giving and taking away of gifts - who IBU?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Just after some opinions here - a long-running difference of approaches from me and MIL!
Often when Mil and Fil come to visit, they very kindly bring presents for the DCs - little books/clothes/Halloween treats. I always make sure the DCs say thank you straight away - sometimes they need prompting, sometimes not (they're 7 and 4). Anyway ILs came to visit over half term, brought some bits and bobs for the kids, then shortly after, I took DD (4) to a party. DH asked her to say goodbye nicely to Mil and Fil and to say thank you again for the presents. So, DD takes it upon herself to be silly - refusing to say goodbye/thank you. This is an area we're working on with her ATM. Anyway, Mil and Fil dive straight in with "Well, DD, if you won't say goodbye and thank you nicely, we'll take the presents and treats back with us, cos only nice children get treats." DD then gets backed into the metaphorical corner and the ILs repeat. In the end, I bet DD she couldn't say goodbye and thanks (again) before I got to 5, so she did it to win . My opinion is that a gift is a gift, not to be used as a threat. I don't want DD to feel she only has to be polite in order to get/keep a reward. I want her to do it cos it's the right thing to do. And she had already said thank you. Mil and Fil, however will take their approach with everything. If the DCs won't kiss or hug goodbye, they'l threaten to take pressies back home, so the DCs do kiss just to keep their pressies, not because they want to IYSWIM. I don't like this - that's my gut feeling, but AIBU or are they? TIA [hsmile]

No, I don't make a thing of it - I'd be wound like a coiled spring if I let all of their idiosyncrasies (sp) bother me! I wonder if it's a generational thing, too, perhaps?

Did she actually thank them? If she did then I think they are pushing the matter too far.

PinterestQueen yep, I always make sure both DCs say thank you straightaway. DH probably could have done without asking DD to say thank you again, but there you go!

sorry but why was she being asked to say thank you a second time? and then being threatened to get the presents removed if she didn't? she had already said thank you!!

[hshock] @Zukiecat poor DD2, that's terribly harsh!

That would piss me off - not sure I can even explain why, but "just because" somehow, it would annoy me. I'd probably be the one saying "ok then, there you are" and handing over a bag with every last thing in it, even down to wrappers and or half chewed/semi-sucked sweets. (can you tell my MiLs sweetie providing habits are a bitof a sore point chez pombears just now? and therein lies a whole other thread one day!)

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo, well DH scored an own goal by just going on autopilot and telling DD to say thank you and goodbye. I pointed out that she'd already said thank you, but by then the ILs were already on a roll. But the crux is that the presents are always threatened with removal if certain behaviours aren't met. IMO this just pushes my rather headstrong DD into a corner. DS, the older one, is more savvy and will play along, but he's said before that he doesn't think it's fair of Mil and Fil to say they'll take back a gift they've given. I feel uncomfortable with them being "good" (in Mil's eyes) just to achieve an end result. I want the DCs to behave in a certain way cos they understand that's the "right" way to be.

PomBear

he certainly did!

but yes i get that this is part of a bigger issue. you ILs sound like my mum, and unfortunately i think it will be a case of handling them rather than getting them to change. i have talked to my mum a few times about why i dont do things that way and taht i would appreciate if she respected it but she thinks she is right and continues to do it, just in rather more sneaky ways thinking she is getting round my 'rule'. i really should have it out with her, (am actually putting off going there this evening for this very reason)but i dont think it will have an positive effect. she thinks she is right.

Very OTT then.

I do like my DC to say goodbye properly (kiss for Nanny etc) but if they refused I wouldn't like previously given gifts to be used as bribery.

I think that there's always a lot of anxiety around people who are stressy about manners in the way your PIL are, and this is just the sort of anxiety that some DCs pick up on and play up to. I don't think it is fair to threaten to take presents away like this. I also don't think that child-centred, sensitive people demand kisses and hugs.

I think I would have spoken up on your DDs behalf to say that she had already said thankyou.

Apart from that, it's hard to know what to suggest. I want to say that if the PILS threaten things, let them carry it through without saying anything and joining in with the stress (my guess would be that they wouldn't carry through). But if they did try to carry it through you'd then have to decide to stand up against it.

Your DH made them say thanks again precisely because he knows it's a big issue with them. Ask him not to make a bug to-do about it, and try not to yourself, and then they are more likely to be relaxed and not act silly. My DS1 used to behave perversely when adults were stressed about things

big to-do

Come on... I dont know a parent who has never threatened to take back xmas presents or other presents when a child has misbehaved. Mine certainly did. My friends parents did.. (and I know of a few who carried it through as well).. and my own stepchildren have used the threat as a warning to their own children.

Slightly different but along the same lines: I have found that my mum uses food as a bribe (eg if you do this then you can have an ice cream) - I think we all find ourselves doing this occasionally, but with her it happens all the time and it drives me mad. Like you, I would like my children to behave well because they know it is the right thing to do, not because they have been bribed. (I also think it is sending the wrong message about food, ie eat when you 'deserve' it rather than when you are hungry.) I have mentioned it to her and she always agrees that I am right (unlike HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo's mum), but it must be so deeply ingrained that she can't seem to stop!

So maybe it is a generational thing.

It is usually harder to have that conversation with your ILs than your mum, maybe your DH could do it? With ILs it is often a case of 'is this battle worth fighting?', but IMO this one might be as it does sound important to you. When your reasoning is explained to them, they might even agree with you??

I'd actually be inclined to ask MIL and FIL not to bring presents at all. I'd suggest to them that by making the presents dependent on a show of affection (my reading of "saying goodbye nicely") they are making a rod for their own backs; and you don't want your children to grow up expecting presents for each show of affection.

My mother does this. It's horrible. What on earth is the point of getting into a stand off with a 4 year old about saying thanks when she already had?

YANBU to be pissed off about it.

I think I might say (hopefully just once would be necessary!) to the children, 'don't worry kids, those presents are yours, they were given to you, presents don't get taken away again, that's not how it works', with a hard stare at the PILs if needed. That would hopefully stop the threats!

Presents shouldn't be conditional, and certainly one thank you is enough. Mine would often want to say thank you more than once, but def not if forced, then we'd just be into a battle of wills which makes giving and receiving a present no fun for any of them presumably.

Yes, once a present is gven, it belongs to the recipient. I suggest that the next time your children are given gifts by their grandparents, they go and put them in their rooms in a hiding place until the grandparents have left. The young ones can 'have forgotten' where they put them.

One of my pet hates is young children being forced to kiss or hug grown ups. I have a DD who is not naturally a hugely tactile person. She will not hug or kiss amy people voluntarily, unless she knows them extremely well and even at that it very much depends on her mood. She always kisses and hugs me and her brothers, nearly always does with DH, more often than not with my parents, and sometimes with ILs. Very rarely with anyone else. These are her boundaries and I insist that they are respected. I would not tolerate anyone forcing her into physical cotact she is uncomforatable with. When she does hug and kiss it is genuine. So before we leave I say 'Say goodbye to x', may be suggesta hug but drop it immediatly if she is not interested.
DS is the total opposite he will kiss anyone, but I would apply the exact same rule if anytime he didn't fancy kissing some grown up because they wanted him to.