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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at FIL's PG comments

43 replies

ecstatica · 31/10/2011 08:52

OH and I went through a very bad patch recently when a promising business venture didn't work out. We lost much, have started again and are slowly getting on our feet. We have 3 very happy small DC who go without and no matter our circumstances kids are always number one. Sooo...the point? Expecting DC4, OH told PILs (am extremely sick, hv been with the others - so couldn't hide it any longer), MIL was happy but FIL had lots of negative comments, one of them being 'tying a noose around your necks' - 'what a mess to get into now' - 'don't you guys use contraception'....

AIBU to be slightly upset? Or should I try to be more hmmm...open minded?

Even in financial turmoil (hence my intro) I have never asked them for a penny, so can't see why this good news would be received so grimly by him....

Grrrr!

OP posts:
MenopausalHaze · 31/10/2011 08:53

It's his opinion to which he is entitled. Some may be inclined to agree with him.

Original poster
ecstatica · 31/10/2011 09:01

Sure it's his opinion...which is why I said 'should I try to be more open minded' - why would you say some may be inclined to agree with him -- because it's a 4th child?

OP posts:
JjandtheBeanplusPud · 31/10/2011 09:03

Yanbu

I'm always amazed by how rude some people can be, I'm dreading telling all of our familys about dc3 as ill be treated to such comments, when we never ask for a thing or have accepted help, the dcs are our responsibility!

Jacksterbear · 31/10/2011 09:04

Did you mean to say "who never go without" OP?! Cos that would kind of change the whole meaning of your post!

slavetofilofax · 31/10/2011 09:07

He is your dh's parent, and he probably doesn't liek to see you struggling. Which is why he then doesn't act all enthusiastic when you have made a choice that will involve struggling even more, and the GC he already loves going without even more.

I'd say he probably feels this way because he loves you, and he just wants you to be in a position where things aren't a struggle. His reaction doesn't mean that he won't love this child just as much.

Your MIL might feel the same and just be better at hiding it.

Original poster
ecstatica · 31/10/2011 09:07

Jacksterbear - thanks for the proofread!!!! Most definitely meant 'NEVER' go without - God forbid! Thank you!

OP posts:
OmniaParatus · 31/10/2011 09:11

I sympathise. When we called to tell pil I was expecting DC3, step mil's first words when I told her were 'Oh no!' DC3 was an accident but much loved and we are very happy, but exhausted, to have 3 DC.
Perhaps your fil is just worried about how you will cope and is expressing it thoughtlessly. Ask DH to have a word and explain that you are both very happy, but his comments are upsetting you.
I don't know why people think it is acceptable to say anything other than 'Congratulations' when you say you are PG, it is so hurtful to think people are not happy you are having a baby.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 31/10/2011 09:13

YANBU. I just have the one child, my sister has eight. After her third or fourth, my parents offered to pay for BiL to have a vasectomy.
Her children are all great, polite, kind, funny and generous.

Original poster
ecstatica · 31/10/2011 09:18

JJ - That's how I feel exactly, just reading slave's post though is making me think as a rule i try to give the benefit of the doubt (which is why i needed to post) and it does make sense. I'd prefer to accept than hold a grudge.

StoFilofax - you have a very good point!

OP posts:
eaglewings · 31/10/2011 09:18

People say stupid things, their problem, forgive and move on so that it does not create a difficult future relationship between you

You know you want your 4th baby, that somehow you will cope. Between bouts of nausea enjoy every minute

Shakirasma · 31/10/2011 09:19

We all judge people who have more children than they can afford. It it only ok to do that if you are not related to the parents in question?
Your FIL has a right to give his real opinion rather than pretend he thinks it's a good thing when he doesn't.
YABU

gamerwidow · 31/10/2011 09:20

I think slave is probably right with regards to your FIL motivation but I seeing as you are actually pregnant rather than trying for a 4th he should have kept his comments to himself.

Original poster
ecstatica · 31/10/2011 09:22

Omnia - Thank you - yes, he's not the best with tact! But on the other hand, a simple congrats would've been nice, you're right.

RTthroatout -- Nice to hear of a big family :) Vasectomy indeed! Am expecting FIL to turn up with box of novelty condoms....

OP posts:
pozzled · 31/10/2011 09:22

YANBU. He is entitled to his opinion, but he should keep it to himself. Or at least express it more politely. I'm sure he is concerned about how you will manage, but there are other ways to make his point.

Shakirasma · 31/10/2011 09:24

I do need to say though that I don't necessarily agree with your FIL as I don't know your circumstances.

So congratulations xx

OliviaTwist · 31/10/2011 09:25

YANBU.

The noose thing is a particularly vile thing to say.

The only reaction from someone other than the father should be congratulations.

EllaDee · 31/10/2011 09:27

'We all judge people who have more children than they can afford.'

We don't, actually. Smile

Some of us know that life has ups and downs and we could be the next to lose our jobs/ have a business fall apart/ end up paying for a child with an expensive need.

KatieMortician · 31/10/2011 09:30

YANBU. You are not children and don't need to be parented by FIL. It would be entirely different if you were behaving like children and expecting PIL to fund your life choices but you're not.

I really don't understand why, when someone has chosen to inform people of their pregnancy anything other than congratulations would be appropriate? Unwanted pregnancies that are not going to be continued don't get announced.

notyummy · 31/10/2011 09:32

YANBU.

TBH, I probably agree with your FIL - but, that would be part of my internal dialogue. Not something I would ever say. Especially as you are not (and have not) asked them for help. He is entitled to his opinion - but should have kept it to himslef (or at least between him and your MIL.)

JjandtheBeanplusPud · 31/10/2011 09:34

Why is it so acceptable to make such negative remarks WRT another baby though?

Personally I've had it with ds and dd too so I'm excpecting it for dc#3. It hurts but I hold it in as I know they adore them now.

But wed never criticise someones car/school/home/haircut/clothes choices so openly so why their personal choice to extend their family when it impacts on noone but the people within their home!!!

JjandtheBeanplusPud · 31/10/2011 09:35

Why is it so acceptable to make such negative remarks WRT another baby though?

Personally I've had it with ds and dd too so I'm excpecting it for dc#3. It hurts but I hold it in as I know they adore them now.

But wed never criticise someones car/school/home/haircut/clothes choices so openly so why their personal choice to extend their family when it impacts on noone but the people within their home!!!

Original poster
ecstatica · 31/10/2011 09:35

Shakirasma - thanks!

Yes, the noose thing was a bit nasty! And asking about contraception...it's like being 16 not in our bloody thirties!!

EllaDee - Life has certainly had those! When i found out about this baby (just a few weeks ago) I had to withdraw from all important medications It is extremely hard the meds kept me sane when everything went bottoms up. We did not have another baby in mind at all -- i understand the negativities just have been nice if they were voiced to oneself. Thanks x

OP posts:
zipzap · 31/10/2011 09:36

In addition to the other comments - how many dc does your fil have? If he just had 2 or 3 the fact you are now having more than he did, he might be taking as a personal slight on the way he did things - especially if he always likes to be right. Or that his ds has outdone him.

Mad I know, but my mum has congratulated me on being sensible and having 2 as it's the right sensible number of kids to have whereas my sis is mad to have 3 because of all the chaos. Hmm. Her thoughts not mine, I hasten to add and I'd love number 3 to turn up for me too one day!

EllaDee · 31/10/2011 09:38

ecstatica - sorry to hear that about the meds. But I am sure you will get through this. It does piss me off no end when people comment like this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Enjoy it (and roll your eyes at FIL).

Original poster
ecstatica · 31/10/2011 09:41

zipzap - that's very interesting! They had 2. Food for thought.

EllaDee - Thank you. Will do my best and will roll eyes in most wonderful manner!

OP posts:
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