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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think he's an utter bastard for doing this

39 replies

applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 01:55

Have namechanged. Please help. DH has been to a meeting in London and said he wouldn't drink as he has the day off tomorrow but I didn't hear from him between lunch time and around 9:30 by which time DC were still not asleep wondering where Dad was who I had said would be home soon... I texted him to say it might be an idea to call and let us know what he's up to? He called, was obviously drunk (slurring words), spoke to DC and said he was on his way back...
He's still not back. I called him initially out of worry, quite concerned, a little bit scared in the house on our own as our baby was stillborn 3 months ago and I find it hard to be alone, and haven't been alone at night since we lost him. But, he cuts me off mid-ring. So of course my mind starts racing (I know him well... he was a bit of a ladies man in the past and has some history of cocaine use). So I keep calling, eventually he answers and says he's at McDonald's ("no, KFC!") with "Pete" and is "on his way home". I ask him "why the bullshit" and he hangs up on my saying "bye" - he does this a lot to make me feel like I 'm BU.
Anyway, I really have to know where he's been and eventually ascertain that he's been to a strip joint, I guessed actually, asked on text "where exactly" he was (*is, still there now as far as I know) and it he doesn't realist I know London well enough to know that China Town is near Soho and then just join the dots...
Anyway, I told him he's an arsehole and can't stop crying now, I'm so upset, like wailing upset, feel terrible and like I want to kill myself worthless and I miss my baby. AIBU?

OP posts:
HowlingWereWolfBitch · 28/10/2011 02:07

No you are not worthless. You need to stay strong for your kids, I'm so sorry about your baby and your H sounds like an asshole.

How are you feeling now?

RomaloDownUnder · 28/10/2011 02:08

I am so so sorry. What a horrible situation. Of course you miss your baby. Do you want to talk about him to take your mind off your arsewipe 'H'?? How old are your other DC? Stay strong.

YADNBU to be so upset but YABU to feel worthless as you certainly are not.

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 02:15

I'm so sorry about your DS, three months is no time at all Sad

I'm also sorry you're lumbered with this bloke for a DH.

Hanging up on you when he knows you're distressed is carrying on like a twat, and isn't what you need right now.

Do you have anyone in RL you can call?

Because you sound like you're in a desparate place.

applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 02:18

The thing is we've been so close recently and I the thought of losing him, that he hates me because of the baby absolutely terrifies me. I feel quite vulnerable and I'm not normally a needy or jealous person but this now just makes me want to scream. Sorry for sounding crazy.
Wolf still crying, tears streaming. I do want to talk about my baby, I want to talk about him crying all night and feeding constantly and what his eyes are like... not this - I just know I will always have a broken heart now
Ramalo, thank you, I have 2 DS who are 5 and 8. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for them

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 02:27

Why would he hate you because of what happened to your DS, pet?

applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 02:28

Agent there's nobody I would call now. I'm ok. Its actually ok to be crying you know, because I haven't for a few days, DC on half term and I've been like manic busy and detached/distracted but yet constantly aware of how sad I feel.

OP posts:
applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 02:31

Agent x posts - partly because he's not from the UK and has a different view of things, and partly just because I feel like I've failed and let everyone down by not knowing that there was something wrong

OP posts:
applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 02:37

He's taking the moral highground now saying he refused a strip because he doesn't need it. Does that make any difference? Do i even believe him?

OP posts:
scrivette · 28/10/2011 02:42

You don't sound crazy.
It's normal to be missing your baby, three months isn't long at all and you are right, tears are good.

fridakahlo · 28/10/2011 02:52

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, his behaviour is appaling. But I do think that he is probably trying to kill his own pain through this behaviour. Just in a way that demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence and using solutions that in the long term will not work.
Have you or he had any grief counselling?
Life is so unfair and horrible at times and this will still be really raw for both of you.

Tortington · 28/10/2011 02:55

no you don't believe him and no it doesn't make a difference.

hes just a nob of the highest order.

sorry about your baby x

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 02:58

I want you to not be thinking you've failed and let everyone down (obviously), and it's really frustrating knowing there's nothing I can say to get you to that point.

Does he know he's made you feel he hates you for what happened?

What will it be like tomorrow when he's at home?

Tortington · 28/10/2011 02:59

no you don't believe him and no it doesn't make a difference.

hes just a nob of the highest order.

sorry about your baby x

uppityduppity · 28/10/2011 03:00

I'm so sorry. It sounds like an awful situation.
It was not your fault your baby died.
He isn't being very nice at all.

applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 03:06

He just got home. Don't even know what to say to him. Just still up pottering round the house with a blotchy face and all
I can think of is the contrast with the strippers he's just been ogling at! Don't know if I can deal with this.

OP posts:
applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 03:14

frida I thought that too, that he's struggling and this is his way of dealing with it but, as you say, it doesn't show a lot of emotional intelligence or regard for how I feel but then who am I to dictate how people deal with stuff

OP posts:
uppityduppity · 28/10/2011 03:15

I would say, now is not the time to tackle him. He will be drunk and you will be angry.

applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 03:17

Thanks all, no flowers on iPhone app!

OP posts:
applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 03:18

You are right uppity, I have let him go to bed and I will follow when he's snoring and confront in the morning. X

OP posts:
EmsieRo · 28/10/2011 03:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RomaloDownUnder · 28/10/2011 04:01

Good luck x

applesarefalling · 28/10/2011 04:18
Thanks
OP posts:
flamegirl77 · 28/10/2011 04:34

So sorry about your baby. I hope you are having a good sleep x

moreyear · 28/10/2011 04:54

I hope you get some rest and I am so sorry about your dear baby.

runningwilde · 28/10/2011 06:34

Can you go to counselling together? Do you trust your dh?

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