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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at my daughter for vanishing for half of the christmas holidays?

76 replies

Alouette · 29/10/2011 01:04

first post, be very gentle with me!

i was just browsing through AIBU and i found this thread, and i'm kind of in a similar situation.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1330478-to-be-upset-with-my-DD-for-prioritising-time-with-her-boyfriend-over-family

basically, my only DD has just gone off for her first term at university and hasn't even spoken about coming back once when many of my friend's children the same age have popped back once or twice already! she is not far from home, and although i should be happy that i've raised a lovely, independant girl- she has visited her boyfriend for nearly half the weekends she's been at university. although i can't stop this :/ it's just very hurtful that when she's on skype to me, she's texting him- and that she doesn't want to come home, but she'll be happy to jump on a 3 hour train journey when he asks....angry/jealous

however, what has really annoyed me is that DD is home for christmas, but as soon as new years eve comes- she's booked a city break away (despite her being 'poor') and she'll be gone until the day before university term starts when she expects me and DH to get up at the crack of dawn and drive her back to university the next day.

alot has gone on back home since she left regarding the health of GPs and a few arguments between me and DH so surely i'm not being unreasonable to expect her to stay at home for the whole of the christmas holidays, when she clearly is not expecting to return home until then?

thoughts please. a bit upset :(

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/10/2011 01:11

Oh I'm sorry you're upset. :(

I wish I could say YANBU, but I'm afraid I think YABU, although understandably so. If she was planning on spending no time at all with you and still expecting you to help her move back and forth, I'd not hesitate in saying that you were right to be annoted about it, but I don't think you can really expect her to be home for the entire time.

TidyDancer · 29/10/2011 01:11

annoted annoyed

onwardandupwards · 29/10/2011 01:15

Maybe she is just enjoying being out there on her own! Does she know how you feel? Maybe your dd is trying to do what she thinks is right by splitting her holiday time, make the most of her when she comes home from uni for xmas and just enjoy the time you will have then! Is your dd your only child?

Original poster
Alouette · 29/10/2011 01:16

also am a bit worried as i fear this relationship is a bit intense- ie. visiting each other when they should be making new friends and finding their feet, letters, going on holiday together...

she's always had boyfriends, but this feels quite different

OP posts:
Original poster
Alouette · 29/10/2011 01:17

yes, she's my only :) i don't know why people worry so much about them being 'lonely onlies' - the parents are the ones who end up being lonely!

OP posts:
TheFeministsZombieBride · 29/10/2011 01:18

I'm sorry you're so upset, but I do think YABU. When I was 18 I'd been living away from home for nearly 2 years (with now DH). Not through any trouble at home just because I wanted to be with DH. He was all I could think of at that age. I didn't go to university and was only 3 miles from home but rarely went back. My parents divorced when I was 17 too. I went home for christmas dinner with boyf in tow but didn't stay over. And NYE was very much party time.

DSD is 19 and rarely home, unless her boyfriend is allowed to stay (which we allow a couple of times a week). She'll be spending christmas with him I expect, and she's working all over the christmas period and out Boxing day night and definately NYE. TBH I would think there was something wrong if she was home.

ilovesooty · 29/10/2011 01:19

YABU, I think. She will be at home for Christmas, after all.

KMW79 · 29/10/2011 01:20

I think you need to take a deep breath.....and let her carry on. I can totally imagine how hard it is, YOU SHOULD bloody be the first port and call for her, you have been for the rest of her life after all, BUT this is why you are not! She WILL be back, when her heart is broken, when she is unsure, scared, needy... It means you have done a great job, that she can experience her new life without clinging to you, it is hard, AND of course, it might feel like she is taking the piss at times, but that is 'cause she loves you, knows you will ALWAYS be there, and is spreading her wings for the first time!! Good luck

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 01:20

Sorry but YABU

We spend our lives trying to raise independent adults and that's just what you've done...you should be proud.

When I was a teenager I loved spending Xmas with my family but I have to say I looked forward to New Year's Eve because I felt that was my time.

I enjoyed both occasions in different ways for different reasons.

If she's 'always had boyfriends, but this feels quite different' then the chances are she's in love.

Leave her be and just be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong Smile

flatbread · 29/10/2011 01:33

Yabu and yanbu. Yabu to expect her to spend the whole break with you. Yanbu to resent having to get up at the crack of dawn for a tedious journey to drop her. Suggest that her bf drop her back.

She is at the age that the boundaries are being redrawn with the family. If you don't want to always be taken for granted, gently draw some lines yourself.

MrsBloodyTroll · 29/10/2011 02:02

Sorry, but YABU.

I was in love with a boyfriend at that age, having met him at university in our first term, and being away from him was absolute agony, felt like the worst pain in the world, as everything does at that age.

I did go home for one weekend in that first term and missed him so so much I never went home for a weekend again during my entire time at uni. He and I broke up a year later. I was the same with subsequent boyfriends including my DH who I met aged 23...I spent our first Christmas as a couple in floods of tears because we weren't spending it together (my poor parents!).

Teenagers are selfish, I'm afraid, and added to that is the excitement and emotion of first love. She does care about you, but also has this new and exciting part of her life. I spent most of age 18-33 not being particularly close to my parents after flying the nest. But the moment I had the first of my DCs, my Mum became one of the most important people in my life. She and I are closer than ever, and I've seen it with others too.

I'm impressed about her plans to go away for NYE. Would you rather she sits at home in front of the TV with you or goes off having adventures and exploring the world? TBH I wish I had spent less time as a student worrying about money and more time having fun like your DD.

I do realise that it hurts, especially if your parents aren't well. I am already dreading the day my two tiny DCs leave home. But I think you have to be grateful that your DD is with you for Christmas (if she's still with the boyfriend next year, she might not be!) and make the most of the time you have with her, not use her as an emotional crutch. Sorry.

Dozer · 29/10/2011 06:20

Sorry, must be hard, but yabu. Sounds like she's a normal student.

If you'd like to see her a bit more, say so, let her know she'd be v welcome to visit for a weekend, but don't pressure her. Perhaps you could suggest visiting her for the day, take her for lunch and to the supermarket (if she's self-catering).

The relationship does sound intense, but not uncommon for people starting uni in different places. Lots of these relationships break up after a lot of stress and money /time spent on rail and coach fares, sorry if this sounds negative! I would stay ou of it, perhaps other than hinting at the importance of balance in terms of who visits who (sometimes one person does most of the travel and spends more money and time, which can indicate the other person isn't as into it).

Also, her GPs health shouldn't really be her problem! Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Agree with flatbread about boundaries, transition from parent to child to adult to adult relationship etc.

Dozer · 29/10/2011 06:22

Yanbu to object when she is texting - to anyone - when on skype, that's rude of her.

Dozer · 29/10/2011 06:22

Your arguments with your dh - also not her problem and inappropriate to involve her in that at all.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 29/10/2011 07:32

She is your grown up adult daughter with a life of her own. Think it is time you made your own life and stop trying to get her to fill your stop gaps.

She is seeing you over Christmas but it is totally unreasonable to expect her to spend it all with you - how completely boring and suffocating.

YANBU over the skype and texting.

If uni isn't that far away then tell her to get herself back there - if she can afford to go away for new year and to go see her boyfriend then she can afford a train ticket.

Esta3GG · 29/10/2011 08:32

She sounds as if she is having a good time - you want her to be happy don't you? It does sound however that you have been having a crappy time and you want her home to make you feel better. If that is the case then tell her that.

I do despise the texting whilst on Skype thing though. I would severely bollock her for that - but then I would bollock anyone for that. Maybe she needs a shake up. I remember my mum slamming the phone down on me when I was being a 19 year old smartarse in front of my student mates. Scared the crap out of me.

Students can be self obsessed little twonks. You get caught up in this artificial frenzy of socialising and boyfriends and blah de blah. It doesn't last forever. I am an only child too and my relationship with my parents couldn't be closer in spite of the fact that I have gone off and done my own thing for years. As the saying goes - if you love someone set them free.

ragged · 29/10/2011 08:37

Sorry Alouette, but yabu on the visit times. She is a grown up stretching her wings. Just be there for her and she will keep coming home for years one way or the other.

Make it really exciting to be with you; offer to treat her & boyfriend to something, that might sway her.

diddl · 29/10/2011 08:41

YABU.

She´s seeing you for part of the holiday.

Why would you expect her to be there for all of it now that she has left home?

HoneyPablo · 29/10/2011 08:46

YABU
She is now an adult and you have no say in anything that she does. She is living her own life.

margerykemp · 29/10/2011 08:47

Why dont you invite her boyfriend to stay at your house?

I dont think she is being unreasonable to not come home during term time and to go away at nye but i would be concerned about her not really integrating into uni if shes away with bf all the time. Has she made new friennds?

bigTillyMint · 29/10/2011 08:49

YABU about the holidays
She has left home and is forging her own life, even if you don't like the way she is doing it. She sounds totally normal.
She is coming home for Christmas - enjoy that time together.

I was/am an only and when I went to Uni, I did not want to go back home as I was having so much fun. I never moved back home - are you hoping this will happen?

YANBU about the texting.
Texting while having a conversation (even if on Skype) is rude.

YANBU about not wanting to give her a lift back.
But it is part of being a mum to be the dogsbody, isn't it?Smile

Proudnscary · 29/10/2011 08:55

I think you are being totally unreasonable.

She's an adult and she has her own life now - she will 'come back to you' when she's at a different life stage. She is doing exactly what she would be doing! Of course she's spending money she doesn't have and being selfish, that's what students do - she'll learn that you can't live like this forever without consequences.

But of course don't give her a lift back at the crack of dawn if you don't want to! It works both ways and she can make her own way back.

My dh went home three times a year when he went to university (an hour's drive away!) - barely saw his parents for years. Now he and I are very close to them and see lots of them because we all choose to. I think it is largely because they put no pressure on him and let him be himself and do his own thing.

I think you need to let go.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 08:57

She has flown the nest-this is what DCs should do. Be pleased for her. A boyfriend is bound to come first. I would point out that texting while speaking is rude but apart from that I would leave it.
I always point out that parents need their own lives, you blink and childhood is over. You have a special part in her life, but you no longer come first. I would invite the boyfriend to stay and that way you see her. Also make your own relationship with the boyfriend.

DownbytheRiverside · 29/10/2011 08:57

You need to have an honest discussion with how about how you feel and , and that although she is now adult and free to make her own choices, so are you. That means she should have no expectations about lifts back to uni being automatically available.
How far away is she, that you have to get up at the crack of dawn to deliver her?
As I said on the other thread, my DD was surprised at the number of students who declared their intention of not going back home again, and a year later quite a few of them haven't done more than a weekend visit. Some not even that.
Do agree that texting someone else whilst talking to you is rude, have you told her that?

DownbytheRiverside · 29/10/2011 09:00

Are you and DH prone to arguing?
One of the reasons I love my OH is that he doesn't rant and rave. Unlike the family I was brought up in.
I like the peace, and the old-fashioned manners that he has. We have a very peaceful and happy Christmas.