to wish to have Christmas with just dh and dc, not in-laws?

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We almost always have Christmas with in-laws, staying over Christmas Eve and Christmas day. We do not have a car, and are bound by train timetables. For health reasons, in-laws cannot come to us. I do not enjoy atmosphere at in-laws, though the dc enjoy themselves. I personally would love a chance to develop our own family traditions, and have Christmas in our own house, but do feel that Christmas should be about family, and I am being selfish, and would be depriving in-laws, but feel upset about not ever creating the fuzzy ideal I have for my dc. Quite happy to go up a few days after! Hiring a car is expensive at an already expensive time.

1. AIBU?
2. Any solutions?

Yanbu, i love christmas and believe it's all about family, but we spend christmas day at home and always have since having ds1. The reason being we want to create our own traditions and have our family time. The gps come to see us for an hour ish but they live mins away.

You could offer, like you say to go a couple of days later, would they be happy with that? What does your dh think?

Yanbu
Perhaps you could alternate?
Where do your family come into it?

YANBU, try foreign dlplomacy, in France they celebrate on Xmas eve, so we do it with the French in-laws then, and on Xmas day we have another celebration with the British in-laws (ie my parents). See if you could maybe arrange to celebrate a day or two before at your in laws' house and have a quiet Xmas at home.

Since our 1st DC was born 14 years ago we have had Christmas day at home , just us. We entertain family and friends loads over the Christmas period but the day itself is just for us.

I'd say YAN really BU at all, but do be aware that you may regret it later. The first Xmas after we had children, we spent it with my parents and we'd alternated before then with both sets of parents. We decided we wanted to establish our own traditions and had the next two Xmasses at home ourselves. Then my Mum died very young, as DH's had done, both our Dad's remarried and now have their own Xmasses.

We're fed up now of being on our own X years later, and we're heading to the slopes throughout this year .

But I miss my Mum and I'd do anything to have had a few more special times with her. I ought not to have done my own thing when she was alive.

The thing is, doing things on the actual day is important to my in-laws. I like the idea of spending Christmas Eve there, and Christmas here, but as mentioned, this is not possible with train times. My parents are not in the country, so we rarely see them at Christmas, but do at other times in the year.

No, YANBU, thanks to the snow we got Christmas to our selves for the first time ever. DDs were 9 and 12 it was bliss.

Could you .... sssh .... lie and say your parents are over and so you can't see you in-laws? You can see them a few days later and then you will have a lovely Christmas at home with your family!

YANBU - I'd love it. But GPS and SIL are excited about Christmas, look forward to it all year (unlike me, the grinch), and like spending it en famille.
I dread it, then enjoy the day. What helps is that they only come for the day (ILS), and mine stay in a b&b, so no overnight guests. We keep Christmas Eve for us and exchange presents, drink champagne that evening, and accept that the 25th is for everyone.
This is first Christmas with a grandchild, so would feel mean if they weren't invited. Plus it's free babysitting. I also had every Christmas with aunts and GPS and loved it. Just me, parents and DBs would have been boring and ended in murder.

That said, I will prob start an AIBU thread about ILs nearer the time ;0

You dont mention your husband, what does he think about it, as they are his parents?

yanbu. I would insist on staying at home.

Can you hire a Streetcar for the afternoon and arrive back at your house on Christmas eve night ready for Christmas day at your own house?

I do understand actually. My mum comes here every year since she divorced my dad when dd1 was a baby so 7 yrs ago. Once she went to my brothers. She won't travel there anymore it is a 4 hr coach ride and no one knows why. So it is down on us to have her again this year or she would be on her own. We are a 30 min bus ride from her.
I would love to just have me dh and kids, but very unlikely. Plus she doesn't do f all to help when she is here either, or bring anything food/drink related !

YANBU, since you have "nearly always spent xmas with them", to have this one at home and visit them at another time during the xmas hols. Does your DH agree with you on this tho', you don't want to be painted as the mean DIL who is keeping ILs from their DS and DGC on xmas day...

I am used to, and quite like, big extended family Christmasses; but DH really likes it just the 4 of us.
Our solution is to do it my way one year and his the next.
Last year we had Christmas day to ourselves and then went to my Mum's on Boxing Day for 'second Christmas'
The kids thought it was fantastic having 2 Christmastimes and my Mum loved doing the whole 'big day' thing while DH really appreciated the quieter day at ours the day before.
It worked really well re kids presents too as they had ones from us & friends Christmas morning, then DH cleared up whilst I took kids to Church & I did dinner on return.
The day after, they had all their presents from my dm, dsis, daunt etc. so we could all see looks on each others faces when giving/receiving.
What does your DH think?

My views are admittedly biased, but you will have plenty of time for christmas on your own once your childrens grandparents have died.

I wish now that I hadnt spent so many Christmas's away from my Mum, and being an only child, my own memories of Christmas are of it not being all that brilliant, as it was just me and my parents. The only one that I really remember was when my recently widowed uncle came to us with my cousins, and the house was noisy and crowded.

To me Christmas is all about the house being full of people, and a bit of chaos. You can have a "just dh and the kids" any weekend.

Squeakytoy, but what if the GPs keep going for another 20 years and the OP never gets to do xmas in her own home? The ILs in this OP have not done badly as they have been visited nearly every actual xmas and have not had to "share" with the OP's parents, also they are still going to be visited, just not on the day.

Streetcar is a good idea, as is '1 year on, 1 year off'. I couldn't lie about it.
Dh feels like me, (re: doesn't enjoy it that much) but feels we should do it for their sake, and that Christmas is about sacrifice for family. But also acknowledges that he doesn't have big expectations because that is how he grew up. I think that part of the issue is that I want to re-create my own childhood Christmas, which was usually just my parents and brother and I, and felt quite special. Perhaps I am just looking back with rose-tinted.

OP mentions "health issues", so I did think from that there was a possibility that they arent in the best of health.

I am just a softy though, and I would hate to think of two grandparents sitting there on their own on Christmas Day.

Oh it's a real toughie this one. We also go to my parents (in France) every year. I hate it very much and I am desperate to start my own Christmas in my own house - I am 38 for goodness' sake - but my granny (who can't travel) is losing her sight and couldn't possibly come to the UK at Christmas. Her face on Xmas day when she sees (possibly for only a few more years) my DCs open their presents is worth all the hassle. Tough tough tough, no easy answers sorry...

Our DS1, DIL, & DGS live 3 hours from us and used to travel to ours at Christmas. Two years ago, they decided they wanted to visit a week or so before Christmas instead and stay at home on Christmas. Perfectly fine with us. We still get to see them, and they get to start their own family traditions for Christmas at their home. We're not offended at all. Who wants to be fussing with travel over Christmas day??

I think you should visit them this year but then get a plan for next year.

YANBU

I only had one Christmas out of 11 with just dh and the dcs The others were spent at the IL's awful, gloomy, cold house with no tv and mouldy food

You need to put your foot down and do stuff for yourself sometimes. I will never get those Christmases back and it makes me want to weep just thinking about it.

I don't see why the worry about it. We certainly weren't upset that DS1's family decided to stay home on Christmas Day. We expected it sooner or later once DGS was a few years old, as we figured they would want to have their own Christmas traditions started at their home.

I wouldn't want to be pushed into having Christmas day at someone else's house, even if it was family, so why in the world would I mind if our adult children felt the same way? As long as we can see them around Christmas time (really any time in December that we can get together if possible), spend some time with the grandchildren, and give them their gifts, it's just not an issue IMO.

YANBU Alternating it sounds like a good idea. They're not on their own, they have each other.