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Original poster

Was I BU to say "ok, goodnight" to "depressed" ex?

34 replies

HullEnzia · 29/10/2011 00:56

Ex has been an ex for over 4 years now and not even seen him in 4 years as he lives in another city. He contacted me over facebook about 6 months ago and sends the odd message every now and again - usually about how down and depressed he is, how he desperately wants a girlfriend but will never, ever get on because he's such a loser and he's so down about everything blah blah - I was VERY sympathetic at first but this person has ALWAYS been selfish in that he loves to drone on and on about his own problems but if anyone else has problems he doesn't want to know.
Example: him - "hi, how are you?" me - "a bit stressed, how are you?" him - "YOU'RE stressed?? ha what do YOU have to be stressed about!? you have it made!" he's single, good job, lives with parents still so hardly any bills, no ties, free as a bird - I'm a single parent, uni full time, rented house to pay for etc etc but yeah - I've got it made Hmm

But as I say, usually I'm sympathetic and listen like a knobhead while he drones on and on. Tonight however I just couldn't be arsed. We ALL have problems for fucks sake.

So he sends me a message saying: "How are you?" I sent one back saying "good ta, hows you?" (lie, I actually have tonsilities and feel shocking but didn't want to get into the "who's worse off competition" again. So he replies "oh really, really bad. Absolutely shit. I hate my job, I have no friends, I'm never going to meet anyone, if I wasn't here nobody would even notice."

I was just about to reply with the usual "there there dear" response and he added "oh forget it, I'm going to bed". At this point I'd normally start up my councelling pitch but tonight I simply said "ok, night".

Feel a tad concious that if he IS that down and did something to himself it would kinda be my fault? but I'm sick of his fucking whining, I really am.

OP posts:
Tommy · 29/10/2011 00:59

if he "did someting to himself" (and I'm thinking you mean took his own life?) it would be his fault - definitely not yours

He's your ex - not your responsibility.

May sound selfish but it's true

blackeyedsusan · 29/10/2011 01:01

it would not be your fault if he did something. he is responsible for his own actions and has his parents on hand to keep an eye on him.

Dee03 · 29/10/2011 01:08

You have nothing to feel bad about....and he isn't going to do anything silly to himself either....he does sound depressed but tbh it's not your problem anymore...
You sound lovely but in my opinion you need to toughen up with him and his self pity....like you said we all have shit to deal with. Smile

belledechocchipcookie · 29/10/2011 01:11

Do we share the same friend? Grin I ditched mine. I decided there was nothing I could do and he was dragging me down so I cut off all contact and unfriended him on facebook. He just wanted someone to feel sorry for him, someone to 'mother' him, someone to moan to and that wasn't going to be me. You can't help some people, they need therapy.

troisgarcons · 29/10/2011 06:50

Unless you share a child - unfriend him, people like that just suck you down.

Dozer · 29/10/2011 06:56

Why are you even in touch with this person? If he's not your dc's father then wouldn't message him at all, sounds like a loser.

colken · 29/10/2011 06:58

If he has no friends etc, could he be trying to get you back but going the wrong way about it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2011 07:26

YANBU to drop contact. FWIW he doesn't sound depressed in the clinical sense, he sounds unhappy, bored and lonely - the type that think they get someone's affection by making them feel sorry for them. You are not responsible for his happiness and, unless you are a trained counsellor/doctor, you can't help if he needs therapy or medication. 'Creaking gates' are usually content to creak rather than end it all so, if he contacts you again, keep it brief and, if all else fails, suggest he gets in touch with a doctor, health professional or the Samaritans.

Thistledew · 29/10/2011 09:00

I had an ex like that. He used his general misery in life and issues from his crappy childhood as a very powerful tool to manipulate me throughout our relationship. He refused to get any external help for his feelings. After we split, he contacted me saying how lonely he was, how he was finding it hard to find work, how everything in his life was shit etc etc.

It actually felt like a physical weight lifting from my shoulders when I realised it was not my problem and that I did not have to do anything to 'help' him.

Your relationship with your ex is over. It is not the same as having a long term friend who you might want to support through a rough patch. You stopped having any duty to listen to his woes when you broke up.

Flisspaps · 29/10/2011 09:02

De-friend.

He's an ex for a reason.

If he's such a miserable, whingy drain on you from a distance, I can't see what you possibly get out of maintaining a friendship with him (even just an online one)

DoMeDon · 29/10/2011 09:07

I'm all for being there for people but I would de-friend him too. There is no purpose to your friendship - he is using you to pep him up. Also people commit suicide if they choose to, not because you say 'nuh-night'

Selks · 29/10/2011 09:11

Do him a favour and point out to him that he talks only about himself and does not listen to anyone else's difficulties, and that he's being self-centred.

Or if you can't be arsed, de-friend him.

Proudnscary · 29/10/2011 09:24

Oh god don't feel guilty, just cut him out of your life and stop engaging. I bet he has dozens of others he drones on to.

KoPo · 29/10/2011 10:50

To put in bluntly the Ex sounds emotionally stunted and an utter PITA. Good on you for cutting him short, keep doing that and hopefully he will learn to not pester you with his self absorbed whining.

Agree with other posters here. Just cut him out completely, no one wants a negative person like that bugging them constantly.

EllaDee · 29/10/2011 10:54

YANBU at all.

He sounds like a self-absorbed prat using you as a source of emotional support.

If he rings again I'd say 'You are being very demanding and I'm frankly exhausted - I can't take it any more'. Then put the phone down.

belledechocchipcookie · 29/10/2011 11:48

He has all the grace of a human dementor, dear. I think everyone's in agreement; put yourself first and ditch him. Wink

duvetdayplease · 29/10/2011 11:52

Think everything pertinent has been said already. OP, you are in no way responsible for how he feels.

Original poster
HullEnzia · 29/10/2011 12:21

Thanks everyone. He does my bloody head in, he was like this when we were together:

HIM - "oh my god I'm so depressed I never have any money and I'm in so much debt I just can't take it anymore."

ME - "I know how you feel - I'm .... "

HIM - "you don't know how I feel at all, your situation is nowhere near as bad as mine!"

(he was working full time and living with parents paying no rent etc, I was single parent on income support paying off debts from 10 bloody years ago but no, he was worse worse off)

a few days later -

HIM - "guess what!! I've just got myself the new xbox 360 with the full entertainment pack!! only cost £450 quick, that's for nowt that!! couldn't turn that down, a complete steal!"

Hmm

He's always been like it. Sympathy can only go so far. This was 4 years ago. Last week he told me he was skint, can never afford anything, what's the point in working when he can never buy luxuries etc etc - next day "oo I've just bought myself an Omega watch!! only cost £2,000 - it had £200 knocked off!!"

oh fuck off.

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 29/10/2011 13:26

YWNBU.

He's an emotional leech and you're best off getting rid.

If you think he's generally a nice enough bloke, then tell him exactly why you're getting rid; that way he's got a chance of changing his ways and keeping friendships in the future.

If you think he's just a twat at heart, just drop him without explaining.

If he tops himself, it's not your fault or your problem.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2011 13:40

This guy has 'oxygen thief' written all over him. How immature can you get? No wonder you dropped him :) Just because he's got no friends, you do not have to fill the role of Mother Confessor. Stay cordial if you have children together, keep conversations as short as possible rather than giving him too much air-time, but otherwise give him a wide berth & get on with your life your way.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 29/10/2011 14:52

Just unfriend him and don't take his calls. You owe him nothing.

Onemorning · 29/10/2011 16:40

YANBU

MoaninMinny · 29/10/2011 18:24

i cant be doing with woe is me people, or people who love competitive misery

i just block them and ignore

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 29/10/2011 18:38

What MoaningMinny said.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 29/10/2011 18:39

OOps. I gave you a G.

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