to think he's an utter bastard for doing this

[applesarefalling]

Have namechanged. Please help. DH has been to a meeting in London and said he wouldn't drink as he has the day off tomorrow but I didn't hear from him between lunch time and around 9:30 by which time DC were still not asleep wondering where Dad was who I had said would be home soon... I texted him to say it might be an idea to call and let us know what he's up to? He called, was obviously drunk (slurring words), spoke to DC and said he was on his way back...
He's still not back. I called him initially out of worry, quite concerned, a little bit scared in the house on our own as our baby was stillborn 3 months ago and I find it hard to be alone, and haven't been alone at night since we lost him. But, he cuts me off mid-ring. So of course my mind starts racing (I know him well... he was a bit of a ladies man in the past and has some history of cocaine use). So I keep calling, eventually he answers and says he's at McDonald's ("no, KFC!") with "Pete" and is "on his way home". I ask him "why the bullshit" and he hangs up on my saying "bye" - he does this a lot to make me feel like I 'm BU.
Anyway, I really have to know where he's been and eventually ascertain that he's been to a strip joint, I guessed actually, asked on text "where exactly" he was (*is, still there now as far as I know) and it he doesn't realist I know London well enough to know that China Town is near Soho and then just join the dots...
Anyway, I told him he's an arsehole and can't stop crying now, I'm so upset, like wailing upset, feel terrible and like I want to kill myself worthless and I miss my baby. AIBU?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, shitty DH behaviour on top of bereavement, it is awful. However I really don't think AIBU is a good place to get support on this - there is a long running support thread on bereavement which I think may be much more help to you, or start a thread over there? Lots of potentially helpful posters hide AIBU because it is a bunfight sometimes.

get it into perspective OP

he went out and had a bit too much to drink, big deal in the scheme of things. He wanted some down time after all the stresses of the past few months and in return you constantly bugged and called him, and wouldnt let him relax. You dont know he went to a strip club, had cocaine or fondled other women - you have invented all that in your head.

You do need to get a grip my love

MoaningMinny

She has lost her baby 3 months ago. Of course she is feeling down and imagining the worst. She is clearly upset. Telling her to "get a grip" is a little unkind at the mo.

OP. I hope this gets sorted soon and I'm sorry for your loss.

MoaninMinny, not helpfully put.

But, OP, your DH is also grieving, and people do sometimes go off the rails when dealing with loss, particularly if he's had to be the 'strong' one supporting you and the DCs through this when he's wanted to fall apart.

As for hating you, a lot of men when feeling they can't cry, get angry, it doesn't mean he is angry at you, or hates you, he hates the way he feels.

He's behaved badly, but be kind to each other, you will get through this.

moaning minny has put it a bit bluntly, but is still right.
when you were posting, did you KNOW for sure any of what you thought was possible? he was behaving badly, but you were assuming a hell of alot.

and peachesand strawberry, he also lost a baby, not just the op. you think its fine for her to grieve in her own way, what about him grieving?

OP I'm so so sorry about your baby. Three months is no time at all, it really isn't. Your DH has acted like a complete idiot and should be ashamed of himself for adding to your upset right now. But, try not to judge him too harshly right now either. Grief makes people act way out of character. Wait until he's sobered up properly and talk then. And make sure you both think about counselling to help you deal with this. It's such a huge thing to cope with, you will both deal with it better with help from outside- professional help which will also help you to both understand that there was nothing, nothin anyone could have done.

Other posters are right, perhaps move this to bereavement or start a new thread there where you will meet many, many people who have themselves gone through this agony.

MoaningMinny's post, although perhaps a little thoughtlessly worded, is actually completely right. We let off steam in different ways and this chap has just done it his way, albeit perhaps not the right way. OP should let him be, drop it, put it down to a one-off and not harp on about it because that's one sure way to send him running for the hills.

OP should let him be, drop it, put it down to a one-off and not harp on about it because that's one sure way to send him running for the hills.

See OP? Please hide this thread and start one in bereavement where there are people who understand exactly what you and your husband are going through.

I'm so very sorry about your poor wee baby boy. I don't know if you have started another thread elsewhere or not but please don't even think of blaming yourself for this tragedy. I hope you can manage to have a decent conversation with your H today and he can help put your mind at rest over what happened last night. I know that bereavement does make some people act oddly/thoughtlessly (if that's what's behind his seemingly callous and contemptuous behaviour) but when you're on the receiving end it still feels bloody awful.

I'm so sorry about your baby.

I hope by now your husband is back home and you've had a talk to him. If you haven't already I'd urge you to tell him simply how scared you were and how upset you were. Your reaction to him not coming home when he said is very, very natural and normal. Does he realize how hard this is for you?

I think other posters' comments that his actions might also be a reaction to the grief are not wrong at all. But, that does not mean that his reactions to his grief are entitled to be ones that make you more miserable. It is very natural after you've lost someone, to worry about other people in your life. He may not have realized how you'd react, but he needs to know why this is a really big deal. And lying to you (saying he wouldn't drink and drinking) is not good either - not because he doesn't deserve to process his sadness in his own way, but because the two of you need to be talking about it together and agreeing.

I'm so, so sorry this happened to you and hope you are ok. Thinking of you.

oh OP please for your sanity hide this thred and re-start in bereavement.

i am so so sorry for your loss xxx

If the husband posted: grieving and saying he was awake sobbing and his wife had gone out and got drunk and was possibly in a nightclub dancing and drinking whilst he was at home caring for the children and sobbing ...I wonder what others would post?

You need to deal with your grief together
It possibly is a reaction to his grief but suggesting you are responsible for his behaviour and could make him 'running for the hills' is disgusting.

You are not responsible for sorting out his grief. You have your own. Both of you should help each other

I totally agree with Georgi about the wankstain posters you can get on AIBU that'll tell you to get a grip when you say you're grieving

Hope you manage to talk to your DH today, and he actually listens to what you have to say apples.

Be kind to yourself