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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset at FIL's PG comments

43 replies

ecstatica · 31/10/2011 08:52

OH and I went through a very bad patch recently when a promising business venture didn't work out. We lost much, have started again and are slowly getting on our feet. We have 3 very happy small DC who go without and no matter our circumstances kids are always number one. Sooo...the point? Expecting DC4, OH told PILs (am extremely sick, hv been with the others - so couldn't hide it any longer), MIL was happy but FIL had lots of negative comments, one of them being 'tying a noose around your necks' - 'what a mess to get into now' - 'don't you guys use contraception'....

AIBU to be slightly upset? Or should I try to be more hmmm...open minded?

Even in financial turmoil (hence my intro) I have never asked them for a penny, so can't see why this good news would be received so grimly by him....

Grrrr!

OP posts:

CBear6 · 31/10/2011 10:08

YANBU. It's up to you how many children you have and if you feel able to manage a fourth then why not? You've already stated your other children never go without. Your FIL is probably worried because of your recent struggles but has expressed it badly, is it worth falling out over if he's otherwise reasonable?

We have a 2yo DS and a six week old DD. I've heard much from FIL and step-FIL about how we can stop now we have one of each and even if we didn't have one of each we "can't" have more than two because more than two is just ridiculous and two is enough for anyone and various other comments about two children. We're not struggling, DH is in a secure job, and we definitely want a third DC at some point (and possibly even a fourth). SIL is the good girl because she's having her second DC and then her DH is getting the snip, we're the bad ones for wanting more than our fair share of children. Neither FIL has followed their own advice as DH is one of three (technically six counting a DB who was sadly stillborn and two DCs from previous relationships that FIL doesn't see)

Take it with a pinch of salt. You and your DH are happy about it, that's the main thing.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 31/10/2011 10:27

So your contraception did fail then? So to that extent he has a point. You need to be especially careful with contraception when you can't afford another child. I think the reason you're upset is he has a point even if not very kindly expressed.

Ozziegirly · 31/10/2011 10:28

PILs come out with some weird stuff. When we announced I was pregnant, my MIL asked "was it planned"?

We had been married for 6 years, together for about 10, very happy, good jobs etc.

Loon.

NellyMelba · 31/10/2011 10:30

shrugs

people who have kids they cant afford should be prepared for negative comments

Original poster

ecstatica · 31/10/2011 10:49

Who said anything about not being able to afford having more children?!?
Because we've gone through a bad match means that 'I' go without not my children. I think the fun of these threads for some can be the anonymity of being a plain arse with no accountability.
I've agreed with all opinions am not closed minded 'people who have kids they can't afford' -- disgusting!
Disgusted!

OP posts:

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 31/10/2011 10:59

If you're going without basics so your kids don't have to you can't really afford another child. I'm sure you'll manage but the way you describe it sounds far from ideal and I can see why fil would be worried for all of you.

NotJustKangaskhan · 31/10/2011 11:01

I empathise completely - when my husband told his parents about DC4, my MIL was shocked he hadn't had his "power cords clipped" (her phrasing) yet and FIL just said "Why?". They have 5 kids, but freely admit they're all accidents and have the perception that as contraception has gotten so much better there isn't any point of having more than one so it's hard to explain that we both want and chose this.

I hope you find someone encouraging - for us, my husband's grandma and one of his cousins have been very lovely to us as has my own grandfather.

EricNorthmansMistress · 31/10/2011 11:10

YANBU to think it was out of order to express his thoughts, but I'm afraid I'd think the same as he did if you were my family/friends and I knew your circumstances. Still, I'm a judgemental old bat and I'm sure you will manage fine and be very happy.

whatacrapstressfulday · 31/10/2011 11:18

YANBU, I got the same when pregnant with no.4. Really, unless there are extreme circumstances, the appropriate reaction when someone tells you they are pregnant is 'Congratulations'. I was made to feel as if I had to apologise for my pregnancy, and I exaggerated how much of an accident it was to stop people from being nasty to me. And we are both in full time jobs paying above national average wage - the new baby just meant we had to move house. Some people are just nasty.

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/10/2011 11:40

YABU, nobody likes to see their children suffer and your DH is still his child. If finances are already in distress then the thought of adding another child into the mix means your FIL (and maybe others) are worried about the impact it will have on the situation.

Original poster

ecstatica · 31/10/2011 11:57

Thanks again folks it was definitely worth asking. Always good to see things from both viewpoints and I've definitely had both it's a case of no hard feelings but glad to have been able to talk it through in cyber world.

Ghoulwdt - Sure. Whatever you think/say/feel....

OP posts:

onlylivinggirl · 31/10/2011 12:09

I agree with the posters who have said he is entitled to his opinion - most people would keep quiet about it and maybe that is more tactful and less honest. Did they know you were planning another child? have they expressed an opinion before? they may not help financially but do they help emotionally and practically?
The other thing they may be concerned about is how this child impinges on your ability to care for the others.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 31/10/2011 12:17

OP Congratulations :)

YANBU Your FIL should keep his thoughts to himself.

Rhubarbgarden · 31/10/2011 13:02

Oh dear. He sounds like my Dad. Some people are just thoughtless and utterly lacking in tact. When I told my Dad I was pg with dc2, he spent the next few weeks saying things like 'it's not compulsory you know' and 'I hope you've made the right decision'. And I got the stern comments about 'being very careful after this one is out'; we wouldn't want three now would we?? I was really upset - as my mother is dead he could at least have tried. It's not even like we have any financial issues, so unlike in your FIL's case I can't even put it down to badly expressed concern over how we will cope. No he's just a miserable bugger who likes to rain on other people's parades. Some people are like that, and all you can do is roll with it.

Original poster

ecstatica · 31/10/2011 14:24

Thanks for the congratulations -- :)

Rhubarbgarden - My father had the same attitude with DC2 and 3 which is why I won't be telling him until at least the New Year. 'miserable old bugger who likes to rain on other people's parades' i'm so sorry, bless him (my aunt was the same) thanks for sharing that, guess there are those who just do what they do! With my dad, he'd rather I was still out working and enjoying myself than being 'stuck' with kids - he loves us all dearly but is bitter with his own issues.

Thanks x

OP posts:

eaglewings · 31/10/2011 15:19

I dont judge those who have large families and 'can't afford them, I'm ttc #4

I do judge those who buy massive Chelsea Tractors on HP and have nothing saved for an emergency. I know it's wrong to judge :)

Firawla · 31/10/2011 15:28

OP congrats, yanbu to be hurt by fil's comments but I would just try to ignore it if you can. Parents & inlaws might think they have best interests at heart but as an adult you can make your own decisions. I've also had comments about 'no need to rush for the next one' '2 is plenty' & now that i've had 3 '3 is plenty' lol.
I still want more though and hopefully will do. Even if you are financially struggling once your baby is here and they see you can manage somehow then hopefully people will become more positive?

Rhubarbgarden · 31/10/2011 23:20

"Rather you were still out working and enjoying yourself" - yep, that's my Dad. If you add to that being single, living on my own in a flat where he can pootle in and do some DIY and 'advise' me about this, that and the other; honestly how very dare we get married and have kids and exclude them like this.

I just watched About Schmidt and cried my eyes out. Dads...

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