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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not understand her?

41 replies

rmm · 30/10/2011 15:08

Two years ago, just after I had dc2 we met up with a lovely couple. They had much older kids but were so friendly, we got on amazingly well and I counted her among my clostest friends. About a year ago I was closest to her when I decided to self improve, I had put on a lot of weight after dc2 and decided to lose weight and regain some of my self confidence. She was part of this process and I thought she was a supportive friend.

Fast forward to now and all my interactions with her are really really aggressive. She seems to be constantly finding nasty things to say in a really shouty, bullying way, which have reduced me to tears on several occasions. Surprisingly she only behaves this way if the dhs aren't around. If it's a group setting she is as sweet as pie.

I've been deliberately left out of various events etc, that shes organised, and to be honest have gone on and made a new circle of friends so I do understand that maybe this friendship was not as strong as I thought.

But I find myself bracing myself mentally whenever I see her for the next put down/argument.
I'm not really close to her any more but the dhs are, so cutting her out of my life isn't an option, I've tried talking to her, and she acts surprised and hurt that I'm being over sensitive.

So how do I deal with her without coming away with that horrible feeling every time?

OP posts:
Bangtastic · 30/10/2011 15:10

She is jealous of you. She is not a friend. Get rid, she sounds toxic and all round fucking horrible.

AKMD · 30/10/2011 15:10

Tell your DH that you aren't having anything more to do with this horrible woman. If he's worth his salt he won't expose you to such abuse.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 15:12

The DHs can carry on being friends, there's no need for you and this woman to be friends and no need for a foursome.

NowNowThen · 30/10/2011 15:13

Cut contact. She is jealous of you. probably one of those people that can be friends with people who are fatter/uglier/poorer than her. Sounds very unpleasant.

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 30/10/2011 15:16

you don't need to understand her, don't expend the energy. what a nasty bint.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/10/2011 15:18

You were the "Fat Friend" that she stood next to to make herself look good. Just stop dealing with her, let your DH and her DH do whatever it is they do, but just don't go yourself. If the DHs are playing golf or whatever one day, find yourself something to do with one of your new friends or have a nice day with your DCs. Just ignore her and practise the classic MN "Did you mean to be so appallingly rude to me just then?" for if ever you just can't avoid her.

worraliberty · 30/10/2011 15:19

Does she need to lose any weight herself?

Original poster
rmm · 30/10/2011 15:22

I'm so glad I'm not being paranoid!
The dhs have regular boys nights out and we have a lot of mutual friends, so as much as I want to cut all contact I just can't.

The only time we socialize is in a group setting, but we live on the same street and I walk to everywhere so I do see a fair amount of her one on one. She almost seems to seek out these opportunties on the pretext of catching up, and then is really agressive and shouty at almost any topic. I've really tried to avoid these situations, I make the daftest excuses to escape, but she then latches onto this as another reason to be upset with me. I just don't understand what I ever did to make her so angry.

So instead of engaging with her and responding with anger, what do I say in a calm controlled manner?
I've seen some terrific put downs suggested here, which might be more effective.

Any suggestions would be most welcome!

OP posts:
EssentialFattyAcid · 30/10/2011 15:25

If she gets aggressive just say sympathetically, "are you OK, you always seem so on edge and stressed at the moment?"

ZillionChocolate · 30/10/2011 15:26

"Pardon?", "Surely you must know how rude that sounds?", "I am happy that I have done X, if you are my friend then surely you'd be happy for me".

How about those as starters?

Bangtastic · 30/10/2011 15:27

Give her the tried and tested MN line. Can't remember it word for word but it's something like:

"I'm sorry, did you mean to be so rude to me then? I'm sure you didn't, but it was really quite rude..."

Just don't take her shit OP. You don't need nor deserve it, from her or anybody. Make sure she knows that. Congratulations on your weight loss and new found confidence - now go and put it into good use and tell her that if she uses you as her verbal punchbag one more time, you'll chin her Grin

Original poster
rmm · 30/10/2011 15:29

Worra- yes she does need to lose weight. But we started this journey together. I was just more stubborn in my quest to lose weight. I can't understand how awful one feels when trying to lose weight, but i have never been nasty to her. She was my friend.

Pom - I have cut down as much contact with her, tbh she's also stopped inviting me to many things she truly is the social butterfly of the street, it did used to bother me but now I find myself too busy to go anyway, which is something else she picks on.

I don't want to fight with her, I just want her to stop being so aggressive. I feel like I'm back in high school when I'm around her. Poor dh has been really supportive, but his advise to just ignore doesn't work.

OP posts:
WardrobeYeti · 30/10/2011 15:34

As hard as it may be (and it is incredibly difficult and heart-pounding to confront someone) you should stop making up excuses to escape and tell her every single time that she's being rude and that you have to go. Then walk away. She's acting all wide-eyed and upset because she knows she can get away with it by acting innocent. It's time to stop being polite and making conversation in the street because she obviously uses it as an opportunity to make you feel like shit. Look her square in the eye and use some of the lines people here have suggested.

Original poster
rmm · 30/10/2011 15:36

Essential I love that one. I've written it down and I'm going to practice!!

Zillion and bang - thank you for your suggestions, I've tried that one and she refuses to believe or even acknowledge she's being rude. She just thinks she's the oracle of everything. She always knows best.

I just find it hard to say things.
She'll say something mean and I get really angry and respond completely childishly, instead of being cool calm and collected. I'll think of great outspend a few hours later and want to kick myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
rmm · 30/10/2011 15:37

Response! Predictive text sori!

OP posts:
Bangtastic · 30/10/2011 15:39

You don't have to come up with a retort, simply get up, put your coat on or open your front door if she is in your home, and tell her you won't tolerate being shouted down by somebody who is supposed to be your friend. Then you leave, or she leaves.

She sounds awful, really feel for you.

HildaOgden · 30/10/2011 15:40

You succeeded,she failed.You're up,she's down.

She wants to bring you down too,because she can't get herself 'up'.

To her,the friendship is no longer equal.

All you can do is leave her to it,it's her issue,not yours.If you can't avoid her,dazzle her with charm.The next time she takes a swipe at you,interrupt her mid flow with 'ooooh,your hair is looking shiny,your teeth are really white...whatever'.'

She absolutely cannot continue making a bitchy remark to someone who has just complimented her without showing herself up badly.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/10/2011 15:44

Is there any way you could record her, and playback when she's in company?

Original poster
rmm · 30/10/2011 15:48

Hilda, I love that! I'm going to try and see if it works!

I know it's a waste of time and energy I really invested in this friendship, I just don't understand why? She's my friend irrespective of how she looks. And I don't understand why it bothers me so much, why can't I just let it go?

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 30/10/2011 15:53

I would simply say to her ' you seem to really have a problem with me since my weight loss and therefor I can only assume you are jealous, is that the problem dear friend?' Call her on it. To hell with games, retorts and tactics. This is one area I wish women would be more like men.

FetchezLaVampire · 30/10/2011 15:58

She's jealous as all hell, and I'm not surprised because you sound pretty bloody fabulous! You've lost all the weight and have an active social life, AND you have the balls to call her on her rudeness. You don't need her!

Original poster
rmm · 30/10/2011 16:00

Perfumed - that's exactly what dh said, why not confront her and be done with it?

I just can't. I'm not good a shouty confrontations. They tend to reduce me to tears and leave me kicking myself for days, about the things I should have said.

The weight loss is old news. Could it really have affected our friendship to this degree? She has new friends I have new friends surely we don't have to resort to high school girl tactics in order to make ourselves feel good?
Fgs we r too old for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
rmm · 30/10/2011 16:04

Fetchez - thank you! You brought tears to my eyes. I lost weight because I was v unhappy about myself. I feel so much better about myself as a result and I can do things with my kids which is so very important to me. I feel happier. I'm a better person. I'm a better friend because I'm not negative ALL the time.
The weight is just one aspect of me. Not the definition of me. How can she not see that?!

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 30/10/2011 16:06

Thi... I just don't understand what I ever did to make her so angry.

You lost the weight and kept it off. She can't look at you without resenting you and hating herself. There is no need for you to have a shouty confrontation, that's her thing. All you have to do is smile, speak slowly and confidently (hell, have a drink first if you need to) and ask her what she is so angry about. Ask her if your weight loss has triggered something in her, because it's the only thing you have done differently in the two years of knowing her.

The weight loss is not old news, not for her, it's the Daily News for her and she lives and breathes it.

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 16:11

Can I just ask you to be brutally honest and tell us - before you lost weight was she the more attractive/confident woman out of the two of you? Did she intend to lose weight alongside you? At what point did she start to get horrible? Can you track it back to when you lost and she gained weight? Would you say that you are now more attractive than she is?

Be honest!