AIBU about these weekends as an NRP ?

[MrGin]

Ok, a fairly minor one.

I?m an NRP, I happily step up to the mark, contribute well over the CSA calc, want to see as much of my dd as possible. I?m a decent dad. I hope.

I get on ok with my XP. I think we both probably bite our tongues over various things but manage to remain flexible and on friendly terms. We have the alternate w/e scenario with mum being the RP and I live an hour away from dd.

In regards to the flexibility it?s all mostly from my side in that I will regularly move or extend my weekend to accommodate XP?s work, ex-monster-in-laws birthday, dd?s friends birthday parties etc.

This month XP is away two weekends in a row ( whoo-hoo ! for me and dd ) . So I get dd two w/e in a row and then XP will have her the next . I?ve taken the two Fridays in a row off to make this work and am happy to support XP with her work where I can.

However? rather than me having dd for an extra day ( the Fridays ) XP would like me to have dd the usual amount of time by bringing her back on the Sunday instead of the usual Monday drop-off.

Her reasoning being that she won?t see dd much in the week between jobs ( dd has nursery two days, but XP won?t be working in the week ) .

Although I understood her point , and told her, I was still a little about it as I don?t see much of dd in general being the nrp and an extra day would be golly nice.

But I do of course have dd the next weekend so what am I complaining about ! It?s just that three nights is really good for me and dd to settle into each other IYSWIM and as dd is only 3 I?m trying to do short but often access rather than take her on longer holidays until she?s older. And there was an implication that it was more important for dd to see mum rather than dad in this situation.

XP picked up on my being a bit and asked if I thought she was trying to shaft me with access and proceeded to tell me how fair she was in ?giving? me time with dd. < bites tongue >.

To be honest, and I said this to XP, I do feel a bit put out.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed or should I STFU ?

:o

Totally understand both sides. How about suggesting a compromise, ie one 3 day weekend as you'd like followed by a 2 day weekend (return sun) as your xp would like?

I'm with you 100%.
It's not like it's going to happen every weekend, it's just 2 weekends in a row and I agree that it would be good for your DD to have the 3 nights to settle in.

Are your XPs weekends away for work or leisure?

What's an NRP? What's a CSA calc?

She's 'fair' about giving you time with DD ?

Maybe you should point out that 'fair' would be equal parenting, as in, you equally have your DD for the same amount of time ? As would be your perfect right, being her other parent and all that.

I think you are justified being a bit miffed. Whether it is worth taking umbrage, and telling her, or keeping quiet is up to you.

Would she start 'giving' you less time with DD if you did speak up ?

A gentle reminder may not go amiss ?

Grrr just typed a long reply and it ate it!!

YANBU

She asked you to change your weekends to accomodate her. Fine. Nice you have that flexibility between you even if it is all one sided but if that means you get a bit more time with your DD that should be seen as a 'bonus' for you & a treat for DD. It's mean of her to ask you to take the Fridays off to help her out but bring DD back earlier to suit her :( What about DD - does she not think she would enjoy spending the extra time with you?

She is not being 'fair' nor 'giving you time' with your daughter. Grrr.

Does she not think you miss your DD? That you would like to see more of her?

Tell her you will bring her back/take her to nursery (whatever you usually do) on the Monday as usual and that if she misses her, it might give her a small taste of what you go through every week. Tell her stop being so bloody selfish.

I hate hate hate the "giving" term too. My DH is a fab Dad and when his ex reminds him of how "lucky" he is that she has "allowed" him to be such a good Dad it makes me want to scream!

YANBU and I like the sound of a previous posters suggestion of compromise.

I hope you have a fab 2 weekends in a row.

YANBU, but for the sake of harmony and the fact that it's nice for your dd to have time with her Mum too, I would go with you doing one three night weekend, and one two night weekend.

I wouldn't. I'd go with the 'I've taken two days off of work, at your convenience, so that I can have DD when it suits you - I was happy to do that to help you out and because it meant I got to see more of DD than I normally would. I'm sorry, but I'll be bringing her back at the normal time. It's a shame you are going to miss her - I miss her too. I want to spend more time with our daughter. You are not her only parent, please stop acting as though you are - it's hurtful'.

How much access do you normally have?

Do you get mid-week?

YANBU but I too would offer a compromise. Your normal weekend should definitely stay as it normally is. Then the extra weekend, you can do what the ex wants.

YANBU and I wouldn't be offering a compromise either. Most nrps have a midweek these days, a shame she won't see much of her dd but not your fault.

Yanbu.

I'd calmly say that no,you don't feel shafted even though you doand explain it as you have in your op.That you are trying to build an easier bond for everyones sake.And that you miss your dd for 5 days every week,it would be nice to have one of those weeks shortened to 4 days.

Thanks for the input.

Yes, it makes sense to suggest I have three days the second w/e. XP would likely be ok with that < crosses fingers >

And ems yes XP did say I was very lucky she let's me have time with dd. Reminding me that she could take dd away on her work trip if she wanted.

I honestly think she's clueless about the general situation of single mums and problems with XP's not doing their bit.

And this is one situation of many simillar so there is a pattern.

The thing is, I do feel to a degree that if I play the agreeable role and suck it up it's a price worth paying to keep things on an even keel. If could get all militant and feel rightious but it'd lead to conflict.

Now XP would like to talk about me being a bit and although I want to I fear if I'm honest about why I'm really not trusting her motivations 100% she'll get very defensive, but I am feeling unhappy about her attitude.

Can you just say I was looking forward to 3 nights with dd for 2 weekends in a row so am disappointed that you're not keen for that to happen, I miss her!!!!

youllbewaiting I have every Monday morning off. So when I have dd I can take her back home, and when it's not my week I see dd on the monday am again.

I am trying to get another half day from work but XP isn't very agreeable.

She is a fantastic mum btw. And she's a decent person but I think she's got some issues about being the best parent and being in control... and I'm not sure how best to deal with it.

Sorry if I'm drip feeding.

I assume you see her 2 days every 14 normally?

52 days a year, do you get holidays? it's bugger all really. And below the minimum a NRP would normally get.

YANBU.

Is it you that has the Ex that wants you to pay for nursery even though you could have DD instead?

I did say essentially that Random that I miss dd too not seeing her half as much. She felt that was the way it was for seperated people.

and stupidly I said in my post she was ignorant about single mothers. That was incorrect. Her family was broken.

Have you ever had any legal advice about having more contact than you do at present? It really doesn't sound very much at all

Chippinginautaum. Nope that's not me.

You are bring very fair, MrGin. I think that it would perhaps do both of you good to have a chat about how you progress with regard to parenting and bringing up your DD.

Just because some seperated people have very little contact that does not mean it has to be that way for you.

You may not be together as a couple anymore, but that does not make you any less your DDs Father, nor does it mean that you should automatically see much less of her than you did when together.

It sounds like you are keeping the peace and not saying how you really feel, for fear that she restricts your contact with your DD. That is NOT fair, on you, but also not fair on who should be the most important person in all this, your DD. She is entitled to as much of a relationship with you, as she has with her Mum.

If it is possible, and it is clearly what you want, maybe not press the issue of the weekends coming up, but make it clear to your Ex-p that you would like to have a chat with regard to MORE regular contact ?

Oh she did, did she? Bloody cheek. Does she not realise she is separated as well. I'd definitely tell her to piss off if that's her attitude.

Honestly, I think you need to man up and stop acting so wet. Stop being so afraid of causing an arguement. She's your DD too. Your DD has a right to have a relationship with you as well. She's your daughter - stop cowtailing to her mother and take a bit of control over the situation!

Random. Yes to begin with I gleaned knowledge off MN and spoke to a Solicitor.

I was suggesting alternate w/e and a visit in the week . 50/50 holidays. But as she's so young holidays to just be a day here and there.

My XP was against that. But eventually I 'bullied' her into agreement.

Chipping

Did not want to be quite so blunt !

Mr. Gin

I wanted to add, it sounds like you are almost apologising for wanting to be an active and present Dad to your DD. Stop wanting it, get some legal advice maybe, and TAKE it ! It is your right !