To only want one child?!

[coraltoes]

I am surrounded by people who keep asking, nay, assuming that i will have a second child. I don't want one. I didn't enjoy pregnancy, my body felt alien and still does as it returns to 'normal'.
I didn't enjoy labour but actually had a good one as far as experiences go (water birth). I hated the exhaustion of the first not nthe (but treasure the early memories of course), I hated breastfeeding (Tongue tie, pain, mastitis) and hated feeling like i failed a it.

I do not want to repeat that part of my life again....but people seem to ignore everything i say to that effect "oh you'll change your mind" etc. I won't. I am an only, and loved it, I see nothing wrong in it. Why wont people listen to me or is it such an abomination to only want one child???

I love my DD I a way I never imagined possible. This is nothing to do with my feelings about her. I am certain i wuld love any other child just as much...I just don't want another!

I know my husband does want one though. And soon this will come to a head. He knows how hard I found pregnancy and labour but is it fair to deny him another LO?

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances? And AIBU to stand my ground?

We have 1 ds (just over 2) and many of our friends who had children at the same time have either had/having/planning dc2. We thought we would have another at some point but there are many reasons behind why we haven't so far.

The biggest issue for us at the moment is finances if I am truly honest. We just couldnt afford 2 dcs in nursery and we are heavily reliant on private nursery childcare. Me being a sahm was never an option either even before ds. Given the current economic climate I can't imagine we are alone with this being a big factor.

However I would add we are very happy at the moment and if it never happens then we would still be happy. If people ask I usually raise my eyebrows and say half laughing "have you met ds?!?" as he is a very lively, mischievous toddler who is enough to keep Mary poppins on her toes!

My DD is 8-and-a-half weeks old and we're already being asked when we're having another. Especially by my best friends, who all seem to have forgotten the 4 years we spent ttc her, the heartbreak and depression I went through in this 4 years, the fertility treatment and daily self-administered injections, the fact that it almost split up me and my DH. Not to mention that I LOATHED being pregnant in all ways, then the 6 hours I spent in labour were absolute agony as my placenta was abrupting, culminating in me having an EMCS and being 3 minutes off losing DD as she was in severe distress. WhyTF would I want to put us through that again?! And while I massively appreciate the NHS's work in finally getting me pregnant, we can't afford to self-fund for treatment for a second one.
If we only have one, we might be able to send her to University, and take her on better holidays to places she will appreciate and will engage her. She has lots of cousins (and pretend cousins, my friends' children), she isn't going to be short of company.
My stock answer at the moment is "Never again", followed by listing my reasons. I don't care if people are shocked by my openness or candidness. It might teach them to butt out. Stick to your guns, OP (although obviously make sure your DH is in agreement, no-one else's opinion matters)

I'm in the same boat, I had my DS at 32, following a pre-eclampsia birth etc, couldn't breastfeed and he wouldn't settle for 6 weeks. He's now a lively 4yo with recently diagnosed autism. We have decided one is enough for all of the reasons you state: I can maintain a part-time career and have enough time for my own life. At the end of the day it's your decision, nobody else's. Good for you though.

Whatever hubby thinks, if you know in your heart that one child is enough for you I would stick to your guns., I really wanted 3 whereas my ex probably only really wanted dd (others were planned but I wanted them more at the time I think) As we are now split up I think I would have felt very resentful if I hadn't had the family my hormones were telling me I wanted!!

Just my personal experience btw.

Other people will criticise you whatever you do. Whether you have 1 child, 2 children, 3 children, 4 children. Because people are to put it bluntly - dumb and self-righteous. Whatever their lifestyle and choices are is 'best'. Best for who? You or them? You certainly should not feel, or be made to feel guilty about it. Don't try and justify your decision, if its the best decision for you.

The only person you need to have this conversation with is your husband. And again, whilst you are a couple, he doesn't have to carry a baby or give birth to it - ultimately the decision has to be yours rather than his for this reason. He might not like it, but equally he might be supportive and understand if you explain just how strongly you feel about it. This isn't about denying him another child. You are allowed to put yourself first sometimes without it being selfish. You've already given him a child; you've done your great act of love on that score. Focus on the daughter you have rather than the child you don't.

I think taking the long view I am defiantly happier to have a sister than not. Sometimes as a child she drove me crazy.
I am incredibly lucky that my two, totally different, DDs are able to play together surprisingly well.
You share things with a sibling in a way you don't with parents or friends. It's difficult to put into words, but there's a security in having someone who shares childhood with you.
Also I'm far happier sending 2 children out into our large gardern, because hopefully one will come in and say the other has fallen over etc.
Practically entertaining only children can be very hard work if they want attention or endless playdates or simply watching over.
And who wants to endlessly discuss, teen music, SIMs or The Sarah Jane adventures, that's what siblings are for

I had a similar experience after having my DD and I think what you are experiencing from other people is normal. Somehow people think it is ok to ask about a very personal and private part of your life. You may not want another child, cannot have another child, decide to try for another a child in the future who knows. That is your business and something you need to discuss with your husband/partner.

Whatever you decide to do will be what is right for you. As an only child with two children I can see it from all sides. Some days I am glad I have two, sometimes I wish I had stopped at one. But whatever I do (or other posters on here) does not make any difference to you.

Perhaps when the time feels right discuss it with your husband and as for the people that ask the question think of a very bland and non specific answer people eventually get the message!!!!

Some good advice here, thank you. Sorry for those suffering from fertility issues and STILL having to put up with the insensitive questioning!

Appreciate the other side of the coin, startail. Thank you.

No-one ever assumed I'd have another, as they all witnessed how clueless I was with the first
That saved a lot of grief!!!

I found that saying I had been advised not to have any more worked and got people to butt out.

I enjoyed being pregnant, and the birth wasn't too bad; but I wound up with a permanent chronic auto immune blood disease, and if I'd got pregnant again the treatment for the foetus didn't appeal.

Ds claims he likes being an only as he gets more attention etc, and as a teacher I end up discussing all the teenage stuff anyway.

The only sensible answer to such a question is "That's a dangerous question to ask when you don't know someone's history, I wouldn't advise asking anyone that again, it's very insensitive." I said that to a couple of people who were asking me when I was going to have kids (especially after I had a miscarriage) and they took it very well. They agreed with me, apologised, and said they'd think again before asking anyone else. My family already know better than to stick their nose in

Of course YANBU. I had a lovely childhood and I am an "only" and whenever anyone asks if I'm going to give DD (3) a sibling I say no and tell them exactly this - that I was a happy only. 9.9 times out of 10, thankfully, they shut up.

I had a good birth (emergency CS but actually not traumatic and very quick, recovered well too), an easy baby and no PND but I simply have no maternal urge to have another. Life is good at the moment and I know from my own childhood experiences how to ensure DD is not lonely. DH would have liked another so we sat down to discuss it all and he agreed that he's perfectly content with the way things are, which was a relief to me.

I'm very confident in my decision and I think that confidence comes across to others. If it doesn't and people persist then I say simply that I'm 41 and do not have energy for another (which actually isn't true but it works!).

You can do what you want!! It's your life and your body :)

Yanbu but as everyone is entitled to their own feelings neither is your dh who may (or may not) feel quite strongly about a bigger family. Could it become an issue or is he not that worried about it? Only you will know, but I guess you don't want him longing for more and it all being unresolved for years.

I am also an only and was just as sure I wouldn't want one dc if I had the choice.

YANBU. At all.

We are a one child family by choice, DS I one. I suffered with horrific PND; I suffered a relapse a few weeks ago because the memories were still so raw and it just got triggered by his first birthday.

We had NO help or support from either family; so when they ask if we're having more that's always a bit hard to swallow, especially if they express surprise.

I think it annoys me most if people ask if we'll have another and then when I say we don't; they say "oh we'll you'll change your mind!" or "you're only young!" As if I'm too stupid to know my own mind. My DH too. We're in this together. Imagine if we were going fertility problems; their bungling comments would really hurt me.

I need a good one liner to put people off; I'm getting a bit tired of it now.

This is exactly my experience and feeling, too. DP and I just couldn't provide two children with the (financial) quality of life that we could give to one. Pregnancy did not turn me into a blooming earth-mother and childbirth did not imbue me with any sense of achievement. I am constantly delighted and surprised by how deeply and fundamentally I adore my son, but I must say - one and done!

YANBU to expect the world to butt out.

But, I'm a bit uncomfortable with everyone above saying that your DH will just have to accept your decision as it's your body. I've seen countless other threads on here where the DH who doesn't want more children is demonised for being selfish. It doesn't sit right to dismiss his feelings so easily. I know it's not you doing that, it's other posters but whether the two of you have more children is a discussion for both of you.

Comforting to see how many ladies feel like I do. Reassuring intact.
Guillotined, I agree, I would never override his needs so callously. In the long term I know he will be fine with it, it just needs managing.

Peanut butter, you have hit the nail on the head! It is the dismissive "oh you'll change your mind soon enough" attitude. As though I am too stupid to know my own mind. Sigh.

Chrissas, exactly, my love for DD knocks me for ten most days. It is not my feelings for her that form this decision...it is a lack of maternal want for a second.

I at least didn't mean to dismiss the DHs feelings or say that his opinions in the matter are not important at all. Just that the feelings of the person who would actually be going through the pregnancy and birth should carry more weight. It's not selfish to not want to put yourself through that.

As for selfish husbands who 'deny' their wives children - not sure it's fair to criticise in that case either, because obviously another child has a big effect on their lives as well. But the fact is that the mother is affected more, both physically and usually in other ways as well, so the two situations are not equivalent. So I think the OP has a stronger case than her husband would if it was the other way round. Though I really don't think anyone regardless of gender should be pressured into becoming a parent if they don't want to, or labelled as selfish if they don't feel it's right for them, I don't see what good comes of that.