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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that my Mum said DS1 isn't a very nice little boy.

30 replies

minxthemanx · 31/10/2011 20:41

I know he's difficult, very demanding and likes to be the centre of attention. But also very affectionate, very intelligent and sensitive. And was critically ill earlier this year as some of you know.

went to visit my Mum at half term - really didn;t want to, as we have to stay a few days and it puts pressure on the week. Was v v tired, under a lot of emotional strain (marital difficulties too, as some of you know.) But felt very guilty and so dragged the boys and suitcase down on the train to see her.

I know I looked tired and drained, but it's not really surprising. I did have a few tears and poured my heart out a bit to my mum, to whom I've always been close. The day after we returned home, I rang her for a chat and instead got a lecture about how DS1 isn't very nice at the moment, his attention seeking has got much worse, and I pander to him too much. (I don't think I do, on the contrary I feel I am constantly telling him off and battling with him.)

I was a bit Sad that my Mum felt she could be so blunt. I think I've got enough on my plate, without more criticism. AIBU?

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 31/10/2011 20:46

I would imagine, somehow, she's trying to be cruel to be kind. That she wants his bad behaviour or attention seeking to be nipped in the bud before he gets much bigger. I hope you're okay. Try to take it as helpfulness that's gone a bit wrong rather than just criticism.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 20:47

((HUGS))

Do you think she was trying to empathise in a very cack handed way?

MillyR · 31/10/2011 20:48

How old is your DS?

Beamur · 31/10/2011 20:50

That's not nice to hear, and obviously not how you see the situation, but, this is the view of someone who presumably loves you and usually supports you - so maybe (and I really don't mean to be unkind) but maybe there could be a grain of truth in there? How old is your DS?

Original poster
minxthemanx · 31/10/2011 20:50

Mmm. Think her intentions were good, and is worried about me, as DS1 is running me ragged, but I've always held my hands up and said he's hard work. I just would have hoped my mum could see that I'm pretty low, and thought better of being critical.

OP posts:
EverybodysScaryEyed · 31/10/2011 20:50

How old is DS1?

My oldest is 4 and TBH he isn't very nice sometimes. We stayed with GP's recently and he was horrible to them. I know they love each other but my parents did tell me that I need to get him out of his rudeness (he is very unfriendly when people talk to him)

I don't know how old your second is but I can see that part of the problem with his behaviour is that I did pander to him after DD was born because I didn't have the energy to fight him.

Also, my DS is 4!!! I think it is par for the course

you are doing your best and his dad needs to step up too - you sound exhausted!!

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 20:52

I suppose because you have always been close, she probably thought if your Mum can't tell you then who can?

Must have been hard to hear though

Original poster
minxthemanx · 31/10/2011 20:53

Sorry x posts. DS is 10, and IS hard work, always has been. The whole world revolves around him, he thinks, and all the attention he's had this year because of the illness has made things worse. But that's my point, I KNOW he's high maintenance and I battle with him daily - I don't need to be told!! Maybe I'm over-sensitive and a bit drained, but it felt like being told I'm a crap mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
minxthemanx · 31/10/2011 20:57

Also have ds2 who i 5, and a happier, more chilled out little lad you couldn;t meet. Gets very little attention compared to his brother. Which my mother saw fit to tell me, too, as though I didn;t know. Confused

OP posts:
Everlong · 31/10/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 31/10/2011 20:59

well you're not a crap mother!

I hope his dad is helping though - you need a united front on this

Original poster
minxthemanx · 31/10/2011 21:00

Sigh. Yes, I'm sure she meant well, but has a habit of being blunt and tactless, and upsets people without realising it. She's 80, so it's only going to get worse. Grin

OP posts:
Everlong · 31/10/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 31/10/2011 21:07

Aww,, I do feel for you.

Agree with others that your mum was trying to be cruel to be kind but I understand it's made you feel like a crap mother. You're not of course.

I would suggest this: your post screams out that he is attention seeking and gets exactly that from you so stop giving him it. You say you battle him and tell him off a lot - try ignoring all the bad behaviour, refuse to engage with him when he's being an arse. Move yourself to another room or shut the door on him. When he behaves politely and calmly, give him lots of positive attention. Trust me, he is not too old to respond well to this (I have a 10 year old, though he's the easy going one and my dd is the nutter! But if I need to keep him in line all the old tricks still work!)

mumblechum1 · 31/10/2011 21:08

Would it be at all helpful to get some parenting guidance from an outside agency? Sometimes when you're in a difficult situation it helps to have someone who is outside to give you some pointers on what needs to change.

Original poster
minxthemanx · 31/10/2011 21:15

Thanks Proud, yes I need to do the ignoring thing a lot more, but it is very hard. He then shouts that nobody cares about him, nobody listens, he's just a horrible boy, blah blah blah. But I will try ignoring, and have told DH to do the same - 8am Sunday morning, DS1 asks DH to play snooker with him, which he did, followed by a board game! I told DS to entertain himself and that we aren't on this planet to amuse him, but DH just did what DS asked. It's all a bit exhausting, and not helped that DS1 is having counselling for PTSD after the illness, which of course he loves because it's an hour of someone's undivided attention. sheesh.

OP posts:
fuzzypicklehead · 31/10/2011 23:01

Minx, I think most kids do go through this "nobody cares" tantruming bit at some point before teenagerhood. It is hard work. I remember my brother developing a similar behaviour pattern after a car accident at the same age, and it affected the whole family. It was almost like he became addicted to the attention. My parents did have to do the ignoring thing, almost like leaving a toddler to cry it out. I think it was a great strategy, and would have been even better if it had been combined with some scheduled one-to-one outings with both mum and dad either each week or every other week. (Unfortunately there were six of us, so that wasn't really an option--they had to rely strictly on tough love)

mercibucket · 31/10/2011 23:10

as people get older they can get quite self-centred and forget what it is like to be younger. perhaps this is what is happening with your mum? she sounds worried about you and perhaps blaming your son because he is making you feel stressed
I'm really glad to read your ds is getting counselling. your post rang such bells for me. it is so very hard after a child is critically ill and so hard dealing with their normal bad behaviour as well. do you get counselling or talking therapy as well? no constructive advice I'm sorry but lots of empathy if that is of any use

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 23:14

[Unfortunately due to the scare earlier in the year this is all a lot more complicated than 'just ignore him' or whatever, I think the other thread is probably a better place to keep getting support/advice on handing/coping with DS1.]

As for your Mum, she's 80. If you can't be blunt when you're 80 when can you Grin

I know it was hard to hear and I know it hurt - try not to dwell on it. You are doing your best with both the boys, despite DH and despite everything else. It will all work out OK.

Just call your Mother

x

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 31/10/2011 23:17

Oh bless you all....you sound like you need a week or two away..any chance of that?

Hardgoing · 31/10/2011 23:18

My daughter went through a phase of shouting stuff like this when things were stressful at home, she was 7. It was awful as I knew that tensions at home were causing the problems, or at least contributing to them, but of course you can't just solve them because your child is playing up somewhat.

The advice about not giving attention is a good one, but it's difficult sometimes to know what not giving attention means. For me, the only thing that worked was to either remove her (quite stressful, kicking screaming, lots of nasty things said along the lines you have indicated) or remove myself. I realised that saying very calmly and simply 'I don't like the way you are speaking to me right now, I'm going to leave the room' and leaving worked much better than constant reprimands and threats and trying to be all over it.

It's always so much worse when you go visiting, I'm not surprised you are stressed, you so need some support and hugs right now, do you have a RL friend who would listen and be non-judgemental. The thing is you may have been moaning about your son and then your mum joined in, that's very upsetting as if you are like me, the only people who can criticise your children is you!

mumofthreekids · 01/11/2011 08:28

Sorry, sorry, sorry, I know this is really a post about your mum rather than your DS1, but I just had to post when I saw your comment above about snooker.

I think the posters suggesting you ignore your DS1 were talking about ignoring him when he is being shouty / aggressive etc - NOT ignoring him full stop. Your DH playing snooker and board games with him on a Sun am is lovely. Of course DS2 needs attention too and it be nice if he could be included in the games, or alternatively you could spend some time with him while DH is busy with DS1.

I just think sometimes we spend our weekends running around trying to get jobs done rather than having quality family time.

DeWe · 01/11/2011 09:37

"his attention seeking has got much worse, and I pander to him too much"

That screamed out to me that you know it's got too far, and I think that's what your mum is trying to tell you. Not "he is always nasty and never will improve", more, of a "come on you need to stop this before it goes any further".

Think of your other dc, please. It's hard enough to be a sibling who has to take second place while the other one has a critical illness. I've seen several cases where the non-ill dc ends up really hurt and feeling unloved because they feel continuously shunted to one side. How much special time does your ds2 get on his own?

DejaWho · 01/11/2011 09:51

My mother would quite often tell me (when I was being a little shit) that "I love you unconditionally, but with the way you're behaving, I don't like you very much particularly right now." Was she perhaps trying a similar tactic - considering you admit he can be quite a tricky character at times?

Incidentally I was never scarred by the above comment - I knew full well what she meant - and I was, indeed, being a little sod at the time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2011 10:12

"I was a bit Sad that my Mum felt she could be so blunt. I think I've got enough on my plate, without more criticism. AIBU?"

YANBU to feel sad. You do have a lot on your plate. But you would be unreasonable to use that sadness to ignore the import of your mother's words. Because reading all your posts, I think she was right - and more to the point, I think YOU think she was right. Your sadness stems more from feeling trapped by his behaviour than anything else, IMO. And that is a large chunk of what is on your plate, and needs to be addressed to free you from some of your burdens. I think that was your mother's aim, and a very laudable one.

Even aside from his recent illness, you say he has always been hard work, always attention seeking. The illness and counselling would certainly have fed that, just as you acknowledge. He is 10. Old enough to have reason, whether he chooses to employ it or not. And yes, old enough to be told he is being selfish and overdemanding, and that you think he is being unreasonable.

DejaWho puts it very well, and from the position of your future DS1. It looks like very good advice.