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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call the police in 10 days if he tries to bury his head and get away with it?

43 replies

brightspark2 · 28/10/2011 00:02

My lodger choked me last Wednesday night. We had been spending a lot of time together - last January he held my arms despite my arthritis and forced me to stand there to hear him out. In July he smashed a glass in the sink when I would not move over while I was busy at the sink and handed him water instead. Last Friday I was due for a major gynae op, he refused to help out more or check on me after the op and choked my throat. He was gripping not squeezing so I know he knew what he was doing - he seemed to be enjoying himself. I chucked him out on Monday after trying to handle it but getting flashbacks and nightmares.

Do I leave him alone to settle then call the police if he has not tried to make up for it by Monday 7/11/11, meeting in a public place to let him attempt to make amends?

He watched his mother being beaten and she took her husband back every time while he watched and was beaten up at school nearly every day. I understand his history but the bullied became the bully and I need to teach my 14yr old who heard it all that men who hurt women behind closed doors and refuse to talk to get it out in the open are prosecuted. He is 32, I am 47 and smaller than him.

Is it unreasonable to press charges in 10 days? :(

OP posts:

dramatrauma · 28/10/2011 01:01

??? Your lodger choked you, and rather than ringing the police (as 99% of the population would have), you have devised some elaborate plan that involves meeting him in a public place on a specified date for an apology. After which, what, you'd let him back into the house with your 14yo DD? What becomes of her when the lodger kills her Mum?

OP, there must be a lot more going on here, but whatever it is, please seek help. Call the police asap and press charges. Then please go and see someone, perhaps your GP, and talk this through.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 01:21

What the hell are you on about?

Why the hell didn't you throw him out after the first incident?

Calling the police now is the only sensible option - and after that get yourself some counselling, what you have done is not normal or sensible.

smirnoffsmiley · 28/10/2011 01:33

Either there's more to this story or I'm confused.

I agree with everyone else - why?

Why didn't you throw him out in January when he "held your arms despite your arthritis"? If he's been violent to you (or around you considering the glass incident) 3 times then I doubt he's just suddenly going to stop.

You need to phone the police, and not in 10 days. Today, tomorrow. For your daughter's sake.

AheadlesswomancalledHorse · 28/10/2011 01:39

You need to phone the police asap OP.
If it ever got to court his defence could argue that it didn't happen or you exaggerated it as you didn't bother reporting it for 10 days.

If you need to teach your 14yr old DD a life lesson from this you're going about it the wrong way, if she was attacked by a future partner and told you that she was going to wait for 10 days to see if he'd apologise than it would set alarm bells ringing.

MrsRyanPhillippe · 28/10/2011 01:46

Odd.

I second what everyone else has said - phone the police.

MoaninMinny · 28/10/2011 08:21

what amends are you expecting him to make?

TandB · 28/10/2011 08:32

What on earth are you playing at? No. You don't wait ten days and see if he comes up with some flowers and a cupcake. You call the police now. If you delay then it is likely to damage your case if you do report it - it would certainly be used against you by any defence solicitor as a reason why you should be given less credibility.

This man is a lodger. What exactly do you owe him? Why do you need any more contact with him? Why on earth did you put up with this so long? All you are teaching your daughter is that a man can get away with beating up a woman if he comes up with a nice enough apology afterwards.

duckdodgers · 28/10/2011 08:39

Can you please come back and explain why in the name of god you are not pressing charges now, not some day in the future? I cant think of any reason whatsoever!!!

whattodoo · 28/10/2011 08:41

OP I hope you've read all of the replies and are calling the police this morning.

He is a lodger (although from your post it reads as though maybe the lines between lodger and partner may have been blurred? apologies if I have understood this wrong). You owe him nothing.

But you owe yourself some protection and, most of all, you owe it to your child to show that violent bullies should not be tolerated and should be dealt with by the appropriate authorities.

Please report him straight away, do not have any more dealings with him. Get someone you trust to deal with handing back all of his belongings.

I'm not the sort who will say you shouldn't have male lodgers. Most of them would fit well into your home set up. But make sure you get good references from your next lodger before letting them into your home and your child's life.

whatdoiknowanyway · 28/10/2011 08:52

Sincere apologies to the OP if this is trivialising a very very serious issue
But
It seems a very detailed description with a random deadline of 7/11/11 to meet in a public place when the obvious solution would have been to call 999 immediately.
A soap plot?

overmydeadbody · 28/10/2011 08:57

surely this is a wind up?

warthog · 28/10/2011 09:00

by giving him 10 days you basically want to give him another chance.

he doesn't need another chance because he's decided to be violent several times even though he knows how wrong it is.

phone police NOW

Andrewofgg · 28/10/2011 09:02

Ten days from now, bruises faded, he denies it point-blank, says you are fantasising - police mark it NFA. Report it now.

TooEasilyTempted · 28/10/2011 09:02

Just seen a post by the OP on another thread. Not only is the 'lodger' not paying her any money at all, she's actually been buying his food and tobacco.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I wouldn't bother phoning the police. I wouldn't bother meeting up with him ever again. I wouldnt hold my breath for an apology and actually i wouldnt want one.

Just be grateful you're rid of him and make it your aim never to lay eyes on him or hear from him ever again. You're well rid.

eurochick · 28/10/2011 09:03

What about if he chokes the next person (you, your daughter, someone else?) for a bit longer and kills her?

Why are you waiting? Go to the police now. It is the best example you can show your daughter.

Andrewofgg · 28/10/2011 09:04

Well, it's either what most have suggested - report it now - or what TooEasilyTempted says, which might be less stressful. But not report it ten days from now!

springydaffs · 28/10/2011 09:42

What on earth is going on here??!? Why is he not paying rent? Why are you buying him food and tobacco? Why are you letting him harm and terrorise you, why are you letting your dd live with this? (why on earth are you living with it? Do you think you're mother theresa?)

For goodness sake woman, have a bit of sense. Report him NOW (before he kills somebody). Then get along to a codependency group. YOu're not the saviour of the world and any fucked up individual. Big deal that he had a fucked up childhood, he's not the first and he won't be the last - your daughter is one, for a start. You're so busy saving the world that you have neglected to notice you're fucking her up by exposing her to this.

ss need to know that you are exposing your daughter to this.

ShroudOfHamsters · 28/10/2011 09:44

What the hell??!!!

No, you press charges RIGHT NOW!

You would be doing yourself, your daughter and any other poor woman who ends up sharing a house with him in future a grave disservice by letting this arse get away with his VIOLENT ASSAULT.

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