Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL should have my baby as it's more important than her bloody nails

70 replies

Shinyshoes1 · 02/11/2011 17:21

I am not going to namechange and will probably get flamed AND this should probably not be in AIBU...........but

My children and I are involved in a highly sensitive court trial. My children have given evidence as have I.

My FIL has kindly been picking my daughter up from nursery a couple of times as I have been in court listening to the evidence etc.

The MIL and FIL have booked a last minute getaway, and why not, thayare both retired and have time and money so good luck to them.

However I am slightly pissed off, well actually ALOT pissed off. My MIL has informed me today as they are going away a week Saturday they are no longer able to have the little one for a couple of afternoons. OK, my children and I have given our evidence but, I have said I would have liked all along to listen to the summing up, the verdict being given and the sentencing.

This is all happening from Monday, Ok, I don't have to be there everyday now, but I would like to watch the rest of the proceedings seeing as the defence are up on the stand tomorrow and his testimony is about my children.
I can kind of cope with not being there tomorrow but seriously, I am pissed off I can't get up there at all now for any of it as they are the only ones that can pick up my daughter from nursery and keep her at theirs.

The most they'll have her is around 4 hours

Does it really take 10 days to get the money ordered, hair done, nails done and pack a fucking suitcase?

AIBU to think that 2 maybe 3 afternoons of watching the summing up, verdict, and sentencing really too much.

It's not like i'm asking her to have my DD whilst I go out socialising

OP posts:
auntiepicklebottom2 · 02/11/2011 17:40

how about your sister goes back to your house and give her a lift home

BumWiper · 02/11/2011 17:40

I think YABU.You have given your evidence so you no longer need to be in court.You want to be there so you must sort out care for your child.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 02/11/2011 17:40

but yanbu.

GypsyMoth · 02/11/2011 17:42

In laws have already helped out
In laws are retired
You have a husband
You have other family

Yabu

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 02/11/2011 17:43

Make other arrangements.

It has been very nice of them to help you, and of course it is not unreasonable to hope that family members will support you and help out.

it would be nice if they wanted to. It's not nice that they don't see this as supporting you. Particularly given the nature of the need. I can understand why you want to see it through to the end. If you were my dil I would certainly carry on helping, because I'd understand how important it was to you. I do think it's a shame that they don't see that the fact you have finished giving evidence does not mean you have finished, iyswim.

But you've no entitlement. They've helped, probably in their eyes while they needed to - ie while you were giving evidence. And now they say enough.

You have no choice but to respect that and make other arrangements.

Do you have no other family members, or friends, who might be able to help?

Failing that - use a babysitter. or see if there's a facility within the court to look after children.

Georgimama · 02/11/2011 17:43

I can't believe some of these responses. It is quite obvious why it is important to the OP to be in court to hear, first hand and as it happens, the verdict. It doesn't take 10 days to pack a suitcase.

OP YANBU.

IneedAbetterNickname · 02/11/2011 17:45

I think YAB(a bit)U, sorry! You don't have to be in court anymore, although I appreciate you want to be. Is there no-one else at all that can get your DD? Another parent maybe?

GypsyMoth · 02/11/2011 17:45

Important, not essential..... They were there for the essential part. Maybe they have plans you know nothing about?
They have lives to lead

SinicalSal · 02/11/2011 17:47

No you are not being unreasonable.

I would expect in a situation like this they would pull out the stops, but then I'm from a very supportive family, when the chips are down they are there. I really think people have a duty to help family when shit happens. Don't understand people who simply can't be arsed to put themselves out for people they supposedly love who need them. why would you not want to, even leaving duty out of it?

Old fashioned notion, duty. I think we've thrown the baby out with the bathwter, there.

Hope it goes the wy you want it, OP

MrsPeterDoherty · 02/11/2011 17:48

Don't forget that there might not be a sentencing hearing. It is a trial, the defendant may be found not guilty despite your evidence.

How old is the little one? Have you been in touch with the witness service to see if they have any suggestions?

Whatmeworry · 02/11/2011 17:49

YANBU to want them to do it.
YABU to expect them to do it, they are doing you a favour.

As an aside, I mostly have stopped doing people favours that are more than one-offs as I find too often they start to take it for granted and get all miffed when you end it.

HitTheRoadJack · 02/11/2011 17:50

So you don't HAVE to be at court.

You do HAVE to take care of your child.

They have made it clear they are unavailable, the reasons why are nothing to do with you.

Hire a professional if you are sure there is no one else...or don't go to court when you haven't been summoned.

soandsosmummy · 02/11/2011 17:51

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable but its clear you need to find alternative arrangements.

I think you need to talk to the manager of the nursery and explain the circumstances. They may be able to offer extended hours on a short term basis or offer another solution.

From what you have said this is a really stressful time for you, your partner and your older children so ask for help you may be surprised by what people are willing to do for you. Also victim or witness support may be able to give you some advice as they probably come up against these issues all the time

do be prepared for there to be a big gap between verdict and sentencing though. There are likely to be pre-sentencing reports and maybe psychiatric reports

HitTheRoadJack · 02/11/2011 17:51

And remember the court case can be delayed and delayed and delayed. So you need not to depend on everyone else to look after your child.

handbagCrab · 02/11/2011 17:53

Yanbu This must have been very stressful for your family and extended family should rally round and support you as you attempt to get closure not because of duty or expectation, but because it is the kind, compassionate thing to do.

I hope you can find someone to help you out.

CurrySpice · 02/11/2011 17:55

Of course YABU to expect them to do it. But it seems to me that the OP doeson't expect them to so it.

She's just amazed that they do not expect to be on hand to support and help their family at this very distressing time

As am I!

I think the kids' dad could and should help out, even if he is in a new job. These sound like really exceptional circumstances and I cannot believe everyone is not arllying round

Good luck to you OP If I could help you out, I would

CurrySpice · 02/11/2011 17:55

Rallying!

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 02/11/2011 17:56

Ok thanks everyone Smile

My sister and I have hatched a plan (the other sister)

between her and her 17 year old daughter they will take turns picking her up, leaving work early, going to and from nursery etc.

To say I'm eternally grateful is an understatement Grin

I explained the situ and told her she has no obligation to do anything unless she wants to she said 'yes of course' without hesitation, giving the enormity and unuasual circumstances of what's going on.

She get her wings in heaven Wink

Thank all again for the positive and not so Wink responses . I appreciate it

OP posts:
SinicalSal · 02/11/2011 17:56

Just wondering if your LO is a bit of a handful and your IL's can't cope? rather than won't help

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 02/11/2011 17:58

She is very lively, she is constantly on the go, but i'd rather they said that it was too much than saying they need 10 days to pack a suitcase

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 02/11/2011 17:59

Gosh you are so not being unreasonable.

Of course your in-laws don't have to help but you'd think they may want to unless they're trying to pretend the whole thing isn't happening.

And its really tedious reading the same old 'its your child/your responsibility' stuff - we all know thats true but you know - its quite nice to help out friends and family when you can.

SnapesMistress · 02/11/2011 18:00

OP, YANBU and I'm glad your sister has decided to help you out. :)

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 02/11/2011 18:00

oh good. I'm glad you've sorted something out.

WineOhWhy · 02/11/2011 18:01

Obviously you have no entitlement to expect them to help (and you acknowledge this), but I dont think you are unreasonable to be upset about their priorities.

Could you maybe plead with them to do one more day (and offer to do stuff to help them prepare for the hols once the case is over or in the evening), and then the other day(s) keep DD off nursery and drop her at your sister's house before court starts? She will have to look after her for longer, but at least she won't have to trek across town.

Do PILs appreciate why it is not a great idea for DD's dad (who is presumably their son) to take the time off?

Could you at least go to court for part of each day and leave in time to pick up DD?

SinicalSal · 02/11/2011 18:02

tg for your sister and niece.

Best of luck for the court case, sounds like ye are going through it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread