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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a friend's DH that he has really really bad BO?

42 replies

Solola · 29/10/2011 14:40

Bit of background, I am friends with a young married couple. They are both about 20 and have 2 DCs age 2yrs and 6 months. All the time that I have known them, which is about 3 years, they have both been unemployed. Although she has obviously had 2 babies so been busy!

He has looked very hard for jobs and many of his facebook status updates are about that theme, letting us all know of yet another failed job application. He has no qualifications and cannot drive so he is quite limited in what he can apply for. Within our group of friends, many of us have helped them out and he does odd jobs etc.

The lack of money and I suppose being around together has put a lot of strain on their marriage and they do struggle a lot to afford things like nappies. He is very friendly, intelligent and I am so surprised he has not managed to find a job.

The only reason that I can think of is that he has terrible terrible BO and their whole house smells awful. I can only imagine that in retail - the type of jobs he is going for - this probably does not go down well.

I have heard that some people can have medical problems that lead to this bad BO, but I don't think that is the case here as he often has really greasy hair too so I think it is more down to bad personal hygiene.

I am tempted to have a quiet word with him (or his wife who I am more comfortable with) to suggest that might be the cause of his lack of job prospects. But, he has such low self esteem at the moment due to all these rejections, that I am v.hesitant. My DH thinks I should keep out of it and refuses to have the conversation with him (in cowardice I suggested that DH could tell him - he refused!).

Should I just keep out of it or is there any way I could mention it without offending them?

OP posts:

susiedaisy · 29/10/2011 17:12

I work in a hospital and we often look after people and think god how can their partner share a bed, house, car with them etc then the partner comes in and stinks as well sometimes they make the while area stink, it's ingrained in their skin, hair, even slippers, dressing gown etc such a shame really

Original poster

Solola · 29/10/2011 18:59

Just been bathing the children - all in bed now so came online to read this thread. Checked facebook and he has just posted that he has today he found out that he got a full time job! Pretty happy for him/them as he has been unemployed for 3 years.

Thanks for all your advice and posts. I shall keep quiet about this for now while they enjoy this success and celebration. Who knows - his new boss/work mates may end up saying something eventually.

If I ever end up working with him in kids club again I may need to say something to him in a gentle way I think.

OP posts:

ShellyBoobs · 29/10/2011 19:59

Am I the only one who wonders why people have children when they're so young and not working?

No.

carabos · 29/10/2011 20:13

Used to work for a guy like this. Many people in the team approached both him and his PA about it - it was so bad that his shirt would be literally dripping by mid afternoon. His PA's response was always to tell people not to make personal remarks and the guy's own response was to say that there was nothing wrong with natural odours and he and his family did not believe in using chemicals on their skin. They were strict vegetarians, hippy dippy types, wife never wore make-up, looked down on women who did, didn't shave and all that jazz.

cantspel · 29/10/2011 20:41

If they both smell then i think someone should say something for the childrens sake if no one elses. Smelly parents will have smelly children and it will be awful for these kids once they get to school and get labelled the smelly kids.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 29/10/2011 20:42

I think you're right to be cautious, Sol. Normally I'd advise going with "Mate, I love you but you reek!"

But you just can't do that with someone suffering from depression.

ouryve · 29/10/2011 20:44

Surely his wife must have noticed and mentioned it to him? And if there's a reason why he can't get rid of it, she must know about that, too. Unless she asks you outright if you can work out what might be holding him back, then you need to keep out of it.

DH gets right whiffy pits and I tell him straight when he needs a wash.

ouryve · 29/10/2011 20:50

OK, so she smells as bad as he does :/

mycatsaysach · 29/10/2011 20:53

i would perhaps say something a bit ambiguous - well you'll have to spruce up a bit for your new job.sort your hair etc etc in a jokey way

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 29/10/2011 20:54

My boyfriend at uni shared a house with a lovely bloke who absolutely stank. Someone did bring it up with him (he made the whole house smell) and it turned out it was because of the acne medication he was on (I've never seen skin as bad as his either) and there wasn't much he could do about it. He was the nicest, gentlest guy you could meet and I felt so sorry for him.

Original poster

Solola · 29/10/2011 21:09

Yeah have heard that there might be medical conditions which can cause this bad odour. It is just that he does also look unkempt a lot and his hair is slick with grease. She normally looks fairly clean.

Good point cantspel about the children. Luckily a few years until the older one starts school so who knows what could happen before them. I've found this AIBU v helpful and I think that at some appropriate point when his depression is under control a bit more and he is feeling more positive about life (which having a job will hopefully bring) then will see if I can steer a conversation around to discussing the smell!

OP posts:

Original poster

Solola · 29/10/2011 21:10

Yay - just worked out how to do that bold for names!

OP posts:

melika · 29/10/2011 21:15

Frigging hell! What is wrong with people, of course the wife must know her DH whiffs of shitty stink.

Why do you need to get involved, it is not your problem. If these people do not know why he cant get a job, they are not worth telling.

It really beats me how people can let personal hygiene slide. What is wrong with their self esteem?

melika · 29/10/2011 21:17

ps I wouldnt want him on top of me!

Moomim · 29/10/2011 21:17

us hippy dippy type use ammonium alum (naturally occurring non toxic crystal) which stops bacterial growth, without, y'know, stopping up your pores, causing breast cancer or asthma attacks or making peoples eyes bleed

shesparkles · 29/10/2011 21:18

It really beats me how people can let personal hygiene slide. What is wrong with their self esteem?

Self esteem's often the first thing to go when someone has depression...and lack of grooming etc can often be the first sign of depression

melika · 29/10/2011 21:21

Surely then, it would make them feel worse if you told him.

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