when it comes to long distance grandparents

[lazzaroo]

where do I start without sounding horrible?!?.....Basically, my in-laws live quite a long way from us. Our daughter is there first grnadchild and I completely understand they want to see her, spend time with her, ask (a million!!) quesions and have (a million!!!) suggestions about how we could try things differently BUT....I get so tense about the fact that when they come to see us they have to stay with us at our house so it's 24/7 and non-stop. I'm sure they don't mean anything by it but I feel like I'm under observation from the minute they arrive, I try to be flxible about the vague routine we have for little one while they are here (or us there) but it always ends up in her being over-tiored, not sleeping, amnd unsettled when we get home.

My real problem is when it comes to special occassions. I tried to put my foot down for her first christmas, as she was only a few weeks old and I really felt like I didn't want overnight guests but understood they would probably want to be here. Which they did and they agreed to stay in a B & B down the road BUT they arived on our doorstep BEFORE breakfast every morning and left well into the evening. My memories of our first christmas together our not good. It's her birthday coming up and, again, I understand they want to be here but I instead of being excited about it I am anxious about the weekend.

It's not even particularly personal about them. I wouldn't want my parents staying 24/7 either!

I don't think there is any alternative to this. I just need to vent having just returned form a weekend at their house where same issues arise! I guess I just have to get over it!

balroymum is obv one of those posters that can't just disagree, has to try and discredit the other side of the argument, yawn!
actually all my DCs grandparents are long distance so I am that tolerant! like another poster said it does grate as the days go on but its so worth it for the children's sake and I'm glad they want to be involved! and no they're not all helpful, but that's okay actually because at least they are there

How long do they stay for? Do they visit you every time or do you go to them? It's just that you say you see them every month. Having houseguests for one weekend in four is a bit much, really. And if it is more than a weekend, then way too much. And houseguests whose company you don't enjoy - well that's just silly.

Set some boundaries when they visit. A good line for when they dismiss your parenting decisions might be "that was very rude! Did you mean to sound so dismissive?". Or "I know you did things differently, but it's our turn now, and this is the way we choose to do it". If they keep suggesting you do things differently, keep saying "we like the way that we've chosen" or some other stock phrase, endlessly repeated as needed.

Stand up for yourself a bit. They quite possibly don't realise that they're being awful. They may be totally well-meaning and try to change, if you let them know. I can't tell from here! I had a rocky start with my MIL (including a b&b incident similar to yours) but we're fine now. She has commented that she feels safe to be herself around me because she knows I'll tell her if she does anything to upset me .

If it is difficult when both your families are there together, don't have them both. If the ILs are rude to your family then they have to take the consequences of that.

The poster who said that your children will learn from you about how an adult treats their parents, is right. So you need to make sure that your children learn not to be doormats who think that everyone else's needs come first ...

As for special occasions - set a precedent now for sometimes having Christmas on your own, or you will seriously regret it in a few years time.

I have lots of coping strategies but don't think they would help the OP because she seems to guard her space very closely, like if we want an event to ourselves we'll make a big deal about having them to stay for a longer time either side of it instead and things like that but doubt OP would be up for htat

How long-distance are they? If you are seeing them every month.

We have always had to deal with long-distance GP and it is frustrating for a number of reasons. I've found the best thing to do, since they are really visiting to see the GC, is to leave them to it -- let them watch the baby, feed her, etc, take advantage of it to spend some time with my DH or do some work.

No, they will not take care of her in exactly the same way, but that's okay. They are never going to learn how to take care of her properly if you don't let them. And the best way to let them learn that their suggestions aren't helpful is to let them find out firsthand that things don't work.

I don't really understand what happened when your DD was sick. She must have been crying for ages for that to happen? When I say let them get on with it, I don't mean with no limits. But there are probably many hours of the day when they can take care of DD on their own.

Sorry I bored you grumplestiltskin. My post was not meant to discredit other views, merely point out that the reality of having house guests is often completely different to the part where we get to just 'talk' about it on forums. As you said yourself, 'It does grate as the days go on.' In fact, I think your latest post attempts to discredit the OP's feelings and unkindly questions her willingness to take advice. How do you know she wouldn't 'be up for that?' She has asked for advice after all.

Good luck lazaroo! I like the strategies from wheredidallthepuffinsgo - will definitely be trying those. Thanks

YANBU
Your house- your rules. Everyone who comes in, must accept the routine that you set for your kids, and follow it. They will leave in a couple of days and you'll be the one to put the routine back inlace and deal with the overtired, irritable child.

YANBU, I get exactly where you are coming from as my parents live in France.
I dread them coming to visit as my dad is a horrible narcissist, and putting up with them 24/7 is just too much for me to cope with.
I dream of them being able to visit for the day like other families, seeing the kids more regularly, actually being able to help occasionally. Instead I can guarantee that by the 2 or 3 rd day, I'll have fallen out with my dad for trying to bullying me/my children/my mother. I've got no good answer I'm afraid...just sympathy.

My MIL lives in Spain, and comes to stay 4 times a year for 5(ish) days. Full days and nights with little else to do than be here. She can be very full on and I have never enjoyed her company.
I go out a lot when she's here. It's the only way I can deal with it.
And to complete my resentment, we pay her bloody air fare for one half of her journey (BIL pays the other)

because she doesn't like having them to stay, period!
you on the otherhand assume that the YABU replies don't welcome rellies warmly and appreciate their visits, and that is not true

YANBU but you do need to work out how to make this work for your family...

In terms of Christmas, birthdays and other special occasions there is no reason why the events can't be celebrated more than once and with different groups of people. For little ones that can be more fun and for the grown ups it can prove less competitive and more relaxing as they are not having to share their grandchild/niece/sibling/daughter etc. with so many others at once.

You do need to be upfront about things though e.g. invite your inlaws for a weekend which will include a birthday tea but let them know that you & DD will be going out to do X for a couple of hours on Y or that you will be taking the opportunity to have a couple of hours to yourself and so DH will be taking them and DD to Z for a while.

When it's not a particular occasion and is a general visit you need to have an idea of what you think will work. Let your ILs know that you'd find it helpful to be able to stick to you/DH doing the bedtime routine but wondered if they'd like to bath her/take her for a walk during the afternoon/do something else by themselves as proud grandparents during another part of the day. If you have a clear idea of the things that you feel need to be non-negotiable, and share those things, it will be easier for everyone to work with that.

It will take time to work out something that leaves everyone feeling that they've had enough company/space/playtime/relaxation but being upfront is a good starting point. Good luck!

I'm sure you do welcome them warmly and appreciate their visits but it's still a little tricky at times, that's all. I think that this is our point of agreement so let's call a truce and wish the OP good luck. Agreed?! :)

YANBU. And, incidentally, I say this from the perspective of the child, too. I did not always love my Grandparents coming to stay when I was younger, as we were supposed to drop everything and spend time with Grannie and Grandfather. And I knew it was very hard for my mother (they expected to be waited on - by all of us, incidentally - and were forever making us children feel like whatever we were doing was in the wrong. "Puffykins darling, come and talk to Grannie, I hardly ever see you,"/ "Puffykins, don't you think you should go and help your mother in the kitchen" etc. etc.) Oh, and they were allergic to all our dogs/ cats/ horses so everything had to be specially cleaned/ we had to change our clothes several times a day.

However, I quite liked going to stay with them, and I have a feeling that they preferred it too. And I have a good relationship with them. And, FWIW, I don't think that all Grandparents have an automatic 'right' to be present at their Grandchildren's first Christmases, first Birthdays, etc. They've had their children - us - and now we have ours. Of course, it's nice to invite them (and I do) but it's not a 'right'.

In an ideal world, everybody would live close to each other and there would be no need for long distance stays

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I'm lucky that all our family are fairly local, so we can keep our contact time regular but relatively short and sweet.

I feel sorry for my BIL and SIL who have visits twice a year, but that time must be so intense for them and there is no escape. I'm pretty sure they've started to ask visitors to stay in a B&B/ travelodge locally now too or at least heavily hinting.

I'd say even though we are local to our families the actual time spent with them is probably not as long (in total) as my BIL and SIL spend with them.

I disagree with those who have said YABU. She is your baby and you bring her up the way you think is best. My m-in-l was constantly telling me how to do things when our first baby arrived. Her ideas were very old fashioned so we did not change our way of doing things but the constant comments were very undermining and very wearing. In the end my husband's brother told her she was in the wrong, that her ideas were out of date and that our daughter was happy, fit and well so we were obviously not getting things wrong and she should stop critiscising. She took it on board and we were very grateful to b-in-law. Also, the fact that you asked them once to stay in a B&B is not anyone else's business and is not unreasonable if you felt, at that time, that you could not cope with visitors. Grandparents are important in your child's life but they do not have the right to dictate to you or to take over your life.

Gosh yanbu at all. House guests are hard work in my opinion and really - someone constantly offering advice would get on my nerves and I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws.

Any chance you could go there more - at least then - you wouldn't be responsible for food etc and could always pop out if you need some space.

Also how big is your house - visits much easier if there is enough space for you to have a bit of time to yourself.

Gosh, grateful for all replies although didn't quite expect to spark such debate! although do feela bit better about myself after reading more recent responses.

I know there is no answer to this. I probably didn't explain myself very well in my first post as I didn't want to waffle too much but felt the need to vent having just returned from weekend at their house.

We seem them every month by either them coming to us or us to them for the weekend. Usually Fri to Mon. Sometimes we meet half way for a day out in-between. And we video call once a week. They live about 3 hours away. I do my best to make them feel included, regularly sending photos, art work she does at nursery, videos etc. I am very aware that my DD learns from me, and I hope that I am not in general unwelcoming, rude, selfish etc as I began to felt from some of the replies!

I was open to suggestions as it's not that I don't want them to come at all. I just need to get over my anxieties about it and learn to deal better with their comments. When we are with them, we always let them bath little one, suggest they go out for walks, do gardening together etc etc. It's not that I'm precious about them spending time with her. When I say (or type) things it all seems so trivial but it all just seems to build up inside me. Like when we are at their house and they ask what time she usually eats (which is great and very accomodating, don't get me wrong) but then this is followed by a million comments like 'why are we eating so early', 'I'm not really hungry, it only feels like we had breakfast 2 minutes ago' etc etc which then makes me feel awkward. It's all stupid stuff I know.

Well, it's a few weeks until next visit, which is for DD 2nd birthday. Her birthday doesn't actually fall on the weekend so we will have seperate celebrations and that's fine by me. I guess I'm just someone who likes my own space at the end of the day to veg out on the sofa and watch what I like on the TV! Our house is not that big, so this may stop being an issue of DD moves bedrooms to accodmate her move into a bed as we will then no longer have a big enough spare room for them to stay!!!! They tell us our guest bed is incredibly uncomfortable anyway so maybe they'd prefer the B & B!!!?!?

Thank you for all responses, suggestions and sympathies.

You do have my sympathies, it's a lot of houseguesting to deal with!

It sort of sounds like there are some communication problems here. Like, in your example, they nicely asked what time your DD eats, but then instead of saying 'oh that's a bit early for us, why don't you feed her at that time and then we'll eat a bit later' -- they go along with your routine and make indirect comments. That's a bit rude actually.

I think the best way to deal with this is to channel your energy into finding practical responses, not emotional ones. So, now you know that their eating routines don't match with your DD's, don't try to eat all together. It doesn't solve the whole problem, but it solves that particular one.

At night, instead of resenting not being able to chill out in front of the TV, be proactive: download some programmes onto your laptop and retire early to bed, watch them in your bedroom.

I know it sucks, but gradually you'll build up a whole bunch of coping mechanisms and it will get easier, hopefully. I know it sounds kind of cold to see GPs as a problem to be solved but I think it's the only way to work out the kinks and make the visits more enjoyable.

I think that you are being extremely accommodating by seeing them so often.

We lived 3 hours away from my PILs (and a in a different country from my parents) when the DC were babies/toddlers and we only went to visit about 2 or 3 times a year.

Every month is too often, imo.

Can you gradually scale it back? Maybe stretch it out to 5 weeks then 6 weeks.

I think that you have to work on not listening to their little niggles (or as we have started to do, making a game out of it - we play MIL Bingo).

Pick out the things that annoy you and make an imaginary Bingo Sheet, when the PILS say/do these things, think BINGO and mark it off on your sheet. You will find yourself looking forward to the stupid comments.

What I mean to say is, don't fuss about the little things. If they do things differently to you, or offer suggestions, brush it off with a "Goodness, yes, people used to wean really early/try and get the children out of nappies quickly/worry if children aren't talking by the time they are a year old. Isn't DD lucky that we are generally a lot more relaxed nowadays. Our HV was just saying how advanced she is in ...".

It does get easier as the children get older, not least because you will often have conflicts of dates, birthday parties on the weekends or sleepovers that your DD will want to go to with friends.

YANBU. My ILs stay in a hotel and I see my parents in short bursts. Other people may like to do things differently but you don't have to have people stay in your home and it is important when you have a new baby to feel comfortable and relaxed.

For those who say would I want to stay in a hotel when mine have kids, yeah I bloody would! I'd like to be the fabulous type of granny who swoops in, buys lunch, brings pressies and then leaves my kids to have a little privacy instead of sitting round doing bugger all like our lot do.

agree you are seeing a lot of them - we see IL's every 3 months for a long weekend which is about right for us. can you husband meet them half way and you could lavish time on yourself elsewhere?

and also agree you need to think through a few responses you can give....even if they don't make a lot of sense, eg. interesting they used to do things like that...nowadays people do this. they sound rude - which may not be intentional - maybe just bad people skills....so stand your ground and learn to ignore them. smile and think nasty thoughts and take deep breaths helps

i also tend to take some time out when they are visiting...walk the dog, go on the pc.....

YANBU my parents are lovely, but I still dread them coming to stay simply because it means having the place clean and tidy (I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it makes DH, me and the DDs grumpy)

The thing is, it's hard work having even your most favourite guests, no matter how good a time you have, there is always that feeling of relaaaax when they go.

So when you add in the PIL equation, and the fact that you feel judged, family routine is disrupted etc, that makes it even more difficult.
I agree with those who say you see them a lot, and that will naturally decline as your child gets older and has parties/activities to go to at weekends.

In the meantime, I would enthusiastically plug the B&B benefits and perhaps see if they could babysit one evening, even if just so you and DH could go out for a drink?