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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at my daughter for vanishing for half of the christmas holidays?

76 replies

Alouette · 29/10/2011 01:04

first post, be very gentle with me!

i was just browsing through AIBU and i found this thread, and i'm kind of in a similar situation.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1330478-to-be-upset-with-my-DD-for-prioritising-time-with-her-boyfriend-over-family

basically, my only DD has just gone off for her first term at university and hasn't even spoken about coming back once when many of my friend's children the same age have popped back once or twice already! she is not far from home, and although i should be happy that i've raised a lovely, independant girl- she has visited her boyfriend for nearly half the weekends she's been at university. although i can't stop this :/ it's just very hurtful that when she's on skype to me, she's texting him- and that she doesn't want to come home, but she'll be happy to jump on a 3 hour train journey when he asks....angry/jealous

however, what has really annoyed me is that DD is home for christmas, but as soon as new years eve comes- she's booked a city break away (despite her being 'poor') and she'll be gone until the day before university term starts when she expects me and DH to get up at the crack of dawn and drive her back to university the next day.

alot has gone on back home since she left regarding the health of GPs and a few arguments between me and DH so surely i'm not being unreasonable to expect her to stay at home for the whole of the christmas holidays, when she clearly is not expecting to return home until then?

thoughts please. a bit upset :(

OP posts:
perceptionreality · 29/10/2011 12:33

YANBU to be upset and you can't help how you feel. But YABU to show that you are annoyed with her for spending her time as she sees fit, even if it's not what you want. Children don't owe their parents anything, and all you can do is support her choices.

My children are still young but I often think to myself that when they are all older I will have this to come! I hope I will be able to take my own advice.

Trills · 29/10/2011 12:39

Doesn't everyone do other things while on the phone? I know I do.

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 12:41

Yes Trills I just wish my toilet had a quieter flush [hblush]

mumblechum1 · 29/10/2011 12:44

We have an only, too, who'll be off to Uni in a couple of years.

I would rather he was off ski ing or otherwise having fun with his friends over Xmas than feeling obliged to be with us.

We'd happily go off and do our own thing over Xmas if we knew he had other plans.

kazmus · 29/10/2011 12:45

put it in perspective. My dd died last year aged 24, she will never come home for xmas, I would dearly love to have my other dd home for the whole period as there will be 2 empty chairs, but she has a life that I proudly brought her up to be living independently. How I long to have them both here, but I know my surviving daughter loves me and that's all that really counts.

BecauseImAWerewolefIt · 29/10/2011 12:46

I know how you feel - DS1 started university, and it's very hard to get anything out of him. He's been back home twice, but it's been very obvious that it's not to see us, which I have found difficult.

That said, it is about them taking their first real steps to independence, an enjoying it.

The fact that we are upset about it is our problem, and it is unfair to burden them with our demands.

So although I have huge sympathy for you, as well as empathy, Y(and me!)ABU.

Time for us to get on with our new lives as well.

waterrat · 29/10/2011 12:46

when I was at Uni I never even considered going home during term time - it's only half term, I'm surprised she has visited you at all! Of course it's sad to see her go.,....but YABU I'm afraid. YOu need to begin building a life where you expect to see a lot less of her - she is building an independent adult life. If she wants to go away for a break - fair enough, it's her holiday after all, she will be back studying after NY, she is entitled to have a trip. And - maybe she is poor, but students are irresponsible and live in the moment! Don't begrudge her that, it's such a fun and amazing time.

re. the boyfriend - there is absolutely nothing you can do about it - so please do not devote another second to worrying about it/ whether it's too intense - even if it is, it's her life, she has to make her own mistakes/ decisions/ learn from her own path....

HarlotOTara · 29/10/2011 12:50

I sympathise but it is part of growing up and relationships can be very intense at your dd's age. Love does sometimes mean the rest of life and other relationships fade for a while, patricularly parents who aren't really seen as people with feelings and lives of their own (or is that just my dc?). My dd is at university within an easy driving distance and sometimes I visit and take her out to lunch - can you do that? My dd is always happy to see me if she gets a free meal Grin.

However, as parents, we do need to let our kids go and explore the world, it does leave a bit of a hole but that is our problem not theirs. Imagine if she was at home with no friends, no boyfriend and no hope of getting a degree - would that be more worrying and painful?

Also, you do adjust to the separation honestly. Although I imagine if you have worries at home your dd being off elsewhere might be harder to bear.

suburbandream · 29/10/2011 12:57

She is having her first experience of real adult freedom - if you nag her or make her feel guilty she will just resent it and not want to come home! I went off to live in France after my A levels with barely a backward glance. Looking back it must have been really hard for my parents but they let me get on with it. Although I never lived at home much after that, I did come back for prolonged stays between jobs overseas and breakups, the last time I was 29 and living back home for 6 months Smile (my sister did the same up to the age of 35!). I'm just trying to say, be proud that she is independent and strong, you are clearly her priority since she is choosing to spend Xmas with you, its a bit unreasonable to expect her to spend the whole hols at home.

springydaffs · 29/10/2011 12:58

kazmus

springydaffs · 29/10/2011 13:22

and while I'm at it, what's with everyone minding our ps and qs because the poster is new? This is vicious AIBU after all. Are we giving a good first impression? Hmm

You are being VVVU to have posted this in AIBU and I am astonished you haven't been ripped to pieces OP. You say that you and DH have had some rows - this has nothing to do with your dd and I hope never has had anything to do with your dd? if she is keeping away because she is involved in things she shouldn't be involved in re your marriage then she is being sensible, unlike her mother.

However, I suspect she is being a normal young woman and is having a ball and doesn't want to be at home with boring parents - why should she? I am alarmed at your protestations though, as though she is your buddy; that at 18 you have made no steps at all towards recognising she is her own person. That should have been apparent from at least 16 onwards, if not before.

Relationships forum in future OP.

SugarPasteZombie · 29/10/2011 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 13:24

So sorry kazmus. It does put it all in perspective.

BecauseImAWerewolefIt · 29/10/2011 13:28

kazmus - I am very sorry for your loss. You have posted about it before, and it must be heart-breaking. I don't know how I would deal with it if it happened to me Sad

But, and I'm sorry if this sounds hurtful, your post doesn't really help the OP in her dilemma, does it? If anything, it will only make her feel worse.

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 29/10/2011 13:33

Echoing a lot of the comments on here, I think YABU. I was in exactly the same boat when I was 18 having just started university. I missed my DP (now soon to be DH) sooooo much. I figured as long as I was at home for a week or so, covered all the family visits, NYE was our time to reunite.

Didn't stop my mum being a bit miffed though.

springydaffs · 29/10/2011 13:38

she should feel worse imo - her dd should not be her emotional prop on any level.

Kazmus's observations are entirely relevant jobcar in that she, with broken heart, does not expect her other dd to make up the agonisingly empty space her daughter left (when she could be excused for not being able to help herself)

springydaffs · 29/10/2011 13:39

sorry, werewolef

BecauseImAWerewolefIt · 29/10/2011 13:43

Oh wow, springydaffs - what's eating you today? Why on earth are you wishing the OP to feel any worse?

springydaffs · 29/10/2011 13:48

I think I said it werewolef - her dd should not be her emotional prop on any level. She posts on AIBU saying 'please be gentle with me' - like putting her head in a lion's mouth and asking it to purr (which everybody seems to be doing, which is disconcerting tbh)

Maybe Im having an evil day. Or maybe I see red when a parent expects their child to fill the parent's emotional spaces.

BecauseImAWerewolefIt · 29/10/2011 13:50

Yes, I think you've made that very clear! But how about a little bit of sympathy? It is a hard position to find yourself in after 18 years or so of a different kind of relationship.

springydaffs · 29/10/2011 14:07

It shoudn't have been like that for 18 years. 12, maybe 14, possibly (?). But not 18.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2011 15:10

I think that kazmus does help-OP has a loving, well adjusted adult DD who sees her regularly. She just has to get used to the fact that she has done her job well and is no longer number 1. DD is getting on with her life and OP has one that she can get on with and they can enjoy each others company when they do get together. Any young woman in love is going to want to see the boyfriend before the mother!

Original poster
Alouette · 30/10/2011 14:14

thanks for all your help :)

OP posts:
spiderpig8 · 30/10/2011 14:31

The harder you try to keep hold of her the harder she'll struggle to get free.You just have to bite your lip, and be there for her if this relationship ends.

brighthair · 30/10/2011 15:02

Can you meet up with her for a day - or even her and boyf? I remember being at Uni and my parents taking me and my boyf to the Christmas markets. It really sticks with me as it was such a lovely day. I didn't go home much in fact I lived at Uni over the holidays. Now at 27 I spend more time with my parents - dad visiting this week, off with them to Liverpool soon and a trip to London with them next year