Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to expect DH to "do" something on his day off?

30 replies

ilovecake · 31/10/2011 16:53

Perhaps and i'm just a mean moo? I was SAHM with my DD and DS for last 8 years - apart from making and selling jewellery on a small time basis. Now DS at school have decided I would like to become teaching assistant so am volunteering one day a week with my children's school and undertaking a course, also took on agency home care work to earn some extra money and still making jewellery. Am now doing around 27 hours a week plus all the usual things we all do as mums. DH said he would support my return to working proper but he works shifts and so his days off usually fall in the week so kids are in school. He generally has a lie in, then gets up and plays on his phone or the wii or f*s about doing nothing so when i come back from doing which ever role i am in for the day i get really resentful that he won't think to do anything helpful around the house without me specifically asking. He will do things if asked but i've got enough to think about without planning his days too! It's just doing my head in - am i just being unreasonable or expecting too much?

OP posts:
screamingbohemian · 31/10/2011 17:04

Hard to say

Does he do any housework at all?

How much leisure time do you get?

2rebecca · 31/10/2011 17:18

I think it depends on how many hours a week he works in total and how much he shares housework and childcare.
If his shifts are long then I have sympathy with him wanting some leisure time. You shouldn't be doing all the housework though so maybe agree a division of labour and he can do his jobs in the evenings or on his day off. I would resent my husband trying to tell me what to do with my time on my mornings off. I pay my way and do my share of the housework so if I spend them idling about that's my affair. Are the kids his? you talk about "my" DH and DS. That can make a difference if he feels parenting his stepkids is your responsibility.

squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 17:26

It really cannot be that difficult to just leave him a note saying "put the washing in and clean the bathroom please xxxxx".....

If he is happy to do what you ask him to do, then just ask him, instead of creating an argument by expecting him to read your mind.

wicketkeeper · 31/10/2011 18:24

Does he actually know what you need him to do? I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for all these blokes who are expected to see what needs doing and then do it. If I was left alone in my DH's garage (sexist I know, but what the hey) for the day and just expected to get on with looking after the cars, I wouldn't have a clue. I might manage to check the oil, or the tyre pressures, but that's about it. I would stand around feeling awkward and just hope that I didn't do any great damage.

So - have a routine. Monday washing, Tuesday ironing, Wednesday hoover downstairs, Thursday hoover upstairs, Friday shopping. You know the kind of thing. That way he knows what needs to be done without you having to spoon feed him too much. And share your skills with him - does he actually know how to sort washing, which program to use and why, how to tell if the hoover bag needs emptying, which spray to use where and so on and so on. It might be obvious to you, but maybe it isn't to him. And if he doesn't do it right first time, be patient. Would you get it right first time if you had to change a spark plug?

And if you need him to do something, ask him.

Original poster
ilovecake · 31/10/2011 18:34

Well i do appreciate the points of view - i obviously am being eggy without good cause. I don't know I feel like he should know what to do - not just housework - the garden looks a total tip - DD's bedroom wall needs painting. They are our kids by the way. I get fed up of having to organise every aspect of our lives. I don't actually have a day / morning off where i do nothing which is why i think it feels unfair - maybe thats my problem from the sounds of it?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 31/10/2011 18:58

I think we all do need leisure time though. I need some time to myself each week to idle around. Alot of adult stress is self induced because some adults can't let the house get messy or the garden grow a bit without feeling they should be doing something about it.
There is a difference between stuff that could be done and stuff that needs to be done. I'd divide up the necessary jobs and discuss the others.
I tend to do some housework on my mornings off but would hate my husband to give me a list of jobs he thinks needs doing that I think can wait or not get done at all. If my husband's off I'll ask him to do the sort of housework stuff I'd do "put on a wash and hang it out, clean the bathroom if you can be bothered" but I wouldn't expect him to do gardening because he hates it and we only have a garden for me or to start a decorating project without us discussing it.

greenbananas · 31/10/2011 19:02

Well, I really do think YANBU, but DH would disagree. He figures that he works hard all week to 'keep' us, and so deserves a few hours on the sofa watching Top Gear / playing Sudoku on his phone.

I am obviously being eggy without good cause
No, you're not!! - the situation you describe is one which bugs many of my working-mum friends. They work all day while their shift-working DHs take on the household responsibilities; their DHs look after the children but do no washing or cleaning or putting things away. At the risk of sounding sexist, I suspect that men have not been raised to understand how to do these things (like wicketkeeper says, your DH may need 'teaching' in very simple terms).

The work you do is valid and important. However, I suspect that if I was in your shoes DH would not see it as a 'proper job'. Grrrr!!!!

Putrifyno · 31/10/2011 19:02

"Does he actually know what you need him to do? I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for all these blokes who are expected to see what needs doing and then do it." Err why exactly?

goandshowdaddy · 31/10/2011 19:13

ilovecake - I know how you feel and no, I don't think YABU. I think it's the feeling that if you didn't make all the decisions nothing would ever get done that is most annoying. I have the same with my DH. He's just not proactive (in the home situation at least). I arrange all our bill payments, I decide what we're having to eat for tea, I choose where to go on a day out, I decide what new furniture we need - everything!

And not because I'm some sort of control freak, it's because he's just not bothered and seems to have no drive to get anything done! If I ask which restaurant he'd like to eat in on a rare night out he'd say 'I don't know, where do you want to go?'. Argh, so frustrating.

It would be nice if he (your DH and mine!) would just think, hmm that washing needs doing, I'll do it. Instead of waiting for you to ask!

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 31/10/2011 19:17

These poor blokes who are expected to see what needs doing? You mean in the house they also live in amongst the clothes they made dirty, the kitchen they messed up and the stuff they left on the floor for example? Yeah, really hard to spot, poor little loves.

smugaboo · 31/10/2011 19:34

Oh the poor little lambs. Standing in the kitchen blinking like startled deer at the pile of dishes in the sink. Really, why should men be expected to know what to do with them? They work SO hard after all. I mean, really ilovecake, have you ever shown him how to put dishes in the dishwasher? Because if not, its YOUR fault. You have failed as a woman.

531800000008 · 31/10/2011 19:40

ILove, not pertinent to thread at ALL but you are the only other person (other than me and my family) who uses ''eggy'' to mean grumpy

screamingbohemian · 31/10/2011 19:42

FFS Wicket, he's a grown man. You really think he doesn't know how to do the dishes or pass the hoover around? Good lord.

OP I think you should take a two-pronged approach:

  1. Rearrange your duties so you have one day off a week yourself. This will reduce the resentment massively. And if it ever coincides with your DH's day off, the two of you can have some nice quality time Smile
  1. Suggest to your DH that you'd like to get more organised around the house, and ask him to pick a couple things he's responsible for, basically, that he will do once a week, whenever he has a day off -- a weekly shop, hoovering, whatever. That way you don't have to tell him what to do, he will just get in a routine of doing it. But try to work out a plan together, don't just tell him. Make a list of everything that needs doing and go through it and pick things, each of you.

I think adults need lesiure time and it's infantilising to always be telling your partner what to do. But it's not really fair if he has two days off every week and you don't have any leisure time at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2011 19:44

I have a mental image of a caveman sniffing a washing up brush, putting it in his mouth, taking it out, then, "ook, ook, ook" bashes himself self on the head with it.

Do these men go out to work and function? THEY SEE THE MESS, THEY JUST KNOW YOU'LL DO IT.

BsshBossh · 31/10/2011 20:07

If he helps out without complaint when you ask him to then continue to ask him or leave him a list.

And you need to build in some slobbing around time for yourself each week too!

joanofarchitrave · 31/10/2011 20:11

like 531, I just wanted to register great pleasure at seeing 'eggy' in use.

2ddornot2dd · 31/10/2011 20:14

I have a job list. DH seems to get a thrill out of going 'ooh look, I got three ticks today'. I only put things on it like painting walls and doing the garden, cleaning the bathroom.

If I put on washing, ironing, cooking, shopping and so on there would never be any bloody progress at all. (but it does mean that I do all that myself)

531800000008 · 31/10/2011 20:22
goandshowdaddy · 31/10/2011 20:27

My friend says 'eggy' - she lives in Bristol, I always wondered if she'd picked it up from there. Never heard her say it before she lived there. Hmm.

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 31/10/2011 20:37

YANBU
My wife is a SAHM, our daughter is 3 months old.
I do all the shopping, usually on my way home from work, I cook almost all dinners, almost all breakfasts, do probably 75% of the washing up, and some other tasks as needed or directed (eg, hanging/folding laundry).
I also do nappy changes and soothing DD to sleep, etc.
He really ought to do something to help you out around the house.

greenbananas · 31/10/2011 20:38

(yes, I too was happy to see the word 'eggy'. I grew up in '70s Gloucestershire and we used it all the time Smile)

Original poster
ilovecake · 31/10/2011 20:46

Yey for the eggys! Cheers all. Dh has a responsible job at which he is competent and organised - just want him to transfer the skills! Thanks for the comments - I do take the point that he doesn't do the house stuff all the time to know the routines but he's not stupid I get sick of organising everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovecake · 31/10/2011 20:49

I'm also going to take responsibility for making idle me time so I feel less resentful. I can't wait for it to be offered!

OP posts:
pozzled · 31/10/2011 20:53

"I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for all these blokes who are expected to see what needs doing and then do it. If I was left alone in my DH's garage (sexist I know, but what the hey) for the day and just expected to get on with looking after the cars, I wouldn't have a clue."

PMSL at this. Yes, if I tried to do DH's job I'd be utterly lost. Ditto if he tried to do my job. That's because jobs generally involve training, sometimes qualifications, experience.

Are men really so stupid that they don't realise clothes and dishes need washing, food needs to be bought and cooked, a messy house needs tidying? I have more respect for them than that.

HumphreyCobbler · 31/10/2011 20:54

I too grew up in 70s Gloucestershire and used eggy

Of course you are not being unreasonable to expect him to sort out the house a bit OP. He eats, no? Wears clothes? Makes mess? Then he should get on with it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread