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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a friend's DH that he has really really bad BO?

42 replies

Solola · 29/10/2011 14:40

Bit of background, I am friends with a young married couple. They are both about 20 and have 2 DCs age 2yrs and 6 months. All the time that I have known them, which is about 3 years, they have both been unemployed. Although she has obviously had 2 babies so been busy!

He has looked very hard for jobs and many of his facebook status updates are about that theme, letting us all know of yet another failed job application. He has no qualifications and cannot drive so he is quite limited in what he can apply for. Within our group of friends, many of us have helped them out and he does odd jobs etc.

The lack of money and I suppose being around together has put a lot of strain on their marriage and they do struggle a lot to afford things like nappies. He is very friendly, intelligent and I am so surprised he has not managed to find a job.

The only reason that I can think of is that he has terrible terrible BO and their whole house smells awful. I can only imagine that in retail - the type of jobs he is going for - this probably does not go down well.

I have heard that some people can have medical problems that lead to this bad BO, but I don't think that is the case here as he often has really greasy hair too so I think it is more down to bad personal hygiene.

I am tempted to have a quiet word with him (or his wife who I am more comfortable with) to suggest that might be the cause of his lack of job prospects. But, he has such low self esteem at the moment due to all these rejections, that I am v.hesitant. My DH thinks I should keep out of it and refuses to have the conversation with him (in cowardice I suggested that DH could tell him - he refused!).

Should I just keep out of it or is there any way I could mention it without offending them?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 14:42

No one will employ someone with personal hygiene problems, so someone has to say something. Dont worry too much about their financial standing, benefits provide enough for people to live on.

LineRunnerWitchyMother · 29/10/2011 14:44

Oh dear lord, it's difficult one. I would say butt out, but on the other hand if it would help this young man find a much-wanted job....

I might be tempted to ask them if they wanted to sit down and talk about CVs and chuck in some 'personal grooming' advice as well, I guess.

Makes you wonder why his own family haven't had a word?

valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 14:46

Keep out of it - you won't be thanked and everyone shoots the messenger!

If his wife won't tell him I don't think it's your place tbh.

cantspel · 29/10/2011 14:47

Doesn't sound like he has a great deal going for him.

No qualifications, cant drive and smelly is never going to put you at the top of anyones list as a idea employee.
Can you not have a conversation about night classes, getting some qualifications and then gently lead around to personal grooming?

knittedbreast · 29/10/2011 14:49

benefits are not enough to live on in many places.

that aside, how about you organise a return to work interview or careers guidance thing for him and forwarn the person doing it of the PH. then they could mention it to him as a way of getting work?

Does his wife not smell him?

colken · 29/10/2011 14:49

If they have a water meter, perhaps they are trying to save on water by not washing as often as usual.

If they use Facebook, they obvioously have a computer (or go to the Library) so could you put an anonymous message on there for him? Just an imaginary anecdote about someone in a similar position and what he did to overcome difficulties (had a bath before each interview) and got a job within a week.

CalamityKate · 29/10/2011 14:55

The BO is bound to be affecting prospective employers' opinions of him.

If you're a real friend, you'll bring it up.

Chances are, they're both so used to the stink they don't notice it any more.

If I were you, I'd approach it with the assumption that he's got a medical condition, and that they already know about it, ie next time she mentions he's been turned down again, you say:

"Oh, what a shame. Have you thought of going back to the GP and seeing if there's something stronger he can get for the BO? I know it's not fair of employers to hold it against him, it being something he can't help, but not all employers are going to be sympathetic I suppose....."

... or something along those lines.

maypole1 · 29/10/2011 14:56

How do you know she hasn't you can't make someone wash can you all do you can do is state the obvious

Flabby your statement that no one will hire a stinker is not true their is a gut in my local tesco who smells like a dead rat and every time you breath in it makes you gag he has a job

Also poor personal hygiene can be a sign of of mental health issues is he despressed

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 14:59

Maypole complain! Thats horrendous.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 29/10/2011 15:01

Ooh Fook. Hard one that. .

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 29/10/2011 15:44

Tell him. Other people must know but haven't cared enough or been brave enough. It will be less embarrassing for all concerned if you include it in a general pep talk/advice session about getting a job etc. Good for you.

colken · 29/10/2011 15:49

What about sending an anonymously helpful letter with an itroduction like:

I'm so sorry to have to tell you this way but ........ )I'm not much good at this sort of thing)

colken · 29/10/2011 15:49

Oh, that didn't work, did it? Try again. I'm not much good at that sort of thing

valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 15:53

Anonymous letters about anything are horrible.

I don't think it's the OP's business to tell her friend's dh the reason he isn't getting a job is because of his BO!

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 29/10/2011 16:28

Could you not engineer a conversation - just you and the woman - about the bloke who just served you in and how he stank so badly that it made you feel ill. Poor bloke, he obviously can't realise otherwise he'd do something about it. You don't know how he managed to get a job with such poor personal hygeine, surely it's something that the interviewer must have noticed, nobody wants to be served by someone with such a problem...

and hope to god she twigs?

CalamityKate · 29/10/2011 16:36

Thing is Hecate, nobody thinks they smell and like I said, they're both probably so used to it that they don't notice it.

So if the OP engineers a conversation as you suggest, the friend will probably go "Ooh, yes - it's horrible when someone smells!" without for one second considering that her DP does.

featherbag · 29/10/2011 16:37

It almost certainly is the reason he's been unsuccessful so far - I was once in a position of having to interview applicants for the same role on 3 seperate occasions (job was advertised 3 times, hired someone first time, advertised for their replacement when they left, advertised again when we wanted a second person to do the same job as the first), on each occasion the same man applied. On paper he was absolutely perfect for the role, he had extensive experience, ideal qualifications, was totally flexible on hours etc., so he was interviewed each time. Each time the interview was wound up as quickly as my boss and I could do so without being impolite as the guy absolutely reeked. The application forms were screened and interviewees selected higher up the food chain than my boss and I so we had no choice but to interview him each time, unfortunately; by the third time we moved his interview to a room with several windows and made sure they were all open before we called him through. He really did smell that bad.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 29/10/2011 16:42

no, he might not think he smells but I don't believe that someone living with someone with foul BO doesn't know it either. I would be amazed if his partner really truly couldn't smell him.

I think of threads on here when women come on asking for advice on how to tell their partner that he reeks. They live with them. They can smell it.

If she really can't then it's a waste of a conversation. But if she does know he smells and she does take the hint, then she might be able to say something.

Perhaps she is also too scared to say anything to him. Doesn't know how to raise it.

Trills · 29/10/2011 16:45

Tell her, and get her to tell him.

(doesn't she know?)

kakapo · 29/10/2011 16:47

this is a tough one, but i don't think you should sugar coat it with an anecdote etc. And maybe not even put it amongst other tips. Tell him straight but as kindly as possible (cringe).

He just won't twig if you don't. He can't know he smells that bad or he would have a wash before the interview - or every day! - surely?

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2011 16:49

I would tell her. I can't believe she has to be told, but if the whole house smells then maybe she's used to it. I'm surprised a health visitor hasn't had a word with her.

Am I the only one who wonders why people have children when they're so young and not working?

Original poster

Solola · 29/10/2011 16:51

It is so difficult.

CalamityKate, I am in agreement with you that a real friend would bring it up and not avoid the awkward conversation. But I do know that others don't see things like that and I so so do not want to hurt him as I know he is quite fragile after all this rejection.

Maypole1 - yes he does have depression. It was diagnosed about a year ago and I know he takes medication. Another reason why I am not sure about bringing this up as he has enough on his plate dealing with that.

His BO is an unspoken thing within a larger friendship group. The only person I have spoken to about what to do in RL is the wife of a couple who are mutual friends. This lady, myself and the guy with BO were all volunteering at a kids club over the summer and we found ourselves working all morning in a small room with him and the stench was unbearable. We discussed it afterwards because we didn't feel it was fair on the children and thought about saying something then but the moment passed.

The husband of the mutual friends couple has taken this guy under his wing a bit and helped him with his CV, interview skills etc. I suggested to the wife that her husband could speak to him about the BO under the guise of that but he was also unwilling.

My friend did say that she and I could both talk to the wife of the guy with BO. She also smells awful but not sure if that is him rubbing off on her(!) or if she also has a problem. She lent me some maternity clothes once but, although I washed them loads of times on a hot wash with fabric conditioner, I could never wear them as the smell was so ingrained.

OP posts:

Trills · 29/10/2011 16:51

Am I the only one who wonders why people have children when they're so young and not working?

If you're young and poor you need to make your own entertainment.

mousyfledermaus · 29/10/2011 16:53

I think you just have to tell him/them directly. it will be unpleasant to do.
I once had that talk at my work, turned out the guy had failing kidneys and when they were not working well, he smelled. he was very relieved that it was out in the open. he knew about the smell and was very embarrassed about it.

MrBloomsNursery · 29/10/2011 17:03

Eugh. How does his wife hug him at night ...It's his wifes job to tell him about his problem, not yours. Just keep out of it.

I had a friend at school who had this problem. I just kept schtum for 4 years, and then it finally happened: That sweet release of leaving day...

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