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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to HATE having to smile along when DS is discussing his forthcoming 'new mum'?

45 replies

denada · 28/10/2011 15:15

DS's dad left when I was pregnant. It wasn't much of a relationship TBH. I was 20, he was 30, it was all a bit unhealthy. I am glad we broke up when we did and I think I did a good job of being a single mum. Married DH when DS was 5, he's the only live-in father DS has ever known and he calls him Daddy. He's 11 now.

X didn't want to know until I got married. He's now pretty involved - the 'usual', one evening a week and every other weekend. All the fun stuff Hmm He doesn't like me and takes great pains to make it clear that he doesn't like me. He sends me sneery emails, he says sneery things about our home to DS, he is patronising and unkind when we're around each other. I keep it light and cheerful and DH does most of the handovers. But I have to bite my tongue/sit on my hands quite a lot.

He's been dating a girl for a few months - she seems nice, it's his second serious relationship since he came back into DS's life. He moved her in last month and now DS has come home saying they are getting married. Brilliant, I am truly pleased, especially as she seems to genuinely like DS.

But DS keeps saying stuff, all innocent, like "it's going to be so cool to have two dads and two mums", and "I can't wait to tell people at school that my new mum works for nintendo" (she doesn't but does have a similar 'cool' job), and "I might get some new brothers and sisters".

I am smiling. I am being enthusiastic. I am saying "yes DS that is totally brilliant" with genuine excitement. When DS said "XP says you only invited him to your wedding because it was near his house so he isn't going to invite you to his", I said that no that wasn't why he was invited but that he could invite whoever he wanted of course. I'm doing pretty well all things considered.

But this 'new mum' stuff is killing me. She's been around for less than a year. She barely knows him, nor he her. I am so glad he's happy about this and doesn't feel pushed out, but 'new mum' - argh!

I can't say anything to DS of course so I thought I'd get it out here. I am Sad though - DH and I have done the grunt work of parenting and XP and 'new mum' are getting all the glory, with their bigger house and better activities and oh I hate it I hate it.

AIBU? Oh I know I am. But can anyone relate?

OP posts:
ggirl · 28/10/2011 15:19

oh yanbu for the way you feel but you deserve a big fat gold medal for being a brilliant mum!!!
by keeping it easy for your ds to be positive
honestly I have seen so many cases when the mum is badmouthing the ex , it's never good for the child
well done and have a moan on here...you deserve it

Dawndonna · 28/10/2011 15:22

I used to get this, when he was eight and nine. When he was 14 and 15 he realised who attended every sports event, every parents evening etc.
He came into a bit of money when he was eighteen. First thing he did, went and bought Dh a big, very special pressie, handed it over and said: 'Thanks for being my Dad'
X wasn't over the moon, but you reap what you sow.
It sorts, honestly, but yes, it's horrid, horrid, horrid at the time.
He's 27 now. X is his mate. Dh is his Dad.

HazleNutt · 28/10/2011 15:22

YANBU to feel like that but surely he is just excited and it's nice that he gets along with her. My friend's DD is referring to mum's boyfriend as her new dad and they have been going out for a couple of months only.

jesuswhatnext · 28/10/2011 15:23

make friends with the woman! your son will be over the moon, you will get to know the woman who will be an influence on your son for years to come AND IT WILL PISS OFF YOUR EX! Grin btw, you are doing a great job and however much ds 'likes' her, he will never love her like he does you! Smile

Catsdontcare · 28/10/2011 15:24

Yanbu but you are a really lovely mum and your ds will understand and appreciate that as he gets older. Keep playing the long game!

luckyrocketshipunderpants · 28/10/2011 15:25

YANBU for feeling irritated by the whole situation- your XP sounds like quite a git. But the main thing is your son is happy and it sounds like you're doing a great job rising above it and being positive in front of him.

One day the novelty of "new mum" will have worn off- and you'll still (and always will be) his adored, constant mother, who was always there for him even when XP dad was not.

noir · 28/10/2011 15:25

You are not being AT ALL unreasonable you lovely lovely lady! Its sounds like you are being very accepting and gracious about the whole situation (whilst xp is being a bit juvenile).

Of course it is going to hurt to hearing DS talk about his 'new mum'.. but you have to remember it is just words, DS wont feel anything near for her what he feels for you. He also won't realise the gravity of what he's saying, he may well realise as he gets older and will feel mortified, but for now he's just a little boy who is not quite aware of the power of his words.

skinnymuffin · 28/10/2011 15:26

No no no! YABVVV reasonable :)

As far as ds is concerned, you are delighted for him. That is the only thing that matters. You are his mum and he will always always love you. He will form new relationships with people all through his life, new friends, colleagues, partners, spouse etc etc. This is just another one of those.

No one can, or ever will, replace the amazing and utterly unique relationship he has with you.

From one stranger to another, you sound like a fantastic mum to me. Good for you. :)

Tryharder · 28/10/2011 15:27

WTF? This woman is not his new mum. She is his stepmum. I don't think you will come across as bitter or unfriendly if that is gently pointed out to your son.

You should be having words with your XP as well just to make sure he is aware of how lucky he is to have a friendly and accommodating co-parent such as yourself. Smile

AnnieLobeseder · 28/10/2011 15:27

OP, you are a saint!! It must be killing you but you're amazing to keep it light and happy for your son's sake. Sadly, there's not much you can do but come on here to rant about it.

Original poster
denada · 28/10/2011 15:29

Aw thanks guys. I am being super friendly to her but it's hard as I only see her at handovers really, when X is there being sneery. And she'll have heard a lot about how awful I am (that's what happened with the previous gf).

I am always very very nice though. Why not - IF X turns out to be a wanker to her as well (I genuinely hope he isn't and has changed with age), she might need a friend who 'gets it'.

I am so happy DS likes her and is fine with the situation but I think I am jealous! It's the same sort of feeling, anyway. I'm getting the strops and the demanding things I can't provide (he hasn't started saying "but X lets me...." yet. But it's coming), and the arguments over homework and...

oh I do sound horrible and petty. It is very important to me that DS never hears a bad thing about X or X's partners from me or DH. My parents (who are still together but shouldn't be iyswim), always involved me in their rows and dramas and I hated it.

Thanks for letting me whinge! I've heard nothing but "new mum" all half term and my face is hurting from the BIG SMILES.

OP posts:
TheyCallMeKipper · 28/10/2011 15:29

Actually I think yanbu at all, and you are doing a fabulous job. I'm hugely impressed by how you are handling this. Your feelings are entirely natural and normal; rant away on here but be really proud of yourself.

thunderboltsandlightning · 28/10/2011 15:30

He's probably been told the "new mum" thing by his dad, so he's just repeating it. Also, it's a lot to take in, which is probably why he's talking about it a lot. His feelings might not all be positive but he may feel that that's how he has to present them to everybody.

Don't take it too much to heart. Try to think about it from his terms, which is that it's a big upheaval.

DogsBeastFiend · 28/10/2011 15:32

Personally I wouldn't have any of it and would correct my child each time, reminding her that the wife to be is not a "new mum" but merely her father's partner/spouse and that she will only EVER have one mummy.

I appreciate that it's not your way of handling the situation just as much as I do the fact that so many will disagree with me. Each to their own of course but unless you're willing to do as I would there's nothing you can do really but grin and bear it.

perceptionreality · 28/10/2011 15:33

Your ex-husband is a selfish pig for putting his own feelings above what is best for his son. Sneering at your house? And all the other nastiness?? I think you have the patience of a saint so far, no wonder you hate smiling along!

He has no right to say poisonous things about you. Children feel insecure when they hear one parent bitching about the other.

RedHelenB · 28/10/2011 15:34

I think you are being unreasonable given that he is calling his step dad, "daddy".
His dad may be a total arse but he is dad & i think it might have been easier for your present husband to be known by as different name.

DogsBeastFiend · 28/10/2011 15:37

RedHelen the difference is that the Stepfather has brought the lad up from since the boy was an infant - the father wasn't even around up until then.

Catsdontcare · 28/10/2011 15:37

Problem with saying he only has one mum is to leave it wide open for his stepdad to be told you're not my real dad I only have one dad. I understand though it would kill to think of my dc calling someone else mum

LoveInAColdGrave · 28/10/2011 15:37

OP, you are a saint. Well done for being so lovely in a horrible situation.

Original poster
denada · 28/10/2011 15:37

I don't want to labour the "she's not your mum she's your stepmum", because he thinks of DH as his "daddy" and I don't want to muddy that particular water and have him start thinking of him as "stepdad". I know that's what DH is technically but he's far more of a 'real' dad than X is iykwim. DS calls X by his first name but refers to him as his 'other dad' in conversation generally. He does understand the difference between biological parents and step/etc parents.

I had a massive go at X when DS came home really sad because he'd been told that DD was his "half" sister. Could've killed X, it confused DS (who was much younger), and it feels a bit hypocritical to push the 'stepmum' angle in that context, especially as I'd never say that any kids she and X have are less than siblings.

OP posts:
MrsMooo · 28/10/2011 15:38

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV reasonable, and such a good Mum by being so enthusiastic.

I aslo think you are being wonderful to remain nice and your son will thank you for it when he's older.

Because he calls your DH Dad I think you may have to continue to bite the bullet about her being his new Mum, because you can guarentee it will become an issue and your Ex will start insisting your DH is step-Dad if she's step-mum iyswim

You are and will always be his mum, it's a wonderful example that you are able to be so calm and work at having a "blended" family set up for your DS.

It's natural to be jealous and you're doing a fab job of not showing it, hopefully you and exP's new wife can be friends - my mum and step mum are great friends and it is really such a lovely thing that they get on

Catsdontcare · 28/10/2011 15:40

True dogsbeastfiend but should an 11 year old boys mind be troubled with those things.

Original poster
denada · 28/10/2011 15:40

crossposted! But yes. RedHelen DS chose to call DH Daddy. DH has been around since he was barely walking, X was nowhere to be seen (apart from the occasional visit/present), for years. Insisting DS called DH something else would've felt cruel to him and insulting to DH, who has been a 'real' daddy in every sense.

So I am not going to pull DS up on it in either direction. I know 'mum' is just a word but it was always MY title, just mine, you know? I know I'll always be the real one. But hearing him use it for someone else feels weird and wrong, when she's such a newcomer to DS's life.

Smile smile smile!

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 28/10/2011 15:42

I'm with dog and I can't quite understand why an 11 year old would even say that?? I could undertand t from a three, four, or five year old...but an 11 year old knows she's not his Mum!

Is it possible he's trying to work it all out? Maybe he wants you to say she's not his Mum?

HerdOfTinyElephants · 28/10/2011 15:42

As he grows up your DS will be very aware of the contrast between how you talk about X and his family and how X talks about you and your family -- and the comparison will not be in X's favour.