giving and taking away of gifts - who IBU?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Just after some opinions here - a long-running difference of approaches from me and MIL!
Often when Mil and Fil come to visit, they very kindly bring presents for the DCs - little books/clothes/Halloween treats. I always make sure the DCs say thank you straight away - sometimes they need prompting, sometimes not (they're 7 and 4). Anyway ILs came to visit over half term, brought some bits and bobs for the kids, then shortly after, I took DD (4) to a party. DH asked her to say goodbye nicely to Mil and Fil and to say thank you again for the presents. So, DD takes it upon herself to be silly - refusing to say goodbye/thank you. This is an area we're working on with her ATM. Anyway, Mil and Fil dive straight in with "Well, DD, if you won't say goodbye and thank you nicely, we'll take the presents and treats back with us, cos only nice children get treats." DD then gets backed into the metaphorical corner and the ILs repeat. In the end, I bet DD she couldn't say goodbye and thanks (again) before I got to 5, so she did it to win . My opinion is that a gift is a gift, not to be used as a threat. I don't want DD to feel she only has to be polite in order to get/keep a reward. I want her to do it cos it's the right thing to do. And she had already said thank you. Mil and Fil, however will take their approach with everything. If the DCs won't kiss or hug goodbye, they'l threaten to take pressies back home, so the DCs do kiss just to keep their pressies, not because they want to IYSWIM. I don't like this - that's my gut feeling, but AIBU or are they? TIA [hsmile]

My ILs are like this. You have to be very quick about breezily saying, 'Oh, you've already said thank you beautifully, haven't you DD?', before it turns into a stand-off. Doesn't help that my MIL is deaf as a post (but won't admit it) so never hears them saying thank you anyway...

My MIL was like this. In fact she behaved like an unreasonable child over everything, moving the goalposts, playing mindgames.

The result is that none of the grandchildren have any respect for her, never wanted to spend time with her once they were old enough to make a choice.

3littlefrogs - that's an excellent point. The children will end up being irritated by or mistrusting their GC. I know which of my relatives I preferred as a child - the laid-back ones

GP, not GC

Gifts with conditions aren't gifts, they're bribes. YASNBU

And this is a bit off topic but I think it's important. I have read a lot of threads on here where people have said that they will not force their children to be physically affectionate with people unless they want to and I think that's a massively important change in the way I was parented because I think it's a really important step in cutting down on child abuse.

Avon - I'm not for one moment suggesting that your ILs are abusive but I do know that my being told that I had to kiss/cuddle X/Y/Z was a big factor in my feeling unable to say no to unwelcome advances from 'trusted' adults.

If she had thanked them at the time I would never have asked her to do it again when they went. I would avoid it in future. Same with kissing and hugging-I remember hating it as a DC and much preferred the relations who didn't expect it and was much closer to them.
If you know it is a problem avoid the sort of confrontational position that they might get into.

What a lovely post lifechanger :)

that is very true lifechanger.

zukiecat

OP YANBU. I understand what the gp's were trying to do; I think that in their hearts they were trying (in a roundabout way) to back you up and show a united front. It was misplaced though.

sorry for disappearing - back now. Thank you so much everyone for your replies. So many good points made. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by suggesting it was perhaps a generational thing - didn't mean to at all [hsmile]!
CristinaaarghdellAaarghPizza you have not upset me, don't worry! I have stepped in before with Fil when he's been insisting that DD and DS kiss and hug goodbye. As I said before, DS will fairly happily do so, but DD not. I've had to say pick DD up and say that she doesn't want to and tell her that it's fine not to want to. As another poster said, the DCs do pick up on the stress - they very rarely have to be reminded to thank my parents and are very tactile with them and I think it's no coincidence that my DM and DF are much more laid-back and easy-going with the DCs.

CristinaaarghdellAaarghPizza you've just posted exactly what I was going to say.

The issue with the presents is debatable. Who hasn't bribed or threatened kids with the removal of presents every now and again?

But I completely agree with Cristina that forcing children to give kisses and hugs when they don't want to is a big violation of boundaries imo.

I'd be much more pissed off about that than the gift thing.

madonna that's what I was trying to ascertain about threatening/bribing - I guess many people do it, as you say every now and again, but with Mil and Fil it seems to be the default setting. I'm all over the kisses and hugs, so to speak, and I'd never stand by and let either of the DCs be made to show any physical affection that they didn't want to. It's quite weird, though, cos both ILs are quite cold and not very tactile. It's almost as if they have a set script of "good manners" that must be adhered to.

In that situation (and my own ils have similarities to yours) I would step in very breezily and whisk dd away. (I have a 4 year old girl myself). I would wave cheerily to all concerned on my way out, and say nice and clearly something like "let's wave bye bye to granny and grandad now. You have already said thank you very politely and you love your new toy don't you?"

If dd doesn't wave or whatever then ignore it and just wave and smile yourself.

Then exit the room/house. I create a mini diversion like this wheneven fil starts trying to be all "man of the house" or "top adult in charge" whether at our home or his. I hate it myself when he tries to hug me. It is all so false and of course dcs pick up on the tension as much as us. He is bad tempered and intolerant generally, so why he thinks I would suddenly desire to hug and kiss him is beyond me!