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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross with my DSD over dinner this evening?

37 replies

brdgrl · 01/11/2011 21:10

My turn to cook this evening. DH had to go on an out-of-town errand so was not going to be home for dinner. We normally eat between 6 and 7, and then I am busy for a while giving baby DD a bath and putting her to bed.

This morning, DH dropped me and DSD16 both off in town: I was taking baby to the park etc and DSD was going to a film with friends. In the car, we talked about the fact that DH would be back quite late, and would miss dinner. DSD said nothing.

Fast-forward to this evening...I made dinner for me, DSS and DSD. She didn't show up or text or call. She finally came home about 8 (and didn't have her house key, so then rang me while I was nursing DD to come and let her in). She'd eaten in town with her friends and didn't want any of the dinner I'd kept waiting for her. No apology forthcoming.

I know it's not a huge thing and probably I will get a bunch of replies saying that I am lucky she wasn't shooting heroin in an alley and I should just be grateful. But I feel a bit unappreciated and cross.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/11/2011 21:11

That's teenagers for you!!!!

onepieceofcremeegg · 01/11/2011 21:12

She was a bit inconsiderate I guess but no big deal really imo. To be fair she may not have known this morning that she wouldn't be in for dinner. :)

In your position I would save the portion of uneaten dinner and make use of it (i.e. freeze or have for lunch tomorrow)

pictish · 01/11/2011 21:13

Oh well.
Never mind.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 01/11/2011 21:13

YANBU to be annoyed. Unfortunately it's what most teenagers are like - they're pretty wrapped up in the world of 'Me'.

I would wait until you aren't so annoyed then have a chat with her about what you expect in the future.

Original poster
brdgrl · 01/11/2011 21:15

To be fair she may not have known this morning that she wouldn't be in for dinner.
but couldn't she have sent a text even once she realised that she wasn't going to be here...?

i think it is fairly normal teenager behaviour, but that doesn't make me less annoyed!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 01/11/2011 21:18

no. It's rude. Saying it's typical teen behaviour isn't the same as saying that it is acceptable behaviour.

Just that it is an unacceptable and rude behaviour often exhibited by teens Grin

They don't think, I think that's what it is rather than a deliberate attempt to be rude. They're in this little bubble of Them.

Oakmaiden · 01/11/2011 21:20

Maybe she just forgot to mention. I did this recently - texted my husband to let him know I was going out with friends after uni and would be back at around the children's bedtime. Arrived home to discover he had made me dinner, because I had omitted to mention that I was actually going out TO DINNER with my friends. Oops.

Yes, I can see that you would be irritated by it, but what can you do? Other than mention to her that if she is eating out could she try to let you know next time before you cook, as you don't like to waste food.

TheFeministsWife · 01/11/2011 21:21

Ah, I know this well. I usually can't win, if I make some and leave it in the oven DSD doesn't come home, or will have eaten already when she does. Or if I don't make her any she'll come home and want some. Damned if you do, damned if you don't when they're teenagers, (and beyond as my mum tells me).

hellhasnofury · 01/11/2011 21:21

She may not have known this morning but it doesn't mean she couldn't have let you know when she did. It's rude of her not to let you know.

Selks · 01/11/2011 21:28

Well, it is pretty 'normal' behaviour for teenagers, but that doesn't mean it has to go unacknowledged. I'd avoid getting cross though, I'd go for the polite request - "I don't know if you forgot about dinner last night, but I did cook for you as I said I would earlier. It just causes me hassle if I cook and it's wasted. next time, could you try to remember to text? I'd appreciate that.".....kinda thing.

squeakytoy · 01/11/2011 21:30

When you said that her dad was going to be back late, maybe she assumed that meant you would all be eating late?

This is what microwaves were invented for.

Original poster
brdgrl · 01/11/2011 21:36

*Saying it's typical teen behaviour isn't the same as saying that it is acceptable behaviour.

Just that it is an unacceptable and rude behaviour often exhibited by teens*
thanks - my DH and i have had a few arguments about that! he'll say "it's just what teens do!" and i say "yes, and bollocking them for it is what parents do!"

i'm cooling down a bit.

it doesn't help that she had a nice halloween party this weekend, which DH and I of course helped with and cleaned up after, including picking up burned bits of paper from the yard - she and her friends decided to burn their old school papers in the garden.

or that DSS told both DH and I this weekend that if we "got off our lazy arses more", and also got "real" jobs, there'd be more pocket money for him and he wouldn't have to do so many chores. he gets £20/week and has to wash up once, sometimes twice, a week; cook dinner once a week (usually pizzas); hoover once a week; and walk the dog twice a week.

so my patience with the normal teenage selfishness may be a bit thin.........

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 01/11/2011 21:40

Woah! DSS's comment really was asking for a reaction wasn't it. Maybe he should get off his butt and find a proper job, bless him. I'm not sure I'd have kept my cool if my kids had said that to me.

Original poster
brdgrl · 01/11/2011 21:42

I'm not sure I'd have kept my cool if my kids had said that to me.

i didn't.

DH and I had a good laugh over his delusions, once we i got past the rage.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/11/2011 21:43

£20 quid a fucking week?

I would be stopping that right now.... if that is his attitude.

Original poster
brdgrl · 01/11/2011 21:48

he doesn't know how good he has it. we do make him pay for any non-essential stuff he wants from that money, which is apparently terribly unfair of us. it seems that all his friends have no chores, and get anything they want purchased for them. we are unreasonable and lazy, and guilty of child exploitation. also, i "do nothing" all day. (i work part-time, am in the last few weeks of writing my dissertation, and look after a 17-month baby, plus keeping house for a family of five. did i mention the rage?)

OP posts:
Moominsarescary · 01/11/2011 21:49

He wouldn't be getting £20 a week if he was mine, ungrateful little so and so

Ds 16 rang at 4.30 after finishing college to ask if id started dinner yet as if not he was going to his grandads for dinner. She should have let you know she was eating out

ChippingInAutumnLover · 01/11/2011 22:04

Do they live with you all the time?

He wouldn't be getting any more pocket money after that - I'd be telling him he is old enough to get off his own arse and earn his own money from now on and thank him for making me see that so clearly Grin Little Shit

MissVerinder · 01/11/2011 22:08

Pop it in the fridge and warm it up for her tomorrow...

YANBU. That was just plain thoughtless.

hellhasnofury · 01/11/2011 22:11

brdgrl He really does know when he's on to a good thing does he?

AbbyAbsinthe · 01/11/2011 22:19

Jesus Christ! You let him talk to you like that and pay him pocket money?? You're crazy. And I say that as the parent of a teenager.

Original poster
brdgrl · 01/11/2011 22:19

yeah, they live with us fulltime (their mother is deceased).

they used to get half as much pocket money, and were never asked to do any chores. but DH bought them anything they wanted (which he could ill afford, but you might have guessed that there was a bit of guilt and compensatory parenting happening!).

so we doubled the pocket money and stopped paying for everything. it has actually saved us money, because the constant drain of 'i need this! buy me that!' was costing a small fortune. DSD is pretty good about doing her chores. DSS is pretty crap; needs to be reminded 100 times, does a shit job a lot of the time, and as you can see, his atttude about it needs some readjustment!

i admit i am a bit Hmm about it anyway, and plan to handle it differently with DD as she gets older. when i was a kid (here i go!)...i got no pocket money, and was expected to chip in and do jobs around the house as a matter of course, just because i was part of the family. when i was a young kid, i earned tiny bits of money doing extra jobs, and then when i was 14, i started babysitting. my family didn't have enough to go around, and we didn't get a lot of treats or brand name things. now my DH and i are struggling too, but the kids get shielded from it and they don't realise how lucky they are. (they told me recently that "only homeless people don't have high-speed internet." i was gobsmacked.)

OP posts:
Original poster
brdgrl · 01/11/2011 22:21

i'm actually glad you ae telling me we're crazy! i've thought so myself, but it is hard to know...part of that step-parenting thing, i guess!

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 01/11/2011 22:39

You're crazy!! Grin

How long ago did they start living with you full time?

With DS I would say 'You can have £20 pocket money a week, but you must do xy & z properly & without being reminded' End of. No negotiating about having done x&y so should get some of it etc. All or nothing.

You have to talk to DH. You aren't doing them any favours allowing them to be rude, ungrateful & entitled.

Of course it's really really sad (understatement of the year) their Mum died and I can understand some 'compensating parenting' but you have to reach the point where you realise it wont bring her back & it's doing them no favours to let them behave in a way you wouldn't of otherwise.

Beamur · 01/11/2011 22:47

Got to laugh at your DSS! My DSC are pitifully underpaid in comparison - but they don't have any set jobs to do, but curiously they never complain or refuse if we ask them to do the odd chore or spot of babysitting and we do hand over bits of cash or buy them things they need. Is your DSS old enough to get a part time job? We're trying to encourage ours to look for Saturday jobs, but they seem much more interested in sleeping half the day and doing without the extra cash.

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