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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is being really irresponsible in re. to her 12yo ds and alcohol

32 replies

bytheMoonlight · 02/11/2011 10:18

For his 12th birthday she said she was going to make her son and his two friends (who was staying over) vodka jelly shots.

Dh and I were horrified, I told her she was being ridicouolus and glamourising alchohol. And that she needs to gt permission from the parents before giving them alcohol. Other friends told her the same and she gave them bottles of WKD instead and thought this was a better alternative.

Fast forward 6 months and same boys staying over. The following day she finds out the boys had been stealing beer out of the fridge and pouring pimms into their coke while she and her dh were asleep -she leaves them to sleep in the living room.

To make matters worse, one of the boys mums was worried as her son is border line diabetic and isn't allowed alcohol. This is the same boy who my friend was giving bottles of wkd earlier in the year Shock She is not going to tell his mum this!!

Her opinion is that they are generally well behaved boys and this is just one mistake and grounding him for a period of time will sort it out.

Aibu to think she is setting herself for the teenage years from hell and that she really needs to grow up and start acting like a parent?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/11/2011 10:21

I am normally fairly easy going towards teens and drink to a certain extent, (ie a can of weak beer or a shandy, no problem) but vodka jelly shots ffs... at 12. Shock

Annpan88 · 02/11/2011 10:22

I think I would be very concerned about giving other peoples children alcohol (especially the diabetic lad) and I think if you know the mums you really should tell them.

I think a small amount of alcohol in ones own home can sometimes start to create a healthy attitude towards alcohol. 12 is a bit young though

DooinMeCleanin · 02/11/2011 10:24

I agree with you on the Vodka Jelly. It takes away a sense of responsibility if you like, in the sense that the teens have no idea how much alcohol they are consuming. WKD is also not great. It doesn't taste of alcohol. She'd have been far better off to give them a bottle of beer each with the parents permission.

It was very wrong of her to give the teens alcohol of any kind without checking with the parents first but it hasn't necessarily led to them stealing the booze while she slept. Kids will be kids and this is something most teens will try out at one point in their life. Over reacting will only make it a forbidden fruit and more tempting. Your friend should use this opportunity to have a chat with her son about responsible drinking and the risks of regular binge drinking.

The other parents should be informed so that they can do the same.

YABU to think she is setting her sn up to be a teen from hell. This is all normal teen stuff as far as I can see.

redcamels · 02/11/2011 10:28

I'm surprised you need to ask if YABU.

Vodka jelly at 12?!

Of course YANBU. That woman is an idiot.

GrimmaTheNome · 02/11/2011 10:30

YANBU - your friend is being incredibly irresponsible.

Why on earth would anyone think a 12 year old child would want a vodka jelly? Confused

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/11/2011 10:32

She's an utter fucking muppet. You have to tell the parents of the other DCs.

manicbmc · 02/11/2011 10:32

What a silly woman! My dd is allowed a small amount of alcohol. She's nearly 17 though. At 12 she was allowed a small amount of watered down wine on special occasions.

Maryz · 02/11/2011 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 02/11/2011 10:34

12!!! YANBU - I think I am fairly relaxed and would be ok with a small amount of alchohol (1 beer / 1 small wine etc) at a party for 16 years olds if supervised but 12 FFS?

And the choice of drink as well? Vodka Jelly? Good god! And WKD isn't much better as I do think if you are going to give a young person alchohol make bloody sure it TASTES like alchohol - not like fruit juice.

Your friend sounds like an idiot.

Maryz · 02/11/2011 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahStratton · 02/11/2011 11:01

Right there with you Maryz. Fucksake, DD1 is 18 now, but she and DD2 have been allowed wine since they were both 14. That's a small, watered down, wine to start with. I'd much rather they learnt about alcohol from me, safe in their home, than on a park bench swigging from a bottle of vodka.

But to give 12 year olds vodka jellies, etc. Words just fail me.

Original poster
bytheMoonlight · 02/11/2011 11:14

I had the same reaction when she mentioned it to me and did indeed ask her why?

Without doubt she falls into the category of wanting to be her son's friend rather than his parent and seems to want to be viewed as 'cool' by him and his friends.

The sleepover's are wild with the boys doing as they please. The last involved silly string being sprayed everywhere in the house, waterbombs being filled up in the kitchen and the bathroom (despite lame attempts from the father to stop this) endless play fighting all over the house, staying up all night in the living room playing xbox and making a mess in the kitchen (trying to make coffee with my friends decent coffee and spilling it everywhere, dropping and breaking things on the floor and leaving them there for his mum to clear up), making crank calls to pizza places etc that added over £100 to the phonebill - they basically just give their house over to the boys.

It's not what I recognise as parenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
bytheMoonlight · 02/11/2011 11:49

or is that all normal for a boys sleepover? [confused?]

OP posts:
MrsDanverclone · 02/11/2011 11:57

I am very much in favour of children learning about alcohol in the safety of their home, starting off with watered down wine and progressing up to a nice single malt whiskey.
But why would you even think of giving vodka jelly shots to 12 year olds.Shock
They sound very irresponsible and aren't doing their son any favours trying to be his 'friend'. The teenage years are hard enough and need responsible parenting at the very least, to help guide you through safely to the other side .

QuickLookBusy · 02/11/2011 12:00

TBh if I knew all that was going on I wouldn't let my son stay for a sleepover. The parents are not parenting at all. Most 12 years olds will do stupid things, if you let them, it is up to the parents to be there to stop it.

You just don't know what they will do next and I'd be worried about two things-

-too much alcohol, which will lead to god knows what
-damaging something very expensive in the house, which the parents then demand be paid for.

Just don't let DS go.

MrsDanverclone · 02/11/2011 12:03

Not normal sleepover for our house.

Where at 2am I turn from lovely smiling host, to horrible old hag in dressing gown, threatening them that they will be picking up dog poo, if they get up again or I hear another sound from them.Grin

Tenebrist · 02/11/2011 12:15

Good god! Words fail me in the face of such idiocy!

Original poster
bytheMoonlight · 02/11/2011 12:21

I did think for a bit that their boy was out of control but it seems as if this is all normal, given the chance, for boys this age.

I don't know if I should interfere but what do you predict the long term result of this kind of parenting will be?

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 02/11/2011 12:25

Gosh bythemoonlight

Firstly you should "interfere", you should not allow your DS to go to these sleepovers, and I would definitely tell the boy's mum with diabetes what is going on.

Secondly do you really need others to tell you what the long term result will be? They are basically allowed ot drink alcohol and do what ever they like in someone's house. It will not end well at all.

betterwhenthesunshines · 02/11/2011 12:30

Whatever irresponsible attitude she wants to take with her own 12 yr old is her business. But to give spirit based alcohol to another person's child without the parnets approval is medically dangerous, morally wrong and illegal. You should tell the other boys' parents for sure. If it was your son, I'm sure you would rather know what has happened. Then it's up tothem how they deal with it.

Original poster
bytheMoonlight · 02/11/2011 12:41

I don't know the other boy's parents, I don't have a DS either! I have two girls (aged 3 and 11 months!)

This is a friend I know through my husband. We socialise with them quite a lot and my husband is very good friends with her dh.

She has been a parent much longer than me which is why I'm not sure she will take kindly to me passing judgment (although I couldn't hold my tongue when she mentioned the vodka jelly shots)

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 02/11/2011 12:50

YANBU. I would never give alcohol to an underage person unless I knew for a fact (as in had sought their parents' permission) that it was ok. And until they were of age I would be offering them the same as my dds - dd1 (14) has an old fashioned sherry glass (ie small) of wine on Fridays and Saturdays, and the occasional lemonade shandy on holiday. DD2 (11) has a shot glass with some wine in with Sunday lunch. I had the same as a child and I don't have a problem with alcohol - I enjoy it, sure, but I rarely drink to excess as I don't like the feeling and have had 2 hangovers in my whole life.

Vodka jelly is utterly irresponsible, WKD is worse (it's vile Wink) and not locking up alcohol esp with such wild boys is asking for trouble.

If you know about this you have a responsibility to inform, in particular, the diabetic boy's parents. How would you feel if you find out one Monday morning that he is in hospital in a coma as he'd drunk too much and had a hypo, that the other boys didn't know what to do and the parents were in bed so couldn't help? Because that could happen. I wouldn't want that hanging over me.

buttonmoon78 · 02/11/2011 12:51

Ah, x post.

Would/could your dh say something? Really, this is not a situation I'd be happy with!

SusanneLinder · 02/11/2011 12:53

I am relaxed about teens and alcohol, as in I have allowed my teens to try alcohol in the house if they wanted it. DD3 is 13 in a couple of weeks and has tried it,but under close supervision.Again rather than them drinking on a park bench.

My older girls are 19 and 22 and I did the same with them, and they hardly drink. When the DD's were 16 we allowed alcohol (very limited to 2 drinks each), but we phoned round every parent and asked them if it was ok for their son/daughter to have a drink. Most parents were grateful that we had asked and everyone bar one said yes.The fridge was locked (yes locked...lol) and the rest of the booze was hidden.

But vodka shots at 12!!!!!! What planet is this woman on? At that age I made them sophisticated fruit cocktails in posh glasses.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 02/11/2011 12:58

Bloody hell - I would be furious if anyone gave my 12 year old DD alcohol without my permission. And jelly shots??? How old is this woman?

DS1 (14) had his friend to stay over recently - they both wanted one small glass of some vodka mix thing which they were allowed, but only after I'd phoned his parents myself to get their permission and drew a line on bottle with a permanent marker afterwards!

There's encouraging a healthy attitude to alcohol and there is being an idiot. She is being the latter.

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