Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let IL's have the DC next weekend?

31 replies

muffinflop · 29/10/2011 13:21

DH and I are going away next weekend without the DC (6 and 4). MIL was desperate to have them while we were away instead of them going to my parents who live much closer. So I agreed, the kids were looking forward to it. But MIL has just been to visit and said they have bought a new rather large dog.

Both my children are terrified of dogs. I'm not sure where it stems from but that's how they are. I told MIL this (even though she already knew) and she replied with 'oh they'll be fine, I'll shut them in a room with her until they realise what a softy she is'!!

DD is very sensitive at the moment after an incident at school (not dog related!) which knocked her confidence and trust of anyone completely and I dread to think what shutting her in a room with a dog which, when on it's 2 back legs, will be bigger than her will do to her.

So AIBU to not let them stay with MIL? DH said he'll speak to her and tell her she's to keep the dog away from the kids but I don't feel she should have to shut her own pet away. I know full well that, even though I told her not to force the dog on the kids, she'll think she knows best and do it anyway

OP posts:
worraliberty · 29/10/2011 13:24

YANBU to not want them to stay overnight with a strange dog at this early stage.

Hopefully though, the children will eventually socialise with the dog and form a good bond.

That should only happen one step at a time and when you/your DH are with them imo.

Graciescotland · 29/10/2011 13:25

I do think they might do better being introduced to the dog slowly. Can you perhaps cancel and arrange for you all to go next Saturday for the day, and the next one, with a weekend visit at the end of the month.

It'd be hard for her to feel shut out when your essentially suggesting spending lots of time with her.

eaglewings · 29/10/2011 13:25

It could go either way.
If I was in this dilemma I would want to be present while my dd was introduced to a dog she will have to spend many hours with over the coming years.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 29/10/2011 13:27

I think if you do let them stay with her you'll just worry the whole time, even if she promises to keep the dog away, sounds like you can't trust her.

The time to introduce the children to the dog is when you can be there with them too, on a short visit, I would think.

Can your parents have them instead, and promise the inlaws a visit next weekend when you can all go?

KittyBump · 29/10/2011 13:27

Hmm yanbu as you haven't had a chance to meet this dog yet. It would be far better for your DCs if you are with them for their first visit with the new dog there. Then you could assess how friendly the dog is and help the children to feel more confident. On the other hand if you were there and found the dog to be unpredictable, boisterous or actually aggressive you would be there to step in.

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 13:28

I think it'll be quite unsettling to the poor dog too, who will be just getting used to its new home.

Iggly · 29/10/2011 13:28

YANBU

even if the dog is shut away, your DD knows it's there which wont be very nice for her (I speak as someone who is not keen on cats and shutting them away does not put my mind at ease!)

MollyTheMole · 29/10/2011 13:32

do your DCs know that your ILs have a dog? If so and they are still happy to go (and in which case this may mean their fear of dogs isnt as great as you thought or is fading which is a good thing) then i think YABU and should trust your ILs.

Your MIL may well try and 'force' the dog on to the kids but if they react the way you suspect then she will have to be a total arse to push the issue (and if you really think she would push it after one 'try' then YANBU to not let the DCs go IMO)

I do think you should maybe trust their judgement though, would you trust your parents if it was them and not your ILs?

Original poster
muffinflop · 29/10/2011 13:40

Yes the DC now know about the dog. DS said he's happy to go if the dog isn't allowed upstairs because he can play up there. DD, as predicted, had a meltdown and is refusing to go. Yes they can stay with my parents instead but I know it will cause friction with MIL if I say they're going to my parents instead.

MIL is lovely in small doses but very sure of herself and always thinks her way is the right way.

We could go and visit tomorrow and Monday (teacher training at school) and see how they get on I suppose.

OP posts:
clam · 29/10/2011 13:44

I'm going to surprise myself here and say you are abolutely NBU. I would be cross. If there's an issue with your DCs and dogs at all, then it needs careful managing and a whole weekend with no escape is NOT the way. Especially if MIL's downplaying/joking about the whole thing. That means she's not taking it seriously.

Don't see why you should cancel your weekend away - send them to your parents (if that's OK) and tell MIL that they can come to hers at a later date when the kids are acclimatised to the dog.

MollyTheMole · 29/10/2011 13:45

In that case then I think its up to your DCs, would it be out of order for say your DS to go to ILs if hes not too bothered and your DD to go to your parents? Are they of an age where they play with their own stuff or are they a 'pair' and like to be together IYSWIM?

If not like you say perhaps try a visit and see how they get on, maybe if your ILs see DCs reaction and its not great they will probably be a bit more understanding if the DCs to to your parents instead until they get used to the dog.

MurderBloodstabsandgore · 29/10/2011 13:47

Can your DCs meet the dog beforehand, so you can assess the situation?

Otherwise, YANBU.

MurderBloodstabsandgore · 29/10/2011 13:48

YABU to cancel if your DPs would have the DCs.

Just pretend not to notice the 'friction' and it will blow over.

Original poster
muffinflop · 29/10/2011 13:59

They do play nicely together molly but actually that might be a good idea about sending DS to the IL's if he's happy to go. I'll see how he gets on with the dog tomorrow before suggesting it. Thanks for the replies. I didn't know if I was being overprotective

OP posts:
clam · 29/10/2011 13:59

The dog is a deal-breaker. You agreed for the kids to go there before the dog was on the scene. The situation's now changed, so you're within your rights to make alternative arrangements.

Although grow a thick skin, as you run the risk of being labelled a fussy mother for evermore. Grin

clam · 29/10/2011 14:02

"Laid-back" is my middle name. But I don't think you're being over-protective on this one. And I speak as a proud owner of a recently-acquired bouncy puppy who we think is gorgeous, but who I would never inflict on anyone who was remotely unsure about dogs.

naturalbaby · 29/10/2011 14:08

I would absolutely not in my wildest dreams even consider it. if the dog knew the kids really, really well and the kids knew the dog really, really well then i might think about it.

How long has she had the dog and how well does she really know it? will she really not allow the dog upstairs at all for the whole visit? if she thinks she knows best and will do what she wants anyway then it doesn't sound like a good idea.

how many incidents do you read about in the news where it was kids staying with family who's dog attacked the kids?

duvetdayplease · 29/10/2011 14:09

Oh no, YA so NBU! Your MIL sounds a touch like my mum, who is an utter knob about her dogs. To the extent that she refused to lock another relative's slightly dodgy dog away in garage and he did indeed leap up and snap at my younger one. Cue massive family row.

A whole weekend is just too much, no problem getting to know the dog but it just sounds like stress central for both you and the kids, as you'll never relax while away and your DD is just going to be wound up before she even gets there.

Trust your judgement and ask your parents to have the kids. Explain to MIL that your DD was afraid of the dog. She'll no doubt be pissed off (my mum thinks I'm an idiot still - 'the dog just needs to be trained' 'not on my child it doesn't') but she'll live.

colken · 29/10/2011 15:40

What breed of dog is it and how old are your children?

colken · 29/10/2011 15:41

Alsation or pekinese?

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 15:48

The children are 6 and 4...not sure about the breed of dog.

Andrewofgg · 29/10/2011 15:51

YANBU and you are lucky your DPs can and will help. If there is any friction it will not be your fault. Enjoy the trip.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 29/10/2011 15:54

I love dogs - but I'd want to know more about this dog before I agreed to the kids staying there with a new dog. I'd say 'No' this time, not until the dog has settled in and the children have got to know the dog over time (and you can see what the dog is like with them). If it upsets her - tough.

LineRunnerWitchyMother · 29/10/2011 15:55

Well it's easy, isn't it? Your DC don't go.

Your MIL made a choice to get a dog. She now has to take responsibility for that.

Leave your DC with your own parents and that way you won't be worrying the whole time.

fuzzysnout · 29/10/2011 16:01

I presume as you havesaid that the dog islarge that it is not a puppy. In which case I think you would be very unwise to put your DCs in that situation as you do not know how the dog might react to unknown children. In particular as your DCs are afraid and unused to dogs they are not likely to behave calmly around the dog and that can only lead to difficulties, particularly when MIL is not sympathetic. They do need to be introduced slowly and gradually over a period of time. The dog has only just moved in and will be stressed by the situation,DCs could well be terrifiedandyou willnot enjoy your weekend knowing that they maybe upset or even worse. Play it safe and send them to your mum and introduce to MILs dog gently and safely another time. It's just not worth the risk and I say that as a fully paid up member of the 'dog brigade'.