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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get annoyed when people imply that you don't have a 'life' if you're a mum...

36 replies

Scarydragontalk · 31/10/2011 15:54

I often hear people say, 'I had my DCs in my 30s so I'd had a life first' (as if by the age of 29 you've experienced all life has to offer), or 'I had my DCs early so I can have a life once they've flown the nest.'

I'm probably reading too much into it but it seems like such a negative view of what life with children is like, as if being a parent is such an awful slog that they are dying to be free of it. And it's like they feel they can't do anything for themselves while they are raising children, which is surely just going to lead to resentment.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 15:56

Yeah it's a bit weird

But then again some people literally feel they can't do anything when they have kids. Even a bus ride into town becomes a song and dance...you only have to read some of the threads on here to see that.

Others simply carry on living life to the full with their kids in tow.

LaPruneDeMaTante · 31/10/2011 15:59

No, I understand them.
The idea of fun has to change. I make the best of it but I definitely had more, and different (better) fun before I had a child. Work was easier. Travel was a dream.
I envy people who can honestly say that they have as much fun with children as without.
(Disclaimer: children themselves are very fun.)

MenopausalHaze · 31/10/2011 15:59

I think what they mean is they had a different life. If I were you I'd find something else to fret about - this view and the saying of it has been around a long time and you're not going to change it. Best ignore it don't you think?

nailak · 31/10/2011 15:59

others carry on living life to the full, despite/ although it has become a song and dance?

it is certainly not easy for me on busrides etc, i find it quite stressful al lot of the times, but doesnt stop me living my life....

TadlowDogIncident · 31/10/2011 16:01

YA a bit U. Being a parent of small DC is an awful slog for some of us who aren't good at it, have babies who don't sleep and don't have any family help. I'm very grateful I didn't have DS before my mid-30s because I would have been very resentful of the way he's curtailed my activities if I'd had him earlier. I work FT and if I'm going to be able to cope with work and looking after DS I have to be in bed by 10 most nights. Most of the stuff I have to do with DS for his benefit (park, ducks, cafe, playgroup) has me chewing my own arm off with boredom.

Agree with LaPrune, DS is fun, but at the moment my life isn't.

MrsTwinks · 31/10/2011 16:02

I think its a phrasing thing.

I once said to my mum no kids yet I want a bit longer to be selfish. When I said 'selfish' I meant I can do what I want when I want, which is how I think people mean it when they say a life iyswim.

Original poster

Scarydragontalk · 31/10/2011 16:05

MrsTwinks It probably is a phrasing thing, and not worth fretting about, I agree. But as LaPrune says, children are very fun - and sharing your life with them is fun, just in a different way than before. I think it's just the general negativity it suggests that annoys me. Worraliberty I like your attitude.

OP posts:

BellaDonnaSansMerci · 31/10/2011 16:06

My life has changed completely since having DD (4). I would say that I have no real life of my own since having her. Don't regret it but, at present, very little in my life is just for me. I find that quite depressing but it's possibly only because my life was only about me before!

So, YANBU but it feels as if you are

lelainapierce · 31/10/2011 16:08

It depends on your support systems.

TadlowDogIncident · 31/10/2011 16:09

Fair point, Belladonna - it just feels as if the OP is BU. On the other hand, one of the things I find hardest about parenthood is the relentless pressure to be positive all the time, and it's nice to be able to moan on here occasionally.

wordfactory · 31/10/2011 16:11

I think there is often the unspoken expectation that women no longer do anything for themselves once they have DC. That their entire life revolves around family responsibility.

WestsAwake · 31/10/2011 16:12

In all honesty, I do understand. The life you have before children has so much more freedom and potential in some ways than once you have children. Of course your life isnt over once you're a parent, but let's face it, you're never going to have those carefree years again once you've got the responsibility of children.

lady007pink · 31/10/2011 16:12

I had no intention of having kids when I was in my 20s, because I spent my childhood and teenage years looking after little brothers constantly that I actually didn't get to do many of the things my friends did.
However, I changed my mind when I was in my 30s and now have 3. It's hard, but as they get older it gets easier. I've got some of my life back - we never went out for years but have started to again, and next weekend I'm travelling to Australia for a week on my own!!!

There are some that have their children together to get baby and toddler stages (which I found the most difficult) over and done with as quick as possible, and I know of some that keep having children every 5-6 years because they just love going through each stage again and again - personally I think they're nuts!

Ephiny · 31/10/2011 16:16

I don't like that phrasing, but I agree they probably just mean that your lifestyle changes and is restricted in some ways when you have children - more day-to-day responsibilities, you can't just please yourself anymore, and unless you're quite well-off it'll probably affect what you can do financially!

Not that any of that means you don't have a 'life', I would find it a bit annoying if people kept saying that to me! You have to wonder why some people have children at all, if they think being a parent is essentially the equivalent of being dead!

LaPruneDeMaTante · 31/10/2011 16:18

I think many many days with small children are just ticking the boxes and having the odd chuckle, but not actively fun. Satisfying, though.

I like having an older child. But I miss freedom, quite intensely. That's down to economics/geography at the moment. We have no after school childcare and it's quite hard to get round here, no family to fall back on. We could get a nanny so I could work but I don't think we'd be any better off. Working would make life fun, though (one hopes).

TadlowDogIncident · 31/10/2011 16:28

Ephiny, my experience was that being really sleep-deprived feels rather like being dead, only worse. I can't think about the stage between DS being 4 months and 9 months without being overcome by terror and panic - I was actively hoping I'd get run over by a bus as about the only honourable way out of the situation.

Ephiny · 31/10/2011 16:32

Fair enough Tadlow, that does sound awful! Didn't mean to downplay the real difficulties people do have

usingapseudonym · 31/10/2011 17:14

I think life IS very different though with kids - we're now tied geographically, have a lot less income than with 2 working adults - can't go out just on a whim etc. It's worth it but I am very glad I had a "life" in the preceding years and could develop as an adult myself and a career without the responsibility of children.

So I definitely agree with the sentiment even if I can see that the phrasing could be better.

halcyondays · 31/10/2011 17:22

It's not that being a parent is an awful slog but unless you have a lot of family support it does limit it things you can do, e.g going away as a couple for a weekend, which we can't do now we have children, as there is nobody who would take them, having an adult oriented holiday,so I'm glad that we had the chance to go on long holidays, go on city breaks, stay in nice hotels before we had children. We have a lot of fun on family holidays, days out etc but it is a very different life to we used to have. Of course your life isn't over but we certainly don't have the freedom we used to have.

learningtofly · 31/10/2011 17:34

I was at a party Saturday night thrown by one of my younger colleagues and they were astounded that I was a) 33 b) married and c) had a small child. God bless 'em they all seemed terribly young and carefree and they were shocked when they all decided to go clubbing that I opted to toddle off home.

My point is life changes and your personal priorities change. That was me too 5 years ago - before I got married we spent more time out ( and in the pub :)) than we do now. Children seemed a bind, a tie but you know what? we changed.

I'm still happy, I just find that happiness in different ways. And it doesn't tend to include clubbing and all day Sunday hugging the toilet bowl ;)

FearfulYank · 31/10/2011 17:35

I think it just depends on the person. I know a woman who became mum at quite a young age (I think she's 25 and has a seven and five year old) and she just gets on with, just packs a bag and goes. She always has done ever since they were tiny. They've grown up going to festivals, concerts, trips, the beach...but she's very easy-going. (Her kids must be too.)

Kayano · 31/10/2011 17:50

I put off kids for a few years after marriage so me and DH could have a lot of us time

It was great for us

AlpinePony · 31/10/2011 17:55

I agree with worraliberty, quit yer whining and get on with it.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 31/10/2011 19:23

I have a 1 and a 2 YO and I am adept at throwing them into a pram and heading off somewhere at a moment' notice. I would go mental if I didn't do this pretty much on a daily basis.

But come on...! The sort of fun you have with young children is very different from the sort of fun you have in your 20s.

I am so, so glad that I didn't rush into it and had a wild old, misspent youth in my 20s. So glad. Or else I think I'd feel very resentful right now.

We don't have grandparents or family/help close by, so we rarely get to go out at night. My Dad has to come up to stay (6 hour's drive away). We work out easy to have fun, but it's inevitably day-time fun and involves the toddlers - it's restricting, not the sort of debauched fun we used to have. And we're a very sociable, gregarious couple. We used to have a LOT of fun.

If you're having the same sort of good times as you did pre-children, well, good for you - it's obviously a different sort of fun than other people had, and you maybe have a different set of circumstances now (i.e. people around to help?).

So - YABU.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 31/10/2011 19:25

P.S. My in-laws are over here from Ireland for 2 months in Jan/Feb, and instead of dreading the two-month stay, I can't wait as it means we'll have on-tap baby-sitters for 2 whole summer months! Woo!

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