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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for feeling a bit uncomfortable (actually a bit pissed off) about this?

75 replies

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 14:43

My DD (5) is a tiny thing and when she wears dresses we tend to put leggings on underneath, if she's not wearing tights, to protect her modesty. This is basically because even the smallest knickers can gape and leave little to the imagination. She wears short leggings under her school uniform for the same reason.

A couple of weeks ago my mum and her partner popped round unexpectedly. DD was wearing a dress but because we were in the house she wasn't wearing the leggings. I came back from the kitchen and was a little uncomfortable to find that DD was sitting down displaying everything she's got and rather than saying "ooh sweetheart lets sort your dress out" or discreetly pulling her dress down a bit, my mum was sitting on the sofa nudging her partner and pointing so that he would look too.

There are several issues with my mum and she has a bit of a habit of being inappropriate - several things over the years. For example, when I was 22, her P at the time candidly told us that he could see my boobs if he looked up the sleeve of a traditional African dress I wore around the house (I had no idea). I was mortified, my mum laughed and asked him whose he preferred, he said he didn't get a good enough look and so perhaps we ought to let him judge properly - which she thought was hilarious and couldn't see the problem with it at all! That sort of thing.

So consequently we limit the amount of time my mum spends with the children unsupervised and would never leave her and her P with them unsupervised.

So would you think it was a bit 'odd' if your mum did this or am I being a bit oversensitive because of other issues we have with her? I'm not sure I can tell anymore!

OP posts:
TimothyClaypoleLover · 02/11/2011 15:17

loopylou6, wearing leggings under a dress occasionally and when its windy etc is fine, I think some of us feel it a bit odd/strange that she always wears leggings under everything including her school uniform.

FunnysInTheGarden · 02/11/2011 15:18

and the bed thing with DS would freak me out. Sharing a bed with a naked man and his granny? OMG

HildaOgden · 02/11/2011 15:21

Your mum is...inappropriate...at best.She seems more interested in her what her partner-at-the-moment finds amusing,than what her daughter finds acceptable.She crossed a line when you were 22,she's crossing a line now.

I definitely think that this 'lack of protection' (for want of a better expression) has coloured your view on things a little though,it should be ok for your little one not to have to wear shorts/leggings under dresses...she might start to feel ashamed of her privates once she realises that not all other little girls have to do that.

My advice?Don't leave your daughter in the care of your mother,and consider having some counselling to address the issues this has caused for you.

Ps...my alarm bells would be ringing at a man who is comfortable with both A)sharing a bed with a strangers child the first time they met and B)looking at a little girls exposed 'area'.Most decent blokes would find look anywhere else but there.

Original poster
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 15:23

GwendolineMaryLacy it does sound obvious, doesn't it? The only knickers she's got that fit her properly are aged 12-18months and not everywhere does them this size, or always has them in. Even the 2-3 ones are a bit gapey!

ILOVETiffany Well childhood was much like some of the others on here - mum a bit of a bully, but a 'good mum' because we shopped at Sainsbury's and went on foreign holidays, she always sewed our name labels in our school uniforms, and baked cakes, but emotionally she was 'odd'! That sort.

This current P is her 4th since she and my dad divorced 18 years ago. He's ok but not what I would have chosen for her and she has said she has 'lowered her standards' so that she wasn't on her own, so she does clearly have her own issues.

My brother and I have become increasingly aware that the best thing my parents ever did was stay together for the sake of the kids because god only knows what sort of experiences we'd have had if they'd got divorced whilst we were still children!

for example, she socialises at social clubs and took my son along with her once when her was about 3, against my better judgement, but I thought perhaps I was being a bit PFB! She brought him home afterwards beaming because she'd left him alone on a table of adults he didn't know whilst she had a bit of a sing on the stage and he'd started crying. Her response was to approach him followed by the lights and sing to him. She was so proud of the fact he loved her so much he cried when she left him and wanted everyone to experience the love he had for her. DS was not amused and never wanted to go anywhere with her again! Which is why we started the occasional sleepovers when he was a bit older.

OP posts:
mambo14 · 02/11/2011 15:23

OP - you are not being odd, if your daughter is tiny then even the smallest knickers will gape, if she has thin legs. No harm is seeing 5yr olds knickers..I don't think you're saying that are you? You're saying you don't want all her classmates and general public to see her private parts when she's sitting cross legged or climbing around cos of gaping knickers? That's fine!

Your mothers sounds v odd! I wouldn't overly worry about it though, just carry on as you are...and be around your kids while they are around or maybe no overnight stops?

TeWihara · 02/11/2011 15:25

Wearing leggings under skirts is a bit unusual, but no big deal, plenty of people of all ages feel more comfortable (and warmer!) like this. So if that's what you want to do I think it's fine.

Your mum's behaviour otoh is really off. I would be cross too. Surely even in a 'nudie' house where everyone is mutually comfortable with being naked around each other you wouldn't point out someone's genitals to other people?!

Did you have another thread about the sharing a bed thing? It sounds familiar.

Splinters · 02/11/2011 15:27

Never occurred to me that skirts and socks wouldn't be fine for little girls (or anyone else who wants). Surely a school uniform skirt can't be indecently short? But yanbu about your mother's mind-bogglingly bizarre response..

Original poster
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 15:29

Yeah I'm beginning to see that the leggings thing might be a bit unusual.

My mum is definitely more interested in what her current partner might want/need and tbh, I don't even think this one was that interested, she just wanted him to see. I can't explain it.

She knows he uses her PC to access porn you have to pay for and apparently it's Asian porn he looks at - which my DH said is the "dodgy stuff". She said she doesn't have a problem with that so long as he doesn't touch. On the basis of that, my DH is very wary.

But he also works away from home 3 or 4 nights a week.

OP posts:
Isla77 · 02/11/2011 15:29

I am a teacher and it is quite commomn for some of the very little girls in our school to wear shorts or leggings under skirts or dresses. It is just a modesty thing that is important to some families especially if their DD's are the type to be flicking their skirts about. Many parents don't want their little girls showing off their underwear let alone their private parts. Agree that OP's Mum and P are very odd in their behaviour.

pozzled · 02/11/2011 15:30

I don't see why people think wearing leggings under a skirt is so strange. I take my 3 year-old on the tube quite often and I noticed recently that when she was wriggling around wearing a skirt there were times when you could see her privates. I made a mental note to make sure she always wears tights in future, or some shorts in the summer. I wouldn't do it everywhere, but I would if we were going somewhere quite public.

As for the OP, I would be quite concerned about the nudging and showing her partner. That's just wrong. If it happens among family it shouldn't be a big deal at all, but I think you should either ignore it completely, or as the OP suggested just adjust the dress slightly. Pointing it out suggests more than being comfortable around nudity- it suggests interest in a child's nudity. Ugh.

Original poster
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 15:30

Yeah, don't have an issue with people seeing her knickers!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/11/2011 15:34

Dress her in jeans or trousers. Then the issue wont happen again. You cant expect a 5yo to sit carefully..

mynewme · 02/11/2011 15:36

I know exactly where you're coming from as have a similar mother. I think the partners are a red herring in a way as she seems to be using them to get away with and validate her behaviour. I wouldn't leave your dc alone or overnight with her tbh. sorry but she sounds creepy, the fact that she is doing this as a woman rather than a man is what is probably making you think you are being unreasonable and doubt yourself iyswim.

pozzled · 02/11/2011 15:37

"Surely a school uniform skirt can't be indecently short?"

Yes, it can very easily be too short if the girls are sitting cross-legged, pulling their knees up or just playing and climbing in the way that young children do.

Rollergirl1 · 02/11/2011 15:43

I think your Mum sounds like an absolute loon. But I also think that making your DD wear leggings under everything is a bit mad too. I have a 5yr old DD, she would not be happy about wearing shorts/leggings under all her dresses. And I have to say I can only remember a handful of times where she has been showing everything to all and sundry too. The times that she has I have just asked her to pull her skirt down a little. Isn't this something that can be dealt with when it arises, no? I'm sure your DD doesn't question it at the moment but she probably will start asking at some point why she has to wear leggings and her friends don't. And I think you might be in danger of giving her a bit of a warped view on her lady bits, that they are something bad or something. I dunno..

Original poster
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 15:44

TiWihara I don't think so. I don't recall having another thread about the bed thing. It is of course possible if it was a while ago. Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 15:46

mm, it seems I might need to get a grip on the leggings thing. Accepted!

I don't expect her to sit carefully - hence the leggings.

OP posts:
TeWihara · 02/11/2011 15:47

It was a while ago, but their might be 2 of you in your situation or I might be imagining it!

Anyway.

I would keep up the no unsupervised contact thing with your mum, there is something really worrying and inappropriate about actively pointing out a small child's genitals for no reason.

TheQueenOfDeDead · 02/11/2011 15:54

Honestly I can't work out whether your mum is odd or whether you are.

The comment when you were 22 is the sort of stupid banter that occurs regularly, not my cup of tea a bit "Ew" becuase your mum was involved rather than a friend but certainly not anything that would or indeed should ring alarm bells.

Being so worried about your DD's "modesty" that you always dress her in leggings does seem a bit compulsive.

So based on that is difficult to tell whether your mum is worryingly strange or whether she is just a bit of an old hippy, relaxed about nakedness and since she can't see what the big deal is gets a bit of a kick out of winding you up because you are so clearly very repressed.

Feminine · 02/11/2011 15:58

The leggings with a skirt is a bloody good idea...carry on op

Its a cute look too , I dress my DD in that way!

YANBU ...your concerns sound valid.

cat64 · 02/11/2011 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 16:04

Ha ha TheQueenOfDeDead my mum - an old hippy. Oh you have no idea! Hippies, or anything liberal, are the work of the devil!

I'm not sure I would have felt differently about the boob thing if it hadn't been my mum. But I think the fact it was is relevant. It's certainly not how we were brought up, and it wouldn't have been her cup of tea previously either, I'm sure! It's just that when I was 22, being told that my mum's boyfriend had been having a look and then suggesting we both displayed so that he could judge which were better and then my mum laughing about it just feels a bit wrong. I can't imagine anyone would think that was appropriate really, tbh!

I don't know. Tbh, before coming on here, I hadn't considered the leggings thing. It was just something I did. I can see now though that this might be a result of something else.

OP posts:
MintAero · 02/11/2011 16:04

2 things here spring to mind.

Odd that you cannot find a pair of knickers that don't gape. YTou can buy knickers for under 2's so surely there must be some which fit properly?

Secondly, I think there is something more to this as in why you re so desperate to keep your child covered with leggings and tights or whatever. And that may go back some time.....

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 02/11/2011 16:06

I think leggings out in public is completely reasonable ? obviously at 5 your daughter has no sense of 'modesty' for herself, but I think it's just what people expect in public.

Your mum is acting oddly and YANBU. If she feels uncomfortable seeing your daughter's bits then I could understand her pointedly looking the other way in the scenario you describe, if she didn't want to pull your daughter's dress down or whatever, but pointing and nudging? That's weird. And the comment about being able to see your boobs and 'whose do you like best?' is weird too and not just harmless banter ? in a 'banter' situation I wouldn't mind it being pointed out if I was showing a bit too much, but would certainly not expect any discussion about the state of my boobs or a comparison with someone else's.

Original poster
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 02/11/2011 16:07

She wouldn't want to wear trousers for school at the moment. The leggings she has are very short so can't be seen when she's walking/running, just sitting. I do get her the smaller sized knickers when I can, they don't always have them though. That's all, so sometimes we've got her the next size up out of necessity.

OP posts: