.. to ask for help here as I'm scared of the pregnancy forum...

[cravingyorkiebar]

Hi,

This is my first post although I have been lurking for a while.. I'm 20 weeks pregnant, terrified and not convinced this is normal..

I'm married with a wonderful, supportive husband and have been wanting this baby for as long as I can remember and lucky enough to conceive within a few months of trying.

Thing is I am so scared of giving birth (please stay with me.. prob sound "normal" so far..) I have medical background and have seen 3 perfectly normal non traumatic births a few years ago - it's not that that's scarred me and its not ignorance of how things happen - I know roughly how it's meant to go!

Everytime I think about labour I cry, at least daily. I'm 20 weeks and feel like I'm counting down to a bomb. I think about it constantly, I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not or whether this is phobic behaviour. In no way do I feel I can have a relaxed labour and that I also know that being so tense will make it worse.

Thing is if it is abnormal then what do I do? This baby is going to come out whenever it wants to - I dont want to fight it but I can't imagine just "going with it" either.

I'm scared it will be so bad and i'll be so out of control that when she/he pops out I'll reject him/her.

Despite the advice to read up and face it, I have only opened a pregnancy book twice - once in early pregancy for the current dos and don'ts & once the day before 12 week scan so I would know what to ask if things weren't right. I just can't pick the book up.
To give you an idea, I have told one friend other than hubby how I feel about birth- we went to a shop to look at book that might help - I almost fainted and had to leave the shop..(I'm not a fainty/panick attacky person normally and it was Miriam Stoppard if that makes a difference - nothing abnormally freaky in it!)

Ante natal classes/ discussing with other preganant women fills me with dread, panic and tears again.

That's why I don't want to post in "pregnancy" - they seem to be either normal happy people excited they have found out sex etc who I don't want to upset ( panic breeds panic?...) or they are normal worries like cramps/scan fears/ in other words proper valid worries!

Any ideas? I do want to beat this, I thought I would love being pregnant but I can't see past labour and I hate feeling like this.... Thanks if you have got this far..

[nickelbabe]

I can assure you that the pregnancy forum isn't a scary place :)
Nor is it full of women who are excited about giving birth.

It's totally normal to feel scared about the whole process!
I've felt scared every single day of this pregnancy, and the more stories I hear of births that went wrong, the more I panic.
But at the same time, I have heard so many wonderful stories, and said my worries out loud to so many of the experienced women on this forum.

You definitely need to tell your midwife how yo ufeel (and please write it all down, because it's so easy to get flumoxed and forget to say half of what you wanted to say) And make it clear that it's not just little worries, but a major concern for you.
There are ways round it, and there are ways of helping you through your worries. It's definitely worth getting a hypnobirth CD to help yourself to prepare
mentally. (and you can play it through the birth, too, so it will be an automatic calmer)

good luck and hope to see you on the pregnancy board

[PotteringAlong]

You're definitely not a muppet! There will be an ante-natal thread for the month you're due. Even though I've only dipped in and out of the November thread they've always been incredibly helpful. Find your month and say hi - someone else will feel the same.

Keep on posting if it helps!

[PotteringAlong]

here

I got the birth preparation cd. If nothing else I've never heard the end of it as I'm always asleep!

[TheSmallPrint]

Hi, I don't normally post on pregnancy things but your post struck a chord with me. I was absolutely terrified of the thought of giving birth, my sister is a midwife and I'm sure her tales (innocently told!) scared the living daylights out of me.

When I first went to see my midwife I told her that I needed to have a CS. They were brilliant, she took it seriously and said she would book me in to see the Obs nearer the due date. I relaxed a lot after hearing that and began to take much more pleasure in the pregnancy and by the time we got to 35 weeks I had pretty much changed my mind - particularly thinking about how long a CS would take to recover from and thought I would give it a go.

I found the birth much easier than I expected and I suspect it was because nothing could be worse than what I had got into my head before hand!

I would talk to your midwife about your fears and see if she can offer you some help or reassurances.

Good luck.

[Witchofthenorth]

Oh sweetheart, please don't face this alone! You are def not weird or freaky for having these fears and I think you will find it's more common than you think :)
Also it is absolutely normal to be scared of EVERYTHING when it's your first, just because you have witnessed three births doesn't mean you know what it will be like, and trust me, you can read every pregnancy book in the world and it won't make the slightest bit difference to what you think is going to happen.

I was terrified with my first, sacred of the midwives, scared of the pain, scared of being cut, scared of having to have a CS, scared of pushing, scared of pooping the bed for gods sake, scared of mooing like a cow for 3 days . The reality is so much different than what your mind can possibly conjure up. You need to speak to your midwife and let her know how you feel and can I suggest you find a doula? They are fab for just being there for you and making the whole thing as easy and relaxed as possible for you, whereas your caregivers first priorty is medical.

Is there another woman you talk these fears through with also? One who will listen and be there for you?

Come over to the pregnancy board also, they are not a bad bunch there and you I'll find people who empathise, please don't be put off by the fluffiness :)

Talk all this through and get a good support around you, there is nothing you are feeling that cannot be fixed by information, support, hypnosis, therapy and lots and lots of painkillers! Hugs to you lovely x

[nerfmum]

Active birth classes got me through my first birth. I was nervous of going at first but the relaxation and yoga breathing etc that I learnt there was invaluable. And I made some amazing friends. :)

[ballstoit]

Oh craving, you are not a freak or a muppet. I think your anxiety levels are higher than is comfortable for you, and that you have done the right thing in booking a MW appointment. I suffered from anxiety and depression during pregnancy with DC3. My MW was lovely when I spoke to her, reassured me that help was available and referred me to the Psychiatric MW.

I had 2 appointments with PMW, and weekly ones with my own MW. I had a planned home birth, as I was frightened of interventions and losing control. It was a truly lovely experience.

Having said that, I had not so nice experiences with DC1 & 2, both of whom got stuck and became distressed. Both were delivered by forceps. The experiences, though not what I wanted, were still positive ones. My sister was my second birthing partner, and we had spent a lot of time discussing what I did and didn't want. She stuck up for what I wanted all the way through labour and birth, pushed for further pain relief when I was struggling and demanded explanations when interventions were suggested. I would highly recommend having someone to support you who has given birth, and making sure they know what you do or don't want. It can be overwhelming for Dads who have never seen a labouring woman before.

Keep talking on MN, there will be support whichever topic you choose to post in. When you have your MW appointment, may be good to take DH or a or a friend, in case you become overwhelmed or embarassed xx

[nicobean]

Hello, hope everyone here is helping. Just wanted to say I found my medical background made things a LOT worse when it came to worrying about my first labour.

I almost fainted in my antenatal classes...and I'd seen birth! It just didn't seem physically possible. Knowing all the anatomy made it seem horrific.

I've done it three times now (emergency cs and 2 vbacs) and honestly: your body will amaze you, it's designed to to this. Best of luck!!

[Indaba]

Please don't put yourself down.

I have had three. All were fine but I got so scared before birth of my third. Yes my third!

Talk to who ever you can who is giving you care. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling.

Can't give you any other advice but to ask for help....and here is a big big hug!

[spiderslegs]

OP - you could have been me, I was terrified, utterly horrified by the idea, if I thought about it or saw anything on TV I would burst into tears, which as you say, was totally unlike me, I'm usually very stoic, not squeamish in the slightest, but the whole idea sent me into a spin.

Then I went into labour, I was utterly calm throughout the whole thing, as soon as it started I remember thinking - this is fine, I can cope with this, & it was & I did. Afterwards I couldn't believe I'd been making such a big fuss about it.

Until I got pregnant with DC2, then the whole bloody thing started again, until I went into labour...

I can only put it down to hormones.

You will be fine & you can & will do it, however it happens.

[OhDoAdmit]

Hello,

I have five DCs. One adopted. So 4 labours.

I have normal pregnancies and normal labours.

During my last two pgs I was just like you. I think I was pretty depressed thoughout DC4 and began to feel like that with DC5.

I couldnt stand the thought of spending months and months like that so I really made a conscious effort to do something, anything that would help.

So despite being Mrs Working Class, Down to Earth, No Hippy Dippy Stuff - I enrolled in a yoga class, sorted out the rasberry leaf tea and bought relaxation and hypnobirthing CDs.

I am not going to say it solved everything. I have quite a serious anxiety disorder relating to medical stuff, but it did help.

I think because I felt that I was taking control and not being a passive participant in some sort of inevitable slide downwards to pain and chaos (e.g. labour).

DC 5's labour was the best and most relaxed of all and afterwards I sobbed with relief that it was all over and I had made it!

DO talk about it, you will be suprised how common it is. Do not listen to horror stories from other women - I have never understood why they wish to terrify pregnant women

I really do recommend hypnobirthing tecniques (you dont have to go the whole hog, I had pain killers too )

You are not odd, you are not unnatural, the way you are feeling is normal for LOTS of women

[cravingyorkiebar]

Thank you everyone for the advice & hugs, it's very much appreciated and your stories have really helped.

I have left a message for my midwife, think she is away this week so hopefully once I have spoken to her, next week will be a better one than the previous...

I just want to get out of my head & body for a while and have a bottle glass or two of wine and then come back chilled out! I'm fed up of thinking about it (birth), because its always in my head. Readng your comments tho I feel like there are some ways I can take control back and that helps a lot. Thanks x