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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MN Jury this is serious (to me) and I need your opinion on whether I am over reacting or not.

35 replies

LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 21:31

Yesterday DS1 and DS2 were in the living room. I was sweeping the floor and out of the blue DS1 pipes up to DS2

"I'm going to hang myself from the light fitting"

Now DS2 4yrs didn't understand what he meant but I was and still am furious.

DS1 is 13yrs and has Aspergers, ODD and sensory issues (trying to get everything into one posting so it doesnt seem I am drip feeding.)

I have told him that I will be contacting the people he see's on a weekly basis (child psychologist) and that at the weekend when I can get some help I will be removing his bedroom door as well as anything in his room which could pose a danger to him.

Now am I over reacting to do this or not?

Should I take it at the face value of an off the cuff comment from a child?

I am sensitive over this subject atm due to burying a friends son last week who did kill himself. Hence why I want to know if I am over reacting.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 01/11/2011 21:34

Is your son aware of the boy hanging himself?

onepieceofcremeegg · 01/11/2011 21:35

I don't have any experience of your ds's issues, however my gut instinct is that for any 13 year old it's not a great idea to remove a bedroom door. I understand you wish to do this for safety reasons, but he will still have access to other rooms (?bathroom) with doors. Also I would question if a child of his age really understands the significance of what he actually said.

In your position I would speak to his psychologist and see what advice he or she gives first before making any major decisions about removing doors/property etc.

I work in mental health and from sad experience I can tell you it is virtually impossible to remove all potentially lethal items.

So sorry about your friend's son. Is it possible that your ds1 knows about this and is trying to make sense of it in his head?

squeakytoy · 01/11/2011 21:37

I think it would depend on what context it was said in.

Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 21:37

yes he is aware of it, they were friends in primary school.

He made comments a week or so ago about killing himself and I told him off for it.

He then did it again last night.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 01/11/2011 21:38

Impossible to say from outside the situation. None of us know him (I don't think? does anyone?) I certainly wouldn't like to sit here behind my computer screen with no idea who he is or what he's like and pretend that I can have any idea what's going on inside his head, or try to tell you he doesn't mean it, or try to tell you that he does mean it and you need to do x,y,z. That would be irresponsible.

You know him. You know what he is like. Do you think he is at risk? of either meaning to or trying to without truly understanding the implications?

Because there is not only trying to do something meaning to, there is also trying something for attention and trying something because they lack the ability to understand exactly what it is they are doing and that there's no coming back from it.

I would say though- when in doubt, there's no doubt.

So if you think there is even a small chance that he may harm himself, then you must take all measures necessary.

Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 21:38

Squeaky, he just came out with it.

OP posts:
DottyDotsofBloodOnTheFloor · 01/11/2011 21:39

Hmm - tricky. Does your ds1 understand why saying this has upset and worried you?

My DS's have both said stuff a bit like this in the past and I let them see and talk to them about how stuff like that makes me feel - how upset and worried I feel etc.

Not sure if removing the bedroom door plus anything dangerous is entirely practical - as this could potentially be anything and everything!

Do you think your ds1 meant it and would actually try, or was it 'just' something he was saying?

Oakmaiden · 01/11/2011 21:40

Well, my son (also 13) has Aspergers (and ADHD, Tourettes and a bundle of other fun labels) and he also makes comments like this. I always brush them away with a "Don't be silly" or "I would be very sad if you did that". Because although I know he is capable of trying to hurt himself, I really don't believe he would hang himself. I think sometimes he says it for effect.

I do wonder if your son is reacting to the other child having killed himself, and was just trying to see what would happen if he said something like that.

I do think that unless you think there is a serious risk of him doing such a thing then taking the door off its hinges etc is a bit over the top. If he gets such an extreme reaction every time he says something like that, then you might find it being trotted out more often....

I can understand how devastating it must be about your friend's son, though, and how sensitive this must make you feel on the issue.

Faithless12 · 01/11/2011 21:42

Talk to him. Don't tell him off, do you have any contact with childrens psychologist? You are not over reacting at all.

lesley33 · 01/11/2011 21:43

I think you need to talk to him and ask him why he said this. How he answers will help you to judge how seriously you should take this.

TheFidgetySheep · 01/11/2011 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 21:43

Hecate, he has a few years ago self harmed - not seriously but he still did it.
When he has a complete melt down he has been known to punch and headbutt walls and his bed. So tbh to me there is a risk of danger.

I am making contact with CP tomorrow, I left her a message today.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 21:46

He and I spoke last night and his answer about why he said it was "I was just joking"

Sorry thought I had added that.

He does have a history of saying silly things.

OP posts:
bushymcbush · 01/11/2011 21:51

I think you're right to alert his psychologist, but agree with others about it being difficult to remove everything dangerous.

OTOH removing his door (temporarily) will send a very strong message about how much you care and what you will do to protect him.

Is it possible he is just looking for attention? Have you had a proper talk with him about this or just told him off for his comments?

When I was a similar age to your ds, I talked about suicide too. I didn't really mean it but I was craving attention. Unfortunately I didn't get the attention I wanted so went on to other anti-social behaviours (under age sex and drugs). I just wondered if your ds might be in the same headspace as I was.

TheFidgetySheep · 01/11/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 21:55

Bushy, If I am honest, I don't kow what is going on in his mind. I worry so much about him daily and this has just added to the worry.

I spoke to him in depth about how upsetting for me it is and how dangerous it is to say things like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 21:56

Fidgety - sorry to ask what do you mean heavy? do you meant weight?

OP posts:
TheFidgetySheep · 01/11/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 01/11/2011 22:10

I bet this made your blood run cold. I had an issue a while back with one of my dd's saying these type of things but she was much younger and learnt that it was a very effective way to get my attention (and she used to go into great detail about all the awful things she would do, all gleaned from watching cartoons/TV). However, just because it is attention seeking doesn't mean there isn't a risk. I would speak to the psychologist as a matter of some urgency, if only because the death of your friend's son would be affecting him anyway, and so it would be important to talk that through and anything else that comes up in relation to it.

Moominsarescary · 01/11/2011 22:11

I would talk to his psychologist , it's difficult to judge as we don't know him or how is sn effect him.

It must be very worrying for you and I hope you can get some advice in rl from someone who knows your son

edam · 01/11/2011 22:12

LadyEvenstar, when he said he was only joking, what did you say? I'm assuming you had a chat about how much you love him and care about him and want him to be happy and safe? I don't know whether his Aspergers etc. make it hard to discuss how comments hurt you but it sounds as if he may need a lot of reassurance about how loved and wanted he is and how much he matters to you. Are you in touch with any support groups for parents of children with similar conditions? Could you re-post in SN here?

Moominsarescary · 01/11/2011 22:19

Op does he understand that his comment would upset you, my friends son has aspergus and can't always relate to how things he says make the people around him feel if that makes sense

Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 22:31

I am probably going to sound like the worst parent ever but I don;t know how his SN affect him. For years he has just been DS1 who is different and played up, until we got the DX of AS this year.

Edam, he and I did had a long chat and I thought he understood what I was saying about how hurtful and frightening comments like this are for me. But this morning he turned to me and said "Gosh you need to sort it out and learn when I am joking" Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyEvenstarsCoven · 01/11/2011 22:32

I am not sure he can relate how things he says make people feel tbh.

OP posts:
Moominsarescary · 01/11/2011 22:42

Hopefully he is just saying it as a joke not understanding that it's not something to be joked about and without comprehending how scared it makes you feel, I know that probably won't make you feel any better about what he is saying