to be upset that my Mum said DS1 isn't a very nice little boy.

[minxthemanx]

I know he's difficult, very demanding and likes to be the centre of attention. But also very affectionate, very intelligent and sensitive. And was critically ill earlier this year as some of you know.

went to visit my Mum at half term - really didn;t want to, as we have to stay a few days and it puts pressure on the week. Was v v tired, under a lot of emotional strain (marital difficulties too, as some of you know.) But felt very guilty and so dragged the boys and suitcase down on the train to see her.

I know I looked tired and drained, but it's not really surprising. I did have a few tears and poured my heart out a bit to my mum, to whom I've always been close. The day after we returned home, I rang her for a chat and instead got a lecture about how DS1 isn't very nice at the moment, his attention seeking has got much worse, and I pander to him too much. (I don't think I do, on the contrary I feel I am constantly telling him off and battling with him.)

I was a bit that my Mum felt she could be so blunt. I think I've got enough on my plate, without more criticism. AIBU?

You are definitely not being unreasonable in being upset.

However, I am going to put this bluntly like your old ma does. It's all very well saying you are aware of what a handful he is, and you don't need to be told....but what is it you propose to do about it?
You're putting a lot of effort into being defensive here...but imho your mum is trying to help, and treating you with respect enough to be straight with you. Don't knock her approach.

By your own admission he's a pain in the arse. He's pandered to, and rules the roost. He's also emotionally manipulative and rude. Remember - he's 10. He has no place demanding stuff, and the world certainly should not revolve around him.

Your mum is telling you because she thinks you need to know, and that you need to do something about it pronto.

Mmm, thanks everyone. I hope I'm not being defensive - I have acknowledged many times that his behaviour is unacceptable, and we've tried everything under the sun - sticker charts, rewards/sanctions, loss of privileges, positive reinforcement the lot. I've read the books "How To talk so your kids will listen" etc etc. Some things have worked short term, but having been the centre of the attention in hospital, home, school and the community for 10 months has exacerbated the situation. My original post wasn't about whether he's being unpleasant - I know he is. It was more that I felt I have enough emotional strain at the moment, with him, marriage, my own PTSD and that my Mum being uber critical was just a bit insensitive.

And of course it's great for DH to play snooker with him - the point is that DS2 shouldn't demand it in a fairly rude tone at 8am as his Dad gets up.

Incidentally he kicked off at breakfast this morning - "I've got no appetite", "I don't want this egg and soldiers", laid all over the breakfast bar, kicked the bin, whinged and moaned. I ignored him and sat with DS2, talking about something else and wouldn't even look at DS1. "What, it's more important to look at that magazine with DS2 than listen to me, is it?" he roared. Still ignored him, went upstairs with DS2 to get dressed. Eventually DS1 came up, breakfast eaten. Small triumph, but still a triumph.

Good on you! I remember my best friend when we were 11, he broke her leg very badly getting run over and was in hospital for weeks, when she cme out she could not BEAR for her Dad to leave her alone, she whinged and moaned so much.....he couldn't make a cup of tea!

It's stressful but you sound like you're dealing very well.

Poor you. Your mum was being unreasonable. If he needs firm handling at the moment, she could always muck in and help you rather than make you feel worse.

I suspect he is picking up on the marital difficulties too - are you getting any help for them? I really feel for you, I guess you just have to keep on being firm but fair and try and ignore your utterly unhelpful mum.

Yes we are having couples counselling, but I don't think it's making much difference. It's all a v long story, on another thread probably, but I asked DH for a separation, temporary at least, back in July - he's still refusing to move out. Am very stuck. I agreed to the couples counselling, but it meant I had to stop my own counselling for PTSD as can't really have 2 lots going on. All a bit of a nightmare and I just wish DH would bugger off to give us all some space. Have found him short term lets nearby, a friend (male) has just moved to a new house and has offered the spare room as a temporary solution, but DH just says no to everything and stays put. I'm sure DS1 is picking up on it, but then he's always been an awkward git, not just recently!