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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call the police in 10 days if he tries to bury his head and get away with it?

43 replies

brightspark2 · 28/10/2011 00:02

My lodger choked me last Wednesday night. We had been spending a lot of time together - last January he held my arms despite my arthritis and forced me to stand there to hear him out. In July he smashed a glass in the sink when I would not move over while I was busy at the sink and handed him water instead. Last Friday I was due for a major gynae op, he refused to help out more or check on me after the op and choked my throat. He was gripping not squeezing so I know he knew what he was doing - he seemed to be enjoying himself. I chucked him out on Monday after trying to handle it but getting flashbacks and nightmares.

Do I leave him alone to settle then call the police if he has not tried to make up for it by Monday 7/11/11, meeting in a public place to let him attempt to make amends?

He watched his mother being beaten and she took her husband back every time while he watched and was beaten up at school nearly every day. I understand his history but the bullied became the bully and I need to teach my 14yr old who heard it all that men who hurt women behind closed doors and refuse to talk to get it out in the open are prosecuted. He is 32, I am 47 and smaller than him.

Is it unreasonable to press charges in 10 days? Confused :( Angry Blush

OP posts:
ShutUppaYourFace · 28/10/2011 00:04

YABU not to press charges now! Any injuries will have disappeared in 10 days, what are you waiting for?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 28/10/2011 00:05

Yes it is, press charges right now.

I hope you are okay.

hellhasnofury · 28/10/2011 00:05

How can he 'make up for it'? He's your lodger, you owe him nothing. Walk away. Don't contact him again. Ever.

LeBOOOf · 28/10/2011 00:05

Why wait?

TheSecondComing · 28/10/2011 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apricots · 28/10/2011 00:06

Pressing charges now would be he best example to set your daughter. Show her that no one should be allowed to get away with behaviour like that whether or not they attempt to apoloise

giyadas · 28/10/2011 00:07

How would you expect him to make up for it? Surely if it warrants pressing charges, then you should just press charges.

laptopwieldingharpy · 28/10/2011 00:07

I think you already know the answer.Why wait 10 days?

sismith42 · 28/10/2011 00:08

Please just call the police tomorrow when the non-emergency number starts. It is not reasonable to give him more than about 30 seconds to start trying to make amends. He's had more than a week.
Good luck.

GypsyMoth · 28/10/2011 00:09

You do it now not later!

Why ten days? What's magical about that number?

squeakyfreakytoy · 28/10/2011 00:09

Please get this thread moved to relationships. It is wayyyy too much for an AIBU thread.

On the one hand I can completely understand just being thankful he has gone, but ffs, the man is a lunatic and should not be allowed to get away with this.

JockTamsonsBairns · 28/10/2011 00:10

Good grief. I'm afraid I'm having some trouble understanding your OP. When you say your 'lodger', do you actually mean your 'partner'? That might help clear up some of the confusion. I'm not getting why you would be putting up with months of abuse from a lodger, and why his back history is relevant when it comes to you being attacked in your own home, witnessed by your own son.

Step 1 - Get rid, regardless of his status as lodger/partner
Step 2 - Press charges immediately. Why on earth would you be waiting ten days Confused

TheLaineyWayIsEssex · 28/10/2011 00:10

You must report this now!!
He cannot make amends for this, he could have killed you Sad

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 00:11

I agree with the other posters, don't be waiting to go to the police.

Less of the Blush face and more of the Angry

You haven't done anything, his background is not an excuse to treat you like that.

I don't think you should have any more contact with him either, he's not shown himself to be trustworthy.

DogsBeastFiend · 28/10/2011 00:11

There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with the idea of waiting or even thinking of allowing him to get away with this if he makes up for it. Sorry to sound harsh but NO man should behave like that, NO excuses.

You are putting yourself, your child and every other woman the man encounters at serious risk by not acting NOW, to say nothing of the example you're giving to your child and the fear you are living with.

Please call the Police - NOW.

HerScaryness · 28/10/2011 00:13

Get him the hell out of your home for good!

FGS, it doesn't matter what happened to him in his former life, this is YOURS he's threatening!

Call the police NOW, report him, he is DANGEROUS!

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 00:14

I think the OP chucked him out on Monday HS?

hellhasnofury · 28/10/2011 00:15

You need to teach your 14year old that hurting people is unacceptable FULL STOP. Hurting someone then talking about it afterwards does not excuse the action.

My mum used to hurt me, she was mentally ill but all the talking about it in the world does not excuse her violent behaviour. I too, was bullied at school and hurt at home but that did NOT mean I grew into an adult that hurt people. I have never, ever been violent in my life, nor would I.

squeakyfreakytoy · 28/10/2011 00:15

do NOT meet him anywhere, ever...

this man sounds like a timebomb waiting to go off

I have gone back to the first post and re-read it a few times now..

go to the police, before this escalates

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 00:18

Good for you being able to break through your childhood hellhasnofury.

For you to get it at school as well as home must have been excruciating Sad

hellhasnofury · 28/10/2011 00:26

Thanks AgentZigZag-other kids don't really understand if your mum spends long stretches in the local psychiatric hospital.

Schnarkle · 28/10/2011 00:30

Report him now. How exactly is he to makes amends for this sort of carry on. Will he bake you a cake?

What I just said there is how ridiculous it is to wait to report this idiot.

zipzap · 28/10/2011 00:38

He should have been out of your house after the first attack - I'd call the police on their non-emergency number as soon as you can.

I'd also go to the doctor's to get your throat checked and any injuries documented in case you need to refer to them later. Plus also to get the details of the nightmares and flashbacks documented - he might also be able to give you a sleeping tablet or two so you can have a couple of good nights sleep which might break you out of the cycle of these, or have some other useful suggestions.

And yes, it is being unreasonable to press charges in ten days - sorry, you need to do it asap. I know it's scary to think about pressing charges, especially for something like this but it is going to be even worse if you leave it and have 10 days to mull it over. Get to the police while it is all fresh in your mind and your resolve is still strong.

His history is sad yes, but that doesn't absolve him from doing this nor does it mean that he shouldn't be punished. He's gone over to the side of the bully and abuser, sounds like he has been escalating it each time and so it is likely to get worse rather than better, it needs to be stopped - whether it is you or somebody else that he tries to torment. He sounds like he was enjoying it and if he did then he's going to want more of that 'enjoyment'

Other thing you need to do is to change your locks and make sure you have bolts on your doors and windows, and that all your fire alarms are working - he has been living at your house so could well have spare keys that he could use to come in whenever he wants. And make sure your ds understands that he (the lodger) is a bad man, who might be manipulative, and he should keep away from him at all costs, if he bumps into him anywhere he should try to avoid him and certainly shouldn't provide him with any info about you or about new keys etc.

zipzap · 28/10/2011 00:42

Oh and ring up the police non emergency line to report it NOW.

And say that you are worried that he might try to come back and do something, that he has keys etc. So that if he does - they should be able to have a flag on your number and give it a high priority.

Now. Not tomorrow morning, not in 10 minutes time. Not after reading a few other threads on MN while you think about it.

Right now.

go on - what are you waiting for?

(sorry, not trying to be bullying or dictatorial but I really do think it is important that you speak to them sooner rather than later)

squeakyfreakytoy · 28/10/2011 00:48

any chance that the OP might actually come back.. ???

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