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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH not to travel abroad 2 weeks before due date?

36 replies

shouldhestayorshouldhego · 30/10/2011 20:28

Please bear with me - genuinely unsure what to do here:

DH due to travel to New York with work in February 3 weeks before my due date (second child). He'll be away for nearly a week so returning 2 weeks before due date.

Trip is not absolutely essential - he could ask someone to take his place but he will enjoy it and is 'the best man for the job'.

Was induced a few days early with DD due to IUGR so don't know if she would have been on time or late of left to her own devices.

I would obviously be gutted if he missed the birth but could manage practically.

I really don't want to demand he stays when the chances are that the baby could stay put for another month from the start of the trip but it's more that I don't want him to miss it for his own sake.

I don't think he really gets that there's a chance the baby could come early - he's more of the 'it will be fine' persuasion.

He will stay if I give the command but don't know if I should -I'd rather he came to the decision himself!

OP posts:

KatAndKit · 31/10/2011 07:30

Who will look after your other child if you are admitted into hospital early. Or if he misses the birth but you have to stay in the hospital for days afterwards. 37 weeks is considered full term so at that point, he should be close at hand (ie at least in the same country) and ready for action.
YANBU and if he went, you might spend the whole week really worried.

Also you will be very heavily pregnant even if the baby doesn't come early so he should be at hand to help you out with things at home if need be.

whatdoiknowanyway · 31/10/2011 07:47

Mine was due to go on a once in every 5 years conference that was important to his work. He'd been looking forward to going and then we found out it was the week DD2 was due. It was in Switzerland.
DD 1 had been a week late, I knew how important the conference was to him so I told him to go. It was in the days before widespread mobile phones so his heart leapt every time he saw a note addressed to him on thennoticebord but it was all ok and DD2 arrived a couple of days after her got home.

Gigondas · 31/10/2011 07:54

Agree with katandkit- I do understand that you can feel
Like made a fuss for no reason (dd arrived
At 41 weeks ). An due late jan but have cancelled proposed trip to France when I hwod
Be 37 weeks at Xmas and dh due to go away in Europe for 2 nights just before due date.
Whilst I agree with fabby that I could labour alone , I would prefer dh to be there and esp after - I had complications so was off for an hour or so being sorted out after dd born. Dh cuddled and took care of her (and the doting daddy's girl relationship began ). I don't like idea of him
Not being there for dd2 horrid - that bothers me a lot more than him not holding my hand (as I can have drugs ).

So yanbu

RottenRow · 31/10/2011 07:57

Would he be ok with missing the birth? If it were my dh I would ask him this and not be giving him permission to go. My dh had to cut short a business trip to Europe as I was admitted to hospital with high blood pressure at 37 weeks. In retrospect it would have been better for his company if someone else had been there.

ithaka · 31/10/2011 07:59

I am the most gung ho and laid back of pregnant women, worked right up to my due date etc, but my husband wouldn't go on that trip, as is not essential and someone else can go.

I was 42 weeks with my first and 41+3 with my second. For my third, my waters broke at 38 weeks (hadn't broke in advance with the first two) and she was with us within a few hours, so you just cannot predict these things.

38 weeks is well within the parameters of normal gestation.

Of course, if he doesn't go, you just know you are ensuring baby hangs on til 42 weeks, but what can you do? A work trip someone else can go on just would not seem that important to us when I was that pregnant.

FutureNannyOgg · 31/10/2011 08:09

I would ask him to stay. EDD is just a guess really, you have a 5 week window where the baby could turn up.

I would also not be impressed if my birth partner arrived "in the nick of time" or when I had been in labour for hours, being at the birth isn't about sticking your head around the door at the last minute, it's about supporting through the whole labour, including the bits before you get admitted to hospital (or a CMW will stay with you if you are at home). That can be a long slog on your own. For that reason I would employ a doula if he was going away.

Another point is that you are going to be heavily pregnant with another child to look after. Surely it would be helpful (if not absolutely necessary) for him to be about after work hours to wrangle DC, make dinner if you are not feeling up to it, help you get things ready for baby at home.

It seems really slack to swan off and leave you to it, hoping to get back in time for the "rewarding" bit.

SootySweepandSue · 31/10/2011 08:20

What other support do you have? I am presuming you have parents or sister as such. I would be concerned about your other DC and looking after them, especially if you end up in the hospital for a few days or end up needing a CS.

If you genuinely have no other support I would tell DH not to go. I'm surprised your DH thinks it's fine.

MysteriousHamster · 31/10/2011 08:30

Not only are you very close to giving birth at that point, but you'll be looking after another child while heavily pregnant, potentially in snow etc. Not to say a pregnant woman can't manage all that, but I think many men in that situation would prefer to stay home in case help was needed.

It sounds like he wants you to make the decision so he can feel sorry for himself for not going, which would be harder to do if he's the one who decides!

Graciescotland · 01/11/2011 00:52

My DH went on a planned work trip to Italy when I was 39w, cue waters breaking and a mad dash to get home. Baby politely waited till he got here but in retrospect he shouldn't of gone.

It's one of those sod's law things though inevitably any decision will be the wrong one.

Rhubarbgarden · 01/11/2011 08:18

I personally wouldn't want him to go but that's because dd arrived at 38 weeks, and also I would worry about stuff going wrong and having to deal with it without him there.

samandi · 01/11/2011 08:59

You say that it is primarily for his sake that you want him to stay, and that you have support and are fine to give birth without him there. Presumably he's an adult and can make the decision whether he wants to be around on the chance that the baby will come early. So I'm not sure why you want to "ask" him to stay "for his sake"? If you want him to stay for your sake, then ask him to stay. It's not a big or unreasonable request IMO.

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