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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to travel abroad 2 weeks before due date?

36 replies

shouldhestayorshouldhego · 30/10/2011 20:28

Please bear with me - genuinely unsure what to do here:

DH due to travel to New York with work in February 3 weeks before my due date (second child). He'll be away for nearly a week so returning 2 weeks before due date.

Trip is not absolutely essential - he could ask someone to take his place but he will enjoy it and is 'the best man for the job'.

Was induced a few days early with DD due to IUGR so don't know if she would have been on time or late of left to her own devices.

I would obviously be gutted if he missed the birth but could manage practically.

I really don't want to demand he stays when the chances are that the baby could stay put for another month from the start of the trip but it's more that I don't want him to miss it for his own sake.

I don't think he really gets that there's a chance the baby could come early - he's more of the 'it will be fine' persuasion.

He will stay if I give the command but don't know if I should -I'd rather he came to the decision himself!

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 30/10/2011 20:32

Why don't you just ask him to stay? Just in case he doesn't come to the descision himself?

IndieSkies · 30/10/2011 20:32

He could be home within, what, 10 hours if you went into labour early?

BikeRunSki · 30/10/2011 20:34

YANBU in my opinion. 38 weeks is certainly in "Anytime now" territory (my labours started spontaneously at 38+5 and 39+0 and both babies appeared within 8 hours (both emcs, but 10cm dilated both times).

Hulababy · 30/10/2011 20:35

I can understand your concerns and tbh I think I would be asking dh to stay in the UK so close to the birth.

Chances are if he did go and you went into labour he would not be able to get home that quickly. It would also be likely to be very expensive to have to get a flight back at such short notice too.

Hulababy · 30/10/2011 20:36

Make sure he is aware that a term baby can be anything from about 37 weeks to 42 weeks, so 2-3 weeks early is not uncommon.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/10/2011 20:37

I wouldn't want my dh to go either. All being well, he'll be back 2 weeks before you are actually due, but you never can say for certain that you will not go early.

I think that if it is not essential and someone else could do the job, he shouldn't go.

I would make it very clear to him that babies can be born at any time from 37 weeks and if he goes, he is taking a very real chance that he might miss the birth. If he is okay with that, well it's down to him. It would certainly be clear where his priorities lie. At the moment, I think he is just assuming that babies turn up when they are supposed to.

Iggly · 30/10/2011 20:37

YANBU

I know someone who's husband was away when she went into labour at 37 weeks. Luckily he got back just in time literally as she was pushing.

What about your first DC? who will help when you go into labour? What happens if it's early or he gets stuck because of bad weather?

IndieSkies · 30/10/2011 20:40

The weather is an issue in Feb. Tell him the met office is predicting lots and lots of snow this winter (it is) - he could be stuck for over a week...

GreyRosesAreMyFavourite · 30/10/2011 20:43

I think YABU. Presumably he travels a fair bit? You could go into labour anytime actually from 24 weeks to 42 weeks (those are the extremes I have had personally!!) and you cannot expect him not to travel for 18 weeks Grin. But the chances are it will be fine. And actually I know people who have been hard at work themselves two weeks before their due date.

Presumably his work would help fly him back if you did go into labour?

A good friend was in the states 6 weeks before his wife was due, and he had to fly back. His work covered all expenses concerned. Not sure insurance would cover it??

Original poster
shouldhestayorshouldhego · 30/10/2011 20:44

I don't think he really could get back at short notice due to the nature of the trip (trying not to give too much identifying info away here) so yes, he would be taking the risk of missing it.

Iggly - practically we would be ok - I can arrange foe my mum and / or sister to stay while he is away and we have PIL and friends who could look after DD.

Any idea how I can educate him in the field of babies coming early without looking like I'm being OTT or panicking?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 30/10/2011 20:46

Personally Id have no problem giving birth without a partner there, Ive done it twice before.

Not like it is a week before, still be two weeks left when he returns. If he stays behind and nothing happens how bad will you feel?

Original poster
shouldhestayorshouldhego · 30/10/2011 20:47

Grey - no, he doesn't travel a lot, not abroad anyway. Just this one annual trip- we knew about it before we even TTC and tried to avoid it but got our dates a bit wrong Blush

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 30/10/2011 20:47

My first labour was over in six hours, from waters breaking to baby arriving.

No way anyone could get back from another country in this time.

I would ask him not to go. He won't want to miss the birth of his child, will he? And if he doesn't go and the baby is two weeks late so what? He would have made the sensible decision anyway.

Original poster
shouldhestayorshouldhego · 30/10/2011 20:48

I would feel bad Fabby - this is why I am finding it difficult to decide whether to ask him to stay. But not as bad as he will feel if he misses it.

OP posts:
emsyj · 30/10/2011 20:51

YANBU - DD was born at 37+1. 2 days earlier DH had been out drinking with friends and I had gone to pick him up late at night (in a bit of a sorry state). Thought nothing of it at the time, but DH was quite unnerved when I had DD very soon afterwards - he kept saying, 'what if it had been that night when I went out?'

My first labour went from zero to finish in 4.5 hours so DH would have missed it if he'd been abroad.

mumofthreekids · 30/10/2011 20:52

My first baby was due on the 6th of the month and DH was away (only in Europe though) until the 2nd. He had to go - it was something he had been working towards for 6 months - although of course he would have missed it if I had been in labour. In the event DS was 8 days late.

If you feel confident about giving birth without him, I would let him go and take the risk. Of course the baby could be 2-3 weeks early but the chances are he'll be back in time.

Uglymush · 30/10/2011 20:54

I would ask him to stay. I can't ask my husband to stay at home due to the nature of his job, he goes where he is told and when, but he can be flown back at his employers cost if necessary. As a back up I have 'banned' my parents from taking their annual holiday when they usually do so they can be there for me instead. BTW mum mentioned it first so don't berated me for being selfish please.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/10/2011 20:55

I would ask him to stay. Definitely. I would want him to be there for me as much as for him! I'm surprised he's thinking about still going, but he might change his mind nearer the time anyway.

Of course you can cope and it's not essential, but really, would he enjoy the trip that much if he knew you could go into labour at any time?

The trip is not essential and he may well get chance to go another time.

JugsMcGee · 30/10/2011 20:55

I'm torn. On one hand, if you can cope without him then I'd be ok with him going. But then, even if you can cope, both DH and I would be disappointed if he missed it. I went into labour (1st and only) at 39+1 and it was over in 8.5 hours from waters breaking to DS being born.

I would be worried about the weather too. When does he have to decide?

EllaDee · 30/10/2011 20:56

I would love to be the sort of person who could calmly say 'oh, you go, I'll be fine' ... but I am not. And it sounds as if you are not either. There's nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with saying so to your DH.

Original poster
shouldhestayorshouldhego · 30/10/2011 21:11

Tbh Ella I would be fine and have said that up until now when he has started to question the idea himself.

It is more the fact that if anything does happen without him he'll never be able to get that back

OP posts:
EllaDee · 30/10/2011 21:14

Oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood! OK, you're much more capable than I would be then! Grin

But still, I think there is nothing wrong with asking him, since I'm sure there will be other trips.

oooggs · 30/10/2011 21:19

1st baby was due 6th Jan and Dh was going away 9th Dec for 10 days.

I was concerned so he decided not to go, baby born 11th Dec at 36+4

2nd & 3rd (twins) induced at 38 weeks and 4th was 10 days early

HappyCamel · 30/10/2011 23:07

Don't et him go. Hopefully it will all be fine. But two weeks heavily pregnant with a little one and no help doesn't sound fun.

If you did labour and there were complications for you or the baby it could be very rough on your relationship. Anything past 37 weeks would be too risky for me.

But then DD1 was 39 weeks, 3.5 hour labour and my family has a neonate mortality rate of about 30%.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 31/10/2011 02:15

I think this is a difficult one as it sounds like it would be very helpful for DH to travel. My DH went abroad when I was 36-37 weeks pg with DC2. I wasn't too worried although did get my parents to come and stay just in case something happened. I wouldn't have wanted to stop him doing what he needed to do for work though. In your case you'll be that much later and therefore a bit more likely to have baby early. If you're genuinely not too worried about the practical stuff I'd say get him to go but have a back up plan just case the baby decides to put in an appearance.