.. to ask for help here as I'm scared of the pregnancy forum...

[cravingyorkiebar]

Hi,

This is my first post although I have been lurking for a while.. I'm 20 weeks pregnant, terrified and not convinced this is normal..

I'm married with a wonderful, supportive husband and have been wanting this baby for as long as I can remember and lucky enough to conceive within a few months of trying.

Thing is I am so scared of giving birth (please stay with me.. prob sound "normal" so far..) I have medical background and have seen 3 perfectly normal non traumatic births a few years ago - it's not that that's scarred me and its not ignorance of how things happen - I know roughly how it's meant to go!

Everytime I think about labour I cry, at least daily. I'm 20 weeks and feel like I'm counting down to a bomb. I think about it constantly, I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not or whether this is phobic behaviour. In no way do I feel I can have a relaxed labour and that I also know that being so tense will make it worse.

Thing is if it is abnormal then what do I do? This baby is going to come out whenever it wants to - I dont want to fight it but I can't imagine just "going with it" either.

I'm scared it will be so bad and i'll be so out of control that when she/he pops out I'll reject him/her.

Despite the advice to read up and face it, I have only opened a pregnancy book twice - once in early pregancy for the current dos and don'ts & once the day before 12 week scan so I would know what to ask if things weren't right. I just can't pick the book up.
To give you an idea, I have told one friend other than hubby how I feel about birth- we went to a shop to look at book that might help - I almost fainted and had to leave the shop..(I'm not a fainty/panick attacky person normally and it was Miriam Stoppard if that makes a difference - nothing abnormally freaky in it!)

Ante natal classes/ discussing with other preganant women fills me with dread, panic and tears again.

That's why I don't want to post in "pregnancy" - they seem to be either normal happy people excited they have found out sex etc who I don't want to upset ( panic breeds panic?...) or they are normal worries like cramps/scan fears/ in other words proper valid worries!

Any ideas? I do want to beat this, I thought I would love being pregnant but I can't see past labour and I hate feeling like this.... Thanks if you have got this far..

YABU to be scared of the pregnancy forum. I promise you there are other women on there who feel the same as you.

I had, well a not very nice time first time round. And 2nd time round I was absolutely bloody terrified. I had panic attacks and made myself poorly with worry.

But I talked to my consultant. He was trained to counsel me over birth fears and slowly but surely I took control. Please talk to your midwife. There are trained professionals who will help you with tokophobia (fear of childbirth) and antenatal depression (not saying that this is what it is though).

You need good, rl professional help.

It is perfectly ok to be scared. YOu are doing something you have never done before and at the end of it will be a fairly big event which you can't really control. Being afraid is perfectly understandable. I think pretty much all pregnant women have fears. Hell I'm pg with number 3 and I'm nervous of some things!

However, you do sound as though you are getting yourself into a state about it and I would encourage you to ring the number you have for your MW and ask to speak to her or make an appointment even if you are not due a routine appointment. If it is just the GP surgery you can call the leave a message saying you have some concerns you would like ot speak to her about. You do need to talk to her about it. If you find it too hard then just print off your post from here and hand it to her. She will be able to reassure you, to assess you for antenatal depression (remember anxiety can be a symptom of depression) and will be able to refer you to someone if necessary to talk over your fears.

Listen to her OP, she knows what she is on about.

Have you spoken to your MW about how you feel? (assuming you are in UK).

You could also try speaking to a doula (supportive labour attendant who is non-medical) to see if that might help.

Is it the fear of the unknown, or the fear of pain, or the fear of the baby coming out, or??? that is making you so panicky? Were you like this prior to pg?

YABU! what's your medical background? Were you scared of childbirth before you saw three births?

I suggest you speak to someone in RL about this.

You said you couldn't pick the book up - is it the rest of pregnancy that scares you or just the labour itself? I would post in childbirth - there are women out there with similar fears.

I have read lots of threads like this in 'pregnancy'. Don't worry. Not sure AIBU is the place for it. It tends to be kind of a place for opinnionated ranting ( to the opinionated ranters)

I think the first person to have a really frank conversation with is the midwife. I'm sure she's had it before. She should at least be aware of it. It does sound ike you are genuinely frightened and hopefully she'll be sympathetic and constructive.

I think you need to talk to your midwife that this does seem to be more all consuming than most people's childbirth worries. Especially as this is your fourth and the other 3 births sound like good experiences.

I would say I found that the idea of giving birth seemed overwhelming during the earlier part of pregnancy but came to terms with it such that I was looking forward to it as pregnancy progressed so maybe you'll improve as time goes on. Nevertheless I do think it worth talking to your midwife in some depth. She should be able to refer you for counselling if she thinks you are depressed or have a birth phobia

As for chlld birth books or forums I would say sometimes getting too bogged down in them can make things worse. Try to have a look at a nice, not scary book about birth just to remind you how things go and then put it down until much nearer your due date. I found going on forums got too much when I was pg as started worrying about other peoples' problems rather than focussing on my own pg. I

also found myself thinking a lot about my first birth when I was pg for the second time. My first one was also pretty straightforward but there were still niggles that I needed to work through and I think this can be helpful as long as it doesn't consume you.

Aw bless you. You feelings are totally totally natural, and I am sure that others will come along who have felt as you do too. Hormones of course are working to put your feelings under a microscope and make them feel even more powerful to you, but they are real - and fairly sensible! Giving birth may sometimes be made to seem a magical mystical wonderful experience, but basically it's a painful means to an end - one which we all approach in our own way, as we need to - and one which we 99.99% of us would say is totally totally worth it in the end.

Do you have midwife appointments yet? Do take the opportunity if you can to talk this through with your midwife - you can tell him/her first that you aren't looking for reassurance. You want to get on record how you feel about this. If she/he is any good at all s/he will be able to listen to you and to take your fears on board. They are an important part of you and your experience and her job is to look after you in the months ahead.

(IME those who cooed through pregnancy and thought it was all wonderful weren't always the best prepared for their birth, or the months/years that follow, but we are all different and all go through this journey in our own way.)

Best of luck, and of course, congratulations!

Your worries are just as valid ,as all the other worries us lot on preg forum have, if not more so. Have you spoken to your midwife about this? i really wish I could offer some suppotive words. To be honest I was lucky enough, not to think about the labour bit (Just blanked it out, Not that I'm suggesting you can/do that, but just to explain that not many of us actaully dwell on it to much) Also Ive gone through two labours and have survived, but still not thinkng too much about the next one in a few weeks time.

Speak to your midwife or gp, whichever one is likely to listen. i love my mw but she's very "i've seen this a million times. pull your socks up " about everything. which terrified me 9 years ago with 1st preg but i love now.

Hi

.

Im only 8 weeks and already feel a bit scared about the labour bit, im hating being pregnant, im feeling so dizzy and the just waiting to be sick feeling leaves me not being able to get on with my own life, im scared i hate it already but knowing what comes at the end terrifies me more than anything else.

But you know what i think its ok to be like this, im 1 of those people who think the worst about something that scares me,puts it off till the absolute end, cry constantly then it happens and i wonder what was i worried about. so fingers crossed this will be the same.

I know its scary and the last thing you want to do but you need a sharp shock by just throwing yourself into it, make yourself read a book on being pregnant, and definitely sign up for antenatal classes with your partner they actually talk about this fear. forewarned is forearmed after all so the more i think you know about what will happen during the labour i think you will find it easier to come to terms with, forget all the what if everything goes wrong, if you have perfectly healthy scans with no issues or worries and your midwife is happy with everything then why waste your time worrying.

and p.s i think this is every womans fear deep down so dont feel so isolated and i would certainly post this in the pregnancy board, you will get a lot more support then you think you will there, good luck

Oh my lovely. I agree with everyone above. Talk to your midwife - you're not the first and you won't be the last and are in no way shape or form abnormal.

TruthSweet had a good idea - can you work out precisely the but that terrifies you? Daft as it sounds, it's nothing that can't be (tried to ve!) sorted from pain relief to hypnosis to an elective c section if needs be.

I can't speak from experience as, like you, I'm pregnant with my first but please, please don't beat yourself up. Despite being terrified you've asked for help on here. That's really brave and a cracking first step. But I fo think you need to talk to your midwife for real life support.

Sorry have just realised I got it wrong and this is your first baby. In which case is more common to be worried but I would still say talk to your midwife about it now. Arrange antenatal classes (either NHS if available or NCT if you can afford it), talk to other new mums - they are probably worried too. Do inform yourself about your options by reading but don't over do it. And I think you do come to terms with giving birth as you get to your third trimester. Not sure why but it does happen.

Do you know where you will have the baby? We had a very lovely midwife show us around the maternity unit by ourselves and that really helped - it meant I can picture where i'll be abd what will happen more rather than just 'in hospital'

Please don't be scared of ever posting on the pregnancy forum, we are a nice bunch

I'm sorry you're feeling so scared about it. Having a phobia of childbirth is a recognised condition (although the name of it escapes me)

I'm at the same stage in pregnancy as you (I'm 19+6) although this is my second child so I do have one experience of childbirth. I could tell you how lovely and pain free it was for me (and it was ) but I know that won't cure you!

I'm with the others in saying you need trained help to get you to the root of your problem. I had a collegue who was the same, a doctor with perfectly good reasoning skills and bags of intelligence to do all the reasearch, but she couldn't get past her fears and ended up having an elective CS (on the NHS), would this be an option for you? It's not the easy way out by any stretch of the imagination but it's a different approach?

op this sounds like antenatal depression/anxiety, you mw can get you some help if you tell her, i get it aswell, im 28 weeks with baby 4,pm me if you want to talk?

Wow that was quick.. Thank you so much.

I have made an appointment to see my midwife but the next appointment is in 2 weeks at my gp surgery. I have left a message for her to see if I can see her somewhere else sooner.

To clarify this is my first baby, I was watching three. I'm scared of pain and stuck baby. I have some back problems which aren't very bad and a few issues I was referred to an Ob for - I said I was worried about pushing for hours/ days and not getting anywhere then baby getting distressed and ending up with an emergency caesarian. I said I would prefer if that was likely to plan a caesarian. He was lovely and said nothing I had told him about my back etc meant I wouldnt be able to have a normal vaginal birth.

I think at that point I realised how much I didnt want a nvb... looking at it now that was when it started getting out of control. I wasnt scared before becoming pregnant I dont think, well never thought about it!

its very normal to feel this way, I was pretty phobic with DS1, but you must try and adress this, as only you can handle this?

I know its an old chestnut but do read "childbirth without fear" I read it before DS2 and I dont know why but it really calmed me down

I went from seeing CB as "10 hours in a torture chamber" to a very natural process, and somehow my fear massivly abated

read it, and invest in some hynotherapy too

you CAN get through this, but it will take time and effort on your part

You really must address your fear, because out of all the things that will be the worst thing, you do not want to get out of control!

I lived abroad (Africa) the whole time I was pregnant, therefore no antenatal classes, I was so busy with work didn't have time to source or read pregnancy books, just went in to it totally unprepared (came back to europe to give birth) -BUT- was surrounded by women who gave birth in 1- Church!!! 2- The bush!! and if they were lucky to be near a missionary hospital would be taken there on the back of a pick-up truck or moped!!!
I didn't have a clue about breathing techniques or anything.

Nothing like experiencing that to realise that we are just designed to give birth, mostly nothing goes wrong, and we are so lucky that if anything does go a bit wrong we have medical facilities equipped to cope with it!!!

I honestly believe sometimes all this information, reading etc is not helpful, if I had been in the UK while pregnant I'm sure I would have ended up pretty much in your situation of being terrified.

Maybe it's not helpful to tell you all this, because if you have a phobia then you will have an irrational fear, despite knowing all of the above, in which case you must talk it through with midwife, gp or whoever the relevant person would be!

So you're scared of losing control? That's something to explore with the MW.

I was scared of not having control and my approach was to learn as much as I could about VB and find out what I could do to control things. Then from there decide the best approach for me. I went through almost every possibility in my birth plan and was prepared if things didn't go smoothly. This involved deciding where I'd give birth, who'd be there etc etc. I ended up having an independent MW in the end.

So have a talk through with someone about your fears - I'd suggest someone other than the MW/consultant, then you can work out what you need to know/do, then speak to them. I found that you can swept along with it all when going through it with my first. Now I'm on my second pregnancy I feel a lot more confident dealing with MWs, consultants etc and asking for what I want.

I was terrfied of birth (mum had died when i was little near to giving birth) so much so that I got counseling, sorted out my will and wrote letters to each of my loved ones to read when I was gone including lists and "helpful" comments for my DH to help him cope. I thought I was being very practical and sensible about it. After a bit of counseling I realised that facing the ACTUAL risks was vital. I read everything I could about getting through birth safely and with dignity. I asked for a home birth as I realised that a lot of my fears were based on medicalised birth when it came to my first they sent an ambulance instead of a midwife and I suffered a great deal even though the birth should have gone fine due to my fears not allowing me to open and push in a controlled way. Second time around I knew if I was low risk I would want a homebirth. First time frightened I ended up with a birth injury, breastfeeding problems and PND second time (same weight baby etc) I had a labour lasting just over an hour and a half at home with the sole attention of a midwife and within half an hour I felt amazing (emotionally and physically) whilst sitting eating cake and breastfeeding without a hitch. Other peoples experiences are just that but I think it's useful to hear so that you can weight up coping strategies. The day I birthed my second baby is my best experience to date. I enjoyed the birth. It is possible for you to work through this.
Best of luck.

I was TERRIFIED of NVD, I was very relieved (secretly, made out I was disappointed to everyone else) when I was told previous surgical history meant I would have to have a CS. I freaked out in a bad way (again, secretly, I was ashamed of feeling as I did) when I went into labour prematurely and it wasn't identified as labour until it was too late for a CS.

I'd had mild abdo/back pain for a few hours, went into the hospital to get checked over and was told I definitely wasn't in labour. I believed them as the pain was NOWHERE NEAR as bad as I'd been led to believe it would be, and I say this with the knowledge that I was having a 'back labour' which is apparently considered more painful. This didn't show up on the CTG, so no-one examined me until I was 5cm, so I'd only had 2 codeine for pain relief! I remember seconds before being told I was minutes away from delivery, before I knew I was in labour, hearing a woman being wheeled past my door. She was howling, I remember thinking 'poor cow, at least I'm not in labour like her'. I was further on than her, as I was about to find out. The delivery itself (pushing him out) honestly didn't hurt. I had no stitches, no tearing. I was in the shower an hour after delivery, and it was only that long because it took the placenta a while to come away.

I'm telling you all of this OP because I want you to know there are good NVD stories out there, I know how frightened you are and that a large part of that comes from horror stories. I gave birth having done NO reading at all, and to be honest I'm pleased I hadn't, I would have been worse had I read more about other womens' awful experiences. My only advice is to trust your gut - if you think you are in labour, insist on being examined, don't let them rely on a machine! That way you get adequate pain relief early. I know it's not normal to say this, but it's really, really not that bad. And even if it is, the immense sense of pride and achievement you feel after the birth makes every second worth it. I would do it again tomorrow.

I'm 38 weeks and have health anxiety. Until 36 weeks there was a possibility I would need a cesarian which I was worried about. The way I've found to manage my anxiety is to find out as much as I can about active birth. This means you aren't lying on your back & ineffectually pushing for hours.

Im also using a hypnobirthing cd and paid a doula to help me prepare for the birth. I think from my experience and from what you say you'll feel better if you take control of your birth preparation. No one knows what will happen but if you prepare at least you might feel a bit calmer. If you can afford it a doula/ and counselling will be easier to organise privately and IMO is worth far more than expensive nursery furniture :) good luck with your birth planning :)

One thing that helped me enormously was to remember that if and when I experienced pain that it would likely not be bigger than me because the pain was part of me. I could see it coming and ride it out knowing it would be over again. Now I've written that down I'm not sure if I am getting across what I mean to say

Thank you, posting this was a big step as my husband pointed out, I have been "hiding in the corner" for the past few weeks and at some stage need to face up to it to move forward in any way. - today is the first step.

I am scared to address it because it means talking about it... but I know I need to. I guess I wasn't sure how the midwife would react if I told her , and wanted to gauge how normal I am first.. I'm reassured that people think that although it's normal to be scared, the feelings I have are over the top and that I need real life help too- I dont feel so much like a muppet now..

Thanks again for the advice, kind words and hugs,I needed them and will come and say hi in the pregnancy section soon! x