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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have felt a bit upset about this?

45 replies

MCT76 · 02/11/2011 12:46

I got an e-mail from my DH yesterday afternoon telling me to book somewhere for dinner (we never go out to eat during the week unless it's a special occasion) as he had some 'big' news he wanted to celebrate with me. I instinctively knew that it was probably a promotion he'd been waiting for (although he had mentioned before that there was no way it would happen until next February or March). However, I wanted to hear it from him rather than start guessing so I replied saying that I was really looking forward to hearing the news and to celebrate together.
We exchanged a few e-mails after that, mainly about the restaurant we were going to and about the fact that he needed to pick me up from choir practice, etc, without a single reference to the 'news'. As I am working from home and I am on the computer all day, both e-mails addressed to him and to me come through the Outlook into a common inbox that pops up whenever one arrives. So, before he even got home, in comes an e-mail from my MIL's partner congratulating him on the news which means that the first person he told about it was his DM who, in turn, told her DP before I even had a chance to hear the news...
I was prepared to give him a huge hug and big welcome and this completely put me off...I knew I should 'get my act together' and not be selfish but he could see it all over my face when he walked in and I had to confess that I was really excited about the news but upset he didn't think of telling me first...He then felt awful and deflated which made me feel like the Wicked Witch of the West so I apologised until I was blue in the face and said that I just wanted to be the first one to say "well done" because he is the most important person in my life...
It was fine in the end and we had a lovely time but I felt a bit selfish although I am still hurt about the fact that he told his mum first (this has happened quite a few times before). He simply said that I need to understand that they have a very special bond! Confused I know it's not a huge deal but the first person I would tell anything important to would always be him and I always feel that, for him, his DM is his first port of call which hurts me a bit...AIBU?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 02/11/2011 12:48

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TopazMortmain · 02/11/2011 12:49

YANBU. I would have been really upset. It's lovely that he wanted to tell you in a special way though...

BluddyMoFo · 02/11/2011 12:49

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DoesNotGiveAFig · 02/11/2011 12:49

YANBU, I'd feel the same way. As you are husband and wife the news should reach your ears first IMO!

BluddyMoFo · 02/11/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 02/11/2011 12:52

Oh the poor guy - he wanted to make it an exciting surprise and an event for you.

Ok you guessed what it was but he probably thought you'd not twig.

I understand what you are saying but I really think he just wanted to make it special for you and him.

I bet he wanted to see your face when he told you and not say it on the phone.

Xnedra · 02/11/2011 12:52

Could he have thought maybe you would of had a clue what is was about, so although he 'told' his mum first you 'knew' first?
He wanted it to be lovely and special, that speaks volumes about who he wanted to share the news and occasion with.

Towndon · 02/11/2011 12:54

YANBU - not unreasonable for you to be first to know.

tethersend · 02/11/2011 12:55

YABU, sorry- you didn't ask what the news was! I bet he was dying to tell someone.

Also, not sure what you mean about the email, but it was for him and you read it? Have I got that right? Because YABU on that alone.

OrmIrian · 02/11/2011 12:57

Yes YABU! Why shouldn't he tell his mum ? He was excited and wanted to tell someone.

valiumredhead · 02/11/2011 13:01

Oh FGS it never fails to amaze me what someone people mange to get their knickers in twist about! Confused

When I found out I was pregnant, I had just done the test at work ( not advisable!) my dad phoned on my mobile about 5 mins after while I was still reeling from shock. He said " How are you?" and I replied " I'm pregnant!." I just blurted it out, and I really wanted to let my dad know he was going to be a grandad ( getting a bit sniffy now remembering this! )

It wasn't because dh wasn't the most important person in my life!

He arranged a nice meal out with YOU not his mum! stop being such a spoil sport.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/11/2011 13:04

YABU - talk about piss on his parade.

He obv wanted to tell you in a special way but of course he is gonna tell his mum.

Talk about kill something stone dead!

TheBloodCountessBathory · 02/11/2011 13:04

He wanted to tell you face-to-face over a lovely dinner - but then he was probably really excited and wanted to tell someone so he rang his mum. Think you are being a little bit over sensitive if it's just about this one time but if he often does it and goes on about his "special bond" then you ANBU

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 02/11/2011 13:04

I don't like the special bond bit. Of course they do, they are mother and son, but you also (should) have a special bond as you are husband and wife and so he shouldn't be using that as a reason to tell her things like this first, when it's your life together that will be affected by them.

I have to confess, I did something like this when I was pregnant the first time. It was unplanned, I took a test right before I left the house to go to work, not really expecting a positive result and was so shell shocked that when I arrived at work and met our mortgage adviser in the car park she asked if I was feeling alright and I blurted out "I don't know...I'm pregnant!"

Dh was working away all week, so he wasn't at home and I couldn't ring him, I was having to wait for him to call me.

I felt awful afterwards, when I realised that DH was finding out after the woman arranging our mortgage, but it was still really special to be able to tell him and he said he didn't mind that I had told someone else first.

BupcakesandCunting · 02/11/2011 13:05

Erm, in the nicest possible way, grow up!

You're playing silly mind games; you say you "instinctively knew" what the news was, yet you didn't ask him outright. I would have been on the 'phone to my DH asking what it was! He probably knew that you knew, so then he told his mum. Then you read his email (I think) then moan that you've found out his news. You wouldn't have found out if you'd not read it!

Don't be silly by not giving him hugs etc when he gets in. The news isn't about you, it's about your DH yet you are making it all about you...

Enjoy your lovely meal and stop nit-picking over silly things. :)

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 02/11/2011 13:05

x-posts with valium, glad to know it's not just me!

NinkyNonker · 02/11/2011 13:06

Bless you, you sound like a lovely couple (geuinely, not a piss take). I would maybe have felt the same slightly, but woud have covered it up I think. I can understand what he did, he wanted to tell you in a special way but then had to 'get it out' so told his mum (lovely they are close too), it is just unfortunate that the email was sent and you saw it. No-ones fault, just one of those things.

valiumredhead · 02/11/2011 13:07

And yet again I think people need to remember that one day we are going to become that MIL that some people so freely pick fault with over the most trivial things. Imagine in the future your DIL chucking a strop because she didn't hear something first! FFS your MIL gave birth to your dh!

Rant over.

thestringcheesemassacre · 02/11/2011 13:07

YABU and precious.
Way to ruin such good news.

MerryMarigold · 02/11/2011 13:08

YANBU to feel upset for a bit bit YADBU if you STILL feel upset about it (and sounds like you do). I can imagine I'd feel a bit miffed briefly when I first saw the email, but when some sort of 'reason' took over (hopefully 10mins or so later) I would feel fine. Do you have kids? Because your relationship seems quite intense...maybe (if you don't as yet) kids will allow you to let go of him a bit and understand that there is a special bond with your Mum. I think it's really lovely he has one and is able to tell you that. What a mature, nice guy.

BupcakesandCunting · 02/11/2011 13:08

"When I found out I was pregnant, I had just done the test at work ( not advisable!) my dad phoned on my mobile about 5 mins after while I was still reeling from shock. He said " How are you?" and I replied " I'm pregnant!." I just blurted it out, and I really wanted to let my dad know he was going to be a grandad ( getting a bit sniffy now remembering this! )"

Grin

I can beat you! I did mine at work (been throwing up, tearful, sore boobs etc) as I felt deathly and suspected I was pregnant and couldn't wait so did the test in the loo. It still came as a bit of a shock and I came out of the cubicle and blarted straight onto the shoulder of a work colleague that I didn't really get on with that I was pregnant. Blush

valiumredhead · 02/11/2011 13:10

Bupcakes I told my dad, mum, best friend and finally my dh when I got in from work Grin

catgirl1976 · 02/11/2011 13:12

YABU. He wanted to tell you in a special way, face to face over a meal. Just becuase he told his mum over the phone first - you ruin it.

Sorry but YADBU and I think you owe him an apology

BupcakesandCunting · 02/11/2011 13:15

Oh, you've been for the meal already so my advice to enjoy yourself and not spoil the atmos' is too late. Grin

valium This is it, isn't it? It's RL and the "right thing" doesn't always happen due to circumstance!

sittinginthesun · 02/11/2011 13:16

Similar position here - I told two clients and an estate agent, before DH!

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