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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my DPs lack of organisation?

54 replies

Venacava · 29/10/2011 12:29

I am so angry with him right now and he's not even here to address this with.

I work away from home all week and get home on a Friday night after having done a 2 hour commute in Friday night traffic (aka I'm very stressed). For weeks now I have been asking my dp to please do his washing in the week as I only get the weekend to get my work clothes washed and dried for the week. My house is also difficult to get clothes dry in so I know that as long as my clothes are washed on a friday night they should be ok for sunday night when I need to pack up my suitcase again. I am in a hotel at the moment and would have to pay laundry fees myself (which are a fortune!) so washing in the week isn't an option.

I got so fed up of coming home on a Friday night to discover the washing machine full of wet washing where he has obviously panicked that I'm coming home and he hasn't done the washing and so shoved it in the machine.

He has started telling me "I don't know where you think I get the time in the week to put washing on, I go out to work at 7am, come back at midnight and get into bed". My answer has always been that he should put a load on in the morning and hang it out before he goes to bed. At least he has the option of doing his washing in the week. I don't get that.

This week I have come back to the washing in the machine again plus at least another 2 loads that he expects to do. AIBU to expect him to do his washing in the week so that I can wash my clothes that I will need in the week?

He is just so disorganised. Won't ever iron his shirt the night before, will choose to do it in the morning whilst moaning that he is late. I am very, very annoyed with him at the moment as he has lost my car key. He was rushing (late) for work this morning and needed to get something out of my car (work car so a much more expensive car that I could ever afford). He has gone out for a 12 hour shift, I told him to make sure he left my car key behind only to come downstairs to find a) no sign of car keys, b) my car unlocked on the drive and c) him swearing that he doesn't have the keys in his pocket. It will cost me £500+ if he can't find the key- the kind of money I just don't have :( .

AIBU to have lost trust in him completely over this? I feel like I just can't trust him.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 13:02

I think bagging his wet washing up and leaving him to do it sounds like a good plan!

valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 13:02

X posted with grumpla

Vibrant · 29/10/2011 13:05

I would just leave him to organise his week how he wants. I don't think he "should" be doing anything. If he's working, studying and having a bit of a social life then I can totally see how he wouldn't get the washing done. I sometimes don't put a load on for a week because there's so much else to do.

I can see though that it's annoying for you to come home and find that there's washing that needs to be dried. Why can't he leave it until you've packed and put a load on then, so that you can get yours done and sorted?

oldraver · 29/10/2011 13:06

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you come home to wet washing in the washer just take it out and do yours... even if the washer is still going the longest you will have to wait is an hour or so. Just do what you need and leave him to sort his out. If he is out for a 12 hour shift today yoy have plenty of time to put the washer on

DownbytheRiverside · 29/10/2011 13:08

This sounds like DD and her student house last year, along with problems related to washing up. You need to sit down and talk about how to share your home, and what will happen if you don't.
Yes to removing a wet load to do yours, yes to working out timings more closely.
You are both doing a huge amount in very stressful circumstances, and your job sounds horrible, something to be endured rather than enjoyed. Sad
I think you are describing symptoms, the problems seem much bigger than laundry and disorganisation.
Do you want to live like this for the next 5 years or more? What can you do to improve the situation? Discussion comes first, unless you want to finish the relationship.

Original poster
Venacava · 29/10/2011 13:27

DownbytheRiverside- It's a horrible job. Believe me it's not a job I have done out of choice. I have been put on ADs for depression and anxiety due to the job- I have been living out of a suitcase for 9 months and was never told the job was going to be this way.

I know I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but it's just the straw that broke the camel's back I think. I know my dp is working hard, but he's also spending a lot of time on his hobbies. I don't think he should get away with not doing it like vibrant suggests, if he's not going to do it then who is? He's an adult he should be doing his own laundry. I'm not his mother!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 13:29

if he's not going to do it then who is?

No one is, that's the whole point. Just turf his washing out and leave it bagged up. He'll soon get the message.

DownbytheRiverside · 29/10/2011 13:31

Exactly!
Tell him you will be using the washing machine at x time, and if his stuff is in there, you will be taking it out and using the machine. If he was living an a shared house as a medical student, that is probably what would happen.
DD and her housemates ended up putting back dirty dishes into the offender's cupboard because he was blocking the sink for everyone else for days.
The fact you are in a relationship should mean you are entitled to be more considerate of each other, not less.

LoveBeingAWitch · 29/10/2011 13:38

He's a medical student, but can't understand a simple request? Maybe you should sit him down and tell him you are concerned for the general public seeing as he can't even understand a simple request.

clam · 29/10/2011 13:40

Do you split whites/darks/coloureds? In which case, could you (either/both, not YOU specifically) share the machine loads and have a joint white load/coloureds etc...?

TeamDamon · 29/10/2011 13:52

I agree with clam - I am doing the laundry today and somehow managing to wash mine, DH's and DS's clothes all at once Hmm

It seems a bit of a melodramatic response to laundry, tbh - a bit passive-aggressive to make it about your washing and his washing. Surely it's just washing.

TeamDamon · 29/10/2011 13:53

It sounds less like you are living together as a couple and more like you are sharing a house with a housemate actually - interesting those who have commented on similar things happening in student accommodation.

Maybe you both need to grow up a bit.

Vibrant · 29/10/2011 13:56

I wasn't suggesting anyone else does it. I guess I wouldn't respond well to being "told" to do things or that I "should" do things, and that's where I'm coming from. What I'm saying is just leave it up to him when/if he does it but ask him to avoid the time when you get home.

I do sympathise though if you are on anti-depressants and depressed and anxious. That for me puts a whole different spin on it. That's really tough when you're feeling like that and it's hard to keep things in perspective. Everything just seems so much harder to cope with, so although this may to other seem like a mountain out of a molehill, I expect to you it isn't. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Original poster
Venacava · 29/10/2011 14:03

TeamDamon- I too could manage to do 3 people's laundry if I were here all week and could keep on top of things. You try doing all of the family's washing (towels, bedding and clothes) in a weekend with only a clothes horse and a cold, damp house to deal with.

Vibrant- Thanks. I have been living a nightmare for the past year with my job. There are posts on here about my situation. I can just about cope if I can keep on top of things. If I can't get my work clothes washed, dried and ironed on the weekend then it's that kind of thing that can tip me over the edge.

I'm going to close this thread now on my computer. Thanks to those who have given kind responses. Those who think I'm making a big deal out of nothing then I hope you get responses like the ones you have given me when you're next having a "petty" argument with your dp.

OP posts:
PrincessJenga · 29/10/2011 14:04

Our old flat didn't have room to hang washing so during the winter (when we couldn't hang it outside) we'd do it all in one go & take it in turns to go to the laundrette just to dry it. Probably cost £3 a week to dry all of our clothes. Worth a try?

TeamDamon · 29/10/2011 14:53

I do do the whole family's laundry at the weekend, including towels and bedding. The third load is in at the moment, and the first two are on the clothes airers. And tomorrow night, DH and I will share the ironing ready for the new week.

It's just laundry.

landrover · 29/10/2011 15:35

I'm so sorry for you op, it is obviously getting you down. A couple of suggestions, get rid of washer and get a washer/dryer. Now i know money is tight but if your relationship broke up over some washing, in a few years time you could really regret your breakup! Another thought, buy an airer that hangs off the ceiling (i know, back to olden days!). But they are so practical, they are out of the way, just unload your washing and u know they will be dry usually overnight!
I think you are probably both now just very tired and prob need a break together? It all depends I guess whether you both love eachother and want the relationship to last. I do feel for you both though. xx

Acekicker · 29/10/2011 15:47

I feel for you - I've done the working away in the week, home only from 8pm Friday to 5pm Sunday type thing and it is tough - you have to cram all your 'domestic' stuff into less than 48 hours and try somewhere along the line to have a life and some fun as well. Equally I've got a friend who went through medical school once he was married and that was very tough on his OH - you and your OH are doing both, no wonder it's a nightmare.

Bear in mind you're both probably thinking 'I would give anything to have the other one's job/life' - working away sounds great hotels, peace and quiet, no cooking etc but you and I know the reality is different; equally you're jealous about him being at home, having time for hobbies in the week etc when the reality for him is probably not as much fun as you think it is.

It sounds like you really loathe your job so it's easy to blame it all on the fact you're away but the reality is I don't wash during the week, I'd like to, but I don't - I'm too knackered when I get in to be arsed so I will do 4 or 5 loads this weekend. Get a decent airer - I've just bought this and honestly it has changed my life.

You have to compromise - clearly your washing needs to be done at weekends so it's not too unreasonable to get his stuff out and sling yours in but equally you could do like others have suggested and get a white load of both your stuff on in one go etc. Also don't sweat the small stuff - honestly, the world won't end if towels/bed-sheets do one more week. Also, I know you're strapped for cash but seriously consider getting some more clothes (perhaps ask for some/vouchers etc for Christmas) - that way you can always have a couple of 'next week's clothes' already clean for Mon/Tues (I speak here as someone well versed in checking in a case of wet clothes and drying it in a hotel room Grin). Don't forget as well that whilst you can't wash clothes at the hotel (hotel laundry costs are indeed eye-watering) you can still iron stuff as you need it.

Laquitar · 29/10/2011 15:56

It is not much to ask. We always do ours midweek so we can enjoy weekends.

With the schedules you both have you need to be organized and you need all the practical solutions. I'm sure you can find a drier on ebay or freecycle, cant you make space at all?
There is something -sorry i don't know what its called- that looks like a huge balloon when in use, you hang the clothes in there, you zip it up and plung it. In Argos £50.
I haven't try it but looks good, maybe other posters know more about it.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2011 15:56

I don't know why some posters are dismissing the OP's stress by saying "It's just laundry." Clearly this is a problem for her and dismissing it like that isn't helpful and actually sounds really mean.

The OP's got a horrible lonely job and when she comes home surely all she wants to do is to have some sort of social life and get her laundry done for the week ahead. If it doesn't get done at the weekend, she can't get it done at all, unlike her partner, who is being quite selfish and lacking in understanding.

OP, if you're still reading this, have you seen these clothes dryers? They are about £80 but they could solve your problem.

I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of the weekend. Why not spend some of it looking for other work?

Laquitar · 29/10/2011 16:01

Ah thats the one i meant. It is in Imperial's link, the 4th one.

anastaisia · 29/10/2011 16:26

I agree Imperial, I'm sure there are many solutions to the laundry issue - but none of them will deal with the fact that the OP isn't happy with her work and feels her OH is dismissing her feelings/not helping her deal with it practically when he is home so much more than she is. Maybe he isn't happy with things either but based on the information given he hasn't shared this with her the way she has requested support from him. I don't think that the OP is unreasonable to expect more from a live-in partner.

Grumpla · 29/10/2011 17:54

I agree it's definitely not "just laundry".

Saying the OP should put up / shut up or she might regret her breakup - really?!? She's equally likely to break up with the partner who's not supporting her or pulling his weight and be bloody delighted looking back in a few year's time!

Note I am not saying 'leave the bastard', what I most definitely am saying is nip this in the bud, now, before your lives become any more intertwined.

A few loads of laundry are not a dealbreaker - of course not! - but an over-entitled partner who subconsciously or not deems housework to be woman's work - that would be, for me. OP, you need some support and cherishing at the moment - would it kill him to say "whoops, I messed up a bit here" and take ALL the laundry to the laundrette? No, of course it wouldn't. He's the one who's had all week to do his laundry and failed to do so - it should be his responsibility to find a solution. Ditto the car key.

squeakyfreakytoy · 29/10/2011 17:59

Why can you not just wash your clothes together... saturday morning, bung it all in... is that not just a nice simple easy solution that would save all this bickering?

TeamDamon · 29/10/2011 18:07

Apparently you are not allowed to suggest practical easy solutions like that, squeakytoy - we seem to have to make a big deal of it. I am not sure why.