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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want my dps sister and her husband to come and stay?

32 replies

Iodine · 29/10/2011 21:19

Before I get flamed he has a sister and two brothers. I have had one of the brothers to stay a few times and have driven him to the airport and picked him up again (had come up from the depths of the south west because it was cheap to fly from the airport near me) and if the other and his wife wanted to come and stay I would welcome them with open arms because they have always been very friendly to me.

His sister came to stay a few months ago but only because she had a work conference nearby and work wouldn't pay for her to stay in a hotel. I was working away from home that week and came back on the Friday evening. We had arranged to meet up with some of my DPs friends (so he could introduce them to his sister) for a meal and the sister had been talking about it all day. They were out having drinks when I arrived home so I made arrangements to join them and all of a sudden she started talking about how tired she was (it was 7pm and I had no sympathy for her having just spent 3 hours battling the traffic on the m25!). So she made a massive fuss, insisted on walking home alone and spent the night on her own whilst we were out eating a meal and being sociable. The night before my dp had arranged to take her out for a trial of the hobby he does in his spare time but she had also cancelled and spent the night alone in my house.

This isn't the only time she has cancelled. Whenever we go to visit my dps parents (she lives nearby) she cancels coming to see us or having dinner at the parent's house. We even had a situation where dps mum and dad were taking the sister and husband out for a meal and we happened to be coming down so we were invited along too. As soon as dp's sister found out she cancelled saying she was "ill".

My DP is a dr and he has commented before how much of a hyperchondriac she is and how she will only get in contact with him when she has a question about her various cancers, Cushings syndrome and diabetes that she is always diagnosing herself with.

This woman has never shown me any warmth. I have been kind and open to her and feel like I have been treated badly in return. We already have plans for next weekend and she has texted to ask if her husband and her can come and stay a week in advance (is it cynical of me to think she must have something going on up here and wants free accommodation?). Our plans mean that we would have to leave them at home in our house for Saturday night and the whole of Sunday day.

Before I get flamed I would like to reiterate that I would have no problem with his other 2 siblings coming to stay who have actually made an effort with us!

AIBU to not want her coming to stay at such short notice when we already have plans?

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 29/10/2011 21:21

No.

What are you going to do?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 29/10/2011 21:22

It's your home, and it's up to you who comes in. If your DP wants them to come and stay you need to discuss it and decide what to do, but if he doesn't care or just wants you to be happy/is willing to let you decide then tell her it's not convienient. Life is too short to worry about the feelings of people who don't give a damn about you.

ToothbrushThief · 29/10/2011 21:23

I'd say next week isn't possible but 'pick another weekend' and you'd love to have her?

zingzillachinchilla · 29/10/2011 21:23

YABU. What does DP say?

zingzillachinchilla · 29/10/2011 21:24

Sorry - YANBU- typing too fast here!!

plupervert · 29/10/2011 21:24

Well, surely you continue with the plans, and let her cancel as usual! Tell your DP that, and let him convey that to her. Grin

PorkChopSter · 29/10/2011 21:27

Carry on as you were, she's bound to cancel Grin

Iodine · 29/10/2011 21:29

DP agrees that our plans means that it isn't really possible to take his sister and her husband along with us and he appreciates that she only gets in contact when something's going to benefit her. But he does also say that she is his sister and wants me to understand.

Last christmas we were in the south west visiting their parents. She cancelled twice plans that their parents had made to get everyone together. We ended up going to see her and when we got there she hadn't made any effort (sat there in a tracksuit, unbrushed hair and she's only 25 so very strange) and made us feel very unwelcome. She even said that she wasn't going to bother going to see her parents for Christmas (they live 15 mins away, we had driven for 6 hours to get there!). All very strange.

OP posts:
Iodine · 29/10/2011 21:30

And I'm not too sure that she will cancel. She's obviously got something on that she wants to go to up here! Or they want to use my house as a weekend away!

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 29/10/2011 21:31

Too long for me, sorry.

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 21:33

Porkchop you too the words right out of my keyboard Grin

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 21:33

And you obviously took the letter 'k' too Angry Blush

BoysRusxxx · 29/10/2011 21:33

I know its not your problem but would she be suffering from anxiety/health anxiety? I went through this last year and it was a horrible time for me. I would often make plans with friends and cancel at the last minute due to panic attacks.

Sometimes i would go out and once i was out i would panic and just want to come back home again. Im over it now but it sounds very like what she is doing especially that you mention dp saying she was a hypochondriac.

Iodine · 29/10/2011 21:35

Bibbity- No worries, its very long. My typing has been fuelled by wine and I wanted to get the whole story out instead of drip-feeding. It could've been worse, I could've done a "netmums" and not put in any paragraphs!

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Iodine · 29/10/2011 21:38

BoysRusxxx- There is definately something going on. The last time she spoke to DP before sending the text asking to stay over she was suspicious of steroids being prescribed for her sinus infection and asked if they were safe. She then wanted to know about the 1/20 people who experience suicidal thoughts on the medication she had been given (obviously had been reading the patient literature with it) and wanted to know what she should do when that happened. Not if it happened. When.

I'm not too convinced it's panic attacks or anxiety though. She is perfectly happy to do the things that give her something e.g. accommodation for conference.

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SugarPasteZombie · 29/10/2011 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iodine · 29/10/2011 21:46

SugarPasteZombie- I have said that to him but he feels guilty about turning her away! It's my hope that by saying come another weekend she will forget and not come at all.

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ballstoit · 29/10/2011 21:51

YANBU. Of course, you'd love for them to come and stay, but are not free enough to spend lots of lovely time with them next weekend. Lets get our diaries together and find a weekend that we're all free. SmileSmileSmile

MamaChoo · 29/10/2011 21:53

My sister does this- gets attention by not attending family stuff everyone else has made an effort to get to, cancelling at last minute, just not turning up without explanation. If its not convenient just say no because if you change plans to accommodate her there is at least a 85% chance she won't turn up.

SugarPasteZombie · 29/10/2011 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 21:55

I'd have to say it is not convenient, clearly she is using your home as a base to save on costs elsewhere.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 29/10/2011 22:02

YANBU If your SIL is being rude to you then your DH needs to pull her up on her behaviour not just expect you to understand.

Iodine · 29/10/2011 22:07

ChaoticAngelofSamhain- Unfortunately he won't pull her up on it. It's not my place to do it either. She isn't my SIL just sister of my DP.

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serin · 29/10/2011 22:10

YANBU, You have made plans, she cannot expect you tpo drop everything for her.

However I do think you should try and build some bridges with her in the interests of family harmony.

Iodine · 29/10/2011 22:12

Serin- We have tried to build bridges but she has done nothing. I'm of the school of thought that you can only do so much, even if they are family. If she's not interested in getting to know us, she's just not interested.

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