MN Jury this is serious (to me) and I need your opinion on whether I am over reacting or not.

[LadyEvenstarsCoven]

Yesterday DS1 and DS2 were in the living room. I was sweeping the floor and out of the blue DS1 pipes up to DS2

"I'm going to hang myself from the light fitting"

Now DS2 4yrs didn't understand what he meant but I was and still am furious.

DS1 is 13yrs and has Aspergers, ODD and sensory issues (trying to get everything into one posting so it doesnt seem I am drip feeding.)

I have told him that I will be contacting the people he see's on a weekly basis (child psychologist) and that at the weekend when I can get some help I will be removing his bedroom door as well as anything in his room which could pose a danger to him.

Now am I over reacting to do this or not?

Should I take it at the face value of an off the cuff comment from a child?

I am sensitive over this subject atm due to burying a friends son last week who did kill himself. Hence why I want to know if I am over reacting.

I'd speak to the psychologist before doing anything else TBH.

I used to self harm as a teenager (and still have to control the urge to do it now) and removing the door to my room would have triggered me massively. The loss of control and privacy over my own space would have immediately lead me to cut so I could have some control back IYSWIM. I can pretty much guarantee that is how I would have reacted. You can't remove everything dangerous, if someone is determined to hurt themselves they will find a way.

Having said that I don't know if your son would react the same way and if he hasn't self harmed regularly before it is quite possible that he would react in a different way. I would just make sure you check with the psychologist first because I can see removing his bedroom door backfiring massively if he has the kind of personality which would not cope well with it.

It does sound like he was just trying to get a reaction TBH rather than seriously thinking about doing anything, I'm not sure how you can get him to understand that is not something you joke about though. Hopefully the psychologist will have some good ideas for you :)

Oh bless you. I have no experience in this, but I would take this seriously.
That said, it may well have been an off the cuff comment given latest posts

naughty boy for scaring you

My DS (Aspergers) used to say things like that all the time. Part of it was his way of conveying how unhappy he was, part of it was attention seeking.
Don't tell him off for it. Just make it absolutely clear how much you love him and how much he would be missed if he wasn't there. If he doesn't normally say things like that he might just be trying to see what reaction he will get. The problem with Aspies is that they don't express what is really going on easily.
We didn't restrict DS or take his door off or hide his ties or any of the other things you might do, but we did make sure we were around a lot.

You are not over reacting at all, because its very scary when those you love talk about suicide.
Unfortunately you would never realistically be able to remove everything that could pose a danger to him. My daughter, in the depths of her depression, would find and use things that I had never even considered a danger. She was also a very regular self harmer at the time and as you have probably already learnt, you need to deal with the issue of needing to self harm as you can't protect them from every sharp ( or even blunt) object that is available.

Contacting the Psychologist is a great idea and hopefully you will find them very helpful. There is some excellent advice on this thread and I agree totally with Music's comments about the door removal being a trigger. My Dd is also Asperger's and losing control over her privacy would just trigger a major meltdown.

I would sit down and talk with him, he might be trying to understand the other boy committing suicide. Which is hard enough for someone NT to try and make sense of, someone with Asperger's, if they are anything like my Dd, I don't think I will ever be to fully understand how she thinks.

Maybe this is the problem - I am expecting him to KNOW it upsets/hurts when he says things like this. I have a lot to learn!

Obviously it is deeply worrying when a child says something like that, but often children ( and grown-ups!)need to address what's going on around them by talking about it - your son will have picked up all the distress around the suicicde recently, but probably doesn't understand it fully, so is interested (either consciously or unconsciously)in your reaction by saying he himself is going to do it. YANBU to have a strong reaction, as you are his mum, but you maybe could handle it better.

If you shut down discussion by "telling him off" it will make the whole subject even more confusing and scary - actually, your reaction is about YOUR distress, which is understandably really hard to manage. It would be incredibly hard to do, I acknowlege, but if he says something similar, hold back your mother-reaction, and instead draw him into a bit of a discussion ... unemotionally say "Gosh, that's very dramatic! Sounds like you're feeling a bit cross at the world ..." and then leave a space - you might be surprised at what he says. Classic counselling technique, could help?

I can still be shocked/surprised at the way my daughter's mind appears to think and the comments she can come out with. There are things I just take for granted, thinking she will know/understand and then I'm momentarily amazed ( not always in a good way) by her.
I now work on the assumption that she doesn't know and therefore discuss feelings, thoughts and reactions to experiences, I'm beginning to sound like bad teenage poetry.

I hope the Psychologist has been in touch and offered reassuring advice.

"Gosh you need to sort it out and learn when I am joking"

That's a bit rich coming from someone with AS! ie who notoriously doesn't 'get' when people are joking etc.

I think you may have overreacted here. YOu are angry, yes; a bit like when one of our kids dashes out into the road and we respond with tremendous anger. It's fear though isn't it? re YOU SILLY CHILD YOU KNOW THAT IS DANGEROUS. Not that you'd say silly of course.

It sounds like he's trying to get a reaction, particularly if you've discussed it with him before in depth. He will probably be distressed about his friend but also notices how powerfully it affected everyone - hard to resist iyswim.

I would put in sanctions if he says things like that in front of ds2 re that is a boundary that he mustn't cross. if he wants to say it, or things like it, out of earshot of ds2 then I guess he can (?), distressing as it is for you to hear.

YANBU to worry - who wouldn't?

It could be a throwaway comment. Maybe he hasn't understood what happened to his friend? Maybe it's an attention seeking thing, or there is something that's worried him. Can't really give you any advice but just wanted to add a viewpoint....

Does he understand that death is final? I think often with children, and probably particularly those with SN this is a pretty difficult concept to grasp. And it may be worth having a conversation that it is not something to try out, or investigate etc but that ther si no going back. Sorry to be grim, but it's something I'm trying to get through to my son about crossing roads... that there are no second chances.