To not think this is a nice surprise?

[Magneto]

As you may or may not have seen recently I have had a couple of rants about dh and his job and ds's refusal to eat leading to disrupted sleep. Well this morning dh has IMO made a huge error of judgement (although I accept the lack of sleep is probably clouding mine).

Yesterday dh was due to finish worth around midday. 4pm came, still no dh so I called him and he said he would be a couple of hours. I got upset at him because it would mean all he would do when he got home would be eat then go to bed ready for his 5am start this morning so I would not get a break.

I went to bed and set the alarm for dh. Dh came to bed later (dont know when). Ds woke at 2am, 2.45am, 3.10 am, at which point I ended up getting in the cot with him (it's a got bed and I'm not that big, I just can't stretch my legs! Ds can't come in our bed because he would escape) I can't see the clock in ds's room so I didn't know how much time had passed but I spent the night getting increasingly worried that I hadn't heard dh get up and that he would be late for work. Ds ds eventually go to sleep but decided pulling my hair and random parts of my face as I pretended to be asleep was more fun. However he was quiet and not screaming so I putup with it.

At 7am, I got up with ds and found dh still in bed. I woke him up as he should have been in work by then and he told me he had the day off. I asked since when and he said 5pm yesterday! So I asked why he didn't tell me and he said he thought it would be a nice surprise.

Now hear is why it was not a nice surprise and why I'm so upset:

1. Dh could have got up in the night to settle ds and I could have slept for once. I always do all the night stuff even when I'm in work the next day because dh does not function when he's tired, dh is always in work the next day so I never get a night off.
2. Ds's sleeping is getting worse and I am getting more exhausted. When ds was tiny I wasn't in work so I could sleep when he slept, now I can't. We both know ds responds better when dh resettles him anyway (because he thinks I'm a soft touch apparently).
3. I could have arranged to do some overtime today at double time. It's now too late to do this.
4. I have been waiting for dh and I to have a day off together so we can go to some shops I can't normally get to as I don't drive. As I didn't know we would have today off there is tonnes of stuff needs doing in the house so we can't go. I could have done everything last night had I known.

I am just so upset that he thought it was ok to essentially get a lie in when he knows how tired I am and then expected me to be happy about it. I expect I am being unreasonable but I am going to blame the exhaustion.

I can see why you're a bit annoyed. But why don't you go back to bed for a bit and then sack off the housework and do something nice as a family today? Doesn't sound like either of you are having much fun at the moment andyou could do with some, for all your sakes.

Oof too long

does your dh actually hear ds or do you go to him so quickly that he doesn't?

I am a very deep sleeper and never heard any of my kids in the night (even when the crib was next to my side of the bed and therefore at my ear!)

Agree with Plantsitter- go back to bed for a bit, then leave the house stuff and do the shopping and spend time together afterwards.

YABU because if you are as tired as you say how will going to work help? Send dh off with ds for a bit & catch up on some sleep!!!!

YEs go to bed. And STOP setting your DHs alarm and "worrying he wont get up" He's a grown man and that's HIS job...he's not your child....

He only hears ds once ds is completely hysterical, unless I wake him before that point, then by the time he's woken up enough to understand and act on what I'm telling him ds is often hysterical by then anyway so I just do it. I am a very light sleeper so if ds is crying I simply cannot sleep. I can forgive dh this normally because for the last 6 months ds would only really wake because he had dropped his dummy/got stuck in the blankets etc. Now he wakes because he's hungry and is finding it difficult to sleep again.

I have too much to do to go back to bed or leave it. I need to stop being annoyed at him or the whole day will be ruined. So I'm eating chocolate for breakfast.

You say that dh doesn't cope well with lack of sleep, but you need it just as much as he does. I think your dh is taking you for granted a little bit here. When you were not working, then it was fair enough to do most of the night waking (even then, you shouldn't have been doing all of it), but now you are working too, the night waking has to be shared out more fairly. I think you are letting your dh get away with doing too little.

I think you should go back to bed for a few hours and let him take some of the responsibility. Before you go, ask him to get on with some of the more pressing jobs in the house.

This afternoon, go and do your shopping and make time for a proper conversation with dh about him not springing these sorts of 'surprises' on you, because you can plan better if you know what's happening and also about sharing the work with ds more fairly.

Your dh doesn't know how tired you are, because he is not feeling it himself. i think a dose of reality will stop him blundering through life like a child and make him consider things from your pov. He won't understand the reality of being bone tired until he gets to feel it for himself, so stop sheltering him and let him face up to the reality of having a non sleeping child and a wife with a job. He is not more important than you - the jobs should be shared.

YANBU. If my DH does stuff like this it drives me mad. It stops you making the most of the situation and you don't benefit from a potential rare night off. The advice is right though. Make your displeasure known then move on and enjoy the day together. Good luck and I hope you have a lovely day.

Right then I'm going to bed, ds is fed, watered and changed so all dh has to do is entertain him. I'll catch up with you all later, thanks for understanding!

And stop parenting DH!

how old is the kid

i think thats the main issue here. if you can sort out the sleeping nonsense, you will feel rested and be able to cope better with everything else

He is 15 months old, he won't eat properly anymore so he's waking up hungry then refusing to go back to sleep.

I am so fucking miserable, today has been awful. In the end I had to beg dh to take ds out because I couldn't get to sleep while ds was grizzling downstairs (because he was tired having not slept properly). Dh did take him out but for 6 hours without telling me where he'd gone and with no way of contacting him. I have now missed pretty much all of my last day off with ds for the week.

I know it's all my fault and I'm ashamed that I threw a huge tantrum because dh said that ds was upset because of me (he wanted me to open a banana but it was Indios so wouldn't open fast enough cue tantrum from ds). I told dh that if he's so great at parenting why doesn't he do it all himself and stormed off to cry upstairs, where I am now.

On top of all this my mum is kicking off at me again (long boring different story buries an ongoing thing, I should really join the stately homes thread) and normally it would be dh who would I could rely on for support but he's not talking to me after my behaviour today. I don't blame him.

I didn't see this thread this morning, sorry to see the day didn't go well.

I'm a bit concerned you say this is all your fault - I don't think it is; you are utterly exhausted and upset. I'm guessing your self esteem is pretty low? :(

Good heavens wee one. You need some sleep. Your DH needs to step up to the plate and actually do some parenting and stop being so bloody critical of yours.

If he'd pulled that on me I would have been livid, absolutely livid. It is not a nice surprise - yesterday at 5pm it may have been a nice surprise but not the next day... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sorry about your Mother too :(

Magneto, I don't really think this is entirely your fault, so don't take all the blame on yourself.

Your dh, should be sharing the night time work with ds. If he was pulling his weight then you wouldn't be so tired. Exhaustion is at the root of your problems and dh has conveniently continued to enjoy his rest while you bear the brunt of ds not sleeping.

Dh chose to be gone for 6 hours and not tell you where he was/when he would be back. He could have come back sooner, so it is his fault too that the last day was lost.

He also chose to not tell you he had a day off and continue to have a lie in, when you've not had any rest for days. That's selfish.

Babies have tantrums. It's not your fault and being very tired and not getting any help would make even the most reasonable person irritable.

I think the thing with bending over backwards and constantly trying to make a spouse (or kids or parents etc) happy at the expense of your own wellbeing, leads to a situation where they take everything you do for granted and come to expect it as their due. Meanwhile, you get to a point where you can't cope with everything all alone, have a big row and they don't see what the problem is because they've been living totally oblivious to your sacrifices.

It's good to do your best by your partner, but you have to tread the fine line of being a good spouse and letting them take you for granted.

I think you need to draw a line under today, make a decision to split things more fairly and have a proper talk to your dh about how you are feeling. If you said things in anger that were wrong, then apologise for saying them, but try to think objectively about where you were right and where you were young and go from there in finding a future solution.

Can you get some advice from hv or doctor regarding your baby's eating habits. You could let him graze all day on healthy food, so he is full at bedtime (I do this with dd who hates big meals and will ignore them), give him lots of milk, which is filling (maybe a formula for hungrier babies last thing at night?).

Young, should say wrong.

Your behaviour ? Sorry but I think he is a selfish twat. He didnt tell you about his day off as he knew he would have to do something with DS if you ahd known about it. So he gets his lovely non stop sleep and lie in. All in the guise of a surpirse for you

Then to take DS out for so long without you knowing where he was and uncontactable.. was this also supposed to benefit you ? The blaming you for 'upsetting' DS is simply not on.

I think there is much more going on here and he has got you blaming yourself

You poor thing Magneto.You're too tired to see straight at the moment.15 month old's are difficult at the best of times.I know,I had one 36 years ago and now she has one.Your DH. sounds well intentioned if stupid so when you've stopped sobbing, wash your face go downstairs and try to explain exactly why you're so distrought.Have a group hug,cup of whatever and don't even think about your mum.Do whatever it takes to get little one to sleep, then try to get as much rest as you can by letting DH do the night time stuff. Mx.

Self esteem is non existent at the moment I think. Nothing I do for ds is right, I've just put him in the bath and he's hysterical again. Everything I do for him results in him crying. He won't eat he won't sleep, I can't be there all day for him to try and get him into a good routine or anything because I have to work. I can't do anything in the house because ds cries if I leave him/put him down/start doing something he cat help with like cooking. I try to distract him butno, he wants to do exactly what I an doing.

Mil says he has too many toys, that he is too clingy and wants to be carried all the time and that I am cruel because I wont cut his hair.

My mum says he has too much of a temper on him (he probably gets that from me), that I have to nip it in the bud, but at the same time won't leave him to nap on his own when she looks after him and literally let's him do whatever he wants (and trashes the house at the same time).

Everyone else knows how to parent better than me.

Magneto, you poor thing. No advice but a .