To feel utter relief as we drove away but utterly ashamed that i was unable to cope with the majority of this week?

[gigglepin]

Just got back from a holiday with my lovely friend, her dh, her dd(4) and ds (9) who has ADDHD, and is undergoing assessment to confirm that he has AS.
Me ds(8) & dh.

The week has been the MOST stressful and eye opening that i have had in a long time...GOD Only knows how they cope day to day.
In my defence, i have no experience of children with this kind of thing, i had some idea of his personality, but this did not prepare me for what was to come.
Im shattered, and feel so sorry for my friends.
We did stuff separately as she suggested that we would need a break and some quiet time (WTF< poor love, it was her that needed a break and quiet time!!)
We took kids off to the park to give them a break, but while we were all together indoors, it was so difficult.

How on earth do people do it, and do it SO well?
Vodka came into the equasion a few times, and lots of soothing chocolate.
Its just so dominating, every decision, everything said and every discussion is carefully thought out with my friends ds in mind.

phew, appologies, i dont want to offend any one, just wanted to talk about it thats all.

I get where you're coming from and I don't blame you for finding it hard. The thing to remember is that he is your friend's son so she feels the same way about him as you feel about your ds - she would move heaven and earth to make life better for him. Chances are she finds it very hard too but by now she is used to it and her mind it switched on to dealing with it. Add to that her love for him and it will be second nature to her.

Now that you know how hard it is, would it be possible for you to look after him for a little while now and again? I know it might seem daunting after the experience you have had but it would be a huge kindness for your friend.

Oh and did you tell your friend how much you admire her?

So now you know, can I respectfully suggest you do what you can to share this with wider society, the Daily Mail's next article about how 'twenty million naughty child syndrome families have been given free motability cars' would be a good place to start .

I would but she has tons of support from her mum, she has him allot, also he isnt keen leaving where he knows, hence the difficulties while away on holiday.

CailinDana you explain it very well, thank you. I understand how she feels for him, i dont understand his behaviour...BUT she tried to educate me about it and that made things much easier admittedly.
She shouldnt HAVE to take time to do all that she does plus explain to me as i sit bewildered and open mouthed in the centre of the storm..bless her.

Make her week and tell her what you've just posted.

Parents of ADHD children rarely hear praise about their efforts.

YANBU, but I agree with the above. Did you tell her how wonderful she is? Are you in a position to offer some respite (if she wants it)?

It is hard. My DS has AS.

Friends see him for an hour on a good day and have NO idea what our family deals with day in, day out. Your friend is very brave! I wouldn't dream of going on holiday with another family unless they also had children on the spectrum, to be honest. Nobody can really understand the levels of patience and understanding needed unless they have been there, although you do sound like you are trying to understand and are a lovely and supportive friend, OP.

I feel a bit teary now. Had a hard week with DS off over half term

Should say, my DS has a diagnosis of AS but strong ADHD traits.

Yes it will make her week. My family and DH's see what we have to do all the time and it's never said. And while we're praising people you sound bloody lovely yourself

She shouldnt HAVE to take time to do all that she does plus explain to me as i sit bewildered and open mouthed in the centre of the storm...

can you just laminate that one for the next time someone claims that the mother of an SN child is the source of all evil for responding angrily to a disablist-bashing thread while you're at it? - seriously, I'm not having a go, but hopefully now your eyes will also be opened to how much disabled bashing goes on...

I imagine they take a holiday in the hope their daughter will have a good time - I'm sure it's worse for the rest of them than being at home.

You were thrown in the deep end, whereas this was just another day for them - I'm sure that before she had her son she would have felt she couldn't cope, either.

Is there any medication he can take for ADHD? Of course I realise you say he may have Asperger's, too.

My son is the other way around. He has ADHD but with some AS traits.

WilsonFrickett I agree. I hope someone from the Daily mail or whoever read this thread and can see what its like day after day for the parents/carers of children of ADHD/ AS.

Wishful thinking I think though

I should take it as a massive compliment to you and yours that she was happy to go on holiday with you. My family had some tough times and I can count on the fingers of less than one hand the people I would have been comfortable enough to let see us as we really were at that time.

You should definitely let her know how much you admire her, its a tough job to do and sometimes I'm sure it feels like it goes unnoticed.

It is stressful but it may also be a case of that is her normal, believe it or not, my ds has only been diagnosed with ASD ADHD and DAMP this week and one of my thoughts was omg, how am I going to cope with ADHD as well, of course I already am, he is my normal.

Knowing how her life is, it would be nice of you to take her daughter out for days etc if you can. It can be very draining for the siblings as well as the parents.

Hmmmm,i had no concept of "disability bashing" tbh. So cant help you there.

We have had long and in depth discussions about his needs, his little ways and the ground rules.
We have been away with them loads before BUT her ds usually goes away with his grandparents so we havent been with him. This was our 1st time.

We had periods of chaos, noise, agression, arguments, screaming abdabs and it felt like 98% of the time was filled with some kind of anger, BUT and this is a huge BUT we had moments of exsquisite tenderness, fun and sweet kindness from him, that was the best thing, it makes me want to cry as i type.
Just lovely. He is recieving all the support and care from school, family and becuase of this, needs no medication.
By eck, life is very full for them!

You've described it so well, OP, but I'm not sure support and care are the only things that help ADHD.

gigglepin wasn't sure what to expect from the title of your OP. However as the parent of a child with AS 'tis the nicest thing I've read on AIBU in ages, especially on a Friday! What are you doing for your next hols... [hgrin]

I know nothing about what ADHD entails on a daily basis. Would you share some examples from your week?

I believe what everyone is saying on here but am finding it hard to picture as I don't know what the behaviour is like.

I think people mentioning the Mail (and the trickly Gove) have a very good point.
There have been a number of insinuations made in the press over the last few months re. 'naughty children', teachers 'failing' with SEN children, the 'unacceptable' numbers giving schools extra funding, TAs not being necessary. At the same time, support services are in the process of being culled.

Bad things are afoot.

Balsam, my DS has Asperger's Syndrome but if we had wanted to pursue an ADHD diagnosis I think we would have got one (as it is, we don't want to go down the medication route and feel like the professional support he receives addresses the ADHD aspects of his behaviour anyway..)

But I digress...

A 'typical' day for us sounds a lot like the OP's experience of her friend's boy on holiday. For my DS, very small 'normal' aspects of life can be extremely difficult, stressful and frustrating for him and there is a lot of explosive anger, a lot of confrontation and a lot of 'silly' behaviour - running away in public places, jumping about / fidgeting / not listening / avoiding eye contact. Just getting him to brush his teeth in the morning can be an epic battle, and we have to follow very careful routines.

He is poor at reading the normal social cues we all take for granted, and so finds everyday social interaction (say sitting at a table at dinner time and talking/eating in a relaxed manner, or playing with other children in a fairly co-operative way) extremely difficult. He often lashes out at other children. He is very intent on doing what he wants to do in his own way - he cannot accept the word 'No'. He finds taking instruction or any kind of authority very hard (and I mean he finds it HARD - sometimes he can do it, but it is almost like it physically and mentally HURTS him). His emotions are extreme and immature, even for his young age (nearly 7). He gets very paranoid that people dont like him. he is quite self-pitying - often thinks 'the way things are' is extremely unfair and that the world is against him. He has extreme feelings of jealousy and a LOT of anger that he struggles to cope with. I could go on and on, but think I am painting a picture .

He survived for one year in a mainstream school. During that year he was excluded ten times, scaled a twelve feet wall in order to try to escape from school, was incapable of 'joining in' in an environment of 30 kids in a classroom and became a shadow of his former self. It was heartbreaking to watch, and the worst year of my life. It has affected everything in our lives. I had to give up my previous career and we have all had to rethink and restructure our lifestyles in order to support DS and not to have mental breakdowns ourselves!

He now attends a specialist unit for children with ASC and things are a lot better, but there are still very challenging days.

He is also, I might add, one of the funniest, sweetest little boys you could ever meet. He is EXTREMELY bright, very perceptive, can be incredibly kind and sensitive, but his poor social communication skills mean that he often cannot achieve the sort of behaviour people expect of him and when that happens, he is aware that 'something is wrong' and a black mist descends.

Sorry for the essay. I just thought I would try to explain what it is like for him and for us! I have to say, though, that having an autistic/ADHD child has made me a much, much stronger, kinder, better person and I have met some amazing friends (other parents of ASC children).

End of essay

OK Balsam, it varies from child to child but our day goes something like this...

Get up at 5-30 so I have 1/2 hour on my own in peace and quiet (you'll see why)
bang on 6am, ds will wake up, jump out of bed and onto anything I forgot to put away the night before, resulting in breakages/injuries.

Comfort said 8 year old for the 30 seconds before he realises he's hungry,

Try get down there before him, get him to the table and not in the cupboard, argue/discuss what to have for breakfast, try to avoid tantrums because i've run out of jam/juice/air/patience...basically anything he wants at the time, even if not invented.

Stop him from running upstairs to wake DD who needs her sleep. get him dressed. Tell him to get dressed again (repeat x 7), take him upstairs to get dressed as he is now in batman costume and not in clothes/uniform.

Try to get yourself ready while answering a million and 1 weird, odd, repetitive questions and to stop him from flooding the bathroom (trying to wash the floor/toys/bath/spiders).

Clean his room, put away toys, make note of yet another hole in wall/celing/curtain.

Avoid more tantrums as trying to clean up and throw away dangerous broken parts of toys.

Try to think of something to do to tire him out/keep him entertained/keep DD happy and how much it will cost.

Answer more impossible questions about starwars, trains, bins, rubbish, lego etc etc etc

Try to get out of door in time, try to find shoes, try to avaoid another meltdown because he cant find his shoes/doesnt want them/cant find welly boots.

Remember that he's forgotten his medication which means the days is going to be down right awful.

Get to tram/bus stop without injury, falling over, narrowly getting hit by cars in the time it takes me to blink. Try to get him to remember his manners, control your own temper and try not to take it out on DD or some other poor sod who steps into fireing line.

Do shopping and put more stuff back onto shelves than you take off, argue/discuss/bribe children into behaving/keeping quiet.

Ignore comments and looks and remarks of "control your fucking child", "bad parent", "why dont you do xxxxxxxxx" from strangers. Explain to DD what several expletives are because she's heard them from other people shouting them to us while ds has yet another meltdown over something/runs around/accidently bumps into/breaks something/shouts/cries.

get home as soon as possible

send kids out into garden, making sure they are safe, warm etc. put shopping away and go outside to supervise adhd child because he just doesnt think and gets overexcited. supply drinks/snacks for neighbourhood children/kick them out of garden for whinging about ds who nine times out of ten has done nothing/wasnt there but is getting the blame for something anyway.

Do dinner, ignore another shouting match/argument because dinner isnt right/beans are touching/it's not pizza/it's not metal with ketchup.

Run bath, struggle to physically get him into bath while being punched, bitten, poked and tickled. Repeat 20 minutes later to get him out. DD get's in and relaxes.

Get ds dressed, read story, try to prevent another shouting/argument because he wants another story. Turn light out, close door, turn off power to his room (re-wired house because he shorted out the house 3 times, set fire to light twice and electrocuted himself once)

Make sure DD is ok, talk to her, make sure she is ok.

Sit on my own bed with door open, ignoring screams, shouts and hearing toys being broken/thrown until he is asleep (anything from 30 minutes to 5 hours), get off bed, sneak into his room, tidy up, make sure nothing in his bed to hurt himself on, windows still locked, tuck him in, vow to have more patience the next day.

Think about going downstairs for a cuppa, decide you cant be botherd and go to bed yourself for few hours.

He's 8.

Oh molepam, that all sounds horribly familiar!

On the upside....

He's funny, his imagination is fantastic!, the stuff he says and does just catches you off guard, he's loving, realises he does stupid things almost right after he's done them and will apologise, he has boundless energy, gets on really well with other children on the spectrum, has a fantasic appetite, can fix almost anything electrical, his maths is amazing as is his physics and logic.

Everyday he does something that surprises me, wether its something he's said, remembered, done or thought about. Even his speech and reading catches me out sometimes.

I've laughed more with him than I have with every other NT child I have ever met. Even DD says that although he's annoying and doesnt listen, he's more fun than other kids his age because he just doesnt care and will pretend to be a baby or a cat or a donkey with invisibility super powers.

It's these little things that he does everyday that makes the rest of the day (in previous post) all worthwhile.

It's exhausting, challenging and stressful but very rewarding.

Do you know what the weirdest thing is about it all?

I wouldnt change it for a second. Those rare time I get on my own (he's currently rolling about on the living room floor at my feet) and think about it, he never fails to make me laugh or even his teachers.