To just not understand her?

[rmm]

Two years ago, just after I had dc2 we met up with a lovely couple. They had much older kids but were so friendly, we got on amazingly well and I counted her among my clostest friends. About a year ago I was closest to her when I decided to self improve, I had put on a lot of weight after dc2 and decided to lose weight and regain some of my self confidence. She was part of this process and I thought she was a supportive friend.

Fast forward to now and all my interactions with her are really really aggressive. She seems to be constantly finding nasty things to say in a really shouty, bullying way, which have reduced me to tears on several occasions. Surprisingly she only behaves this way if the dhs aren't around. If it's a group setting she is as sweet as pie.

I've been deliberately left out of various events etc, that shes organised, and to be honest have gone on and made a new circle of friends so I do understand that maybe this friendship was not as strong as I thought.

But I find myself bracing myself mentally whenever I see her for the next put down/argument.
I'm not really close to her any more but the dhs are, so cutting her out of my life isn't an option, I've tried talking to her, and she acts surprised and hurt that I'm being over sensitive.

So how do I deal with her without coming away with that horrible feeling every time?

Imperial - we lost weight together. We used to be gym buddies, but she was horribly irregular with her workouts and her eating. I used to encourage/push her but I couldn't do it for her.

She likes to believe that she is the expert on everything. I guess I used to defer to her opinion and now Not so much. I understand that the relationship was more dominated by her and now is probably more equal.

She used to be really happy and supportive. She was amazingly complimentary, when I achieved my target loss. She was such a good friend. When lost the weight she was not angry or aggressive. So why now?

I know that with the weight loss I became different. I'm happier. I can run and jump with my kids, i can run with dh, I rediscovered my love for clothes.

The aggression is more recent. It started off with passive aggressive comments on my shopping sprees. And yes I did have a few. But I hadn't bought anything for myself in 2 years and I was so happy to not feel like I had to hide under baggy t shirts I did go a a little nuts and she would say things like your poor dh your going to bankrupt him.

Now it's full hostility. I guess what bothers me is the spill over onto my kids. Shes still nice to them but in a very fake way. But surely if me losing weight was going to bother her this much it would have from the beginning?

The weight I put on was post pregnancy weight and yes it killed my confidence, but I knew I was going to lose the weight.

You asked me for honestly, I really loved this friend, she was like an older sibling to me. I thought she felt the same, she said she did so why the hostility, because i lost weight?! I'm the same person. Just happier.

Geez sorry for the essay.
This has really gotten to me

You said that she is like that to you when you are alone and not when you are with others. From the way you have described her, it's more than possible that she's like that with other women who are therefore in the same boat as you. But you don't notice it because she's always sweetness and light when she's with several people.

Yes, Essential came up with a good retort.

I think she sounds so far in denial that there's no point in asking her about it.

She would probably say that you've changed since you lost weight. (Not defending her, just saying what she'd probably say if you spoke to her.)

I'm so sorry you've lost your friend.

What on earth is there for her to be agressive about during a catch up type conversation?

I don't get it. it's not like you would be talking polictics and religion is it?

Can you post an example of what she says?

Anyway i agree with the others there seems to jealousy there. How odd.

politics* even

She sounds like a family member of mine who has done the same. Unfortunately our Hubby's have daily contact but she was beyond a joke and bullying my daughter all the time that I cut contact.

Sorry to hear about your friend rmm.

This sounds like a classic case of jealousy.

Congrats on your weight loss.

You are not responsible for anyone else's behaviour but your own. She sounds completely toxic. Please practice the standard "I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound so awful" and then walk away with your head held high.

You have obviously achieved so much and should be rightly proud!

For what it's worth - I have two relatives who longer speak to me because I have a degree!! Pity, eh??

OP - "Could it really have affected our friendship to this degree?"

Sadly, things like this do, all the time. People lose weight, get a new job, gain some qualifications, find a new partner, buy a new house etc and sometimes one insecure friend can react badly to that and feel that this persons success is their own failure. It shouldn't happen but it does.

She does sound jealous and spiteful. Is it possible her DP has also noticed your weight loss and perhaps made a comment about it?

You've been given some good comments and comebacks on here and my favourite is the "Did you meant to be so rude" one.

If she comes back at you by saying she wasn't rude, you were being oversensitive just keep repeating "No, you were rude and this isn't the first time. I'd like you to tell me why you are behaving like this."

And whoever it was that suggested she may be doing this to other friends and acquaintances is probably right. So it's worth asking other members of your group if they know why she is being rude to you and if she does it to anyone else. Out her to the group.

And well done on the weight loss.

The others are right - she's jealous. And not very nice. Her sniping about your shopping sprees after you lost the weight (i.e. reaping the rewards) are all about the fact that she can't.

Honestly - leave her to it. And if it spille over onto the children, make the decision on thier behalf to protect them too.

Sorry - I missed out the WELL DONE!

First of all thank you everyone for all your replies.

I have written down my favorite comebacks and taped copies everywhere. They will be my new mantra!

I am going to try very hard not to let her bring me down, becasaue there is so much negativity and emotional drama I just can't deal with it.

Lubey - the aggro comes from no where, a conversation on shopping turns to my spending habits, catching up with friends becomes I'm too busy to bother with old friends. If I ask re her dd who moved out of home, then I'm making her dwell in negativity. I don't remind her to come to the gym with me, I nag her about her eating habits!! It's never the same thing and I never see it coming, I but know it's coming!

I'm going to practise and hopefully conquer that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach!

You said yourself that you are the same person, just happier.

Well she clearly isn't. I agree with everyone who said she is jealous and being particularly spiteful about it. I wouldn't try understanding - a true friend would be proud of you for your achievements and supportive of you, regardless of how it made them feel about themselves.

It's never the same thing and I never see it coming, I but know it's coming!

This is a horrible position to be in and is going to cause you to become incredibly anxious. I'd walk away, I think, if I were you. You've already said you've developed a new circle of friends. I think I'd leave this one behind if you can.

It's horrible when a friendship goes sour. That is what she is,sour. You are probably what she wants to be herself. You are like the butterfly that has emerged!
If she starts with the nastiness,you can try & call her on it. I think her jealousy is eating away at her. Some people just like to have the uper hand in a friendship,whether financially or physically.
I personally would say 'are things ok with you,you seem very stroppy lately. Are you feeling ok? It's clear something is eating at you'. If she turns it on you,simply say 'I'm happy,if you were the friend you say you are,you would be happy for me'.

Upper not uper

I can relate to this.

You fell a little bit in love with her and she seemed to be the perfect best friend. You are grieving his lost friendship. But she is not your friend now and soon she will just be an acquaintance.

It will take a while to change this situation in your heart and all the more difficult because you see and talk to her as much as you still do.

Limit contact and limit talk with her as much as possible and focus on all the other positive people and things in your life.Practise blanking her and avoiding her. In my situation I was just not accustomed to someone being horrible to me as an adult-it brought back memories of having been bullied at school.

It took me about 18 months to get a toxic former friend out of my life and to accept that she was the one with a problem, not me.

Good luck!