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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU To be hating Maternity Leave?

40 replies

champagnevanity · 27/10/2011 21:58

My DD is 4 weeks old, and i'm taking a year out of uni to do an internship type thing.

So, its four weeks in to maternity leave, and im going stair crazy, i love looking after my daughter, but I've got nothing at the minute to make me feel proud of myself, plus being worried to death about actually getting a job, being a success in the future.

I'm a worrier and all this free time is forcing me into madness!

AIBU? Feeling like a very bad mother!

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 27/10/2011 22:28

YANBU - I was so ready to go back to work when the time came and you sound like you feel that you have put your life on hold which is a horrible feeling as there isn't really anything you can do until you take it back off hold.

You do have something to feel proud of though. Spend plenty of time on MN and there won't be too much free time Wink.

CocoPopsAddict · 27/10/2011 22:28

YANBU.

It can be really hard to adjust to your new life as a mother.

scottishmummy · 27/10/2011 22:31

Strike a balance do cv,study and make plans for after mat leave
Do enjoy your new wee baby too

mumofthreekids · 27/10/2011 22:32

When my first DC was 6 weeks old I felt exactly the same as you ("I've got nothing at the minute to make me feel proud of myself") - it can take time to learn to value yourself in your new role. Being a good mum IS something to feel proud of!!

scottishmummy · 27/10/2011 22:37

Maintain academic and social contacts,go to Xmas do if pposs
Plan your return to work /studies and keep up reading
Look into nursery etc now if you need one,as good ones book up fast

rhondajean · 27/10/2011 22:37

YANBU I was going berserk after 6 weeks. How about finding a wee course to do just now - for example, do you have your ECDL qualification? Something like that that keeps your brain active and gives you a self esteem boost when you pass the test.

Also my HV gave me great advice - she had me up and out in town by 9am every morning, having the routine meant the days were more structured and for me it was easier to cope with.

Its a shame - babies are lovely and cuddly, but sadly when they are tiny they are not very interesting/interactive and there is a lot of time to get yourself worked up about other stuff thats going on while they sleep!

champagnevanity · 27/10/2011 22:40

you feel that you have put your life on hold

  • Thats exactly it, its all the doing nothing all day, Theirs only so much This Morning i can take.

It is hard to adjust, i know it'll get better when she stops sleeping all day,

But my god. I'm going mad, glad im not the only one, that makes me feel so much better!

OP posts:
sismith42 · 27/10/2011 22:41

There is no requirement to take more than 6 weeks off. If it's not for you, then it's not for you. Find childcare and give your internship (or Uni?) the 8 weeks written notice that you're coming back... I went back when my DD was 7 months old, and the last 2 months were the happiest, since I knew when I'd be back to adults.

That said, also make sure you get the HV to test for PND...

auntmargaret · 27/10/2011 22:42

YANBU, it can be really tricky and its hard to get used to a life dictated by a tiny human and not the clock. Im on mat leave with DD2 and,if truth be told, a bit bored. But because Ive done it before, I also know that this is such a precious time, they are small for such a little time and when youre back at work, you will look back wistfully on these aimless, baby-filled days. Im trying to enjoy it, it goes so fast.

scottishmummy · 27/10/2011 22:42

It's a huge change and needs planning
If your baby sleeps,you read,maintain contacts,do stuff for yourself

auntmargaret · 27/10/2011 22:44

ps, watch The Wright Stuff, way more entertaining!

Harecare · 27/10/2011 22:47

The first 9 months is hard. The baby needs you for feeds etc, but sleeps a lot and isn't especially entertaining. Don't waste time watching this morning if that isn't what you'd normally do. Can you do some reading? Get busy.

scottishmummy · 27/10/2011 22:48

I bought a few box sets
Keep up to date,network,maintain cv
Return work soon as

Fiercelydoesit · 27/10/2011 23:12

Champagne no wonder you are going nuts this morning should be avoided at all costs. . . . . But seriously though don't beat yourself up for feeling rubbish about being home alone w baby it can be such shock. As other posters have suggested, if you can do some activity to nourish your brain and leave your daughter w a family member, even if it is only half a day a week it puts a bit of structure in place which beaks up the tedium of the dragging days. Good luck and hope you can work something out

Chynah · 27/10/2011 23:18

Its really boring unless you do every baby group imaginable and make good friends. Search out mum & baby groups, you really do make good contacts plus NCT are good for getting in contact with other mums too. They mayrun anearly days course in your area (getsyou out the house :))

I found it was much more bearable once I put child in nursery for a couple of sessios (at 3 months) and took some real time for myself. Long runs clear my head )

scottishmummy · 27/10/2011 23:40

Ask hv what groups local
Plan return to work
Look for or plan childcare needs
It doesn't need to be prole food and shite daytime telly, get a schedule don't let stuff slide

butterscotch · 28/10/2011 00:13

Hell woman I hear you! BIG TIME!

Loads of people were like really? making me feel worse!

I took 13 months with DD1, and when she was 10 months (i'd been off 10months 1 week) I was climbing the walls!

With DD2 I took 14 months as last baby more chilled about it (ish) but hell being at work is easier in laods of ways!

Its hard I working full time I do part by choice, part by my job isn't doable part time which means I go back a fair few steps...

I think for me it was lack of adult conversation and I didn't want to be around other parents that talke about kids and nothing else! My NCT group first "girlie night out" we had a "no kids talk" for the night and did the whole what did you do before having kids and found out loads of stuff about each other which 4yrs on has given us loads to talk about!

Its really hard, I found it hard to do the whole mum thing especially when some places/events "baby massage"/music classes etc.... were full of women that had no convo above their precious first born... don't get me wrong I could do that but not all the time!

Speak to your HV they will be able to tell you about groups that may well have people having epople feeling the same as you xxx its hard but you know what there are no rules with parenthood, so what is right for you and your baby!

personally I think NB babies can be boring (ahh well thats what I said after the first!) second baby was totally different.....................

Whatmeworry · 28/10/2011 00:20

I was the same. not everyone is made for it - my view is a happy mum = a happy home = a happy child, so do what you need to for your own happiness.

Soups · 28/10/2011 01:21

YANBU it can be very hard. I found it odd being at home with my first baby, my days were long but the naps were never long enough to achieve much. I had to be up early, but it felt like hours until the rest of the world was ready for us. I hated 3pm to when my dp came home, hell it dragged by. For me it was one very long day.

I loved being with him but it was hard filling my days. I tried various groups, kept going but never really fitted in. Probably most of the other parents felt that way ;) It is tricky, all these different people in one place, babies are what you have in common, so that's the focus. Same as work I suppose, but the talk is mainly work.

Every situation is different. I was already in a good job, my maternity leave was 6 months back then (good benefits to return with company) so I think that kept me going, mentally I had those 6 months as "our time". Then I went back part time. At 18 months I became a SAHP. I found it easier with my second, there was an established routine to fit into. After the morning rush to get eldest to pre-school I was happy to come back and chill :) I say chill, flop is a better word, before heading out again. That late afternoon period was always a drag. But it is at work too ;)

YANBU and very far from being a bad mother. You have lots to be proud of, you're at uni, you have a daughter, you will get there. How you feel is not wrong.

Are there any uni resources you can take advantage of whilst on maternity leave? It's not an area I know anything about. Child care is expensive but can you get reduction as a student, gym, EDCL (someone else suggested that, or similar).

Whether you're having a moan (all entitled) or would like the short term to change, good luck :)

scottishmummy · 28/10/2011 01:44

Don't get sidelined by precious moments mamas or wacky biddulph or Oliver James fans.source childcare now,plan your return to studies and work

Adversecamber · 28/10/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlbertoFrog · 28/10/2011 09:21

I had a whole years maternity leave and it was the best six months of my life. The first six I didn't enjoy at all but the latter half was wonderful. Give yourself time. Once your little one is more active and alert you may like it more. Or maybe not. Congrats on your new baby.

peacypops · 28/10/2011 09:21

I'm just coming to the end of a year's maternity leave (second time) and have really enjoyed being off, although I am quite looking forward to going back to the world of work (part-time). For me, with both my children I have found it helpful to keep some sort of routine whilst I have been at home - not ridiculously rigid but just some sort of structure. For example I have made sure that each day I have tried to be up, showered and dressed at a reasonable time and often out and about doing something (even if it is just a trip to the shops or park) I have tried lots of different groups and found that some were not for me but there are some really good ones out there and if you find the right ones you can meet some lovely (and like-minded) people. I have done baby-yoga, buggy-fit (great for keeping fit and getting fresh-air) and found several lovely non-cliquey mum & baby groups where I have met some great friends. Then there have been days when I have just stayed home with my little ones and enjoyed some quiet time, having lots of cuddles and being silly with them. It does get easier once you establish your own routine, and once the baby is old enough to interact a bit more with you. But it's definitely hard work - and you should be proud of the job that you are doing - that of being a mum!

usingapseudonym · 28/10/2011 09:53

Just to be a different voice...

You are only 4 weeks in and it is SUCH a huge thing you have gone through becoming a mother. It is really hard to adjust to a completely different pace of life but I honestly found it worth it - learning to go at a babies pace, learning that not all worthwhile things have targets and obvious rewards and developing a relationship with a baby really are great things.

There's a fab book called "What mothers do-especially when it looks like nothing". The lady researching the book was based in london and spoke mainly to career types. It might be worth a read just to reassure yourself of all the great things you are doing when it doesn't feel like much.

I had a bumps and babes group near me (nct) which was good and at about 8 weeks the HV group started. As your baby gets a bit older there will be things you can take your baby to (more for your sanity to have a routine and meet other mums than for the baby - they need very little under a year!).

Maybe look for a rhyme time at the library - anything you can go to regularly to get some sort of routine. Or a breastfeeding group if you are bf.

It is SO worth it :)

champagnevanity · 28/10/2011 11:16

my view is a happy mum = a happy home = a happy child

Thats exactly it, and i know i wouldn't be happy doing this all the time, each to their own.

I've arranged to go back to work in January. Then back to uni in September.

it's such a shock, all happened so fast, especially after accidently getting pregnant, its all most like all of a sudden, theirs a baby. But i do love it, but its also about planning for the future.
Thanks everyone :)

OP posts: