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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prioritise FIL over my mum at 'the C word'

31 replies

SquongebobSparepants · 29/10/2011 01:37

So, over the &$%£%*& holidays for the past few years we have had a 'stay at home' rule, we go to see all my family a few weeks before christmas when we all get together and we went to IL's at new year.
Last year MIL had just died, so to avoid FIL having a miserable time we invaded with DD's and it was great.

FIL lives near SIL and her boys, his siblings and MIL's family.

My mum lives on her own near no-one in our family. One of my siblings sees my father at christmas so she is out, my brother is useless and doesn't normally 'fix' his plans so it is entirely possible she will be all on her own christmas day and not see a soul. She insists she is okay with this but I feel otherwise.

DH wants to be with his family again and has asked that we go to FIL's.
At FIL's I cook and organise everything (FIL can cook but manages for himself, feeding 3 adults and 2 fussy children is a bit much) but it is so laid back and 'whatever' it is fun, and FIL loves washing up the freak
I haven't spent christmas with my mum for years as I see her before and, well, I do not have happy childhood memories of christmas. This does mean that she has never seen the DD's on christmas day though.

Is it awful of us to go to FIL's again, I don't want to upset my mum, but don't want FIL on his own, and he refuses all invites as he wants to sit in HIS chair with HIS whiskey and chill, not be uncomfy in someone else's house (dude, seriously, he is so old!)

OP posts:
MrsBloodyTroll · 29/10/2011 01:41

Can you take your mum with you to FILs for the day?

Just say that you don't want either FIL or your mother to be alone on Christmas Day.

Having people you don't know so well around also forces everyone to behave a bit better!

Dee03 · 29/10/2011 01:42

Hi...couldn't you take your mum with you to FIL's?? Smile

Alouette · 29/10/2011 01:43

can't you bring mum to FIL?

Original poster
SquongebobSparepants · 29/10/2011 01:59

I KNEW I would leave out the pertinent information.

They live 200 miles apart. and we live on the apex of a lovely triangle 150 miles from them both. Unhelpfully.
There is also nowhere for my mum to stay, there is FIL's room and 2 other very small bedrooms, one just fits a double and the other 2 singles with half a metre between. This and many other reasons means it is not an optionSad

FIL also (and this wil be FUN) has been 'sorting' and has decided that the only furniture needed in his front room is 2 armchairs and the dining table. Comfy it is not Grin

I feel bad for my mum, but I would rather go to FIL's both for DH's sake and his. I have known him for half my life and he is more of a father to me than mine ever was. Sucks.

OP posts:
Alouette · 29/10/2011 02:37

can't you bring everyone to you then? or to your mums? wherever there is space for people. i know it's probably a lot of hassle, but it'll be better than one of them being lonely come christmas day.

missingmumxox · 29/10/2011 02:55

umm, excuses, after my Mum died, the strict year here year there went by the board and my Dad spent Christmas with my in laws, as they are far more fun than our family, he loved it, he lived in Kent IL in Scotland and us Midlands, he was blind and used to get the train booked by him, and on the tube he organised some sort of guide, none done by me, who got him through the underground, my IL live in a wimpy house sounds like you are discribing, Dad got the Bed, me and hubby in the living room on sofa cushions, my Brother was there as well,,, I can't even remember where he slept! as the other room was a office
instead of no it won't work, make it work, next year yours, year after mums inviting them all, and make sure FIL has his chair at hand,
trust me on this I only did it once and my dad had a stroke and was in a home and it was no longer possible for him to travel due to his 101 health problems,
I was 33 when he died, my Mum died when I was 27, I had my twins at 34, I would love your problem! and yet even without the Kid problem I solved it.
it sound like you have another issue,

Original poster
SquongebobSparepants · 29/10/2011 03:24

You're probably right missing.

thanks (genuine)

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 03:41

Yes, second train option unless there is a GENUINE reason she cannot travel. Or would someone run her 100 miles to meet in the middle at a service station. Can be done with a bit of planning if ALL parties want it, and aren't just saying so...

ZonkedOut · 29/10/2011 05:47

As long as there aren't actually personality clash type reasons, it sounds like the best solution. Get a blow up mattress, one with a built in pump - they're actually surprisingly comfortable, and you or the kids could use it.

If the train won't work, you could always pick her up a day or two before, or do the round trip - 350 miles is a long distance but hardly insurmountable.

It's doable if you want it to be.

antsypants · 29/10/2011 08:48

Just be honest with get, tell her you are going to FIL because of your DH not wanting him to be alone and you would love it if she came but will understand if she doesn't want the hassle and will see her before/after you get back

She may like to be on her own, especially if you don't have great memories of past Christmas's with her, it may not be a great time for her.

antsypants · 29/10/2011 08:48

*her

diddl · 29/10/2011 08:53

Well it sounds as if it´s FIL´s choice to be alone as he has family near him he could go to.

So I´d be tempted to think more of your mum.

Sounds as if you prefer FIL though.

saggybaps · 29/10/2011 08:54

It is always 'doable', just sounds like you don't want it to be.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 29/10/2011 08:58

yes agree with some of the others there is ALWAYS a way round things, you could go and pick your mum up and meet DH at FILS. Take some bedding, some air beds, a couple of camping chairs and hey presto you are sorted.

margerykemp · 29/10/2011 08:59

What does dm want?

DoMeDon · 29/10/2011 09:04

I thought the C word was something else entirely!?! What is the hassle about xmas? I didn't have great ones as a child, I camn't get fussed about it now, but no way would I leave my DM alone. There is always a way.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 09:04

Take your mother to your FIL's

WoTmania · 29/10/2011 09:05

I reckon you should talk to FiL about her being at his and then give her the choice. Kids (or you & DH) can sleep on sofas to free up a room.

Flisspaps · 29/10/2011 09:06

I'd stay at home, invite them both and if either or both choose to stay at home then that is their decision.

Original poster
SquongebobSparepants · 29/10/2011 11:59

Thanks for all advice. I feel the need to point out that I am one of 4 children she could stay with, and the only one of those 4 with kids, so I do not understand why the others can't stay with her.
I am not doing the round trip to get her with both kids in tow on my own. No chance! She would not travel over christmas (She isn't a nervous traveller, she recently came back from a holiday cycling across India) and is 'quite happy to stay at home'
FIL would not travel and stay in someone else's house as he is disabled and needs his chair and bathroom, they are both stubborn gets and will just say 'whatever is easiest'

I give up.

OP posts:
GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 29/10/2011 13:40

Why can't your DH pick your mum up? (obviously it is a shlep, I do realises this)

Why can't your mum take a train then?

I understand that your mum does not want to cause a "fuss" my mum says this all time to me, when she is actually really fussy and gets the shits about everything!

I hope you work it out, have you spoken to your siblings about Christmas arrangements, can you not get a commitment out of them to spend time with your mum. In a way it falls to you because you let it --

Original poster
SquongebobSparepants · 29/10/2011 13:52

In a way it falls to you because you let it
yes, absolutely.
This is DH's argument. DM has 3 other options. FIL cannot go to SIL as she has his ex wife, her mum (she is DH's half sister) and no-one wants thatGrin they come over for an hour or so in the morning.
He can't go to BIL as BIL is a twat and I don't want to get into it. So he really would be stuck on his own with some visitors but no-one to cook/eat with.
Mum Will Not Travel at christmas, never has, she just won't. Is source of constant frustration to all of us! BUT I see her for 'christmas weekend' with everyone else and we exchange presents etc then, plus I do her a stocking.

I am aware I am trying to convince you all to let me go to FIL's with no guilt, and that I am not going to get that. Thanks for being so AIBU gentle!

OP posts:
peeriebear · 29/10/2011 13:58

The way I see it, if your Mum is so utterly resolute about Not Travelling, she is prepared for being alone some Christmases as people make other plans. If she says she's fine with it, maybe she really is. Will she complain if you go to FIL's (which currently sounds much more fun btw).

AllGoodNamesGone · 29/10/2011 14:13

I agree, maybe your mum really is fine being on her own at Christmas. My mum once asked an elderly neighbour what her plans were and the lady said "well my neice thinks I am going to my friend and my friend thinks I am going to my neice but really I am staying here and having a nice quiet day by myself!" she really was fine with it and preferred her own company to the chaos of a family Christmas. Tbh I could see myself being that way when I am old enough to get away with it!

I would tell your mum she is very welcome to come to FIL with you but, if she doesn't want to, then that is fine.

TidyDancer · 29/10/2011 14:26

I quite honestly would stay at home and tell both your mum and FIL that they are more than welcome to come to yours at Christmas, but that you will not be travelling. I don't think that's unreasonable at all and if either of them decide not to travel, that's their choice to make. Do what you can to facilitate them coming, but don't pamper to either of them unnecessarily.

We do a form of that in our house (although we all live within about a three mile radius!). We are always at home for present opening with the DCs, and issue an open invitation to both families that if they would like to come round to see present opening happen and have a brunch with us, we will prepare something. We then alternate the main Christmas dinner between my mum and the ILs, and then whoever doesn't get us for Christmas Day, gets us for Boxing Day.

The best thing to do is alternate years, unless you can host everyone at yours.