to wish to have Christmas with just dh and dc, not in-laws?

[dabdab]

We almost always have Christmas with in-laws, staying over Christmas Eve and Christmas day. We do not have a car, and are bound by train timetables. For health reasons, in-laws cannot come to us. I do not enjoy atmosphere at in-laws, though the dc enjoy themselves. I personally would love a chance to develop our own family traditions, and have Christmas in our own house, but do feel that Christmas should be about family, and I am being selfish, and would be depriving in-laws, but feel upset about not ever creating the fuzzy ideal I have for my dc. Quite happy to go up a few days after! Hiring a car is expensive at an already expensive time.

1. AIBU?
2. Any solutions?

I would feel sad to leave them alone, without the kids on Christmas day. Why not just have a "special" day for your hubby and kids where you start a tradition for yourselves in addition to the actual day etc with in-laws.

We make a gingerbread house together 2 days before Xmas (and the in-laws arrive) We drink hot choc with marshmallows, watch some cheesy film - usually Home Alone and light candles and sit together having fun. Just because it is not the day itself, does not mean it is any less valued.

They value seeing our kids on the day itself as they give much more religious meaning to the day than we do. For us it is a day of feasting and family fun - with ALL the family.

I know it won't be forever that ILs are around, but it will hopefully be quite a long while yet (though I know these things are not predicatable!), and it doesn't feel the same to try and establish family traditions when my eldest 2 are teenagers. I feel quite guilty about it, and feel I am being selfish. I don't like the thought of them there on their own.
Very very helpful to have the point of view on here from some people who are grandparents, thank you.

YANBU, a few years ago we finally landed on a solution which works for us all:

My DM on Christams Eve (Chinese Takeaway)
Just us on Christmas Day (Christmas Lunch)
PiL on Boxing Day (Buffet)

Not exactly a solution for you OP but I do not think you are at all unreasonable to want to work on your own traditions. If your PiL did not go to one of their parents every year they have no right to expect their own grown up children to come to them every year.

Christmas is a season not just a day. We have found that by spreading out the family gathering the pressure is off.

Can you alernate between Xmas with them and Xmas by yourself?

Fot the first few years we were married, we inherited my dh's family Christmas which included distant relatives from abroad and their 3 kids. My dh is not close to these people at all, they would just come for Christmas.

To say I hated it would be an understatement. I still shudder at the memories.

I eventually put my foot down and we now have Christmas day for just us and it is completely blissful.

I just got to the point where I thought I don't want my kids to remember Christmas as this bloody awful day with a house packed to the rafters with people they barely knew, and a bad tempered mother!

We spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home and sometimes my Mum comes to stay, we then go over to inlaws for Boxing Day and this seems to suit everyone.

If your parents lived in the country they'd be managing without you some xmases. We rarely travelled at xmas as kids and my brother and his wife now don't travel for xmas day as they want their kids to have "at home" xmases like they have.
They have each other. I won't be upset if my kids when older want xmases at home without me.

I just refused point blank to drag my kids out on Christmas day. I did this the first Christmas I had Dc and never budged.Always said they were welcome here if they wanted but they never did. That was my ex inlaws. My in laws now live 3000 miles away so its not happening as we cant afford to travel back there (my parents also live 3000 miles away:( ). Christmas has always just been us, To tell you the truth though Id love the chance to cook a fck off big Christmas dinner for loads of people :o sad puppy aint I ? :o

We've been doing the alternating thing on Xmas day, though this always means a bloomin' long round trip of the country to see the other side of the family on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day.

This year, my MIL had already determined to spend Xmas day at my SIL's after wailing that if she had to "do it" at her house, it would "see her off". My offer to come to ours was rejected as our house is "much too small" (well, yes it is only 2 bedrooms so would be "camping" in the lounge and it'd be snug around the dining table). We were invited to SIL's too but as we only have 3 days off and I really can't face spending half of every day in the car, I suggested we spend it at home, just the 3 of us.

My MIL looked distraught - "Oh no you can't do that, it would be miserable".
.
It took me a while to stop laughing after I realised that she did actually believe the 3 of us would sit around all day miserable because we weren't spending it with her!

I sympathise. I would be quite happy to host Christmas at home if I could be in my own home, but nothing short of a bomb would budge MIL and SIL from their "routine". Friends and my family have spent the day with us on occasion but the IL's are immovable. I am starting to worry I will forget how to do the turkey whereas SIL has done fifteen years in a row and got it to a fine art.

Kindly but firmly say you would like to have Christmas at your own home now and again whilst the children are small and you will see them in 2012/visit at New Year. They may not have put two and two together unless you point out the DC have never once opened their presents in their own house or whatever.

YANBU. I don't think I could get through a Christmas with the MIL (we would fight like two cats in a sack if we were ever together for more than 48 hours), although I guess I'll have to knuckle under at least occasionally at some point. My side live in another country and are very relaxed about Christmas, so so far we've managed to spend it at home.

YANBU. Every family has to negotiate who will go where,who will see the GC and when. If you want to spend Christmas day at home this year then do.
We usually end up discussing Christmas arrangements with our adult DC in December. My late MiL always wanted to know what was happening by August!