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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only want one child?!

45 replies

coraltoes · 28/10/2011 09:29

I am surrounded by people who keep asking, nay, assuming that i will have a second child. I don't want one. I didn't enjoy pregnancy, my body felt alien and still does as it returns to 'normal'.
I didn't enjoy labour but actually had a good one as far as experiences go (water birth). I hated the exhaustion of the first not nthe (but treasure the early memories of course), I hated breastfeeding (Tongue tie, pain, mastitis) and hated feeling like i failed a it.

I do not want to repeat that part of my life again....but people seem to ignore everything i say to that effect "oh you'll change your mind" etc. I won't. I am an only, and loved it, I see nothing wrong in it. Why wont people listen to me or is it such an abomination to only want one child???

I love my DD I a way I never imagined possible. This is nothing to do with my feelings about her. I am certain i wuld love any other child just as much...I just don't want another!

I know my husband does want one though. And soon this will come to a head. He knows how hard I found pregnancy and labour but is it fair to deny him another LO?

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances? And AIBU to stand my ground?

OP posts:

Original poster

coraltoes · 28/10/2011 09:30

Sorry that should be exhaustion of the first MONTH (bloody I pad predictive text)

OP posts:

CMOTdibbler · 28/10/2011 09:35

YANBU, but you have to come up with a good line cos people will go on about it for at least the next 5 years.

With your dh though, you need to have a proper sit down and talk about it

trulyscrumptious43 · 28/10/2011 09:39

I applaud your decision, we all need to think more on an environmental level anyway and bringing more people into the world is a sure way to drain its resources.

Original poster

coraltoes · 28/10/2011 09:44

Hmm a good line. That's a good point. I think saying firmly i don't want any more and was quite happy being an only child myself should suffice...it just doesn't!!!!! Urgh.

Agree with DH it has to be a serious chat. He is the loveliest man on earth and will probably understand in the long run. I just hate to burst his bubble.

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Original poster

coraltoes · 28/10/2011 09:46

Truly, there is something in that for me, but on a selfish level. I can afford to school DD privately with no problem...but if i had more than 1 it would become a stretch, same for uni fees in future etc. It could be the difference between providing the best education i can for her and not being able to do so. I'm not sure if that is the case (not done the sums) but the thought lurks in the back of my head...along with a million others!

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LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 28/10/2011 09:48

YANBU at all.

It's your choice and your body.

I'm currently "in Discussions" with DP as he would love a second child, I'm really not so sure, and I'm getting a lot of pressure from extended family as both our siblings are gay, so will not be producing their own off spring, nor have any interest in adopting, so we're proving the ONLY grandchildren as I keep being told.

I'm currently sticking to the line of I want to provide DD with every possible opportunity, and will not be able to do that (financially) if we have a second child (DP does not work) and I find one that tends to shut people up, is by saying I refuse to contribute to the worlds over population problem :)

Annpan88 · 28/10/2011 09:48

I'm the same. We don't need another child. There's also something to be said for being able to give all your love to one child. Everyone acts like I'm a freak and I know DH would want another, but he's not the one who would have to be pregnant/give birth/breast feed so I don't know what compromise we'll come to there!

Trills · 28/10/2011 09:50

Are you really asking if you are being unreasonable? Of course you're not unreasonable to not want another baby.

How old is DD? You might yet change your mind. For now "because we don't want to" should suffice. If people insist on talking about it just tell them "we've made our decision, it is our decision to make, and I'd appreciate it if you would accept that, let's talk about something else".

duvetdayplease · 28/10/2011 09:51

Hi, I would be tempted just to say 'who know's what's going to happen next' or some similar cliche and leave them wondering. If they are good friends then tell the truth, but if they are just nosey then don't bother. Once you give them an answer they then feel entitled to pass opinion on it.

Its not unreasonable to have one, two or whatever. I just think, like most things to do with parenting, it isn't worth explaining it all to other people who won't understand anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2011 09:52

YANBU... but stop justifying it to yourself and tell anyone that questions your decision to mind their own business. The only one who really has any say in such a private matter is your husband.

FullBeam · 28/10/2011 09:54

It is absolutely your decision and nobody else's business. You shouldn't have to justify your decision to anyone else.

Original poster

coraltoes · 28/10/2011 09:55

Trills, i am as people seem so surprised by my response i wondered if i was somehow going against the grain!

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ragged · 28/10/2011 09:57

Do whatever you like.
You don't have to justify it to anybody.
Give yourself room to change your mind, though, it happens to many people!
I am thinking that a sense of humour often deflects those who seem to be pressuring (they may just be idly chatting, though, not every such question is meant as a judgement). I would ask in the "only child" topic for witty answers to the questions "When are having another?" "Why don't you want another?" "Don't you think it's selfish?" etc. Arm yourself well with those, perhaps.

AMumInScotland · 28/10/2011 09:57

People do tend to assume you'll have another. But then they make so many other assumptions about how you will raise your child, how many you'll have, what genders they think you'd prefer, what schooling they assume you'll go for when the time comes, etc, etc, etc that the best you can do is learn to be ok with the choice you've made and let it wash over you. Unless they are being so insistent that its just bloody rude, in which case tell them to bugger off. Or just quietly say "I don't think that'll happen" and let them assume its not actually your choice, which at least tends to make them feel guilty for going on about it.

The only person who has a right to a strong opinion on the subject is your DH, as you're in this together and if he'd really like a second then you'll have to talk it through and be supportive of his feelings, just as you expect him to be supportive of yours.

Trills · 28/10/2011 09:58

It probably seems unusual to people who don't go on MN and only mix in very limited circles and have trouble imagining that anyone would ave an opinion or desire that is different to their own...

Some people really do think that there is a correct thing to do, or that everyone must really want to do what they have done, and anyone who says they want to do something different will come around to their way of thinking eventually.

Original poster

coraltoes · 28/10/2011 09:59

Ragged i isn't realise there was a section! Thanks, will go off there is a tick for a read.

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Original poster

coraltoes · 28/10/2011 10:00

Didn't, not isn't.

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Avenged · 28/10/2011 10:03

YANBU. It's totally up to you how many kids you have and if you only want one child, then good for you.

I had 2 great pregnancies, and births but I just don't feel that maternal urge to have another baby. I like to hand them back at the end of the day .

At least with only one child, they don't get the chance to have a scrap with their siblings and create a fuss like "Muuummm, X is annoying me and won't let me play with them". I get that all the time, but then my kids are olympic level whingers.

FrightNight · 28/10/2011 10:05

I think you'll find some people never stop asking. DS is 4, I am well over 40 and took 6 rounds of IVF to get him. You might think this would engender some understanding but you would be wrong. People also quite happily say it's a shame for DS that he's an only child.

You must do what is best for you, your DH and DC beyond that is noones business.

FullBeam · 28/10/2011 10:08

Wow FrightNight people can be incredibly insensitive.

Ephiny · 28/10/2011 10:15

Absolutely your decision (whether you want one, or none, or lots) and not one you should have to explain or justify to random people.

I think people are quite rude to go on about it. For all they know you might want more and be unable to have them, in which case their comments could be very hurtful and upsetting. As it is, they're being annoying and it's none of their business either way.

Obviously the situation with your husband is different, as it is his business and does affect him too! That's something for the two of you to work out together, but personally I would say that if you strongly feel you don't want to put yourself through the experience again, then he needs to respect that and not pressure you. Having another child would be a greater burden for you, physically and emotionally, than it would be for him (that's just biology) therefore your wishes carry more weight in this matter. In my opinion anyway.

oohlaalaa · 28/10/2011 10:28

Having one child is perfectly fine. My mum has a friend who only has one child. She and her DH married later in life, and she had her son at 38 and he was 43. She had a difficult labour, and did not want to risk another child, considering her age. Her husband wanted his wife to be happy, and happily agreed. They did not try for the second.

It was the right decision for them. How many children you have is for you and your DH to discuss, nothing to do with anybody else.

BrainDeadSurgeon · 28/10/2011 10:37

OP I am in exactly the same situation as you are, except I'm a bit older (by the sounds of it) and my DS is 3yo.
I have shrugged off all the questions / innunendos/please from friends and family so far and I'm not bothered if I'm honest. I suppose in my case, as I'm almost 40, people take it a bit better when I say "no, not really, I don't want another"
DP on the other side is a different matter. It breaks my heart to know he is hurt by my feelings, especially as he is a lovely man, and before we had DS, we both said we would have 2 DC. He resents a little bit the fact that I have "changed my mind" - typical bloke, doesn't quite understand how motherhood can change a woman!!!
He even said to me once - "If I knew we were only going to have one, I would have chosen to have none" :( This is how strongly he feels about giving DS a sibling...... really breaks my heart :(

TheVampireEmpusa · 28/10/2011 10:39

I'm currently pregnant and already saying I'm only doing this once, so it looks like I'll be getting the same comments as you. It's ridiculous, it's noone elses business!

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 28/10/2011 10:51

I don't think YABU at all. I have one and she will remain a singleton. She was unexpected to say the least.
I loathed being pregnant, had a really high risk pregnancy, had GD, a ECS and a cervical suture to keep her in place.
I wouldn't go through all that again for all the money in the world. DH is/was in total agreement.

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