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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's ok not to want anymore kids

27 replies

professorsnape · 29/10/2011 22:27

I have 3 DC, am delighted with them! DD is 4 and my identical twin boys are 15 months:)

Busy few years but am really enjoying it!

On more than on occasion family, work colleagues and friends have asked if I would have any more children. I am definite that our family is 'done', me and DH have discussed this.

When I said this, I got a 'oh' kind of answer or else a 'well you might change your mind in a few years'. My mother seemed a bit surprised when I told her, I was made feel it was a negative thing to not want to have more children. Hmm

Maybe because of my age (36, hardly a spring chicken, but anyway...) people sort of assume I'd have more.

Is 3 not a big family?

In my heart, I feel so lucky, thrilled and happy with my 3 children.

And on a pratical note, me and DH are happy to have a bit of normality after the hectic first year of twins and are looking forward to the school years and going on fmaily holidays and if I'm honest, am happy being out of the baby stage.

Why does it not feel ok to say this and be honest? Why do people assume that you might want to change your mind? Anyone else get this reaction?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2011 22:32

I like the standard MN comment of, "I'm sure you didn't mean for that to be as rude as it sounded"....

Why not just be enigmatic and not answer? It's nobody's business really, is it?

hellhasnofury · 29/10/2011 22:33

I've got two children but I don't think I ever met with that reaction. I don't think 3 is a big family though, 5 is getting toward big but not 3.

AgentZigzag · 29/10/2011 22:40

They're just saying you don't know how you'll feel in a few years, which is true isn't it?

People do change their minds.

Your mum must love having GC and could be sad at the thought of no more, she's not telling you what to do but just voicing it from her POV.

It's also just something people say which isn't normally taken seriously, it being none of anyone elses business.

wherearemysocka · 29/10/2011 22:44

You've got to love it, haven't you? You don't want children - oooh you'll change your mind... You have one/two/three children and say that's fine, enough for me - still it's 'oooh, you'll change your mind'. Is there anyone out there who makes a decision and sticks to it? Do what is best for you and your family. Everyone else should keep their noses out.

Original poster
professorsnape · 29/10/2011 22:47

True enough Agentzigzag althought there are 19 GC on our side of the family (as I come from a family of 7) with plenty more to come I'd say, so am not sure my mother thinks that exactly.

Maybe because she had 7 kids herself.

I LOVED growing up in a big family but I feel I want to give my 3 kids more time.

And (not to sound boring) financially we want to be ok too :)

Are these not good reasons to not have anymore kids?

Is planning not to have any more kids as important as planning to have kids?!

OP posts:
TickettyBoo · 29/10/2011 22:55

Course YANBU, it's not a competition to have as many children as possible and no-one should have to justify having no children, 1 child, 2 children etc...., you need to do what's right for you and it's no-one elses business!!

Avenged · 29/10/2011 23:01

YANBU and you aren't alone OP. I decided to stop at 2 because I just didn't want to be bothered anymore with the sleepless nights/dirty nappies and all that, so I got sterilised at 30yo. I was made to feel like that was the 'wrong' decision, but I realise that it was wrong in other people's opinion, not mine or DH's.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 29/10/2011 23:03

Ah, people are strange. I'd have thought you'd be OK though, as you have a child of each gender.

I have two boys.

Sometimes I feel like I need a t-shirt with "No, we will not be trying for a girl" written on it to save time.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 23:05

I have two boys, I'd never just have had one that would'nt be fair to have an only child, I'd never have had three cos I come from three and I saw how rejected my brother was being the middle child, four for me would be too many, plus Im not a mumsie mum. Im more of a have them and go to work mum cos just being a mum was never enough for me, plus I was never supposed to have any children.

ILoveDolly · 29/10/2011 23:06

People are weird. It's your choice. I would have thought stopping at 3 was fine. 3 is plenty?!!?

TheSecondComing · 29/10/2011 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 29/10/2011 23:11

Where do you live where people harass you about expanding your family after three young children?! Weird.

Original poster
professorsnape · 29/10/2011 23:12

so true avenged

my sister, who also has identical twins, just discovered she's pregnant with one child this time and my uncle was saying 'ah that's a pity it wasn't twins'

she felt like asking him to come around 6 times in the middle of the night to feed them if he was so disappointed!!! Grin

I know my friend who has 3 boys got the 'oh you must have been gutted to find it was a third boy' comments fabbychic. how insulting!!!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 29/10/2011 23:14

Your mum maybe thought the same when she had three OP Grin

PumpkinSizedEmmaRoyd · 29/10/2011 23:14

I think it's just something to say. It's like.. so when are you two going to move in together.. get engaged.. married..pregnant..

then (the minute you pop out no1) when are you going to try for number 2? so when are you having number 3?

I think if you had ten you'd always have a relative asking when number 11 was going to come along

Original poster
professorsnape · 29/10/2011 23:15

catholic ireland , Dublin proudscary Grin

Good for you secondcoming, am amazed that you can have such a strong urge to hae a big family.

Of course it would be lovely and I would get on with it but am sticking to my guns about 3 :)

OP posts:
Moblem · 29/10/2011 23:18

Can't say I've ever had that myself, Although it is probably because when I'm asked if ever I'd like a 3rd child / boy my 'hell no' reply tends to be a little over emphatic Blush.

AgentZigzag · 29/10/2011 23:20

'and my uncle was saying 'ah that's a pity it wasn't twins''

That's such a lovely thing to say.

People

Love

Babies

Smile

If you can't have any more of your own, the next best thing is to hint at those closest to you to have them Grin

It's far better than getting a 'face drop' when you announce your pregnancy like my MILs did

MistyB · 29/10/2011 23:26

Sounds like the innate ability Irish people have to find something wrong with whatever you decide / say / choose etc. (I'm Irish!)

Your Mum probably wants you to show your approval of her choices by mirroring them, even if she complains about their negative effects.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 29/10/2011 23:54

YANBU However, you do realise that if you had said you were planning on having more someone would have asked you why wasn't 3 enough.

TheSecondComing · 30/10/2011 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justwatching · 30/10/2011 00:25

It's just goss though, isn't it? I mean, people - OK, not your mother perhaps - don't really care. I ask people because it's fun to ask them and to anticipate change in their lives. As for myself, I've got 3 and am soooo done. Also, I'm happy to say as much. It's obvious my children - the ones I have decided to have and am grateful for - are my life.

CheshireDing · 30/10/2011 00:26

Our PFB is only 3 weeks old and my Gran said the other day "ooh will you be trying for a boy?". It annoyed me as (a) our baby girl is only 3 weeks old, give us a chance to enjoy her and (b) if we did have another it would be whatever sex it turned out to be, we wouldn't be having it because it was a boy.

Still annoys me now!

Soups · 30/10/2011 00:39

Of course YABU, you must have more and more children.

A1980 · 30/10/2011 00:48

In this day and age, when the worlds population is getting out of control, 3 is more than enough. That's a really weird attitude. Most people I know want one of each and that's it. How many do they think you should have six?

Tell them to mind their own!