To be royally pissed off with Dd's so called friends and their bloody mothers?

[LoulouCapone]

I'll try to keep it brief, but my patience is wearing thin!

We've lived in this house since Dd was two. The little girl next door is the same age. So obviously they are very close. They've always had similar interests and never ever fallen out. They're both very laid back, Which helps.

Since they've been at senior school they've both developed new friendships, some are with the same people, some not. They still spend a lot of their time outside school together though.

Anyway, one girl has taken a complete dislike to my Dd but a real shine to friend. Fine. I have always told Dd that not everyone will like you and you won't like everyone, just be respectful and polite and get on with your day. Unfortunately this girl is just plain nasty, and the Mum seems completely blind to it.

Incidents include - reducing Dd to tears on her birthday by ignoring, and encouraging 3 other girls to ignore her while they were at school and on the way home. Because, in her words, she didn't like that dd and her friends were talking about what they would do at her sleepover. Incidentally she was invited but doesn't 'do' sleepovers.

I did call the Mum on this occasion because it was extreme in my opinion, and the girl was made to apologise.

Calling friend to invite out, friend says can't because Loulou-Dd is here. To which she said 'can't she go home, she only lives next door?!'. Her mum was heard shouting in the background while girl sulked 'is that Loulou-Dd again, thinking the world revolves around her?' This example has actually happened more than once.

There are other examples, but I won't go on more ! Basically one of the big issues, and the reason my Dd is out of favour is because she has rules and boundaries. She has a set amount of pocket money, which she has to budget all her monthly activities with. Once it's gone it's gone. The girl is fond of shopping trips for no reason. These trips cost about £15 once travel and lunch are factored in, which IMO is a waste of money if you have no need to shop. She also likes to do activities like ice skating or swimming, but at 7 pm! So they only get an hour before they close, whereas I try to encourage Dd to do them at the weekend or during the day as better value for money. The girl doesn't have sensible curfews IMO! she's allowed out until 9 (they're 12) then travels home alone... Maybe 3/4 mile. Dd does have a curfew, I don't let her have my debit card to go shopping, she does chores, and has to spend time revising and doing homework. All very boring! Unfortunately mum next door tries to enforce rules, but the Dc's just play her up until she gives in. Also mums new partner is quite well off and seems to be trying to buy them, so no money issues.

So, fast forward to today. Mum next door asks if her Dd can stay with us so she can go away for her b'day. No problem. She'll bring her Dd over when they've finished an activity this Am, probably about 11. Next door Mum knocks at 11 to say her Dd is with the girl still at activity, girls Mum will drop off at lunchtime. Ok. We were still having baths and tidying, so no problem. But AIBU to think that actually she should have been made to come back?

It's now 3, and she still isn't here. Dd didn't make any plans because she was expecting her friend. What a waste of a day for her. AIBU to think its poor form for the girls mum to be seemingly encouraging it, and not sticking to the lunchtime drop off?

I really try not to interfere because I do think it's better for them to find their own way, but bloody grrrrrr!! Unfortunately because we live next door it's hard to get away from the friend, and in turn the girl. So how do I handle things today and going forward?

Sorry this has been epic but I wanted to put it in context and not drip feed.

Molly I stayed home because we didn't know what was going on! I didn't have any plans to go out anyway, it was Dd really. - she turned down to other invites for today. I just felt that if we'd done something to retaliate it makes us as bad. The Mum is quite a distance away, trying to enjoy her birthday, while I realise she's been rude I now can't see the point in worrying her while she's so far away. I'll discuss it with her tomorrow and make it clear that I won't be doing it again.

Mac like I said, I know it's teen stuff, and I really honestly never normally get involved. What's annoyed me today is that the girls were nasty, but I felt that the absent mum should have put her foot down in the first (and second) instance, and the other Mum was at best thoughtless.

I'm sorry I think you are making too much of it. I have been on the other side of this and have lost one of my best friends as a result. At this age you cannot force friendships and they are starting to find their own way in life. You say you are not bothered bit you certainly sound it. And accept that people parent in different ways and yours is not the right/only way.

God this really reminds me of my own childhood, when I was caught inbetween two close friends who hated each other. One lived next door, just like in your situation. There was constant jealousy and bickering, it was horrible. Then the other friend moved away. As we grew up, my next door friend and I realised we didn't actually have much in common, and we drifted apart, made new friends and went our separate ways. Many, many years later this friend heard that my mother had cancer. She not only got back in touch, she became my absolute rock, ringing most days to check I was ok and being generally a true friend. Even though our friendship had waxed and waned over the years, those formative years growing up together made the bond truly solid.

Not sure exactly what my point is here other than to say let things run their course. If they drift apart over this new annoying friend then it's unlikely to damage their friendship over the long term, so let them get on with it. Your daughter sounds sensible and confident and will be absolutely fine. As for the mothers, yes you should mention to your neighbour that you waited in all afternoon for her daughter and you don't appreciate being messed around like that, but I wouldn't go further than that and I would just ignore and rise above the behaviour of the other mother. Not worth getting involved.

how long is it now? what a pain in the aristotle. Go out - you already had plans for dd and the friend! shame the friend missed the plans!! good luck - let us know what happens.

oh dear Don't know what i can add that everyone else hasn't said already.

I'm sorry to say this but one of my dd's had this all the way from primary school until she left senior school!! She also had a serious sporting hobby that kept her quite occupied and had some nastiness from the odd girl all the way through school.

Girls can be incredibly nasty.

I find macdoodle's response really difficult to understand.

Op was asked to have neighbour's dd today, prob at around 11am.
Op and her dd waited in.
Neighbour's child did not turn up til 5pm.

Someone, either neighbour or other girl's Mum have been INCREDIBLY embarrassingly rude to op. Why the fuck should she take it on the chin and put it down to normal teen behaviour?

I agree, i would have a word with the mum next door, explain the situation trying to keep calm and see what she has to say about it! If she doesn't realise it was wrong then i would question what sort of person she is and i'd probably limit my contact as much as possible (i know she lives next door so would be difficult)

Macdoodle - how did you loose your best friend over something like this?

IMO regardless of the long background if your neighbour asked you to have her DD for the day from 11am then she should have dropped her DD to you at 11am. Whatever her rules are, whether they're more lax or strict than yours is irrelevant.

What she has allowed her DD to do, is wrong. The other mum isn't totally to blame because she didn't make the arrangement with you. I know there's history and she may have deliberatly kept neighbours DD longer but your neighbour allowed that.

Good luck to your DD for her Gym comp tomorrow, she sounds like she's quite good at it.

OP I really feel for your DD.

I remember when I was eleven and went up to senior school my two best friends, who were twins, met a girl who lived much closer to them than I did and all of a sudden I felt very excluded. They were in the same form, I was in a different one.

They lived nearer to her than to me, so could see each other more, we all had curfews but I had to go home half an hour earlier than they did to get back in time, since I lived further away. That half an hour seemed to make a massive difference to the plans they had made for the next day etc.

It was nothing massive. I'd turn up with a packed lunch and they'd have got permission from their parents to leave school grounds and go to the shop instead. Without a note from our parents we had to stay on the grounds, so it meant I would have to spend lunchtime alone while they went together to the shop and come back right before the end of lunch break talking about something I hadn't been a part of and with their plans for after school already made.

Then they started to call me to cancel plans because the other girl had come up with a better offer. They'd always say "we can come tomorrow instead" but it wasn't always possible for me or my parents to have them come over the next day. And even if it was, it still hurt and it was embarrassing to keep explaining to my family that my friends had cancelled again, often at short notice when I had been waiting in for them.

I found it really hard because we had only moved to the area when I was nine, and I'd had a rough start and found it hard to make new friends for ages. The twins were the first real friends I made and I was shy, so I didn't have anyone else really and the place we lived made it quite isolating too, there weren't really any other children my age nearby.

It wasn't the worst thing in the world, looking back. But at the time it really hurt to feel excluded all the time and it was hard to widen my circle of friends but I did it eventually. Is there someone else your daughter could socialise with? Maybe you could be a little more flexible with her curfew one night a week or increase her budget a little bit, just to help her out, but encourage her towards a different friendship. She might find that when Next Door Girl realises your DD isn't waiting around or chasing her anymore she starts to chase DD instead.

I think both mothers have been very rude.

If the Next Door Girl's Mother had made arrangements with you she should have insisted that her DD stuck to them, as she would have known you had made your plans around babysitting her daughter and were waiting for her to arrive.

And Mean Girl's Mother should have also understood that you would be waiting for her to return Next Door Girl and done so at the agreed time or contacted you to tell you that there had been an unexpected delay. She shouldn't have allowed her DD and Next Door Girl to extend the stay knowing that you and your DD were waiting with no idea what time they might turn up.

Six hours late is rude and unacceptable from all involved, especially since not one of them thought to call you when the plans changed for the second time, you had to chase them.

I don't want to force anything though Mac. It wouldn't have bothered me if the Mum had arranged for her to stay there. But she didn't, a week ago she arranged for her to stay here. Dd kept her day free because we were expecting the friend to arrive at 11.

Yes are parenting styles are different, but I only mentioned it to give the background. It's not really about that though is it? It's basic manners and a bit of thought.

The issue of being late today ( which is I agree very rude) and the OP being overly involved and upset by normal teen girl behaviour are separate and confuse the original post.
I lost my best friend because our daughters who had been close ( spent a lot of time together because of our friendship and living across the road) grew apart and my friend became totally involved and over reacting saying dime horrid things about me and my daughter and making the friendship difficult to maintain.

Yes op today was out if order but all the other ranty things YABU IMO.

I do think, op, that your dd needs to somehow become less "available" for your neighbour's dd.

It is very hard to witness your children growing apart from other children they have grown up with and always been friends with - especially if it is at the other child's choosing.

However, for everyone's sanity, all children really do need to learn not to put all their eggs in one basket wrt friendships.

Ooh I crossed lots of posts there. stopped halfway to eat pizza thank you all again, I feel reassured! Dd does have other friends, and I'm going to encourage that more. I knew that they would change and grow apart, they went to different junior schools now they're at the same senior school I guessed they would stick with their established school friends. It was just really, really hard to see her sat waiting today.

Thank you for sharing your stories, I remember the awkward teenage years, and it's nice to know everyone does and comes through it. Dd doesn't normally do comps, she's filling in for someone, so she's quite nervous. Fingers crossed.

I would have said something like "DD has been invited (or planned or whatever) to do X and we weren't sure if your DD is coming. If she's not DD will be going to do X, so when can we expect your DD?"

And the other girl sounds like a brat and her mother a bitch, just sayin' .

Is she still not there? Are you sure the girls are with an adult?

Girls peer behaviour aside (normal, horrible stuff) - the Mums are the ones being ill mannered here. If the girl was due at yours at 11, but didn't turn up til 5pm, you have wasted your day hanging around for her - very rude indeed. I would have been really cross to have been put in that position. Rude girls Mum is majorly complicit.
I think rather than withdraw your hospitality and friendship, I'd simply say that any future arrangements really need to be honoured and not mucked about with at the whim of these girls as it's inconvenient for you.

Oh ok :)

Fearful, yes that's what I did in the end - I did try the friend first, but her phone had died.

Mac I didn't ask if I was being unreasonable about the other stuff. Fwiw though I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset and angry when you've arranged a surprise family tea for your Dd's birthday and she walks into it sobbing because she's spent the day and walk home with four girls deliberately being nasty. The girl admitted she'd orchestrated it - not that that lessens it wrt the others. That is the only time I've got involved.

Or inviting them out for her b'day then dumping them because their bus hadn't arrived and her other friends turned up in the meantime. I could honestly go on and on with similar tales. I only included them because I thought I ought to provide a background as to who the friend was with. Ie it's not a coincidence or one off considering who was involved.

If it was just bickering and silly girls stuff I'd ignore. But my Dd is being left alone, upset and disappointed by it and I'd challenge you not to get rangy in those circs!

*ranty

You must let the neighbour though this was rude. I would definitely encourage your dd to make other friends - her so called friend is happy to be friends with the stroppy girl and let her put your dd down

You're definately entitled to get involved - FGS she's your daughter and you are responsible for her. I have a thing with a woman at school who has told me she wont get involved and to leave the kids to sort it out themselves - however they dont and cant and dont understand what is going on. We are adults and are trying to teach our children how to behave and react appropriately. leaving kids to get on with it themselves when it becomes an issue is just putting it aside. well done you for all you have doner for your daughter.