to be cross with my DSD over dinner this evening?

[brdgrl]

My turn to cook this evening. DH had to go on an out-of-town errand so was not going to be home for dinner. We normally eat between 6 and 7, and then I am busy for a while giving baby DD a bath and putting her to bed.

This morning, DH dropped me and DSD16 both off in town: I was taking baby to the park etc and DSD was going to a film with friends. In the car, we talked about the fact that DH would be back quite late, and would miss dinner. DSD said nothing.

Fast-forward to this evening...I made dinner for me, DSS and DSD. She didn't show up or text or call. She finally came home about 8 (and didn't have her house key, so then rang me while I was nursing DD to come and let her in). She'd eaten in town with her friends and didn't want any of the dinner I'd kept waiting for her. No apology forthcoming.

I know it's not a huge thing and probably I will get a bunch of replies saying that I am lucky she wasn't shooting heroin in an alley and I should just be grateful. But I feel a bit unappreciated and cross.

trying to get my sister age 15 home in time for dinner is a nightmare...my mum has given up cooking for her.

if she is not in at dinner time, she cooks herself

Ahh, teenagers. Don't you just love them. Isn't it strange that they all tell us all that they're the only ones of all their friends who have to help out at home.

Oh, and of course, their friends all get much more pocket money than they do, and have better phones, and iPods, and every single one of them have a laptop, and a TV in their bedroom (mind, I think that's probably 95%) and they all get cars on their 17th birthday.

I have told my children if they don't want a meal, they have to tell me before 4pm or I will throw it at them if they then come in late. So far they haven't called my bluff...

almost fifty - they have to tell me before 4pm or I will throw it at them if they then come in late
love it!!!

beamur, yes, part of the problem now is that they've got the idea that they are being 'paid for jobs' - so have the attitude that they should not be asked to do anything else, or that they should be paid for everything. seems we can't ask them to do anything not on the jobs rota!

the terrible thing is - it is much BETTER than it ever was before! We moved into a new house together, a year ago - and life is much easier and the kids better behaved (yes, seriously) and the house much tidier and more pleasant than i ever thought it could be. but i still get wound up, because obviously "better" is still a bit...out of whack, i guess! well, crazy.

DH is cross with them too, thank god.

the system works that they get £10 'no matter what' and £10 only if chores have been properly done. which i do think is a good system. the problem is the 'properly' bit...and getting DH to check their work, so to speak. he's not been nearly tough enough about it, and as stepmum, i have trouble being more tough than he is willing to be. so for instance, DSS will hoover badly - just turn on the hoover and run it down the middle of the kitchen once - then i go in ten miutes later and see that the floor is still covered with dog hair and bits of food from dinner. or he'll take the dog out for her walk, and he's back in under four minutes (no exaggeration - he always complains then that she pulled too much and he 'couldn't' walk her any longer). to me, that means 'not done properly' and therefore, no £10. but DH is reluctant to be that firm about it. It was actually him being firm about something for a change that resulted in the row this weekend, and the big "lazy arses" bust-up, so I know why he avoids the confrontations. But it needs to change.

oh, and beamur to answer your question - DSD is 16 and DSS is 14. No interest in getting jobs. DSD did just recently put out some feelers about babysitting jobs and has done it once, so maybe that will take off (dunno though, as they haven't called her again!). They are pretty work-shy - even when we've tried to help DSD out by sort of 'creating' jobs when she needed extra money for something specific, she never would get around to doing the job! I think part of the problem is that we give her just enough money that she can squeak by without having to get a job - so she still gets everything she needs, and most of what she wants, without having to do much at all.

Yes - as a parent you can't avoid the confrontations - that's just poor parenting really though bloody tempting at times.

It is, without doubt, harder as a step parent, but at least they are permanently at your house so there aren't two sets of parents to play off against each other. They might pull out the 'You're not my Mum' card but at least now you can so 'No, but this is my house' and irrespective of being a parent, you are an ADULT, they are not.

Keep getting DH on side, just keep reminding them he's not doing them any favours in the long run being lax.

thanks, chipping

now my DH and i are struggling too, but the kids get shielded from it

Well, I think you have to stop right there, because you are not preparing them for life.

Just stop the allowance, make them work for it. That is what life is about. There ain't no free lunch.

This way, they are walking all over you.

My son has a friend who's mother died in a car crash and is being brought up by his dad. Single family.
The son works in a supermarket part-time in the evenings and at the weekend, stacking shelves. (and doing great at school).

All I'm saying is, you never know what life is going to throw at you but you just have to get on with it.

Teaching your children that is the greatest gift you can give them for their future......

i can't see the allowance stopping altogether. for one thing, i'd be an automatic candidate for Most Evil Stepmother ever - which is no small thing! (hah! - i can just imagine the reaction i'd get on these boards, if i started a thread saying i'd stopped my SCs getting pocket money and sent them out to look for work. could do it with my own kids, but not with SCs...)

i would love to see them have part-time jobs (at least the 16 year-old), and agree with you in essence, but putting it into practice would require a seismic shift in DH's thinking.

our current system is a vast improvement over the Old Way - if you'd seen how they lived before...it is a compromise for sure, for i think i have to focus on DH and I being more strict and following through on consequences, rather than taking the hard line....tempting though it is!

You know, it sounds like you are doing alright really. I think the idea of £10 unconditionally, then £10 for jobs is good. Mine are the same though - as long as they have just enough cash to get by, they don't seem that motivated to get a job - DSS is sort of looking though as he's failed his driving test twice now (Mum was funding lessons and we've part funded the tests) but all parties have now said no more cash - if you want to carry on, you need to get a job!
Regarding the quality of finish of a job - that made me laugh too as I know exactly what you mean! I specify exactly what is required - down to the tools needed and getting them out for them. But like I said before, I think our kids have got a pretty good attitude towards helping out, but only if asked - it never would occur to them to do stuff otherwise.

YANBU to be annoyed about the dinner scenario. If I had pulled that on my mum it would have been chucked at me when I came in, and I would have been grounded until I learned some manners.

It's rude, she should have texted/rung you to ask if it was ok to eat out with her mates, let alone to let you know she was doing.

thanks, you guys! afraid i lost my temper over it all a bit, and now am just feeling hurt that they don't appreciate anything. which i know is just - the way it is.

It sounds like it was just the straw that broke the brdgrl's back tbh. It might be a lot better than it was, but it's still a long way from the way you'd have it if they were your kids and not your step kids - all the responsibility but less of the 'authority' :( very frustrating. I don't know if it hurts more when they are step kids because everything you do is something you don't actually have to do or whether it's just the same - they can all be very hurtful though!! One day they'll be grown up and tell you how fantasic you have always been!!