when it comes to long distance grandparents

[lazzaroo]

where do I start without sounding horrible?!?.....Basically, my in-laws live quite a long way from us. Our daughter is there first grnadchild and I completely understand they want to see her, spend time with her, ask (a million!!) quesions and have (a million!!!) suggestions about how we could try things differently BUT....I get so tense about the fact that when they come to see us they have to stay with us at our house so it's 24/7 and non-stop. I'm sure they don't mean anything by it but I feel like I'm under observation from the minute they arrive, I try to be flxible about the vague routine we have for little one while they are here (or us there) but it always ends up in her being over-tiored, not sleeping, amnd unsettled when we get home.

My real problem is when it comes to special occassions. I tried to put my foot down for her first christmas, as she was only a few weeks old and I really felt like I didn't want overnight guests but understood they would probably want to be here. Which they did and they agreed to stay in a B & B down the road BUT they arived on our doorstep BEFORE breakfast every morning and left well into the evening. My memories of our first christmas together our not good. It's her birthday coming up and, again, I understand they want to be here but I instead of being excited about it I am anxious about the weekend.

It's not even particularly personal about them. I wouldn't want my parents staying 24/7 either!

I don't think there is any alternative to this. I just need to vent having just returned form a weekend at their house where same issues arise! I guess I just have to get over it!

Sorry but I think you are extremely unreasonable.. these people are your husbands parents... and you dont sound too welcoming towards your own parents either.

A mum and dad are not the only people who a child should have in their life. Grandparents should if possible be a big part of their lives, especially as for many, they will only have their grandparents for a limited time.

Why do you feel it is such an imposition for your closest family to want to visit?

Do they help out at all?

My MIL lives 3 hours away but comes down every month, stays for a long weekend, knows DD's routine inside out and looks after her all day so DH and I can go out, puts her to bed at the right time so DD settles quickly and then we return and cook her a nice meal to thank her. She's a dream! And I can cope with her because she looks after DD in the same way we do.

yabu house guests are 24/7
your child will love the visits when she's a little older

and wont you want to see your DD and her children on their birthdays/christmases??

as we all know children learn from the behaviour of their parents. What behaviour do you want your children to exhibit towards you when they have children? Would you want to be welcomed into their home or asked to stay at a B&B?

I know how you feel - we are in the same situation - although IL's visit regularly my mother doesn't (which I think is sad as she has poorer relationship with grandchildren and myself0. If there are a few things that are easily improved that don't inconvenience them ask nicely, eg would they mind coming at 10am as you will then be organised for the day

I think yabu.

My in laws live in a different country, and when they visit always stay with us. It gets a bit grating to be really honest, especially after 3 weeks but they are my husbands parents and my DS grandparents. I would never ever ask them to stay in an hotel, they are family after all.

YABU
I assume they don't come to stay very often so ofcourse they want to make the most of their visit. It's only for a short time and I bet DD loves the attention. Just step back and let them build up a relationship.

And I know what I am saying as we have long distance grandparents at both sides.

yanbu. turning up on the doorstep for breakfast would annoy me. How much does your dh get involved? Can he deal with them?

YABU

My IL's were long distance when DS was little - I was always delighted to have them and never allowed myself to indulge in self pity over whether they were judging me. If they were - too effin bad! I'm glad they had those early years and special occasions with him and that he got to know them - they're both dead now. Think on OP - it's not just all about you!

Fair enough. I know deep down I am being unreasonable and I need to get over the problem I have with it. Of course I want little one to see them. We make sure either we visit them every month or they come to us, and we video call them at least once a week so they can feel as involved as possible.

We only asked them to stay in a B& B once, which was when DD was 3 weeks old and I had to deal with being a mum for thr first time. I found it hard to do this with the pressure of an audience, when I doubt my own ability and decions all the time. I know all the problem is mine as they make me feel inadequate. I just hoped there could be some happy compromise but obviously not.

BsshBossh - I;m sure in their own way they are helping, but they are very dismissive of our decisions and constantly ned up saying 'wellm we did this...' 'have you tried this..' 'oh, does she really need to sleep she doesn't look tired'. Last time they stayed I suggested MIL put DD to bed. She ended up crying so hard she made herslef sick (DD not MIL!), and MIL wouldn't let us try until it had got to that point.

I didn't want to come on and end up in tears so I'm going to go! but thank you for all quick responses. Guess it's just what I needed to hear and someitmes that's hard to take.

Their having turned up before breakfast is unreasonable - YANBU to want them to dial it back a bit. They should have been considerate of your need for rest, etc, as a new family. I would only have tolerated that from my parents or siblings if they were doing everything around the house. And even then maybe not.
Unfortunately you do, in the main, have to just grin and bear it when it comes to family, but try setting some rules, and, if you don't feel you can convince them they should obey them as its your home, tell them that they're for the benefit if the littley.

Dont get upset. It doesnt sound like they are trying to be dismissive, they are trying to offer their own experience and advice.. just as you will want to do when your daughter has her own child.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It sounds like they're not much help and that their dismissal of your decisions really gets you down. It's not like you're saying that you don't want them in your dd's life, just not so much and in a different way.

It sounds like your dd is just coming up for 1. It will change over the next few years, just because toddlers/small children create very different dynamics to babies.

I thought the post about 'do they help out at all?' quite amusing. If they were model grandparents like that post describes, you probably wouldn't be complaining.

I just wish I had more confidence in my own decisions and then their comments wouldn't bother me.

I woulnd never want my DD to miss out on a relationship with them and that is not what I meant in my OP. I just hoped there might be some way of it not being so full-on, as feel that would benefit everyone. I am not just thinking about me, as I am sure that everyone can pick up on my anxitey and tension when I am in this situation. Things can also be awkward when my parents and them are together, as they can be very dircet in their manner and this has caused upset in the past e.g passing negative comment about a birthday present given to DD by one of my family in the presence of that person.

Guess I just need to stop now. Am just making myself feel worse, and clearly just indulging in self pity.

Hope you come back cos I am going to say YANBU, just to change things. Yeah, I agree with everything re GP's relationships and so on as said above but (and this is important) it shouldn't be making you feel like this - and if it does, something is wrong.

Now this could be a bit of you reacting to their interest/over-excitement etc and a bit of them not 'getting' the appropriate boundaries over your DD. Boundaries are important, you shouldn't feel trampled over and if you need (in agreement with your DH of course) to say that what works for you is that they stay in a hotel/B&B, then go for it! The important thing is that if possible, you all maintain a working relationship into the future.

I/we have long-distance rellies on both sides & frankly, it's a bit of a nightmare, but this has fluctuated over time. However, I have never let any of them put my DC to bed: they need/want us, not them and while yes you need to fit in and adapt while staying at other's houses, it is important for everyone to make clear that you are the parents of your DC, no-one else is and the responsibility is welcomed & accepted by you both. GP role is of value when it is defined. Interference is one whole other issue.

On my soapbox now, . YANBU to want a more equal relationship by standing firm on what works for you, your DH and your DC.

YABU & YANBU

I am in a similar situation to you, although it is my own family that live far away and come for visits which I can find a little stiffling, and although they live close I have in-laws who make me feel like I'm under very close scrutiny (well MIL, FIL would probably just accept anything I did as pretty normal as he's not really into the detail of children).

It can be quite overwhelming at times. However, it's not about me. I have excellent memories of time spent with my GPs when I was a child and I really want DS to have the same. I concentrate on how brilliant it is for him to have so many people in his life who love him and how important that network of people will be for him as he grows up.

I would also say of my situation that in reality I don't think my MIL is judging me quite as much I as think, it's more that I'm fairly new to this parenting lark and my insecurities feel magnified through her lens IYSWIM. Sometimes she really is just interested rather than judgemental.

If you do have a routine at all, particularly regarding bedtime, try and be a bit firmer about sticking to it when they visit rather than trying to be flexible to meet their needs, if your DD is less unsettled it make make things easier.

YANBU. Not if they are anything like my parents anyway, who are the world's worst guests and like to come for far far too long. I don't have much to offer in the way of solutions but I think people who say YABU have just been lucky to have grandparents who don't make them feel like jumping off a cliff.

Coming before breakfast and staying til late evening when you have your first baby is just insensitive, not many new parents would enjoy that, and a decent grandparent should be able to pick up on those cues.

Different people have different thresholds for patience with house guests. I could think of nothing worse than having anyone move in 24 hours a day over Xmas. Its over exciting for kids and they need some peace and quiet at some point. I do not think its unreasonable for them to stay ina B& B or for them to give you a bit of privacy and to arrive after breakfast. I would advise asking politely if they could come after 10am, explain that you like to get the chores out the way so you can spend time with them. Be firm. Explain that DD get over excited and needs to eat her breakfast without other distractions. Its your house ! My IL wanted to move in when I was 9 months pregnant as FIL was about to get the sack and wouldn't be able to pay their mortgage. My husband threatened to get the sledgehammer out and turn the house into a 2 bed house so there was no bedroom for them ! As for the constant stream of advice - it drives us all potty - my Dad persists in telling me to drive carefully ( I have never had points on my licence - he on the other hand regularly drove over 100 miles an hour when we were kids !)

xpost so just seen your update, no reason to feel bad about them staying in B&B at 3 weeks, my Mum stayed in my house when DS was that age and it was horrendous, you totally did the right thing.

Please be careful when you all judge the B&B/hotel issue.
One Christmas we had too many family staying and had to ask MiL/FiL to stay at our local hotel. My MiL is lovely and, far from being offended, was delighted. She confessed that staying with us was great but so exhausting. They loved being able to retreat somewhere quiet at the end of the day, give DH and me time to ourselves and to have a peaceful breakfast.

YANBU. Yes, they should get some extra leeway for their visits which are relatively infrequent. No, that should not mean that everything runs to their timetable. I have quite a bit of experience with this issue as my parents live abroad & when they come they want everyone else to accommodate them 24/7, which is a bit difficult for other people who also have a reasonable right to a routine (i.e. MIL). It's hard not to hurt their feelings and when we did say something it led to a massive falling out. So I don't have any magic answers, just empathy.

I hope you are still reading this because I completely agree with you. And yes, I am probably also being unreasonable / horrible / unwelcoming, but so be it!

My MIL lives about 3 hours away and always comes for at least 3-4 days, usually every other month or so. She is very difficult to talk to (tends towards bigotted diatribes rather than actual conversation), can't interact with ds (see previous comment), is incredibly messy and has more than once drunk so much she's been sick all over the bathroom and I've had to clean it up. She drives me completely insane for pretty much every second she's here, I can't wait for her to go home and I dread her next visit. I am ashamed to say that I actually don't give a shit whether the dc have a relationship with her, but I know that I should so I keep plodding on regardless.

You are not alone

OP I'm the complete opposite. My parents come to see us and their grandchildren but they wouldn't stay with us even when offered (for good reasons however) but then they also seem to be here a minimal amount of time. So they'll finally roll up around 12 and by 4 o'clock my dad's getting twitchy wanting to get back. I find that a bit hurtful really.

I don't think YABU. You are your child's mother and you know them better than anyone, and know how to manage them better. It sounds like your IL's may be undermining you a little.

I was rather intimidated by my MIL, who had a lot of kids. But it quickly became clear that she didn't know as much as I expected. My mother is completely clueless when it comes to babies. I think we are lucky these days to have so much information available to us. Imagine having a baby without MN, google etc! You'd be dependant on the people around you who may not have a clue about what works and what doesn't!

When my parents/IL's visit I am quite firm about things even if they question them two or three times. If there is a reason for what I do, I explain it. There is no way your MIL should be keeping you from your DC. They are not 'the boss' in this situation, you are. Hopefully, the result is a happier child which means they get to spend better time them.

YANBU. In fact I feel that your OP was VERY reasonably put actually.

Basically they come for an overnight visit and make endless suggestions about how you could better look after your dd. Sounds annoying. You end up not being able to keep to your routines, so everything goes to pot and gives them more fuel for their criticism.

And how anyone could say you are unwelcoming - you still DO have them to stay and see them monthly. You can't help it if you secretly don't like doing it.

I dislike having anyone to stay in my house - it doesn't stop me from doing it, but I am always rather glad when people leave. Even people that I love to bits.

YANBU

I very much doubt that the YABU gang are quite as tolerant as they say they are. Not because all in laws are annoying but just because it is so intense having people to stay in your house all the time. I am speaking from experience here as my husband's mum and step dad live at the opposite end of the country to us and so when they do eventually visit, it's for 5 days to a week. I am a bit resentful about this to be honest as they moved away, not us and they are both retired now so not sure why they have only visited 3 times - DD is now 11 months. I am nothing but lovely to them when they're here but I understand OP's frustration - time is just so precious and it is hard to relax sometimes when you have house guests. Perhaps it depends on the guests - mine have never once made so much as a cup of tea, despite heavy hints and when I went back to work it never occured to them that it might have been nice to have made a meal/sandwich or something! Sorry to rant about my situation - I totally agree with greenandblack, lay some ground rules - it's your house. I am going to do this when they decide they can be bothered to come visit.