to HATE having to smile along when DS is discussing his forthcoming 'new mum'?

[denada]

DS's dad left when I was pregnant. It wasn't much of a relationship TBH. I was 20, he was 30, it was all a bit unhealthy. I am glad we broke up when we did and I think I did a good job of being a single mum. Married DH when DS was 5, he's the only live-in father DS has ever known and he calls him Daddy. He's 11 now.

X didn't want to know until I got married. He's now pretty involved - the 'usual', one evening a week and every other weekend. All the fun stuff He doesn't like me and takes great pains to make it clear that he doesn't like me. He sends me sneery emails, he says sneery things about our home to DS, he is patronising and unkind when we're around each other. I keep it light and cheerful and DH does most of the handovers. But I have to bite my tongue/sit on my hands quite a lot.

He's been dating a girl for a few months - she seems nice, it's his second serious relationship since he came back into DS's life. He moved her in last month and now DS has come home saying they are getting married. Brilliant, I am truly pleased, especially as she seems to genuinely like DS.

But DS keeps saying stuff, all innocent, like "it's going to be so cool to have two dads and two mums", and "I can't wait to tell people at school that my new mum works for nintendo" (she doesn't but does have a similar 'cool' job), and "I might get some new brothers and sisters".

I am smiling. I am being enthusiastic. I am saying "yes DS that is totally brilliant" with genuine excitement. When DS said "XP says you only invited him to your wedding because it was near his house so he isn't going to invite you to his", I said that no that wasn't why he was invited but that he could invite whoever he wanted of course. I'm doing pretty well all things considered.

But this 'new mum' stuff is killing me. She's been around for less than a year. She barely knows him, nor he her. I am so glad he's happy about this and doesn't feel pushed out, but 'new mum' - argh!

I can't say anything to DS of course so I thought I'd get it out here. I am though - DH and I have done the grunt work of parenting and XP and 'new mum' are getting all the glory, with their bigger house and better activities and oh I hate it I hate it.

AIBU? Oh I know I am. But can anyone relate?

X posted. :) I would take the view that:

A. My insistance that new woman is not mum and my DC only has one has sweet FA to do with either my ex or to do with the relationship which my child enjoys with my husband, whom he calles Daddy.

B. My child lives with me - so I call the shots.

C. That my ex was not part of my child's life for the DCs early years so lost the "right" to be viewed as or even called Dad years ago unless the child wished to do so.

D. That my DH had more than earned the blessing of being called Daddy.

E. That 11 is perfectly old enough to know that although DH isn't his real dad he has earned the title and deserves it far more than the real father and that he should respect that fact.

In short, I'd be telling the ex to do one!

ETA - I'd be telling the ex and his wife to be to do one! She will never be DSs mum and ex is unlikely to ever earn back the status of dad which he pissed away years ago... and by god they'd both be told it in no uncertain terms if I were you!

All power to you missus, I admire your cool. :)

Wait until his 'new mum' gets pregnant... the novelty will soon wear off for all involved... and his real mum and dad (your dh) will still be around for him as you always have been.

And quality time is a myth... fact (picking up on your concern that his dad has the big house, fun activities - does not maketh a better parent, whos around when your son gets sick?). Its the people who stick with you through thick and thin that really matter.

Is your ex on the birth certificate and does he have PR? If not then he ought to be aware that he sees your child because you allow it, not because he has an automatic right to. I'd be very wary of the sneery comments, if made in front of your child. Imo, it is better for a child to not see his nrp than to witness him constantly criticise you and run down your home.

Does your ex pay child support? If not then it's time he was. He shouldn't get away with doing all the nice stuff but none of the 'real' parenting. If he wants to play at being daddy, then he shouldn't get to cherry pick, so if he isn't paying child support then perhaps it's time to sort that.

I'm not suggesting that you stop your ds from seeing his father but a warning shot across the boughs wrt the snide comments might not go amiss. Something along the lines of 'appropriate behaviour in front of ds or there will only be supervised contact.'

Regarding the 'new mum' stuff, I think it is just the novelty of the situation for your ds. You know, deep down, that as much as he might like her, he is primarily impressed with her cool job. He doesn't love her, or really think of her like a mum. this is your ex, dripping the phrase into his ears, knowing that it will hurt you. Well done for not letting him see that he's succeeded. I would leave this be, because the novelty will wear off. It just sucks for you now.

I would have to sit your son down and talk to him about this. This woman isn't his mum, new or not. When she marries your ex, she will be his step mother. You need to explain that she isn't bringing him up, that she isn't the main carer.

It will inevitably move on to your DH. You will have to tell your son something about his past. Explain that a father isn't just a biological factor, it's the everyday caring presence that your DH has given to your son.

It might be a tough conversation, but really your DH is winding this up and you need to stop it.

I think you're handling this perfectly, and your son is lucky to have such a nice Mum! He may be calling her new "Mum" because that's want XP tells him. You can tell him that he can call her by any title he likes. Maybe suggest he call her a version of Mum, so you and she don't get confused who he is talking about? How about he calls you "mum" and her "ma" or how about "Num" as a short version of New Mum or some other variation? My friend has two dads and two mums, and they are all some version of Mum and Dad, so others can tell who she is talking about. Make sure he tells her why, and if she is nice, I'm sure she will be fine with that too!
That would also give your DS a good explanation if XP throws a fit for not getting to take the title from you, as your DH (very legitimately) took it from him.

I'm with DBF.

However, it doesn't seem like you are prepared to challenge it, so I guess all you can do is grin & bear it & vent on here!! YANBU at all to feel the way you do, not at all.

You know he's always going to love you better than her.

But it is good that he's happy about getting a step mum and that they get on. Be thankful that she's not a child hating type.

It sounds like you are being very good about the whole thing - you can't help feeling grrr about it!

Bear in mind that if she is a nice, normal woman, she might actually be feeling a bit uncomfortable about this very thing. You could perhaps use that aspect for a gentle nudge to DS.

"It's lovely that you are so pleased about [insert name] being your step-mum, but you must be sure to ask her what she wants you to call her - she might not be comfortable with you calling her mum when she knows that is what you call me. She might want you to call her by her name."

OP you are doing brilliantly by your son. Stick to your guns and PLEASE don't be swayed by the advice from DBF and others on here. You know you're doing the right thing and yes of course it hurts to hear him say the words "new mum" but your son's natural inability to think of your feelings is testament to the lovely healthy childhood that you have given him. If he tiptoed round your feelings that would be a sign that he had been involved in disputes between you and x. That he hasn't is to your great credit.

YANBU but I betya your X is waiting on you saying something.

Sounds like he would be delighted if you objected about your DS calling her mum, or if you try and change any agreements at the moment your x will assume that you are just jealous of him and his new relationship.

Yes my instincts do tell me that if he was worried about my feelings/treading on eggshells - you know that 'watchful' look? - that would be worse. Of course I am coming from a place of having been the child who was trying not to upset her parents, so my perspective is probably slightly over-cautious? But I'd much rather he thought I was fine with it.

I am pretty sure he calls her by her first name to her. But as I've heard him say "I went to the cinema with X, that's my other dad...", I think he's saying "new mum" to others to explain the situation iykwim. I doubt he'll call her that to her face. I am just that we're even in the same catergory, even though I'm sure it's a totally different one inside his head.

Let me put this another way.

Your son has a wonderful Mum who he loves to bits. And then his father comes along and says "hey I'm getting married so you are going to have another mum too".

His positive and excited attitude is because he thinks he is getting double wonderfulness! The idea of another Mum will be based on his experience of you - not really her. She's just a fantasy mum at this point and that will wear off. His excitement is a testament to you and how great you've been as a Mum. Don't be angry or upset about this!!!! Take it as the most amazing compliment.

The reality is bound to be a lot harder. You shouldn't feel threatened in anyway, as in actual fact, he's just shown you subconsciously, just what you mean and represent to him.

Smile along, in the knowledge that he's talking about you, just as much as he's talking about this 'new mum'.

I would keep it lighthearted and explain to him that you are his mum and always will be and x is a friend.

Yes I'm sure you're right - of course he thinks of you completely differently. He loves you and relies upon you. Hopefully he knows and likes this other woman, but it's hardly the same. It might help to focus on that, rather than on the word. (which, to a mother, is of course a powerful and emotive word).

There is a thread on here about much younger children calling their childminders mum and how in a sense, to a child, a mum is a role as well as a person. Maybe your son is using the word like that - that she will have the woman-role in X's house - so it makes sense to him to refer to her as a mum, IYSWIM?

I think that you are handling it well and should ignore DBF and other similar advice. It is great that she is trying to get on with him. Don't divide his loyalties. You are in it for the long game-DCs are very astute as to the really important things in life. Keep your feelings out of it and make things easy for him.

Not read thread, so going off OP only, YANNNNBU

It's NOT UNREASONABLE FOR YOU TO FEEL SAD ABOUT THIS, YOUR ds WHO (sorry for shouting) you have brought up single handed for half of his life, done all the hard work, moulded him into a lovely young man suddenly has this fantastic realtionship with "new mum".
You are the one who tells him off for not brushing his teeth, gets him up for school when he's grumpy, disciplines him and creates boundaries. Along comes dad and new mum and they get all the best bits of this wonderful child you have brought up. It's hard to know how to compete with this woman who can provide things you couldn't, and who only has him in a part time basis so can theefore ensure every moment he spends at their home is dediccated to him.
The thing you need to remember is she ISN'T his mum, and never will be, and he loves you SO much and appreciates all you have done for him (he might even tell you this in his own words, perhas on his wedding day, so don't hold your breath! :o)

Rememebr you do not have to compete with this woman for your son's love, and he'd feel bad if he knew his getting on with her upset you, and would perhaps feel disloyal. He has a new friend, as long as it is a healthy relationship it is something you may one day feel thankful about

Please may I point out, before anyone else tells the OP to "ignore DBF's advice" that I didn't give any. I just said what I would do.

I made it very clear that I appreciated that mine is not and would not be the OP's way of doing things and I acknowledged that, saying that sadly the only thing she could do was to accept the situation. At no time did I advise her to do as I would, in fact I expressed admiration of her cool for not doing as I would.

Sorry, it's a minor issue but as more than one person has alleged that I'd given advice which should be ignored I'm beginning to feel a bit hard done by! :)

Sorry DBF-I ought to read more carefully.

No problem at all exoticfruits. :) (God knows I've done it often enough!). I just thought... did I not make it clear that it's just me being a stroppy bitch? What have I done wrong?! :o