To be royally pissed off with Dd's so called friends and their bloody mothers?

[LoulouCapone]

I'll try to keep it brief, but my patience is wearing thin!

We've lived in this house since Dd was two. The little girl next door is the same age. So obviously they are very close. They've always had similar interests and never ever fallen out. They're both very laid back, Which helps.

Since they've been at senior school they've both developed new friendships, some are with the same people, some not. They still spend a lot of their time outside school together though.

Anyway, one girl has taken a complete dislike to my Dd but a real shine to friend. Fine. I have always told Dd that not everyone will like you and you won't like everyone, just be respectful and polite and get on with your day. Unfortunately this girl is just plain nasty, and the Mum seems completely blind to it.

Incidents include - reducing Dd to tears on her birthday by ignoring, and encouraging 3 other girls to ignore her while they were at school and on the way home. Because, in her words, she didn't like that dd and her friends were talking about what they would do at her sleepover. Incidentally she was invited but doesn't 'do' sleepovers.

I did call the Mum on this occasion because it was extreme in my opinion, and the girl was made to apologise.

Calling friend to invite out, friend says can't because Loulou-Dd is here. To which she said 'can't she go home, she only lives next door?!'. Her mum was heard shouting in the background while girl sulked 'is that Loulou-Dd again, thinking the world revolves around her?' This example has actually happened more than once.

There are other examples, but I won't go on more ! Basically one of the big issues, and the reason my Dd is out of favour is because she has rules and boundaries. She has a set amount of pocket money, which she has to budget all her monthly activities with. Once it's gone it's gone. The girl is fond of shopping trips for no reason. These trips cost about £15 once travel and lunch are factored in, which IMO is a waste of money if you have no need to shop. She also likes to do activities like ice skating or swimming, but at 7 pm! So they only get an hour before they close, whereas I try to encourage Dd to do them at the weekend or during the day as better value for money. The girl doesn't have sensible curfews IMO! she's allowed out until 9 (they're 12) then travels home alone... Maybe 3/4 mile. Dd does have a curfew, I don't let her have my debit card to go shopping, she does chores, and has to spend time revising and doing homework. All very boring! Unfortunately mum next door tries to enforce rules, but the Dc's just play her up until she gives in. Also mums new partner is quite well off and seems to be trying to buy them, so no money issues.

So, fast forward to today. Mum next door asks if her Dd can stay with us so she can go away for her b'day. No problem. She'll bring her Dd over when they've finished an activity this Am, probably about 11. Next door Mum knocks at 11 to say her Dd is with the girl still at activity, girls Mum will drop off at lunchtime. Ok. We were still having baths and tidying, so no problem. But AIBU to think that actually she should have been made to come back?

It's now 3, and she still isn't here. Dd didn't make any plans because she was expecting her friend. What a waste of a day for her. AIBU to think its poor form for the girls mum to be seemingly encouraging it, and not sticking to the lunchtime drop off?

I really try not to interfere because I do think it's better for them to find their own way, but bloody grrrrrr!! Unfortunately because we live next door it's hard to get away from the friend, and in turn the girl. So how do I handle things today and going forward?

Sorry this has been epic but I wanted to put it in context and not drip feed.

Clam that's what I'm thinking now. Perhaps she should stay there.

I've not read all the answers but i would contact the mum and say you've all been waiting in all day for the daughter and are now going to go out to make the most of the rest of the day. If you are asked to babysit you shouldn't have to sit in all day just in case the neighbour girl decides to grace you with her presence when she has finished with the other friend. I think from now on your daughter needs to let it be known that the neighbour can do what she wants but your daughter is going to make other plans and not hang around just on off chance the neighbour wants to see her. ie. A bit less "Yes we will be happy to look after her" and a bit more "Sorry but dd has another pal coming over so we can't help."

We have her stuff here. So there'd have to be more contact than a text unfortunately! Also they're being collected from here in the morning, early for a gym thing. Absent Mum has arranged, so that would need to be redone. Also absent Mum is dealing with my Dd at the afternoon comp tomorrow, so I don't have to take smaller Dc's. All this can be done, but will be so awkward! Haha! Joy!

They are all very rude.

Miette... That will totally be the way forward. It's just never been a problem before so I was willing to help. X

That x was a bit unmnet and random!

Rude rude rude.

One thing I noticed - you said you live out of town so trips are expensive. We live out of town too- so I budget to give dd extra travel money. She has to pay for her activities out of her ownmoney, but she didn't choose to live in the Sticks, we did, so I don't see why she should suffer for it. So I either give her extra money, or taxi her about.

TBH this sounds more between the three mothers than the children. Your neighbour isn't treating you or your hospitality with respect. That's where you need to start addressing this.

The girls can sort their own stuff out.

You're getting too involved and imagining what the others are thinking and saying. They probably never gave a thought to you sitting at home waiting and getting annoyed. The other mother's remark about 'being all about Loulou's dd' is a mirror of what you think about her dd. The girl reports back to her mum just like your dd does. The girl feels she is left out just as much as your dd is. (re not being able to go round neighbour's when your dd is there). As parents it's very difficult to see the whole picture and we are obviously protective of our own. Just support your dd.

That does make it a bit tricky OP. I like kewcumbers suggestion of saying "i gather your DD is staying with stroppy friend instead of coming to us. If plans change in future can you let us know earlier."

why dont you phone nasty girls mother and ask if she will have the girl? or phone the neighbour and tell her that you are actually quite inconvenienced by the no show girl, and does friends mother want to have her instead?

dont need to bring in children squabbles etc, but this is an issue where its affecting you, as the temporary responsible parent

I don't think I've imagined anything that they're thinking or saying! I've judged their actions which are frankly poor. Not thinking about us is poor!

I'm far too grown up to say the remark that was intended for dd! Also I restrict the time she spends there, should I stop her altogether on the off chance she'll feel left out. She's never excluded. If they're here when she knocks she comes in, same next door. The only time it doesn't work is when Dd and friend have made plans, she tries to change them, they don't want to so she sulks!

All sounds perfectly normal and teenagerish to me. And I agree with seeker about the shopping trips, etc. You may consider them a waste of money, but that's what girls like to do. Same for the ice skating. Your DD didn't choose to live out in the sticks, and provided she has a safe method of getting home, being out at 9pm on a Friday/Saturday seems perfectly reasonable.

I live out in the sticks. I am strict about homework and chores - DDs have their own washing machine and tumble dryer in their bathroom, and do all their own washing. I expect them to help out, and I expect them to do their best at school. But I do also realise that they should have a life outside of home and school, and I accommodate that as much as possible.

I also expect to be Taxi of Mum until DD2 is old enough to drive. Buses round here are rubbish.

She's here now so its all a bit late. I will chat to neighbour tomorrow and let her know that I think it would be better if she made other plans in future.

I don't think I'm blinded to my own Dd, I know perfectly well what she's like. I try though to make her honour plans she's already made, not drop people in favour of someone else.

There's nothing wrong in saying it put you out

She does have a social life, her time is her own once shes done the things she needs to. The nine o clock thing is any day, and I worry when she leaves here alone at that time.

I do taxi around, but can only fit two in my car. Dd also has a bus pass for our area. Swimming and stuff is all local, it's just shops and cinema that aren't. She does shop, but she just can't every weekend.

For example, in the previous week that they had off, so June. They went to the cinema twice (to the same film), shopping on both the Saturdays, ice skating, and swimming everyday in between. Dd didn't do it all - she didn't want to. It meant she had money and time to do things with her other friends.

The day the comment was made by the mum, the girl had called the friend to see if she wanted to go shopping. Dd and friend had made plans to go swimming. So as Dd and friend didn't have a lot of money they suggested picking up what was needed from the shop, then walking on to the pool. This was met with a sulk, and the Mums unnecessary comment. What should we have done?

I'd have had a word with stroppy girl's mum when she finally dropped off friend, not holding back punches too much.

But first, I would have told next door's mum that I had arranged something for both girls (well, all of you) and you needed her at 3 at latest and would she please ensure that stroppy girl's mum got the friend to X place. Actually I'd have called stroppy girl's mum and TOLD her to have friend at X place at X o'clock.

Jux I want to be you! I worry so much, and although it doesn't sound like it, I really don't get involved. Except when there was a gang of them. As much as I would have loved to do that, I would worry about the fallout for Dd!

Lou is it just you and your dd at home?

Scarah I wish mine did more to help. I think yours sound very well trained:)

I know but then dd's suffering from stroppy girl and mum already so there's not much to be lost there. Stroppy girl's mum is being a bully really, and you know what they say about standing up to them.

This woman has been unpardonably rude and it's not the first time. She does need to be put in her place. Can you get next door mum onside and you both approach her together and tell her that neither her behaviour nor her daughter's are acceptable? Maybe if there's two of you?

I would make it very clear to next door mum that this sort of thing cannot be allowed to happen again. It's piss-taking without a doubt for which she is ultimately responsible, as she should have ensured that her dd was at your place at the agreed time, and not just left it to someone else, particularly someone with whom there are already problems. I'd be saying things like "How you could ever have thought that it would be OK ...." and doing an injured-and-sad sort of act. You're quite entitled to under these circumstances.

As for the girls' shenanigans, pretty normal unpleasant teen girl behaviour. Your dd will make much better friends once she's out of school; and will probably have a much better career and life than either of the other two because of the boundaries you are setting and getting her homework done

You stayed home for over 5 hours waiting for next doors dd to arrive!!!!
If you don't want people to treat you like a doormat, stop acting like one. Why were you so afraid to bring what was happening to your neighbour's attention?

Oh you are so BU and overinvolved. this is normal teen girl behaviour and you're making into a big deal .

Thank you all. I've calmed down a lot! I do realise its all normal teen stuff, but because of the close proximity it's hard to pull her away from it. Dd is really not bothered at all when they do stuff without her, nor am I. However there is a real issue when it's the other way round. It's a shame as they've been friends for so long but I really think dd will have to distance herself until it all calms down a bit.

It's not just us, there's Dh and two much smaller Dc's. Dh works long hours and dd2 is only 5mths so I am fairly restricted wrt being a taxi. Reading back the op I did emphasise the rules, but only because I think that's why dd isn't liked. She's not easy to control whereas friend is, but because dd is her friend that stops some of the control. Iykwim?! She does have responsibilities because I think it's important, but they don't take over.

Teenage girl retationships are so difficult. I find it hard to distance myself in similar situations too, but I have to as I am the adult. I have regularly taken my dd for a night at the cinema or snuggled on the sofa with a chick flick when situations like this occur. It's so hard, though, not to get upset on their behalf.

FWIW, the other Mums are being really thoughtless, but there's not much you can do about it unless you want to screw the friendships up for good and make the Mums give you a wide berth.

Ah, a baby too - I have 10 years between my girls and am also restricted when it comes to driving eldest around unless I have back up.